A
female
age
36-40,
*odscreation
writes:My boyfriend goes online to chat wit other females. is that cheating? I argue with him about it all the time and he says that im over reacting.Am i over reacting or is this the beginnning to something that can escalate into big problems? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): I am curious as to why you consider it cheating....in real life your boyfriend will talk to females everyday and that wouldn't be cheating..I am then left to assume that he is having sexual chat with these strangers, yes, I consider that cheating and it has no place in a relationship!
Please expound.
A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 It can escalate into a problem, but rarely a big problem.
Having friends online, whether they are the opposite sex or not, doesn't have to be very different from having friends at work or at the local bar or club or wherever. In fact, from a relationship point of view it's generally a lot "safer", but that does have the downside that there is a tendency to be much more daring and sexual than would ever happen face to face.
If you are finding that he seems preoccupied with his online friends, seems irritable after he has to break off an online conversation to do something else in the real world, or rushes to get back online to chat to a particular person, then you have a problem. Don't read TOO much into it even if you seem to have that problem - it's most likely no more than, at worst, an infatuation or a mild "addiction". When talking online to someone of the opposite sex without ever seeing them, it's very easy to build up a picture of what they're really like that ignores all the normal human failings we would quickly see in reality - so the online friend can be very much like the dream or fantasy that doesn't actually exist.
So, IF he has this problem and is displaying the symptoms, you need to explain gently to him that you aren't happy with the amount of time he spends online chatting, and you need to distract him into other things that involve you. He'll soon forget the online friends. Above all, don't make a major issue of it. He certainly won't see it as if it was "cheating", and trying to explain to him that you do see it this way is most likely going to be a battle you'll never win. So draw him away from it without accusations and stress, and then get on with your lives together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): When he goes online, is it his specific intention to chat with other females? Are the conversations he's having sexual in any way? How does he know these women? There's a lot missing in your story, however, it is up to you to draw the boundary line. If his behavior is not something you are okay with, then you need to tell him. And if he says you are over reacting, well then you tell him that it's up to you to do so. Give him an ultimatim if you absolutely must. If he is crossing the line outside of your comfort zone and is continuing to do so, it will turn into a very big problem. Not only that, but his complete lack of respect for your feelings is definitely a red flag. Regardless of whether he thinks he is doing something wrong or not, his behavior upsets you, and thus you are completely justified in feeling the way you do. I think you ought to sit down and have a talk with your man and draw the line. Tell him exactly what is okay and what is not, and that if he can't respect your boundaries then he can hit the highway. You've got to lay down the law. If you're uncomfortable with it, it IS a problem. I hope everything works out for you. Stay strong and best of luck!
-RJGirl
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