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female
,
anonymous
writes: dear cupid. I was seeing my boyfriend for over a year. During around our ten months i find out he cheated on me 2 months after i gave him my virginity many times with the same woman. After that i went crazy. I slept with two of his best friends! I forgave him and he forgave me. Now we are no longer together. I am still in love with him. He has found himself a new girlfriend and i found myself a new boyfriend and we go behind their backs and cheat on them with each other. He always tells me he still loves me and there could be a chance again. I believe him everytime. I dont know what to do. i love him. but im confused. HELP!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006): Why would you do this to yourselves?
You either both decide if you can commit to one another or move on.
You are both being unfair to your partners and inconsiderate.
Stop cheating and sneaking around.
Having sex with someone will instill those feeling of love; sex is an act that is meant to bond two people together and should not be used in a disrespectful way...it is a power.
He is a cheater; a liar and how can you do the same to someone you are with. Have you forgotten how much you hurt and were wounded over his betrayal?
You need to stop taking lessons from this dishonest and weak individual...his character is atrocious.
End it.
Also, you will have to come clean with your current partner...this is what an accountable and considerate person would do.
I do not envy the mess you are in and I hope you smarten up and sort your life out...then you will be able to have happiness and peace in your life.
Best of wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006): I don't know where to start really...
I don't think you have really accepted yet how much this boy has damaged you. I say damaged because his betrayal as led you on to be a person you wouldn't have otherwise been.
You didn't need his forgiveness for sleeping with his friends. You slept with these people because the virginity you shared with him, within the context of a loving relationship, was sacred to you and he destroyed that. The way you have reacted is little different from someone who is sexually or emotionally abused, the hurt is so bad, it has broken your connection between love, intimacy and sex.
You have not yet accepted that it was NOT your fault he cheated on you. What he has done has caused you to believe that you, and your body, is worthless. Your actions show that you are seeking to show that you are not worthless in a paradoxical way that is making you worse.
Do you not see the sick irony that you are now contributing to the same dispicable acts that destroyed your world? He hurt you, so you hurt him, and now you are both hurting other people, and these people will, in turn, go on to hurt more people. Knowing that, can you accept the responsibility for knowing how much pain and misery you are causing other people?
The best thing you can do deary is to stay WELL CLEAR of this boy and come to realise just how he has destroyed who you were.
You need to see that it is not a healthy love you feel for him, but rather a distructive need to feel like you are loved by him. Again, I draw parallels to people who suffer sexual and emotional abuse; it is those who hurt them the most that they most desire love from.
The longer you involve yourself in this circle-of-abuse, the more damaging it will be for you. You will have less opportunities to meet someone who will *truely* love you for who you are. Can you imagine, in the future, how difficult it will be for you to tell someone who loves you the mistakes that you have made?
I genuingly think you will, at some point, want to talk to a counselor about this. The key to why you are behaving like this is in how you rationalised what happened to you when you were cheated on and a trained person can help you do this. The next time you have sex, and feel revolting, dirty and used, I want you to hold on to those thoughts and compare them to how you felt BEFORE you were cheated on. I bet you had never felt like that then, had you? Those kinds of thoughts should give you a very clear idea that what you are doing is very damaging to you because sex should never make any one feel that way.
Situations like yours genuingly sadden me, I just hope you can find your way out of it before too long. I do wish you the best with whatever you do decide to do though, good luck.
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