A
male
age
51-59,
*ack221
writes:i was with my ex for 14yrs and we are separated now she said she did not trust me and i lied to her about small stuff and she did not have the energy to work at the relationship anymore,then i found out that she had been cheating and lying to me for about 4 or 5 months before we broke up,now she tells her friends that i was no good,immature,jealous,she puts me down to her friends,i want her back and i still love her,what do i do , i am so confused, what to do
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (7 March 2009):
 OK, Mack. You are correct, you need help. While we all would like to, I don't think we can provide you with the help that you need right now.
Number one, both of you need to be counselled as a married couple (if both of you wanted it to make it work). She needs to discover what it is that she wants from you, from her children, from life. If she wants her "space" so she think with a clearer head, that is fine - shows that she wants to work on it. But "space" and "bad mouthing" do not go together.
Number two, you still need some counselling as an individual, regardless of whether or not you are trying to salvage your marriage. You have children involved. You are heartbroken already, and in deep pain.
Number three, Your children can see all the pain you are going through. You need your strength to look after them, to love them. Are they still in school? If worse comes to worst, will you get joint custody? or full custody of them? They still need at least one parent who is happy and honest they can look up as a role model. So, be the role model they need you to be. Cheating and committed relationship are unacceptable, for the very reasons you are experiencing. So what lesson in life are you giving your children?
So Mack, in summary, I truly deeply strongly urge you to (a) look for a support group in your area, or at least make an appointment to see a consellor/therapist/psychologist, (b) take the time to talk to your children about your situation, and spend more time doing fun activities with them (hiking, picnics, barbeques. sports, fishing, movies, eating out, etc etc)
Go, Mack. Heal yourself. Now!
Cat
A
male
reader, mack221 +, writes (6 March 2009):
mack221 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwondering cat , yes i think i was a very caring person i still am, when she would get home supper was on the table,house cleaning was done as best as possible,laundry was done,kids homework done, and sometimes hot bubble bath was ready, we were broken up but lived together for about 2 months to see what would happen,we slept in the same bed and cuddled,sometimes we hugged and kissed, cuddled up and watched movies together,all she would say was i do not know what i want and i need my space. do not get that, i need help
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (6 March 2009):
Dear Mack,
Were you a very caring and confident person before your relationship with your wife? If you were, the tone of your question is already showing the symptom of a long term emotional abuse.
You checked up on her because you had suspicions that she was cheating, and you found evidence to confirm your suspicion! Yet, instead of admitting to her infidelity, she turned the table on you. In other words, she manipulated the situation and turned you into being the "baddie" instead.
Why? Because she can.
Because she knows that she was wrong, but wants to do it again. Because she can (by manipulating you)
Because she "wants" that power over you.
She wants her cake and eat it too.
She enjoys the creature comforts you gave her, but she wants to play outside too. And still comes back to her creature comforts at home.
I don't know what started her cheating "habit", you know her better than I do. It could be anything from her own childhood experience (of living in a dysfunctional / abusive family ... thus to her, cheating is a "normal" behaviour, to a dissatisfaction she feels in your marriage, to a need to feed her substance abuse habit. (By the way, this reminds me something: go get yourself checked for STDs/STIs. Now!)
In summary, it is back to her not respecting you. She may say that she loves you, but is LOVE equals RESPECT? She disrepected you, repeatedly. Even now, she still tries to belittle you by badmouthing you to her friends.And even now, you still question yourself - as if you were the one that has wronged her. It is not about you, it is about her.
Let go of her. You could not breather because she had manipulatively taken the air out of you. If she loved you, she would make sure that both of you have lots of fresh air to breathe.
Like VMadman said, move on! Your ex shows no remorse, so you do not need her in your life. Time for you to heal.
Find and contact a support group for Abused Men in your area. Or find a 24/7 Help Line. Heal well!
Cat
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A
male
reader, mack221 +, writes (6 March 2009):
mack221 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto wondering cat, the reason she said for not trusting me was that i was checking up on her and going behind her looking for stuff on her. what i found was she was cheating on me and she condemed me for my actions,and when i confronted her she said that i insulted her when i said she was cheating,why does she do this.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (6 March 2009):
You have been in a relationship where your wife was abusive to you. It is not surprising that you are the one feeling "bad", because like any abusive relationship, one partner is left behind with feelings of low self esteem and "dependency" toward the "aubser".
However, when she said she could not "trust" you anymore, does that mean that you too, had cheated on her in the past? If you had, then it would appear that both of you had managed to be abusive to each other. And that, is not a healthy relationship.
Here is a brief definition on [family] abuse:
Family violence is the abuse of power within relationships of family, trust or dependency that endangers the survival, security or well-being of another person. It can include many forms of abuse including spouse abuse,
Family violence may include some or all of the following behaviours: physical abuse, psychological abuse, criminal
harassment/stalking, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, and spiritual abuse.
Ignore whatever negative things and put downs she says to you and tells her friends. She is disrespecting you. You don't need that from her. But, you do not have to act defensive, it will just give her the satisfaction to prove her point and be more abusive. You can show her that you are the bigger person than she is.
You need to understand your situation first, i.e.
· Understand four major kinds of abuse and how they might look when a man’s partner abuses him
· Know what to look for so you can recognize abuse in heterosexual relationships when the woman is the abuser
· Know what you can do if you recognize yourself in these descriptions
· Know where to get help for yourself
Unless both you and your wife mutually agree to going to a marriage counselling, there really is not much you can do. And to be honest with you, it does not sound like your wife wanted to stop her abusive behaviour, therefore you are better off to let her go.
Letting her go, forgiving her, forgiving yourself, healing yourself, would be a much better option for you. If you have any children, please make sure that they are "educated" and made aware of what abuse means, so they will not repeat the cycle in their married or adult lives.
If you can find support groups for abused men in your area, I suggest you go there. Unfortunately, you will find that you are not alone.
I don't think there is anything wrong with men shedding tears, but you are still in your prime time and productive years. So be strong and be kind to people, and you will find a good woman who will love and respect you and you her.
The following are links to various sites that I suggest you access and read up.
Abused men often suffer in silence
http://www.canada.com/ottawacitizen/story.html?id=90542a7c-9b66-4918-83e7-f0f30369bc88
Men Abused by Women in Intimate Relationships:
it happens and it matters
http://72.14.235.132/search?q=cache:m9g-daaTQRgJ:www.498a.org/contents/dv/MenAbusedByWomen.pdf+abused+men+canada&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=14&gl=id&client=firefox-a
and some "light reading"
http://www.usnews.com/blogs/on-men/2008/7/18/men-are-victims-of-domestic-violence-too/comments/
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Why_Men_Cheat_vs_Why_Women_Cheat_The_Top_10_Reasons_Why_Men_and_Women_Cheat.html
http://groups.yahoo.com/phrase/emotional-cheating
Good luck and be strong!
Cat
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A
male
reader, vmadman  +, writes (6 March 2009):
MOVE ON.
I can remember this exact situation as teenager. This girl (#1) hurt me over and over and I couldnt let her go.
I finally fixed the issue by finding someone else (#2).
Of course, as soon as that happened the girl (#1) wants me back.
I ended up marrying her (#1) but 7 years later I still havent REALLY gotten over it. So, move on man, its a losing battle no matter what she decides to do.
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