A
female
age
30-35,
*genda
writes:I knew D for 5 years. We were officially in a rship for 3 years. Things weren't easy we always Had fight which led me crying the whole night everytime. We often Had misunderstandings, arguments and I began to lose hope. He promised that he'd change for good but he ended repeating the same thing,Where alas I lose hope. I asked sometime to consider our rship Where we continued our friendship 2 years till now. He doesn't want to give up on me and I'm afraid to trust him. I fear that If the same thing happens, I'd be heartless towards him and I Dowan to get hurt. Because he's always with me (going out together mostly) I feel guilty at times to look forward for a new rship with a new person. I Dowan to hurt him .what should I do? Recently, a guy proposed me... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (18 April 2013):
Hi. It seems like there is some kind of communication breakdown going on.
Although you apologise when you believe that you were wrong, he won't do that when he is wrong.
When two people can't agree, they can often try and push their point forward to influence the other to their way of thinking, and the other does the same.
And so each digs their heels in even deeper, the more pressure they feel.
And so inevitably there is a stand-off and the discussion goes nowhere, or there is an argument.
Two people no matter how well they know each other, are not always going to think the same.
They may agree on many many things, in fact most things, however there will be some things they just can't agree upon.
And that is human nature.
We are all unique, with different lifestyles, different belief systems, and so it is inevitable that there will be some differences between 2 people in a romantic relationship.
It is just NOT possible to think the same way all the time.
Sometimes, we just have to agree to disagree, if you know what I mean by that.
To just agree with each other, that you accept you are both different in some things.
And there is nothing wrong with that, whatsoever.
And it also depends on what types of things you do argue about - or disagree with - whether they are tiny unimportant things, or whether they are really big things that directly affect the relationship and both parties.
Tiny things would be:-
- Not putting the toothpaste lid on properly.
- Not putting the bins out.
- Not sharing the household chores equally.
- Leaving clothes on the floor instead of putting them away properly.
Things like that, and there are lots of them.
Or big things could be more like:-
- Making big decisions or taking out a large financial loan - and not telling the other person about it.
- Running up a very high credit card balance, and not mentioning it.
- Getting into a lot of other debt and not mentioning it.
- Gambling heavily and losing large amounts of money, and owing money to people, because of this habit, and not mentioning it.
- Drinking heavily on a regular basis.
- Secretly chatting online with other people, and not mentioning it.
And so many other things as well.
There might be some trust issues on his part as well.
He might suspect that you are having these online conversations with strangers, and talking about him behind his back.
And especially, if he sees you sitting at the computer for long periods of time.
Because, unless he says anything to you, well then you won't know this for sure.
And so he could be worrying about this, and that he might be losing you to someone else.
It is possible.
What needs to happen now - if you haven't done this already - is that you both sit down together and have an open and honest heart to heart chat with him about everything.
And Stay calm, be respectful and considerate of his feelings at all times.
And don't get angry or upset, as this will change how you communicate - and in a very negative way.
This will be the perfect opportunity to say what is on your mind, and be heard.
And for him to say all that is on his mind, and be heard.
And I mean to really LISTEN to what each other has to say - without any interruption, whatsoever.
And this will be the only way, you can both clear the air, once and for all.
To get it all out in the open - what is worrying you, and what is worrying him.
And to find PEACE.
And isn't peace, what we all want?
Once you can both calmly and respectfully, talk in depth and with complete honesty with each other, you can then clear up all misunderstandings, before they ever become a problem again.
I really believe it will help.
And just one more thing.
Whenever there is a problem no matter how big or small, the ONLY person you should ever discuss it with - is the person you are in the relationship with.
Because it is only between you and him.
Anyone else you tell - even close friends or family - can only make things worse, by putting all different thoughts into your head and just confusing you.
Any problem in a relationship, is ONLY between those two people - and no-one else.
To tell anyone else at all, is a recipe for disaster, I promise you.
And it can result in a relationship breakup, and that is probably not what you want.
A
female
reader, Agenda +, writes (15 April 2013):
Agenda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor the past 3 years, I do admit that I was blindly in love with him. I cry to my worst and when he says sorry, I Really did trust then forgave then the same pattern went on. He's honest to me and only me. The problem that I used to have was : we're having an argument and If I'm wrong I'd just admitit to him but he wont. I never expected him to admit but at least he shouldn't end up blaming me all the time and atlast I end up with confusions and guilt. Even till now he'd say that what he's trying to say is right and I always mistake him. I'm not able to be honest enough with him cause I have secret chat friends. I'm not able to share my thoughts, incidents or feelings with him, guess I've already fixed in my mind that he won't understand. He keeps saying that I'm stubborn and egoistic. When I begin to defend for myself, he thinks of me this way...we used to argue a lot and I always ended with high body temperature
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (14 April 2013):
Hi there. When you say you don't know if you can trust him, what is it that he has done to cause you to feel this way?
Has he cheated on you in the past?
If it is that, well then that is a good reason not to trust him, or at least to have some doubts still.
Because, often when people cheat once, it will sometimes be that it will happen again in the future with someone else.
So if this is the reason you don't trust him, well then the doubt is always going to be there, unless he can prove to you that he can be trusted completely.
And as you haven't said here why you don't trust him, I am making an assumption that it could be, that he cheated.
It is usually the main reason most women stop trusting a man.
And if cheating is the reason, how did you find out about it?
I might have it all wrong here, as I only have a few small details of your real situation.
Three years is quite a while to get to know a person well, and from what you say, whatever it was that he kept repeating and hurting you, it doesn't seem to be changing towards the better, does it?
Yes, perhaps he has said he will change, but those are only words.
He needs to back it up with action, that really proves to you that he WANTS to change and to make you happy.
So it seems that it really is a pattern of behaviour, which he does unconsciously, without any consideration for the consequences.
And this pretty much says it all, don't you think?
He says one thing, and does completely the opposite.
So it is no wonder, that you lose faith in him.
If he had any serious intention of changing how he lives his life, well then surely, he would have done it in a few weeks to about a month at the most, of making that promise to you.
It almost seems as though he doesn't care much.
Or, you don't make him accountable for his actions, because you accept his apology, and forgive him, and so he knows you will always be there, so he behaves himself for just long enough for you to forget about the last time, and then he does it again.
Do you understand what I mean by this?
You might say to him that you don't like what he does, and you cry and are upset, and he then says what he thinks you want to hear, and that's it - all is forgiven and forgotten.
Well, until the next time.
And history very often predicts the future, especially when no new decisions are made by him, about how he will change.
If you keep on taking him back, he knows he can get away with it every single time.
And so far, that is exactly what has happened, isn't it?
Whereas, if you told him it was over - because you really don't trust him, and don't believe you ever could - what you then need to do, is act upon it.
Don't just threaten to end it - do it!
Right there and then.
Because it seems very likely that history will repeat it self over and over again.
And you have already seen this happening now.
Because he says he will change, but he does not.
So you now have a decision to make, because if you stay with him, it is highly likely that this pattern of how things go, will just continue on and on.
And all it will do, is stop you from finding true happiness with someone really worthy of your love.
Please consider it very carefully.
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A
female
reader, Dayzee +, writes (14 April 2013):
It sounds like a pretty crappy time you have been having. SO why are you letting it continue for one second longer?
You need a relationship where you talk and understand each other, love, laugh, trust and have fun.
When you break it off make it clean and final.
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A
male
reader, peanut_gallery  +, writes (14 April 2013):
You have to move on. One could write 5 paragraphs about the various intricacies of these types of relationships but it all boils down to the same thing: Move on.
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