A
male
age
51-59,
*tupidandlost
writes:Hi allhmm where to start. 24 years ago, aged 23, I fell madly in love with the most beautiful person. We were together for 5 years, got engaged, but were young and we split which at the time was devastating for me. She hurt me and my trust was betrayed. Time heals all wounds though and I got on with my life despite this gnawing urge that our relationship was unfinished business so I got in touch with her again. It transpired that she also had been trying to trace me and we resumed our relationship and stayed together for a further 8 years but this time, after a rocky patch and some time spent in a long distance relationship it was I who was unfaithful to her and we finished again. I make no excuses for my behaviour. I pushed away the person I've always felt I should spend my life with.I'm struggling now with my desire to find her again. I think at the very least I would like, as an older and much wiser person, to say sorry and to tell her just how much a positive influence she has been in my life. My feelings for her remain though I bury them. Occasionally I dream intensely and vividly of being with her and talking and wake to find here not here.It's a crazy question to ask if I should try to find her. She may be blissfully happy and I certainly could not be responsible for disrupting that but I don't feel as though there has ever been real closure on our relationship. For her maybe but I don't know.What to do? Leave it or risk it? Any advice would be welcome.
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male
reader, Stupidandlost +, writes (20 April 2009):
Stupidandlost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the replies so far. Some excellent advice and all have been helpful. I really don't know what to expect should I find her (which I probably can as I have a rough idea of where she is now) I guess there are some things I want to say but whether she would want to hear them now, well, only by contacting her will I find out.
Emily...yes I'm prepared for any response. I'm not hoping for "happily ever after" but rather to say sorry for any hurt and to let her know how hugely she has influenced my life.
Audrina....yes I think the internet might be perfect for this. And yes your question re trust is a valid one.
missjayne...wise words from one so young! I don't want to regret anything but I fear upsetting her by getting back in touch.
anonymous...she may still be resentful as, in part, I still resent some things that she was responsible for. We both hurt each other at different times. It all seems like yesterday.
I've decided to place a brief notice in the personal columns of a paper in the city where she lives. I'll keep it there for a period and see if I get an email and take it from there I think. Above all else it would be good to know that she is well and happy. Thanks all so far :)
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (20 April 2009):
The worst that could possibly happen is that you find her and she tells you to piss off. She married now and she can't forgive you. She never EVER wants to see or hear from again.
If you prepare yourself for that outcome and trace her expecting that and nothing more.... then you have nothing to lose.
If you get your hopes up of a happily ever after then you may end up hurt, and then doing/saying something stupid to hurt her.
Do it but go in with the lowest possible expectations. Anything else will then be a bonus.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Audrina  +, writes (20 April 2009):
The beauty of the internet is that it can be often non-confrontation. Maybe if u can contact her via email or a letter form. Broach the subject first with something like "I understand that you may be blissfully happy.....etc" tell her exactly what u've shared with us and see if she replies.
Obviously you've both hurt each other a lot but also have a long standing connection. But imagine if you do eventually come back together, could u really trust each other wholly?
If she does reply in an interested manner then a grand gesture could be in order.
Also think of yourself too, you deserve to be happy also i'd weigh up the pros and cons, and be brutally honest with yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): What have you got to lose by finding her? If she is blissfully happy with someone else , then simply catch up as old friends. If you feel so strongly about her being the one you're meant to spend the rest of your life with, there is only answer and that is to risk it and see where it leads you. Though if it was you who betrayed her, has enough time passed such that she wouldn't still be feeling resentful towards you?
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