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male
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*ellamy
writes: I finished with my girlfriend as I didn't feel as though she was there for me when I needed her. She has a lot on her plate, but I still expected her to be there for me when I needed her.I realised that maybe I acted hastily, but now she says that she cannot commit 100% to trying again with me as she has so much on her plate. Her brother is seriously ill, and she has her own health, work and accommodation issues. The worst part is that I feel useless, I still feel like her boyfriend and want to help her through these problems, I don't want her to have to deal with them on her own I have said that I want to try again, but she says she just wants to be friends for now, without committing to trying again in the future, just 'seeing how it goes'. Should I just go along with being friends? I know that we are more than friends though, which makes it so hard. I don't want to be friends for two months while she sorts out her problems, only for her to turn around in two months and say that she is happy just being friends and doesn't want anything more. If I force her into a decision now, however (either we try again properly now, or it's over for good), then she will choose the latter as she hasn't got the energy to commit to trying again right now. The worst thing is that if I just do nothing, I feel as though the relationship is slipping away from me and there's nothing I can do about it.What should I do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (6 March 2006):
 Hi,
I think you need to take a hard look at your actions, and you will realise that her responses were inevitable.
You say she wasn’t there when you needed her – but her brother is seriously ill – it sounds to me like you weren’t there for HER when she needed YOU. In fact you are even worse than what you say she is: you actually DUMPED her when she needed you most!
You are now getting the response you deserve – she is wary of relying on you, and you only have yourself to blame. Actions speak louder than words, there is no point saying that you “want to help her”, but then a few sentences later it appears as though you only want to help her because you want HER to support YOU. That doesn’t sound like you really care about her, it sounds selfish to me.
Forcing her to make a decision will NOT work. Even if she is so vulnerable as to get back with you, she will resent you for issuing the ultimatum. But to be honest I don’t think she will, at least not while she is going through what she is obviously going through with her brother.
You don’t have to do “Nothing”, you can consider being a REAL friend (what she is obviously crying out for at the moment), and being supportive, and available, but NOT with a double edged sword: don’t issue ultimatums, and expect something in return for your kindness.
At least if you behave this way, she may slowly regain her trust in you, which I have to say she has every right to have lost all of it in you. Unfortunately for you, if you make a more supportive “Friend” than a “Boyfriend” she may decide that you are better as a friend, so you are in a catch 22 because of your impulsive act of selfishness.
I wish you luck – I would recommend trying the Real Friend strategy, at least there is only goodwill that will come out of that one.
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