A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm in a mostly-happy, well-adjusted four year relationship. I'm pretty good about not sweating the small stuff, but what about the medium stuff? How do I get past a relationship issue that really bothers me, but that I can't resolve and isn't serious enough to warrant ending an otherwise great relationship?As brief background, my boyfriend moved in with me two months ago despite the long and costly commute he'd have to make daily to work. It's affected him way more than I thought it would, and he's been pretty bothered by the degree of sacrifice he's having to make; regardless, he says he's committed to living together. He still has school (he's finishing his masters), his parents, his barber, etc, etc, etc where he used to live, and if he has to take care of anything there in the evenings he often decides it isn't worth the drive back to our apartment and stays at his parent's house. This has been a source of conflict because I don't feel like we actually live together -- I feel like I have an apartment, and he splits his time between his parents and my place.Regardless, the point is that he feels overwhelmed by the commute, and try as I have, I cannot convince him to make the commute on evenings when he needs to be in the other town. I realize that to avoid fighting, I need to readjust my expectations and accept that for now, for us, living together doesn't mean 24/7 like I imagined and hoped it would. Yet every time he calls and says he needs to stay at his parents because something came up and it wouldn't make sense for him to do the commute so late, I feel myself getting really angry.I know I can't change what he does, only how I react to it, and it isn't serious enough to throw away a four year relationship. But how do I keep from being so bothered by it?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 December 2011):
 I suggest that you read good novels on those nights when he is elsewhere, so late that he can't come to your home....
When he CAN come "home" make the most of it....
Good luck...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): I used to commute and hour an half each way to get to work every day. It is exhausting and it really does take a lot out of you. I would often stay at my best friend's house who lived 5 minutes away rather than make the commute, just so I could get some sleep and regenerate so I could make it through the week. Don't take it personally, it's not about you, he has sacrificed to move to be with you, it's just sometimes you really just can't take the commute that night. Is there anyway that you can move half way to make his commute a bit shorter. I ended up leaving the job I had after a couple of years because I just couldn't take the commute anymore, and couldn't move closer to my job. Commuting is physically and mentally draining, and as much as you want to just go home to your own place, sometimes you really just can't do it, and staying closer is the only way to make it through the week. Keep reminding yourself when he stays at his parents that it is about his physical need and not about you, find a way to enjoy the night you have to yourself. It will make your time together even more special.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (3 December 2011):
You could do the purely practical, which is, move out of your present place, and both of you find a new place that's closer to where he works. Also, maybe it will help you to deal with this if you see this as a temporary situation. He won't be in school forever. And at some point you will probably move out of this apartment anyway.
Otherwise, you might want to examine your own feelings in this and why this makes you so upset. What does it represent to you, when he chooses to spend the night at his parents', when you know that he has a 'good" reason for it and he's already making sacrifices for the relationship? What is the underlying meaning or significance of it to you? After all, for most of your relationship you lived apart. So technically speaking, what you have now is a step above that if he's spending some nights with you. Why is it important to you that "living together" means 24/7 when this is still a step above what you had before?
Also try to examine why your reaction is one of anger, when you know that he has a long commute and it's late and in a few hours he will have to commute again in the morning. Or is it not the fact that he spends the night at his parents' but his attitude? Are you reading different intentions or subtexts into his behavior (e.g. like maybe you think this shows he has a fear of commitment and is avoiding living 24/7 with you)? the more clearly you can identify to yourself the reason that you feel angry about this, then you can begin to 'talk yourself down' when you find yourself starting to get angry.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 I think you need to try and meet him in the middle hear. He feels like he is the one that has made the sacrifice of moving away to be with you, and I guess if he is tired he just finds it easier to stay with his parents. My guess is that even though he wants to live with you, he resents the fact that it was him that had to uproot and move to where you are. Would you both not have been better compromising and moving in to a place that is somewhere in the middle of where you are and where he is from so he doesn't feel like he has to do all the moving away. Talk to him about how you feel. Ask him how he feels and see if you can both come to some sort of agreement.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): Commuting can REALLY take a lot out of a person. I gave up a pretty good job just to NOT have to drive an hour to work every morning and an hour or more home every evening. I can understand why he would choose to not do it if he had an alternative.
Would you consider moving closer to where he works/schools/etc.? That might be a way to bridge the gap.
I would try to not take it personally and to use your "alone" time enjoy a personal hobby, read a good book or start a journal.
Good luck.
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