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female
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* need to talk to someone
writes: I am not normally into writing into places asking for help, but this moment I really need it. I am lost.I love my fiance to bits like no other man before, the only thing is he does not understand me at all, I may not be the brightest tool in the shed sometimes but I really do try to get him to listen to me and my feelings but I always feel as though he doesnt want to listen once that I have told him how I feel and he doesnt agree.For example tonight we had just started to talk again after a almost 4 day arguement which was about things that he had been hiding from me ( I will not go into it all) but lets just say it was something he and I know he should not have done.When I tried to be rational and tell him how I felt etc - he shouted at me through the whole conversation saying that I was a dumb ****** for not having trust in what he had done and that he did nothing wrong, even if I cried it was not enough for him to see my pain, anyhow over the whole weekend he kept doing the same did not want to comfort me when I was really upset, I went for a drive at 2,30am and he did not even try to call me or anythng to make sure I was ok. He used to do caring things in the start now I feel as though he tells me he loves me and I guess I do believe him, but i cant understand why when I said after we made up tonight, I aksed him did he feel upset over the weekend? He said he felt sick, when I tried to explain to him that I felt really upset scared of losing him and realised how much I do love him and that I would lose a big part of me if it was over, and I said did you feel anything like that and he cracked it with me saying that I was trying to make him feel the way that I feel and would not speak to me calmly to explain, he kept shouting so I could not understand why it was just a big drama for him to get angry with me rather than say to me I missed you lots and I really hope we never lose each other etc, well something along those lines, he just said that's it! I have told you I just felt sick.I then confronted him about his gambling (ok selfish but not only is it on my mind but I also was not happy that it was too much to ask for a little self worth on how much he may have missed me over 4 days)As he had a gambling problem only 2-3 months ago and did not get help my guess is that he still has the problem. Perhaps not gambling as much but it still hurts me when I go to his wallet and he has bet $50 on one horse alone and another 70 dollars on various other bets. He tells me that it's too bad for me cos it is in his blood and he will never stop. I do not even expect him to stop fully perhaps, just understand how scared I am and also as I am too scared to tell him, but I really still cant trust him after his gambling episode. It really kills me and I feel although he did the damage and then a few hours later said sorry I feel he could not have meant it for him to continue doing it, and not having any compassion at all for any feelings I have anymore, he even hates communicating with me, and finally over the last 4 days there has been 2 different occasions where he has said - It's been on my mind to break up with you - we then got over that one and then today after asking about how he felt and about the gambling he told me WHAT A GREAT LIFE THIS IS THAT I HAVE!! What can I do, he really used to be there for me to understand and comfort me if I was down whereas now not only does he show he can't be bothered to talk to me but he has started calling me names such as ****head and dumb *****. and he does not have patience for me anymore, he worries more about his friends judging our arguements rather than how the arguement affects me.Please help I am really at a point where I dont know what to do and scared that I am going to do somethng towards the relationship that I am sure I will regret because I love him so much I really do. My heart aches when I say that. We have a daughter together and I want to stay a family also. I haven't stopped loving him, but I am scared that either he has stopped loving me as much but cos of our daughter he does not want to say anything, or his gambling is out of hand again which I dont think as much cos I made sure the accounts were not able to be withdrawn by him, or he holds a grudge for me because I found out about his gambling and hates me for that.I really need help please this is breaking my heart and I really have trieed to tell him and despite him knowing he refuses to explain tings to me or try to understand that I am really hurting.Over the weekend I really though him and I were over - he ran out on me and I did same to him, he told me he had been thinking about breaking up with me, then when we talk he tells me that he didnt worry about us breaking up cos he knew it wouldnt happen. I am scared that one day it will and he wont find out until it's too late and it will kill me I do not want to lose him he is everything to me and my daughter, whom he is the best father too.Thank you Regardsplease help
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female
reader, Helen05 +, writes (2 August 2005):
Oh dear..you have to decide whether you are a person or a saint. You could spend your whole life being understanding, interpreting rages and moods and accepting apologies, paying gambling debts and accepting insults. What do you get in return? Waiting for the slightest scrap of attention?
You feel like you are the only person in the world that understands this man, and that he needs you and that makes you feel special. It may make you feel special for about five minutes and then you feel like a doormat. He piles all his problems on you, but won't listen to yours.
Go 20 years into the future. Your daughter is with a man like this. You see her self esteem taken away from her slowly and you try to tell her that she cant live like this. She looks you in the eyes and tells you that thats how dad treated you. That was your life. What do you say then?
If this relationship continues you need to insist that he gets help for his gambling. THats a starter. you need to talk, not shout and you need to realise that you dont deserve to be called names and treated badly. Stop running away from each other and take it from there.
A
reader, becky05 +, writes (2 August 2005):
Whats so good about this man that he means everything to you? Hes a liar and a compulsive gambler, he insults you openly and has no respect for you.
I think that you know already that the best thing to do would be to end this relationship as this man will never change.
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