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Should I let my boyfriend watch porn?

Tagged as: Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 January 2005) 98 Answers - (Newest, 1 April 2012)
A , anonymous writes:

Me and my partner have been together for 3 and a half years and have recently moved in together. We found it difficult at first but now we are getting back to how we used to be. But there's one thing that really bothers me about him - he watches quite a lot of porn. I know he used to do this before we moved in but it didnt bother me then coz i wasnt there with him so i understood, but now ive found out he does it all the time and it really bothers me. He does shift work so sometimes we're not in bed at the same time so i doesnt bother me so much when he watches it when im not there but sometimes when im in bed and he's up he watches it downstairs.

I have said to him that it bothers me but he says it's normal. Should i let it get to me so much or is it normal? We have a healthy sex life but sometimes i feel like im not attractive enough for him or something coz although im not unattractive or anything im not like the girls in the porn films. Am i being silly?

Please help as im going out of my mind.

Thanks,

Kez

View related questions: moved in, porn, sex life

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A male reader, Skizzy United States +, writes (1 April 2012):

You knew before hand, but now it bothers you. So he has to change for you. You don't have a single thing about you that he wants to change or that bothers him. It's all his fault, he does this, and he must change. That's just the way it is. If you look at it like that, then I would say, you should be the one to change and not let it bother you. Unless he has handed you a list of things you do that he wants you to stop. Then you have the problem you need to let it go. Men are not like women we don't process things the same way, he's not cheating on you with a digital image, he is filling his time between having sex with you. Men are not women, we don't think or process information with the same emotions, there are things we do you will never get, just like we don't understand everything about women. We are for the most part wired differently and process things differently. Unless he is sleeping with other women, just let this go, if this is the only thing bothering you in the relationship, consider it a small thing, and move on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011):

I'm a 16year old christian girl, and my christian boyfriend of 1 month admitted to me that he watches porn. My first reaction was 'OMG this isn't happening to me'. He is my first boyfriend and I was still naive thinking that he was perfect and never stuffed up. Anyway after he admitted to watching porn, I started to doubt everything he has ever said because I felt like he had lied to me. But eventually I became to realize that he didn't have to admit to watching porn, but he was honest and told me, why did he tell me?

He knew that watching porn was wrong, if it wasn't then why did he have to hide it? Anyway to cope and get through this challenging time i had to confide in someone.... you may think I'm stupid but I confided in my Dad. He made me realize that even though we're Christians we still stuff up and sin because no human is perfect, that's why Christ died for us. Also having a porn addiction is like any other addiction whether that be smoking, watching too much TV or eating too much chocolate. An addiction, like porn, is like any other addiction that needs to be addressed.

My boyfriend chose to give up watching porn, well that's what he tells me anyway, but I believe him because he told me about his addiction in the first place, I didn't catch him out, he was honest. I know he genuinely wants to give it up because he knows its not being fair to me, or his future wife. He was looking at those women and seeing them as objects that he could just use and abuse and not seeing them as human beings.

Since he has come clean though he has told me that he doesn't have as much of a problem with porn anymore, yes he still has moments of weakness that he lusts over these women but he doesn't let his thoughts go on any further....

It's not just him that has to deal with this though, I have to as well and I also had to realize that his addiction isn't just going to go away over night. Like any addiction, it takes time to quit.

So my advise to all of you women who have partners who look at porn....How much are you worth, are you valuable enough to your partner that they don't need anything else because you're all they could ever need??

And If you can't work something out like this like mature adults, how are you going to address other things that could affect your relationship. You need to be able to talk about anything with your partner if you want your relationship to work, even if its the most embarrassing thing ever... If my boyfriend and I are both virgin and can talk about stuff like Female circumcism like adults, so can you..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010):

My fiancée watches porn ... I bought my wedding dress and the place is booked the invitations are ready to be sent out. BUT I AM CANCELING IT TONIGHT. And I am moving back into my mothers, which by the way is my worst night mare but its better than being with this ass hole

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A female reader, Julliet Canada +, writes (29 November 2010):

Julliet agony auntI am 30 years old and living with my bf who is 44 years old. I have a problem with my bf watching porn when my kids and me are around. If we're at school or not at home he can watch, and jerk off. I told him that already, but he's still doing whatever he feels is right. I watch porn sometimes and masturbate, but never when he's around because I know he doesn't like it when I do. It just seems to me that he'll do whatever he wants to do. Also, he has a problem with my shoes. I have shoes going 4 to 5 inches high, and he doesn't like me wearing them to go out when I'm alone yet he wants to watch women in their heels online. I told him it's not fair. I asked him to give me space and now he's at his dad, I'm here at home. I am thinking about what I'm going to do. My thoughts are still the same. Watch all the porn you want, let me do the same, and definitely don't watch it when my kids are around. Lastly, I will wear my heels to go any and everyw here. I can't wait to see how he's going to react to that..............

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010):

Hey Kez

Well in my opinion i think that when a person is single, porn is a healthy way to be sexual relieved, remember that men are visual and unlike us girls imagination is lacking so they need to be sexually stimulated by pictures or movies.

However i strongly believe that if you are in a relationship and your partner knows how you feel about him/her watching porn, then they should take your feelings into consideration and not watch it out of respect to you.

I would be very hurt if i was upstairs and knew my fella was downstairs being aroused by other women its disrespectful and hurtful and can knock your self esteem.

I would try talking to your boyfriend and maybe suggest you watch it together, either way you need to express how you feel before this ruins your confidence and your relationship.

:)

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A female reader, aiajames Canada +, writes (23 October 2010):

In my opinion, you should be in a relationship with someone you are content with not only mentally but physically, who is number one to you, no one even compares to them. Why would a boyfriend need to watch or fantasize about another woman if hes got something apparently better? talk is cheap, he may be telling you that you are more appealing or attractive then those woman, but hes clearly not proving that to you by his actions.

It may not bother some people, but the actual standards or what real loyalty is, watching porn is being disloyal because it is thinking about someone (sexually) aside from your partner. And with actual real love which is rare, loyalty is extremely important.

For example, Gene Simmons and his wife Shannon, they are an extremely healthy couple.

Gene Simmons may have slept with a lot of woman in his past but your past is your past and when you truly love someone you accept them for who they were are and who they will be, but in all their years of being with each other.. neither of them have cheated or slept with another person. They may joke around and Gene may be around sexy woman all the time, doing photo shoots with them but thats about it. Its okay to think other people are attractive but fantasizing is a whole different level. They are 100% brutally honest with one another which is amazing, because trust is key.

If you are at home with your boyfriend, and hes in the mood and wants to have sex but you don't feel like it or don't want to, he shouldn't need to go grab a magazine and go jack off to someone else, he should respect your decision and wait, then you know you are worth it. He could always ask you to get naked for him and think about you? or if your comfortable and have enough trust, give him your own videos or pictures of yourself. Even if hes at home alone and happens to get in the mood, he could always ask you to talk dirty to him, text or on the phone, think about you or even wait! If your boyfriend isn't okay of you visualizing/fantasizing about other men besides him/ getting off to other people, then its not okay for him to either.

Yes it is stupid or apparently "controlling" to ask someone to stop doing something that they want to, but if it is hurting/upsetting you then they should stop! if they love you and care about your happiness then they could stop doing something so easy as watching porn for you. Its different if you are trying to control who they associate with or where they go but watching porn.. thats understandable.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010):

I am currently not even talking to my bf as last night whilst i was in the bath(as i later discovered) he had been watching porn.I think im quite open minded and may even appear contradictory as i quite enjoy having sex with him whilst hes watching porn he likes.However i cannot stand it when he watches it at other times,for example we wake up have a bit of nookie i go to work and he watches porn to get himself off again!what is that about?i think as others have commented i also feel inadequte now and have said to him if u physically 'need' to do it then fine but dnt expect to have ur cake and eat it.i think it annoys me more because whenever i masturbate he is always in the fantasy,and i know when he is doing the same thing i'm not the person on his mind.How can it be justified?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010):

I've been with my boyfriend for 15 months and things are going great. I knew he watched porn, and didn't mind it at all! Recent I found out he had a lot more and watched it a lot more frequently than I had previously thought! I was upset at first because to me, this says something about his character, and less about how much he loves me (which I know is a lot).

After reading every response on this wall, I've decided that I'm okay with it. I never considered it cheating, and he never does it when I'm around. Some guys responded on this wall that they only need to think of their own women to get off, but I don't think of my boyfriend when I masturbate. Why should he be held to a different standard than me? While I still don't masturbate as much as he does, if I'm not around to facilitate, why should he not be allowed other means (as long as its not with some other woman!).

Also, I don't think this applies to many ppl here, but the question of 'Should I let my boyfriend watch porn?' is in my opinion ridiculous. You are not his mother, and if you are debating what you should or should not let him do, you should invest in a pet and find a boyfriend who already does what you want.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2010):

I am a girl, 20 years old and me and my boyfriend have been together for almost three years. And yes I don't like it when my boyfriend watches porn. But honestly it's harmless, he's not cheating on you, or sleeping around he's just looking at pictures/videos. I have fantasized about having sex with other guys, and I will admit to watching porn, so I know FIRST hand that it's harmless because I would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend. Everyone does it, all guys do it, it's harmless, don't worry about it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010):

From reading all the posts, I relate to many of you. My boyfriend would watch porn before we moved in together and it didn't feel so bad but I had no idea he was addicted to it. Well we ended up having a son together and he moved in with me that's when I first noticed the love of porn he has. The first time he told me it was a joke just to see how I would react and I was hurt from seeing on my computer and it being a joke but that was a lie. Many times after that incident he watched it after I'd fall asleep on the couch and like before he made up a lie, like he didn't know how it got on the computer or he just slipped up on it. I finally explained in detail the reason I didn't like him watching it and why when he did and then lied, I cried.

Once he got so angry with the fact I was going to break up with him after I told him so many times not to do it when me or my children are home and not to leave evidence to where my oldest could find it but he did it anyway, he took a kitchen chair and beat the crap out of the computer. Yet after all that I got a new one and he again watched porn. I've suggested he try to get help but he refuses.

A lot of the time he just looks, there's no jacking off going on, and I don't really understand why it just makes me feel like he's wishing those girls were me.

He did try for several months not to look at porn but usually there was a slip up which wouldn't hurt so bad if not for the lying part. But lately he's been might as well say treating me like shit, starting arguments for no reason and not giving sex but maybe once a week and it's not long lasting. We talked this morning about the things that have been bothering him and it's because he wants so bad to look and masturbate to porn but because it hurts me he's been trying to stay away and I just know if I don't give in he'll eventually go behind my back and start doing it again.

I love him with all of my heart and I know I have to make the choice let the porn or give up on our love. I know it's going to be hard but letting him go would hurt far worse than the pain I'll feel every time he watches porn. It may take a couple of months maybe even years but I think the best decision for myself and all the other women out there feeling unwanted, unattractive, and just plain betrayed, it all comes down to which is more important. There's a chance somewhere down the road you could get over the porn and even find away to take advantage of it or you could find someone just as amazing, wonderful, and loving, maybe even better than who the man in the relationship you're trying to save could ever be. But as for me the only problem in our relationship is the porn and I believe it's a relationship worth fighting for.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010):

Honestly, I read the other post and as a women that recently had this problem it pisses me off. If you love him and he loves you, lay the foot down and he will respect it. Maybe get some kinky outfits or something to keep his mind off of porn after you've asked him not to watch it. I do not know if you are religious, but it even states in the Bible that porn is cheating, and it is one of the deadliest sins. Porn is cheating, especially if you have been together for 3 years and are now living together. It is time he should be taking this relationship a little bit more seriously. Do not lower your standards girl. As him to stop, tell him how you feel, and if he loves you than he should respect that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010):

I would like to say this is MY ANSWER TO YOU rather than another 'I have the same problem'.

Ok, so I understand how you feel and my heart goes out to you. Coming to terms with the ‘porn and your boyfriend issue’ is a really hard process, but what you’ve got to understand is more about yourself than him.

Firstly, it is not a question of ‘should I let’ my boyfriend watch porn, it is something he will do anyway if it is readily available (i.e. internet on computer/phone) and if he watched it before he met you. This is regardless of whether you are in a long distance relationship, living separately or living together. He might also watch it regardless of the amount of times you’ve had sex in one day.

This could be explained ‘biologically’ as men like to do; ‘we men are biologically different from you women, it is something we need to do’, is probably not the best way to explain it. It is in our emotions and our upbringing where our differences arise, and over porn and masturbation this is no different. Something to think about is with men of the internet generation ‘porn’ and ‘masturbation’ are one and the same; porn makes masturbation more easy and exciting as it is a stimulus, particularly for men as research shows they are very visual creatures. They like something to look at and they masturbate a lot as this has been acceptable from an early age. Perhaps you could say they are more in tune with their sexual desires. This is not to say that the same does not apply to women, but in general we treat masturbation differently. For some women it is almost a dirty word that does not apply to them, we struggled talking about it to our friends when we were younger and we struggle to admit we do it when we are older, sometimes, even to ourselves. Porn then, is an even further leap for a woman, in understanding and practice, and when the one she loves is engaging in watching it, it can be really hard to come to terms with.

A lot of posts are particularly concerned with ‘he watches it when he could be having sex with me’, ‘I don’t mind him watching it when I’m out, but I think it is awful that he watches it when I’m in the house’. Masturbation for a man is different from sex, it something to relieve stress and tension and also makes him last longer when he has sex with you! There is a lot of pressure when he is having sex with you, the pressure to perform, and to make sure you are having a great time (hopefully) and he doesn’t have to think about these things when going solo, it is purely for him. Most men will tell you that having sex with their partner is much better than masturbation, and most men in their right mind would not choose to watch porn over having sex with their partner, they want to do both because they are different events! From some posts it seems that this is the problem, ‘why masturbate when you could have sex with me?’. Because sex is a lot of hard work and perhaps your boyfriend just wants instant gratification, from themselves (after all, a blow job or hand job from you might be great – but wanking is equally pleasurable in its own right, he knows exactly what feels good for himself). Him watching porn behind your back is just a way of making it more exciting.

The other issue is that he is looking at other women, which implies to you that you’re ‘not good enough’, ‘he wants something else’, ‘I can’t compete with those women’, ‘the scenarios he watches look better than the sex we are having’, etc. Your partner watching porn and what he watches IS NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU OR YOUR RELATIONSHIP. He is watching something he finds stimulating, the women on screen in front of him he will not think of after he has finished, they are idealized because it is material meant to turn someone on. It is merely something to watch to make masturbation more interesting. His fantasies are being acted out to him on screen, he does not need to imagine or think.

As I said at the beginning, your issue with your boyfriend and porn is something you have to overcome yourself. You can ask him not to watch it and he can accept this but when he gets the opportunity unfortunately he will want to watch it again and it breeds deceit and lies. I am not saying you have to accept feeling bad, I think you have to come to an agreement with porn that suits you as a couple. If finding it saved on a joint computer disturbs you, ask him not to do this, or him not setting up password protected files, you’re going to find them. It is also PERFECTLY REASONABLE to request he doesn’t watch it while you’re around, as a human, woman and partner if you find this upsetting and he is a man worth your time, he will respect your feelings and only watch it when you’re not around. Then you have to trust him. Installing spyware on the computer/phone/laptop is really sly. You are not respecting his privacy. He may live with you but you do not therefore control every aspect of his life. It is not fair. If you can’t trust him to do this then maybe you need to move on, and your lack of trust is separate from your issue with porn.

This brings me onto the fact that women want to be ‘the everything’ to their partner. Sometimes you might want to have control over your partner and them watching porn behind your back to you means you are out of control and you are not their ‘everything’. Sorry to break it to you but just because you love each other and you are in a relationship that does not mean you can dominate your partners’ lives. Women sometimes say that they want to know everything that their partner is getting up to, and relating specifically to porn; when they are watching it, and what they are watching, and perhaps this is because you have made your life revolve around your partner, up to the point where you want to know what they are masturbating to and when they are getting off. Is this really acceptable to you? Couldn’t your energy in this light be placed elsewhere and to things that BENEFIT you and don’t upset you? Your boyfriend should love you and support you, and he should do so unconditionally of some of your faults. You should do the same back and accept that porn/masturbation is a part of his life. I’m sure many of the women reading this will have various toys/fantasies/celebrities/lubricant/etc that help them get off by themselves, how would you feel if your partner turned around and said ‘stop using that dildo, it makes me feel like I am inadequate.’?

Some women have great difficulty accepting porn itself; some find it disturbing and unacceptable, and generally do not agree with it. In this case you again can assert your right as a human being not to have it inflicted upon you. Unfortunately you might be morally opposed to pornography but you cannot just inflict your views upon your partner who has probably spent many years enjoying what it has to offer. Your choices are to break up and move on and find someone with similar views as yourself or to try and come to terms with it by yourself. Perhaps try to accept that porn isn’t all bad. Porn can also stimulate you both as a couple and many couples watch it together to make their sex life different and more interesting. Ask him to involve you in porn, you may find it fun too, and he will most certainly love it. Although this seems contradictory to what I wrote earlier, many women will also admit to watching porn. Try it if you feel comfortable. I know many women of the modern age will combine it with their own masturbation. Masturbation leads to great sex, and this is no different for a man. Personally I watch all sorts of porn, have all sorts of masturbation practices, with and without my partner, and NONE of it replaces my man, nor is it better than the real thing, nor does it make the slightest difference to how much I love him.

If it is true to yourself it should be true to him as well.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010):

Hello,

Listen, I know most of you women who are living this situation where the one you love is watching porn and it bothers you, you are on this website looking for answers on WHAT TO DO, and you don't care about reading about other women living the same horrible situation. So I have a solution for those of you who are not living with the person who prefers watching porn then having sex with you (because in this case there is a serious problem that needs to be adressed).

I had written a previous message in this blog (date: December 20, 2009). I was in a very bad place in my life and i suffered a lot from my boyfriend watching porn. It had been an issue for months this past year between us two, and my trust for him was down and my insecurity level was up. It was going really bad because I had always had very high expectations towards him since it was so serious between us and I was so in love and I just felt like he let me down. I felt betrayed. Our sex life had always been so amazing so I just couldn't understand why he would watch porn and how in the world could he think it's okay.

Well, listen girls, there is no way of seeing this situation as being perfectly okay and nice. Of course, whether your sex life is good with him or not, it is not cool to think your boyfriend is jerking off to some other women having sex. It is in fact very disturbing and it can hurt really bad. So the more you think of it, the more it will hurt you and make you feel down in your couple life. The ONLY way to get out of this shit is to stop taking things so seriously. The only way is to stop thinking that men are capable of living up to your 'high' expectations. Boys will be boys. They only think about sex, they are not capable of not looking when a hot girl passes by, they are not capable of not thinking it would be amazing to fuck as many women as they possibly can. They lie about it because they think it's not that important and that it doesn't matter in the long run. Of course I speak in general. So girls, you have to stop and think about yourselves first. Just think about having your own fun since it's the only thing they think about too.

I now watch porn when I feel like masturbating and he's not available, instead of making the effort of imagining exciting scenarios with him (my boyfriend). You are doing him too much favor and you're being way too devoted to that other person. You have to remember you are the most important person in your life, you are the priority and you always have to think about yourself before anything else.

Porn is maybe not as popular for women as it is for men, but women watch porn too and it is an easy way for us women to masturbate too !! So watch porn, and just have fun with your life just as they are. It's the only way you will feel good, because the more you get emotionnal about him watching porn and not you, the more it will hurt you and the more you will feel ''unequal'' towards him.

Just act the same as he is, and you will not feel like it is ''not fair'' or like it's a betrayal.

Of course, I speak to the women who are making the choice of staying in this relationship with their man. For those of you who think they just can't accept it and that it is too difficult to take and move on, I suggest that you leave this person.

I had too much trouble accepting it too. It was to the point that I was checking his history every single day to see if he had watched porn, and in the last weeks, I had installed a parental control on his laptop computer. But I noticed that even with all of this, I still wasnt happy and I still was so stressed and angry at him.

You need to take a break and think about a real solution for yourself.

Personnally, I knew I wouldn't break up with him for this, so I figured I had to move on and accept it and stop taking HIM so seriously. He's never going to be so perfect. So I decided to have fun with my sexlife, and have sex with him just for MY pleasure, when I feel like having pleasure, and NEVER ''only for him''. And now, I don't know anymore if he's the man I want to marry, because he didn't live up to my ''perfect expectations''. He didn't take my profound feelings into consideration when he watched porn, so that makes him not as perfect as I thought.

And I just want to end this message by telling you that, no matter what, I still believe that pornography is bad and it perverts the mind, but nowadays, it is so much EVERYWHERE that you just can't do anything about it, except if both of you have the same opinion about it and think it is dangerous and are willing to cut it completely from your lives.

Thank you and I hope this message can help you women. I'm doing A LOT better now and I'm a lot happier. Even my relationship is doing great now...

Bye bye

A. K.

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A female reader, 1sadwoman United States +, writes (7 April 2010):

1sadwoman agony auntIt's OK as long as the Internet/Magazines are not replacing a real sex life with a real person. That's just not right--I know--I have not had sex in about 2 years but my BF of 12 yrs has admitted to masturbating and regularly receives porn pics/videos from his email friends. He won't admit to getting off with from them, but what's a girl to think?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010):

I Have been going through this situation with my BF in the past 2 years and we have now been together for 4 years. I can defiantly say I feel the same as most of you hear...I feel degraded and always asking myself "am i pretty enough for him?" He always did it while i was gone, which i guess will never stop, but then i caught him watching while i was there.... and again right before jumping in bed and i was so disgusted i lied and told him i was on my period and to leave me alone.

this bothered me so much that i had to do something. I wrote him a letter stating how i felt and i asked him not to do it while i am at home because its degrading. Ask your boyfriend how they would feel if they caught you watching GIANT COCKS and masturbating, or even wanting sex after watching it, and see what they say. Our self esteem is our bodys, mens self esteem is in there COCK.

I have learnt that if you don't like what they are doing do something about it!!!

1. If you are finding on your laptop, and you have asked him not to.......take the laptop with you everywhere you go...if it is out of sight it is out of mind.

2. If you are finding it affecting your sex life, tell him...and if he doesn't slow down on watching it , i know for a fact that there are men out there that think your beautiful for who you are!!!

3. If your like me and You love the guy too much to separate...and he has said many times.."I never to it to hurt you" then you can either initiate more sex, cause mabye he needs some physical stress relieve....

or if you kinda like porn, then maybe try and watch it, i mean don't sit there and stare at it, join along, see if you can do what there doing, take some tips and who knows it could add passion.

I have not taken that step yet because Im still in a zone where i still cant believe he does it and i just keep telling myself I'm beautiful and if i wasn't he probably wouldn't be with me...

I hope this helps to some out there who don't know what to do....good luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010):

omg this is stupid , porn really isnt stupid guys are going to watch it no doubt , its hardly cheating your not getting with any one else just pleasuring yourself if you walked in on him and he was doing it without porn would you still be angry ... no so its absolutly rediculess porn is good for men it reliefs stress , it seems that all the female writers on here get angry about it yet all the guys dont think its a bad thing , all you females who say " if i was watching porn im sure he would feel upset" no... we really wouldnt you can go and watch porn for fucksake stop complaining its not even bad

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010):

I have just searched for this online as i have recently found out my boyfriend was watching porn. i don't care what anyone says about it being normal, if it is so normal to watch porn, why do less women feel the need to satisfy themselves by watching porn?!

I am personally distraught that my boyfriend watches porn and i know exactly how everyone feels, it hurts! i'm sure if it was the other way round, and i was watching porn, he would feel the same as i do!

but men feel that they have the right to satisfy themselves in this way and then give the excuse 'it's what men do!' well iv'e had enough of hearing that excuse its feeble and insulting! i just don't know how to deal with it at all!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010):

Well here we go. All these women sooo upset by porn. Because it is upsetting. Porn never used to be so available. Why is there nothing that we can do about it?

It is cheating. No doubt about it and yes it does affect the couples sex life. There is definetely less real sex if the man is watching porn. Also less sex because it makes girls lose confidence in their own bodies and ability to please their man. Come on Why can't we do something about this. Why is the sex industry allowed to ruin so many lives? My man watches porn. It makes me feel gross. I think it is addictive and i think if it makes women feel this bad then something should be done about it. We as women are trapped. Porn is readily available 24 hours a day. It devalues women, and it devalues men. It desensitizes our sex lives and it ruins relaitonships. And here we are in the 21st century trapped by our own "freedom" to watch and do whatever we please. Even at the cost of our love lives. I have a young son. I wish him every happiness. I am sure he will view porn at some time in his life. God forbid that he too becomes an addict and therefore unable to experience true love and sex together with somebody he cares for because he has become so desensitized by the crazy availability of "pretend" sex sex sex. Good luck to us all. Men and women.

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A female reader, ladylove143 United States +, writes (30 March 2010):

ladies woudn't you rather have your man watch porn then f*ck another woman? my man will try to wake me up when I am sleeeping and sometimes I dont like that so i say " baby its ok go watch some porn" if he needs it and im not trying to give it to him, i'de rather him watch girls on a porn which i provide for him and i have watched them with him.. our sexual contact is normal we have sex whenever I want and mostly when he wants. but I do get angry if i run to the store and come home and he's asleep after jerkin off to some porn.. like you couldnt of waited hunn??. he will deny that he watched porn but i know he did. he watches it basically when im sleeping or not home. at first it bugged me, but we talked about it and he respects the way i feel about it. i try to not let it get to me.. the only thing people really care about is the fact hes lookin @ "another woman"..like i said would you rather him cheat or look @ a porno which most guys just jerk off to the d*ck in the p*ssy, men need the visuals.. woman do not need anything visual to pleasure there selfs......

and there also have been days where my boyfriend was in the other room cooking dinner and i was masterbatin behind his back. it doesnt mean the person doesnt love you. its quick and easy without the sex. and like i said men need the visual to masterbate.

as far as men who watch porn too much, they need help! life isnt about porn or sex. its about being happy and fullfilling ur life needs. if porn gets in the way of ur his life and doesnt please you b/c of porn, then you have a problem..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010):

I dont understand why women should have to go through that. my girlfriend went through this and i hate myself for it. it still bugs her sometimes and i want to know how to help her through it.

anyone putting their gf through this should be ashamed and i dont really understand why anyone like that is worth bothering with.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010):

Wow, I didn't know so many women were in my same situation. I have cried about this so many times and I've told him how it makes me feel so insecure and rejected. I don't mind him watching porn if I am away, after all I think every man watches porn. However, it kills me that even if I'm in the house...he'll sneak around with his laptop and masturbate.

I remember one incident where we were both in bed and I was trying to initiate. He said he was tired, so I went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to find him in the living room masturbating to porn. Needless to say, I was absolutely crushed.

I haven't been intimate with him now out of fear. I'll hug and kiss him but I can't bring myself to have sex because I just can't compare with these women in the porn videos. I truly feel like the most disgusting person in the world. I feel like he is unhappy with me and it is destroying my self esteem. I am so unhappy and he doesn't seem to care.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010):

Yeah, my boyfriend does the same thing, he makes me feel ugly and useless and we have sex all of the time, he told me he even thought about the girls in the porn with him as he did it. From what he told me he does it about 1-2 a day even if we have sex or not. When I asked him to stop it because it hurt my feelings he stopped talking to me and wouldn't even touch me. I know how all of your women feel, it hurts a lot and it makes me cry daily. I love him so much and it makes me feel like he doesn't love me. He even complains if I don't shave everyday he tells me it's fine if I don't but then whines about it, I feel like he's trying to get me to look like those girls even though I look nothing like them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010):

So many of us are dealing with the same problem, this is ridiculous!

Me and my boyfriend have been together for quite some time now, and have a wonderful and loving relationship. And everything is perfect except... he looks at porn every time he pleasures himself. And he masturbates 5-7 times a day, even on a day where we have sex. Which is often, so I'm confused why he feels the need to look at that degrading, horrible trash. I never doubted it when he told me I was beautiful and perfect for him, until I found out he looked at porn. AND lied about it to my face. I feel really unattractive, and like I'm not good enough. We've been fighting about this constantly. I even sent him pictures because he told me he would stop, but he lied! and still does it! So not only do I feel unattractive, but I feel stupid. I love him more than life, but this is an issue I don't know to to resolve!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010):

Wow, this page has become a page for women to moan about, yet another thing, to do with men.

I watch porn occasionally, I also have a girlfriend.

I love my girlfriend to pieces but sometimes a guy wants to relieve himself. I think the majority of you are taking it way too seriously and you keep saying, "its not normal"...

Well it clearly is, if your all complaining about it! Porn is something that will never go away.

Fair enough, its rude if the partner is in the house and I would never do it whilst in the house with my girlfriend. But the point is, some people (BOTH men and women) enjoy watching porn as well as having sex. It doesn't mean they love you less or find u less attractive.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010):

Below reader wrote this:

"My boyfriend has also said all the things that you girls have mentioned - that it is 'normal' - rubbish!!"

All the girls have said it is 'normal' because it is infact, normal. Watching porn excessively (especially when with a girlfriend/wife) is not normal. Occasionally it's fine and as long as it's because he's on his own and wants to let out some frustration then that's fine. Don't let them go watching it while you're in the same house but if you're at work or w/e then chiiiiiilllll. It IS normal.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010):

My fiancee (was, past) has been looking at porn for over a year now since I moved in with him after going out with him for 12 years. I like the rest of you feel totally worthless and to make matters worst he is now looking at gay sites and gay chat rooms. I have felt totally sick about it all and am now thinking of moving out and attempt to find a decent man - they are out there, and dont let him fool you that all men do this type of thing because they dont. If he is any sort of a 'man' he wont do this to his girlfriend especially when he is living with her. My boyfriend has also said all the things that you girls have mentioned - that it is 'normal' - rubbish!!

It is thoroughly degrading for a women and makes her feel like a nothing in life. So porno men get your act together and be sensitive to your partners likes and dislikes - if she dislikes it - dont do it.

Women want men to be men - not weirdos.

Lots of luck and dont put up with this sort of behaviour.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010):

This is a really tough one. I live with my boyfriend and always knew he watched porn but over the past couple of months its been driving me crazy. I dont understand it. He only does it when im out or at work but i stil think its disgusting. If youve been with somebody for years who you have long term plans with why the need to watch it? It makes me feel like crap thinking about it because its so gross and why watch that shit when you have somebody real and human there?

I confronted him about it..we've been having fights lately and decided to solve it by almost making it a game and basicaly just being honest and open. Wel one of mine was how much i hate the fact that he watches porn and that it makes me hate sex becos wel, it does. and he understood it..he was realy understanding actually and said it makes sense and that he wouldnt anymore.

He said the only reason he did was when we wouldnt have sex and becos sometimes he cums before i do so by jacking off before having sex with me prevents it. I flipped.

So now i dunno what to think. DO i believe him becos he was so understanding or is it just to shut me up becos realistically i would have NO idea if and when he jacked off to other naked girls.

I think u need to have some boundaries but at the same time dont suffocate them as all theyr gona do is run off and do the exact same thing with somebody else...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010):

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly three years and we are engaged. I don't mind him watching porn when am not there or at work but I think its RUDE to do it when am at home and he could just have sex with me like a normal person would. Its hurts me when he does that and I feel like shit. I don't like it when he saves the photos of naked chicks on my computer I mean as if watching it is not bad enough....why does he need to save it? I know its normal for a guy to masturbate I mean I do it am not gonna deny it but if I had a choice to fuck my partner or watch porn while his in the house I would rather fuck him. Guys that watches porn while there girlfriend is in the next room its wrong and you guys think we don't know about it but we do. It hurts us. If u want to do that shit do it when we are not there and please don't be stupid to just leave the saved photos on our computer...we are not stupid and we have feelings. If a guy keeps doing that to a chick eventually she is gonna go off and sleep with someone else and then we get call a slut...well if u fuck us in the first place instead of wanking to porn maybe we wouldn't. Ok I'm tired of venting but seriously am ova my boyfriend watching porn while am in bed its degrading I don't mind him doing it when am not home or at work. so guys stop being dickheads and get ur shit together.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010):

I find this really interesting that everyone equates this only to men. Anyway i am a Man (gay man) and my partner sneaks around and watches porn, wakes up early and downloads it and hides it, deletes the history, does it whilst i am on the toilet!

Now i hate it, i think its foul, i have watched it in the past but since being with my partner i am not interested as i have an actual person to be with. I feel pretty bad when i find out he has been doing this 1. cos i dont like porn and 2. the sneaking around bit

now my partners sex drive is low, isn't really into sex all too much but when we do its good, so i dont understand why he looks at it? He does nothing whilst looking at it (masturbation) just looks at it, its very weird to be honest. It is annoying me and upsetting me and i dont know what to do, do i let him do it or do i leave or do i set boundries?

Also to be honest some of the replies on here are way over the top, your life isn't over cos your boyfriend looks at porn, nor i do think your ugly or unworthy. I also dont think porn is Unhealthy just not good when in a relationship..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010):

This is so depressing..I can't believe how many of us are in the EXACT same situation! I really thought I was crazy and then I found this and holy crap..

Its not normal I really don't think it is and I've just ignored it for so long! Before I got together with my now boyfriend, I always knew he watched porn-our mutual friends would even joke about it so I always knew he watched it and I basically accepted it.

We moved in together almost a year ago and it started bugging me a little. But lately its been driving me crazy. I work full time and he's still at uni so he has plenty of time in the flat himself and I know he does it every morning when I get up and go to work. I can't stand it anymore. I trust him less, I feel like he's constantly looking at other girls and it makes me hate him and worse, hate myself so bad. I feel like I'm not good enough. I was the first girl he had sex with so I understand why he watched it before but now?

We don't talk about it we just accept its the way it is and I HATE that.

I don't know what to do.

I still can't believe so many of us r in this situation..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010):

I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years and after 6 months of us being together I found out he was watching porn. He of course denied it for awhile but then came clean. This upset me very much because it made me feel as if I wasn't enough. Also I felt that we've only been together for 6 months and our sex life should have still been exciting for him. He said he was sorry and that he would never do it again. I wanted to believe him but there was a part of me that didn't.

Throughout the years our sex life wasn't that great. He would only want to have sex once a week or so. Even when I would try to seduce him he wouldn't get hard.

This was so painful to me. I lost so much self esteem and kept thinking I was ugly or something.

I'm 5'3 and 105 lbs., I've always considered myself to be attractive until now. I would ask him why he would have a problem getting an erection but he would blame it on being tired or anything else.

About a week ago it happened again, he lost his erection. So I was upset and asked him if he was watching porn and he said no and that he has no need to look at those women when he has such a beautiful girlfriend. I had my doubts but I tried to believe him. Then I decided to look at his history on his computer and I couldn't believe it! There was so much porn! I confronted him and he of course tried to deny it, but then came clean. I was so upset!!!!!!!

How could you make the same mistake twice? Why would someone lie not once but twice? I've lost complete trust in him. I thought about leaving him but many of the people I know told me that I was overreacting. We're still together right now but I'm really having a hard time being able to trust him and to have sex with someone that obviously prefers porn.

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do but I did tell him that if he feels that porn is so important that he's willing to ruin our sex life he needs to leave. He's telling me that he will never do it again but how the hell does he expect for me to believe him or trust him?

Now I'm worse than I was before, I think he's staring at all the girls in a perverted way, at stores, at work, on television everywhere!

He's making me feel so ugly and I'm so depressed. Why would someone make someone that they supposedly love go through this? Why can't they just go and find a girl that's okay with this. I just hate how I'm feeling and I'm not sure if I should stay with him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010):

i thinks porn is normal, i watch porn with my boyfriend all the time! Whats the big deal??

You dont like it because your not comfortable with it and you envy it because your not involved, get him to put some porn on and give him a blow job! Im sure he will see it feels better and enjoy the porn at the same time, plus you will be happier at the end of it and no arguements. YAY! everyones a winner :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010):

Why don't you ask him to watch porn WITH you?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010):

I also have a huge problem with this. My boyfriend just seems totally ignorant about just how much it hurts me, despite the numerous arguements we have had about it (so believe me he KNOWS). He is a fantastic guy in many other ways and I love him, but of late I'm starting to feel a tinge of hatred towards him everytime I catch him out. He tells me I'm the one with the problem and I pretty much just need to get the hell over it. I've told him SOOO many times I just don't want to see it or find out but he is so sloppy at 'tidying up after himself' I always find things like 'pornstar punishment' saved in search bars or left undeleted in web history.(he watches it on my computer too!) It makes me feel like he leaves little traces of it to get to me. Its probably not intentional but it feels tht way sometimes. I always 'get over it' I always end up apologizing for 'overeacting' when I don't really see why the heck I should be the one apologizing.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010):

Well I am a 28 year old man, I've looked at porn in the past, at times i've been single, but I would never dream of looking at, or imagining anyone other than my girlfriend. If she's not around I look at a cute picture of her of even just think about her, cause she's all I need. She's real, she has a beautiful body, and I would much rather think about that than look at a trashy picture of an over exaggerated woman. That's not normal, men seem to think it is, which is sad. I feel sorry for the women that feel they have to put up with this. If I found my girlfriend looking at pictures of glorified men i'd feel horrible. Maybe if your man's looking at this stuff you should search for images of big muscle men and accidently leave them in the web history, see what he has to say.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010):

I will say again, real men don't need porn, and if I need to masturbate my wife's not around I imagine HER. If you have to imagine 'someone else' you ought to question why it is you need to do that and why you think it's okay? I know for fact I wouldn't look at porn if it was as big as it is now when I was growing up, I think it's discusting, but you young folk know no better, it's rather sad.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010):

Most of the people who have responded to this question are referring to young men in the region of 18-30. You're going to have to accept that men of this age bracket usually have a very high sex drive.

Listen, if your boyfriend doesn't watch porn, then he's probably going to masturbate occasionally whilst imagining someone else. So where's the difference in this and watching porn? Other than 1 is hella better than the other.

Poster below talks about "real men". It sounds like you're stuck in the old school way of thinking. Times change and I'm sure if porn was so readily available to you when you were a young man, you would do just what the rest of us do.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010):

I am a man, of 46 years of age. I agree with some of the posts here. When I was young and growing up, if a man looked at porn whilst in a relationship, it was definatly something that would be frowned upon, and it would indeed be unacceptable. Seems this younger generation really do think it's normal and okay to treat their women like this. This saddens me. There is absolutly no reason for this, not every man needs an image of a silicone woman to wank off to, only the weak ones. I can quite easily picture my beautiful wife and go about my buissness. So don't listen to the men that tell you it's norman and you're being silly, you're absolutly not. Porn is for the weak men, real men don't need it, so sad that there aren't many real men left nowadays. I guess that's why a lot of younger women date older men.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010):

Adding to what I've just posted below. So many of you are breaking up over this? This is insane.

You've just ruined a relationship over nothing. When you find your next boyfriend and then find again that he also watches porn, you're going to be pretty mad that you ended what was a good long relationship.

Your boyfriends probably also feel like they have problems with porn when what's happening here is completely normal... just a few girls overreacting about something they don't understand.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010):

This is ridiculous. After reading a load of these posts I've realised why it's taken me so long to find the perfect partner. Almost all of these responses are ignorant on another level. You have no idea what it's like being a man and how men biologically NEED to be sexually relieved on a very regular basis.

The only men who regularly go without watching porn/masturbating for a week will most likely have a psychological problem such as depression. If your boyfriend tells you he doesn't watch porn then he's almost certainly lying.

Basically, it's completely normal for a man to watch porn daily (given how easy it is to get hold of for free) and if he claims he doesn't or tells you he's given it up, you're burying your head in the sand.

Girls, you need to be more realistic.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010):

I have just broken up with my boyfriend over this. For a whole two years I stupidly believed that he didn't look at porn, he infact told me that he thought it was terrible in relationships and how wrong it was to objectify women. You imagine my horror when he accidently forgot to delete his web history one night. Numerous images of massive breasted women, extreme graphic, insestious comic porn, some of it was so discusting I was physically sick when I got home. He begged for me back and sworn he'll never look at that again, but I won't even give a second chance! If you don't respect yourself, people don't respect you. I know some people here are saying that we 'girls' are being silly, but I don't think people see the bigger picture to porn in relationships. This is the reason women feel they have to undergo breast enlargement, or starve themselves to live up to this fantasy body. I totaly understand that when your man's alone he may get sexually frustrated and need an image to look at to do his buisness, but it's the kind of things they have to look at that upsets me and makes me feel ugly. I wouldn't mind half as much if i'd found images of women with an average body, like my own, rather than super skinny massive tit women. If your man respects you and loves your body, he shouldn't be looking at pictures of 'glorified' women, and that's what really gets to me. Don't listen to anyone that tells you youre being silly, because you definatly are not. It's men of our generation that think it's acceptable to look at porn, the internet hasn't been around for that long and it is only because of the internet it's that easy for men to look at filth.

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A female reader, Weramazing United Kingdom +, writes (17 February 2010):

Weramazing agony auntWell girls! Firstly isn't it really sad that so many guys are doing this crap? I have been through this to my boyfriend admitted around a year ago that he watched porn I was so upset and angry not only did I lose my trust for him but I lost my confidence to. I have always been confident with both my looks and who I am as a person but he totally messed that up. It got so bad that even when we would go yo the shop I would think he was looking at other girls and we would argue.

He promised me he would never do it again. I'm not sure if he has I sometimes chech his history or most viewed on his computer without him knowing but I have never found anything. My trust is slowly coming back but if I didn't think it was I would have left as being with someone you trust is crap! However I also know that people make mistakes some mistakes are unforgivable and some need time to forgive and I think this is one of those things. However if he ever done it again I would leave in a second the fact that he knows how much he hurt me and was still prepared to do it again just says it all to me.

The seems like such a common problem isn't it fuc##d up that these guys look at these women who have no self respect or morals and get sexually attracted over them? I think that is another reason it is so insulting as we are nothing like them.

I am a beautiful person and I wouldn't change a thing about myself I am honestly happy with everything if any man I am with isn't then we are not meant to be.

Remember girls a guy will only treat you the way you let him treat you if you speak to him and he still does it then Its time to leave he will never treat u any differently. sometimes it takes for you to leave and for them to lose you to change.

We are all amazing and beautiful. Remember even the most beautiful women in the world can get cheated on your looks can draw a man in but your attitude, self respect, dignity and personality is what will keep you with him in a good happy relationship.

Good luck girls. Also girls who are having many probls in there relationship may want to read why men love bitches and he's just not that into you the original book as they are amazing, funny and will give you that push you might need.

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A female reader, hoplessromantic3 United States +, writes (1 February 2010):

Girls girls girls. i can't even begin to explain how ALL of your posts relate to me. im so tired of my boyfriend doing this. however he can never give me a legit reason why. it makes me feel so degraded, and disrespected. Why does he feel the need to look at naked girls when he has the real thing right in front of him!? im just about tired of it. i dont care what anyone else says, my feelings are what matter most and dont let anybody tell you you're overreacting, cause your not. guys just use that as an excuse to get into your head and make you feel bad. Stand up to him and if he still wont stop, you let him know you're serious by breaking up. it'll open his eyes completely. and if he doesnt stop still, youre just too good for him. and also, why do porn stars do with they do!? do they not have any class and enjoy ruining peoples relationship?! its ridiculous..

stay strong girls!

xoxo

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010):

Engaged woman in a 4-year relationship here

Jesus, you girls (and I do mean GIRLS, not WOMEN, because that is exactly what you're acting like) have no idea how an actual, functioning relationship works do you?

A man's sex drive is biologically more active than a woman's... a pure, simple, and easy to understand fact that you all seem to want to ignore. If a man becomes sexually aroused and does NOT achieve release soon thereafter (probably within an hour or so) he starts to suffer from Vasocongestion (more commonly referred to as "Blue Balls"). Google it and educate yourselves.

Do any of you honestly think that he loves you any less because he grants himself some biological stress relief? Would you prefer that he asked you to come give him a handjob without reciprocating 2-3 times a day? There is nothing wrong with masturbation, male or female, and images of sexual acts only help the process along. This doesn't mean he finds any fault with you or that he holds you in any less regard.

The fact of the matter is that, if he is dating you, living with you, maybe even MARRIED to you, then he has already chosen you above all others of your gender. How is that not enough for you? Quit repeating the same ridiculous garbage over and over and come to terms with the fact that you can't control his every thought and that trust is a two-way street.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010):

I have sex with my boyfriend almost every day, whenever he wants to, I'm OK with it! But I was on his computer while he was eating and I went back to find something in the history that I accidentally xed out. I found a lot of porn. The worst part is that he wont even admit that he watches porn. I didn't mention that I saw it on his computer because I don't want to come off as an obsessive stalker girlfriend. But when I ask him if he does he says never. I don't like being lied to and I also don't like when he watches porn....I feel like I don't satisfy him enough..but I feel like I do. Maybe he's just really horny or something. I don't know. But I don't like it, and I wish he'd stop.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010):

I'm in the same situation. I moved in with my BF recently. Before we moved in together, I told him how much it hurt and disgusted me that he had porno pics n vids saved all over his computer. Hundreds and hundreds of files. It makes me feel rather worthless and disrespected, because he told me they didn't mean anything to him and that he'd rid of them straight away because I'm important to him. Well, they just keep getting put back on his computer. I let him take pics of us having sex, do everything I can to please him, he even told me once I was the best he ever had. We have a really solid relationship, but it always comes back around to him disrespecting me. When I ask him to stop looking at it, I'm the bad guy because "i should accept him as he is and stop trying to change him or find someone else". I don't want anyone else. I don't think EVER about being with other men. So I don't understand why he needs to look and get off with other women. It makes me feel gross. I wonder what's wrong with me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010):

okay girls so this is what's going down.

We are all BEAUTIFUL and ATTRACTIVE women.

And I read all these stories and it's some pattern.

We ALL get made feel worthless by the man we care about the most .

If a gut really loved us he would never even dream about looking at someone else.

My boyfriend(now ex) gave me the same excuse " all men do this, it's normal"

NO.

Not all men do this. All boys do this. It is NOT okay just because the majority of guys do it. All that means is the majority of guys are no good.

Good men come in few, so come on ladies we need to stop wasting our time with someone who makes us feel this way.

We are each more than enough to please some lucky man out there, all we have to do is snag him.

Good luck to you all, I hope I helped someone at least a little.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010):

so a few months ago my boyfriend of 2 years confessed to me that he actively watches porn,

And it REALLY hurt me, I feel like I was cheated on.

I'm aware that it isn't a big deal to a lot if people, but personally I think sex and love go side by side.

And the fact that he gets off on these girls that he doesn't know , that aren't me.... Really truly sickens me.

So I explained how I felt and he apologized and looked into my eyes and promised that he wouldn't do it ever again.

Well just recently he confessed that he started watching it again.

And I feel sick to my stomach.

I get images of him typing those things into his computer and touching himself to them ,

As if I'm not enough.

He got down on his knees and cried and begged and apologized,

He said he doesn't need it or want it, that he just got and urge and that he doesn't know what came over him.

And I asked him what goes through his head when he watches it,

And he says absolutely nothing, it just feels good.

But I still feel sick inside,

I can't get over this I want to cry 24/7,

I don't know where to go from here.

Good luck to you all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009):

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years, we met freshman year in high school and now we are in college and living together, we have been living together now for a little over 2 years. Within 6 months of living together I found tons of porn sites saved on my laptop.. and I have walked in on him masturbating while looking at porn 3 times (he thought I was asleep) If I can catch him watching it 3 times while I am at home, God only knows how many times he has watched it while I am gone, so.. I started finding ways to save the web history on our computer even after the history has been deleted... after about 2 months of monitoring the web history, I found that he accessed multiple porn sites daily. And I confronted him about the issue and he said "all guys do this". Well the truth is that NO, not all guys do that, and NO.. its not okay and normal, society has just come to accept it but that does not mean that you have to accept it. For the women out there that put 100% of everything they've got into a relationship.. you don't deserve that and I feel for you. After two years of this going on in my relationship I felt so horrible about myself, I always tend to over-think these kind of things and I couldn't help but obsess over why I wasn't good enough for him? or why am I not pretty or sexy enough for him? I used to send him naughty pictures and I "dress up" for him about once or more a week and its still never enough.. after thinking about this for quite some time now I have come to realize that we put too much thinking into how our boyfriends or husbands porn watching habits reflect on our own self-image. I honestly think that the only way to stop the massive availability/viewing of porn is to show that it is not acceptable in society, and to all of those women who choose not to say anything to their boyfriends or husbands regardless of how you feel about it as a woman.. SAY something.. let them know how it makes you feel. After all is is OUR boyfriends/husbands that are paying for this crap and keeping the porn industries in business.

Please don't ever let porn make you feel like you are not beautiful or sexy enough.. I know how it feels and it is a really horrible feeling. Just to let you all know if you didn't know already.. porn is completely FAKE, fake boobs, fake hair, make-up, maybe if men knew that the girls in porn are only having that fake orgasm just to get that 40 bucks he just wasted on it.. they might be less likely to buy it.

here are some pictures to show you just how "sexy" photo-shop can make a girl look:

http://i469.photobucket.com/albums/rr58/Leah8746/airbrushed.jpg

http://i469.photobucket.com/albums/rr58/Leah8746/imagesbefore-20and-20after.jpg

http://i469.photobucket.com/albums/rr58/Leah8746/madonna-photoshopped.jpg

http://i469.photobucket.com/albums/rr58/Leah8746/photoshop-lessons.jpg

http://i469.photobucket.com/albums/rr58/Leah8746/photoshop-makeup1.jpg

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009):

Hello,

I can't believe so many women are experiencing what I am living with my boyfriend. I will probably sound like i'm exagerating to some with my story, but my feelings are really true and hurting so bad for the past 2 days.

I have been in this relationship for 1 year and a half, and he was my ''first''. We have been seing each other everyday for the past year and a half, and are VERY sexually active. It happens rarely that we spend a day without having some sexual intercourse, maybe once every two or three weeks. I would have never imagined that he watches porn more than once every 6 months because I am doing SO much to please him, it's ridiculous. When we have sex, it's ALL about him and HIS pleasure (blowjobs, handjobs, massages, etc.). I can't even remember the last time he gave me oral pleasure or even touched my sex for more than a few seconds, whereas I can spend an hour rubbing or licking his sex and just enjoy looking at him having pleasure.

Also, I think it's important I mention that I am a very attractive girl. I'm a model working for an agency and I am ''known'' for being a very hot and beautiful girl. This is not to brag, but just to put you into context. I'm 5 foot 10 and I have a beautiful and sexy figure, nice breasts, long legs and nice butt.

Anyway, two days ago I was on his computer searching the web and as I was typing an adress, one of the links that appeared was youporn.com. I was chocked just to see that this single link could appear in his history. So I checked his history, and I saw that there were about 370 links to youporn.com videos. I immediately felt distroyed. I cried for 3 hours in the bedroom, I couldn't believe it and it hurted so much. When I came out, I asked him how come there were so many links to porn videos and he just ignored me and said I had no right to search his computer and that I don't respect his intimacy.

I continued asking and begging for answers but he just kept telling me he watches it maybe once a month, when I have my periods or when there's a day where we can't have sex. I don't know if that's true, and I cannot know because there's no way of knowing if he watched one video each day for a year or 10 videos each day, but anyway, it's probably more than once a month... and just admitting this is so painful for me.

I used to watch porn when I was younger when I had NO sexual life whatsoever. But since I am with him, I rarely thought about watching porn and when I did, I felt guilty just for thinking about it because he always made me feel weird about myself for being young and watching porn.

I really think that I should have been the one watching all this porn at home because he never gave me as much pleasure as I did to him. He will never understand that because he is incapable of putting himself in my position.

It was such a chock for me and I don't think I can get over it. I've been feeling depressed for the past few days and I have my final exams tomorrow, I just don't know what to do, who to talk to...I feel like crying every single second of the day and I'm somehow still waiting for him to come and begg for apology.

Everytime I try to talk to him about it, he gets nervous and tries to change subject by telling me I'm just crazy. I just feel like bursting into tears and ripping all of our pictures and memories together. It's as if he cheated on me. He made me think I was the most sexy and attractive thing and that he was fulfilled by our sexual life because it is every-single-day and there he goes watching porn in my back KNOWING THAT IT WOULD HURT ME SO BAD. And I know he knows it because he knows me. THEY know us, they know what would hurt us and what wouldn't.

I'm a pretty jealous and possessive girl, and he is too, sometimes even more than I am, and let me tell you, if he found 370 links of youporn on my computer, he would probably think of breaking up with me or beat me or torture me during months and months.

I feel betrayed, I feel heartbroken, I feel like not ever giving him any sexual pleasure, I feel like being the most pretty I can be and make him feel dead-jealous and make him suffer all that I am suffering now.

Today I was at his place and feeling SO insecure about myself around him. I dressed really nice and put makeup and shaved my sex and wore very sexy underwear, and in the middle of a conversation he told me he is more attracted to me when I'm thinner. I'm already a thin girl, but i've taken about 7-10 pounds since i'm with him, something even my best friends can't notice or even my mom because i'm so tall. But somehow he finds the right to comment on my weight and physical appearance, when he took about 30 POUNDS SINCE I'M WITH HIM AND HE JUST DOESNT LOOK LIKE THE SAME PERSON I WENT OUT WITH A YEAR AND A HALF AGO and I would never dare talk to him about his weight and my sexual attraction towards him. That's just sick and shallow and wrong. I'm so insulted and I just feel like I deserve SO much better but I'm mad he doesnt realise it by himself.

I'm not stupid, I know porn is just an easy way to get a quick masturbation (I used to watch porn a lot in my adolescence), but knowing what it is, I know that I personnally can't accept that my boyfriend watches it. It's not like I live in another country or that we don't have a lot of sex. We're ALWAYS having sex it's practically animalistic.

And i've always been so happy about our sexual life, it's like the only thing that saved our relationship when it was down and that kept me close to him. But now I just dont know if my sex life with him will ever be the same. I don't have the same respect I used to for him. When I look him in the eyes I feel like i'm looking at someone I don't really know and someone who is capable of lying to me and hurting my feelings.

I don't know what to do now...I don't know who to talk to and who will give me the right advice.

He wrote me an e-mail saying he's sorry he hurt me and he didn't know it would hurt me so mcuh, and that he promises he won't watch any porn again, but i feel like the damage is already done and i don't know if i can trust him again the way i did.

when he says he didn't know it would hurt me so bad, i just CAN'T believe. I just can't.

I also know that i would never have given a damn shit about all of this if I wasnt so IN LOVE with this guy. But i am, i am litterally obsessed and now i feel like my dreams and illusions have been crushed.

he disrespected me in so many ways by doing this and i can't find the energy to forgive him if he doesnt put the efforts in trying to make me forgive him. Its just not going to happen by itself, it's too grave for me to just forgive him all by myself.

Help me........

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009):

Finally! A place where I don't feel like I'm being called an insecure misunderstanding woman! I'm so happy I've come across this page, I was about to lose hope that any women in the world still stood up for themselves. I have had the same problem with my boyfriend of 3+ years. The first time I found out he was watching porn (after he told me he wouldn't), I was ready to leave him for good. He cried and apologized, but here I am less than a year later and I've already found it on his history. I know it's not old because I looked up the video on my computer and found it was posted only a few weeks ago.

Honestly, for the women who have boyfriends who have made it clear your feeling about this subject mean nothing to them, I would find yourselves a new guy (or at least get rid of the old one). If you aren't more important than their "pleasures" than they can be left with them. I would say if it's the first time, give them another chance to show they can be loyal to you.

Obviously in my case, the crying wasn't sincere enough...so here it goes...

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A female reader, dreadgirl Australia +, writes (16 November 2009):

I've been reading site after site in search of answers and help. Its really sad to know im not the only one, although it does ease the loneliness i feel a fraction. basically everyone's writing the same things, that men generally lie or keep it a secret, that it's normal, that all men do it, that it's nothing to be worried about because it's only visual... and in response women just write to watch it with him and give in to whatever makes him happy (ie forget about yourselves and your feelings, they're wrong and do not matter).

What a load of crap.

As a 25 year old woman with a boyfriend of 5 years whom i live with, I can always tell when he's been watching it, there's this "air" to him that's different, that I don't like, that is 'greasy'.

When i confronted him about the loads of porn sites i'd find in his history of the computer he admitted it straight away and explained that it was because i just 'wasn't doing it for him anymore'. i've put on weight in the last few years and have so many insecurities in the bedroom its really no wonder he isnt attracted to me anymore. Yet when I find he's spent his day off while ive been at work or when i've gone to bed perusing the internets fields of xxx girls, i feel sick, heartbroken, like he's cheated on me all afternoon.

He said once he'd stop watching it if i lost lots of weight and started being more confident in the bedroom, but to be honest i think i subconsciously put on more weight just to punish him when i find he's been at it again. its like a vicious cycle. he says he just isnt one of those guys that has a massive sex-drive, yet here he is doing it with a screen. maybe if he did less with the screen and more with his woman who's feeling worthless in the next room he might have more of a sex drive.

If i'm perfectly honest I'd like to make mention that he isn't the most exciting thing himself anymore. he's put on weight, hardly ever initiates sex anymore, never compliments me and i honestly cannot remember the last time he spent time pleasuring me.

So, why aren't I the one getting my rocks off with strangers??? Because I believe anything that breaks the other partner down and destroys their self esteem, that ruins a relationship, obliterates trust, leaves the woman feeling worthless, unattractive, unloved, unable to satisfy, cheated on, and less of a woman is NOT a healthy "normal" habit and women should NOT just take it. we matter. if only they knew that.

bloody hell, men suck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009):

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We dont live together, and about 6 months ago I finally moved out of my parents house. I would think that by me moving out, he wouldnt watch porn since we can have sex whenever we wanted to. But just last night, I checked his computer, and there is alot of movies that he has on his comp. It makes me feel so disgusting. I went home and cryed because I feel as though Im not good enough. I have my own place, we have sex on the weekends but thats it. I am so bothered, and I dont know what to do. When I would live at my parents, i would cry all the time because I knew he was watching porn. I think my boyfriend has good qualitys but in him, but I still cannot get over the fact that he does this. I understand if hes horny and needs something to get him hard, but I have my own place, and doesnt ask me during the week to come over or anything. I am so confused, and I do love him very much but I know as time goes by this wont go away. I have discussed this issue in the past, but he got really defensive, and said i shouldnt be looking in his comp. We got into a really huge fight. I havent brought it to his attention yet, but I erased all the porn on his computer. I dont know how to discuss it again with him. Its like he likes it and its a part of him, and he doesnt care. He told me that he will watch it, and then he doesnt think about the girl again. Im so sick of this issue. I want it to go away, but I know it wont unless I bring it up again with him. I want to break up with him, but somehow it seems every guy watches porn. SO WTF!!! Am I going to have this problem forever with any guy I meet or what? All I have to say is that I understand guys like porn, but there should be more sex than porn in the relationship. And in mine I dont think thats the case....:(

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009):

I have been with my partner for 4 years and I have the same problem. It almost feels like he is addicted to watching porn and it deeply upsets me, especially as he doesnt even have sex with me!! almost like hes cheating on me! I have 'banned' it from my house because it upsets me so much yet he still sneaks it in! I have stopped him watching it on MY computer as I find that quite offensive that he uses my things to get his 'end away'. I have found it hidden in places which he eventually threw away, well threw 3 dvds away, i knew there were 4 so made him fess up the last 1! he also uses the net on his phone to watch it and even had it saved in bookmarks!! he then calls me nosy and tells me its his phone he can do what he wants with it!! I have also found lube, condoms and c*** ring, none purchased by me? should i be concerned by this? it was hidden beneath his bedside cabinet. this is really stressing our relationship and i feel like i cant trust him. I feel like he doesnt find me sexually attractive anymore especially as i have just had a baby!! what can i do? he doesnt listen to me and thinks im being harsh!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009):

OK. So I looked up this topic tonight because it is the THIRD time this has become a big issue with my boyfriend and I. Reading some of these posts I felt like you all were reading my mind. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years today. Yes, today is our 2 year anniversary. I'd found his porn on my computer before and we've talked about it many times. It made me feel disgusted and disgusting. I know that guys watch porn or whatever, but I also kind of feel like that's a cop out. What made it worse was when I asked him about it and he told me that he thinks its wrong to watch porn. I was expecting him to tell me "it's what guys do." But the fact that he felt like it was wrong and could still do it, makes me wander what else he knows is wrong and will do. So of course, he's promised me a few times that he won't do it anymore and there've been a few occasions now where I've found him straight up lying about it. It's erie, I have some sort of internal radar and so far every time I've gotten the feeling he's been looking up porn I've been right. Funny thing is though this time I was FINALLY trusting him again (my mistake), and while typing in "capital grill" (one of the many places I'd planned for us to go for our anniversary) the dropdown menu said "camelclips.com." Of course when I accused him of it he denied it but then finally fessed up. I'm getting so used to him lying its like I almost don't care anymore. Does that mean its time to call it quits? Fuck. All girls out there going through this, I'm totally clueless and I hope it goes better for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009):

Well, I have all of the same feelings as you have. But yet there is still that nagging feeling I have, wondering if by getting angry about my boyfriends porn addiction, (is three times a day an addiction?) I'm just being a controlling girlfriend. But really, when you think about, it's no different than your guy checking out a girl on the street. It's just done over the internet. Why is one more acceptable than the other? They both involve the person you love, having thoughts only about you. I should be the one to turn my boyfriend on! Not some random person who posted an amateur porn video on the internet.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009):

My boyfriend watches porn and when I found videos on his phone he lied about it. Then addmitted he did it and that it was normal for men. Yes. Normal for single men and 15 year old boys. Not normal for someone who is in a happy stable relationship or so I thought. This hasn't been the only time. I keep finding videos. He promises me that he only does it once every couple of weeks. But I feel so ugly and degraded knowing he watches these attractive women expertly have sex. It makes me feel sick and unworthy. I'm not unattractive. But I just never feel good enough now. I never feel like I look nice and I'm so self concious during sex I just hate it now.

Asking him to stop wont do anything because I know he wont. We just have to accept it ladies. And if that means moving on and finding a new man then let it be.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009):

so after reading all the other posts on here i think it would almost be repetative to repeat the same things. but it is nice to know i am not the only one. it's hard to be with a man who watches and lies about porn. especially after he promised not to... and he says he loves me, guess he loves porn more. he thinks i don't know that he can go to those sites in a secure way that doesn't store the history. which makes it more shady. i don't know how to handle it. i think its nasty to beat off to people you don't even know. but also it makes me feel unatractive. we haven't been together for a while, its few and far between. and it's not that i am not interested. then when we do, remember his little addiction and don't even want to. and the fact that he lies makes it so much worse. if you don't intend on stopping, then don't. but don't lie. ugh. is this it for us? how do you move on with this in the middle of a relationship?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009):

My boyfriend of nearly two years is not a rabid porn watcher, but a porn watcher none the less. Neither is what he watches composed of people actually having sex, but instead just naked pictures and people walking about in high heeled shoes. It makes me feel ugly, unwanted and worthless all the same. It has a tremendous effect on our sex life - if you can call it that. We're more like friends who share a bed.

The thing is, I AM the 18 year old blonde with the massive tits. I have an incredibly high sex drive (to my detriment). But I still know I'm not what he wants. His porn is all pictures of naked FAT WOMEN and MEN in stilettoes. I'm not into all that "fetish" crap and he knows it, I find it all terribly boring. I've offered to meet him half way - I don't mind wearing a load of stupid sh*t as long as he buys it, but he won't do this.

He says he loves me, and that "its not all about physical attraction", but the point is that may be the case, but it involves it, at least in part. He'd much rather whack off to some fat chick in thigh high boots than have sex with me.

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A female reader, melanie0083 United States +, writes (9 September 2009):

melanie0083 agony aunti found out my boyfriend of 2 years watches porn but didn't let him know i knew for a while. I Just spied on what turns him on and what he likes to watch to get to know him better. (when it comes to his fantasy, he likes to keep it a secret, even from me) It did bother me a little, but I felt as though I was being in "control" as long as I could "spy" on him. And it did help, until one day I asked him when was the last time he masturbated, and he lied. I don't like lies and am all about honesty. So we fought about it, and I let him know that I have known he watches porn. He denied EVERYTHING which frustrated me even more cuz he couldn't be honest. When I did let him know, I made it obvious that I wasn't angry about it and that I didn't care if he did, as long as he never cheats on me, and he is 100% honest about it. It took him 3 days of fighting for him to come clean. when I asked why he lied about it, he said he was embarrassed about it and it wasn't something he wanted me knowing cuz he didn't know how I'd react.(which I do believe) I always know when he lies cuz he actually gets angry as a defense mechanism.

Now that he has been honest about it with me, it was a big relief and I feel as though I can TRUST him again. I even decided to be apart of his "porno fantasy" and engaging on him while he watches porn. and OMG does he ever like that! and I enjoy it as well, Its rather satisfying knowing that hes watching, but I'm actually the one getting him off. When I'm doing it, I don't feel an unease about it or worried hes into the "other" girls more than me. But letting him watch porn is something that both of you has to be okay with. And you have to let go of the "insecurities". Ever since, I feel as though he has become even MORE sexually attracted to me and I cant keep him off me. Hes more "open" sexually with me and that's what I wanted, and it makes a difference in having insecurities. So I guess what I'm saying is, If you cant beat em, join em! LOL (but seriously, it worked with me)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009):

i found out my boyfriend of 2 years watches porn but didn't let him know i knew for a while. I Just spied on what turns him on and what he likes to watch to get to know him better. (when it comes to his fantasy, he likes to keep it a secret, even from me) It did bother me a little, but I felt as though I was being in "control" as long as I could "spy" on him. And it did help, until one day I asked him when was the last time he masturbated, and he lied. I don't like lies and am all about honesty. So we fought about it, and I let him know that I have known he watches porn. He denied EVERYTHING which frustrated me even more cuz he couldn't be honest. When I did let him know, I made it obvious that I wasn't angry about it and that I didn't care if he did, as long as he never cheats on me, and he is 100% honest about it. It took him 3 days of fighting for him to come clean. when I asked why he lied about it, he said he was embarrassed about it and it wasn't something he wanted me knowing cuz he didn't know how I'd react.(which I do believe) I always know when he lies cuz he actually gets angry as a defense mechanism.

Now that he has been honest about it with me, it was a big relief and I feel as though I can TRUST him again. I even decided to be apart of his "porno fantasy" and engaging on him while he watches porn. and OMG does he ever like that! and I enjoy it as well, Its rather satisfying knowing that hes watching, but I'm actually the one getting him off. When I'm doing it, I don't feel an unease about it or worried hes into the "other" girls more than me. But letting him watch porn is something that both of you has to be okay with. And you have to let go of the "insecurities". Ever since, I feel as though he has become even MORE sexually attracted to me and I cant keep him off me. Hes more "open" sexually with me and that's what I wanted, and it makes a difference in having insecurities. So I guess what I'm saying is, If you cant beat em, join em! LOL (but seriously, it worked with me)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009):

I am in so much pain about this. Just to let you ladies know, I was a stripper for 6 years. I have been with my boyfriend for one year now and it bothers ME when he watches porn. Just to let you know, I installed a secret spy software in my desktop computer so that while I'm a way (I travel quite a bit for a my new job) I get email alerts every hour about what websites he goes to. I was so shocked to see the amount of porn he watches. It is devastating me. He even watched it once while I was taking a shower (I saw that in the secret emails I get) although he knew I wanted to make love when I came out.

I am a very attractive girl. However, this makes me feel like a fool and extremely awful. When I've asked him whether or not he watches porn while I'm away, he's lied and told me no.

My email alerts tell me otherwise.

I ESPECIALLY hate it when men say "it's normal". It's NOT normal.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I just wanna leave him to be honest. But, I feel like most men/boys are gonna be this way these days --- and that doesn't give me any hope.

Just know that you're not alone.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009):

well girls..what can i say??? Ive just read all the replys and i,m now sat here in floods of tears..I have all those same feelings as you do..i,ve been with my fella a year, i love him so much and know i,ll never want anyone else, but right from the start there has always been other women..chat sites,porn, photos of naked girls on his phone..i can honestly say i,ve finally got to the point where i don,t think i can take much more..i,d like to talk about it and sort it out but he gets so angry about it.. i need some reassurance but he says its getting boring and i need to let it go..he says he loves me and sometimes i believe him but i,m so unhappy and fed up of feeling lonely and living a life of worry when i,m not at home,checking his phone and computer at every oppotunity and now its got to the point where i feel sick when he touches me cause i know he,d rather be looking at them..i just feel like i,m here for the general stuff of living together and all i wanted was to be his everything..just feel like i have to share him with the whole female race.. will this ever get better?? good luck to you all..x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009):

Yea me too, I just can't delete with it. I'm a great looking girl and all, but I just hate seeing that stuff on his computer. It makes me feel disgusted and like he will only take what he can get, that he's only with me because he thinks I'm "hot" - as I guess these girls on the sites are - and he's even made stupid comments in the past like, you're so beautiful, I'm picky when I watch porn now. What the fuck? So he's comparing me to the girls on these sites. I'm so done, It's over I've been with my bf for a year and I literally called it quits over an accumulation of these events. If your watching porn I don't want to know about it!

I'm the extreme here because I ended the relationship over it, but I'm that type of person. I let it go for a bit, then the comments and events add up.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009):

Heyy

I have this problem too. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now and i have always known he watches porn but recently it has started bothering me. I confronted him about it but he just tried to assure me that when he watches it he thinks of me and him doing the same things as the characters are doing. I don't believe that because whenever he sees a 'hot' woman in the newspaper or on tv with her breasts out or wearing practically nothing he always says 'damn' and just stares at her. This really upsets me because i feel as if i'm not good enough for him and i have told him this but he still continues doing it.

We have a healthy sex life together and porn doesn't affect it but he always tells me what he watched in the porn videos and says why can't you do that? or why can't you be more like that?

I don't know if i'm just being paranoid but i think he's only with me because he would rather have something than nothing. I always have a feeling he will leave me for a girl that is better looking or has bigger breats than me.

I deleted all the porn off his computer and he didn't seem to mind but he just joked at said i'll download more and hide it but i don't know whether he was being serious or not. Why do men feel the need to watch porn?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009):

Hey,

So i finally decided to try to find a site like this because ever since I've found out my boyfriend watched or probably still watches porn, its been making me crazy. I'm so glad to see that many others are having the same problem i am, because for a while i thought, "maybe its just me, and I'm over reacting?" but i guess not. :) When i found out my boyfriend of now 11 months was watching porn, i was devastated. At first i did not address him about the problem, however, as it continued to grow in my mind, i confronted him about it. He said how it was normal, and that all guys do it. To me, that was no excuse. I totally understand when a single guy watches it, obviously, but i don't see where its necessary when you have a girlfriend, who your sexually active with. It makes me feel not good enough, and also whenever we do anything sexual, i feel like i suck considering the fact that he's so used to watching "professionals" do it. With me here, TRYING to please him, i don't see where he has to go watch some other couple doing stuff. Also what bugs me the most is knowing he's watching some other naked girl getting railed, who he's obviously going to find attractive (in most cases, porn stars are?) Considering he's seeing these "hot young girls", i then compare myself to them. I guess i could say I'm not unattractive, I'm healthy, good build, whatever, and i know he thinks I'm beautiful, as he says, but still, i do not want him watching it. As of now i do not know if he watches it, but i can almost guarantee that he does, which sucks. Its constantly on my mind and I'm sick of it, just makes me feel so low. But i guess until i find out for sure if he's still watching it, all i can do is wonder.

ITS ALL US GIRLS TOGETHER, stupid boys!!!! lol =]

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009):

I know this question is about 4 years old, but I'm having a similar problem, so I figured I'd vent here.

So I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now and he is an amazing guy. We get along great and have sex quite often. I don't ask him not to watch porn because his porn watching never interferes with our sex life. He is always ready to have sex, and whenever I initiate sex, he's always down, so no problems there. He always tells me how beautiful I am and that I'm perfect the way I am (though I'm far far from it). Even though he says all these great things, I have trouble believing him at times. I think the main reason for this is the type porn that he watches. I watch porn myself, so I don't oppose him watching it, its more the type of porn he watches that is a problem. Him watching two people have sex and jerking off to it isn't such an issue for me, its the other videos of girls masterbating, stripping, etc. that bother me. Its just really weird imagining him whacking off to another girl doing a solo session. Its different when its a video of people actually getting it on, but envisioning just another girl on the screen giving him a peep show is really uncomfortable. It makes me insecure about myself no matter how hard I try not to let it get to me. I really want to be completely okay with myself and believe that he wants me the way that I am, but its difficult when he sits around doing the deed to perfect looking women. I'm sure if he found a video of a girl that looked liked me he would pass right over it and go with the skinny chick with the huge cans.

Both myself and my boyfriend understand that porn is just a fantasy, but I can't help but feel crappy thinking about him popping boners to some whore stripping on her webcam. I also get paranoid that he's sometimes thinking of the girls he sees in porn while we're doing it. I know I'm crazy.. I don't care.

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A male reader, appliance Canada + , writes (19 July 2009):

Wow! Just came across this post and I'm apalled by the number of long replies it got so far and by how bad many women here reacts to men watching pornography. As a guy, I feel the need to give my opinion about it.

First, to the girl who posted the question: watching porn is not, in my opinion, something bad (for men/women, heterosexual or gay) as long as it don't interfere with your sex life with your partner. Watching porn downstairs while your girlfriend is lying in bed is definetely not a very "classy" thing to do, to say the least. You should make yourself clear that you don't mind him watching porn when you are not there, but doing it almost next to you is not acceptable. He might have a problem here, since he prefer to watch sex instead of actually having sex. (I don't mean to be rude here, but it might be something problematic on his side).

For all the replies that I've read... Wow... I'm just gonna give you my personal experience: I'm watching porn a lot, always did it since it became so accessible (Internet) and I had an interest for it as a kid/teenager back in the days we had to peep into the adult section of the convenience store to see naked women :) I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years now, she's a wonderful girl, our sex life is great and... guess what? I'm watching porn more than I used to before I met her. Why? Because I think that the greatest your sexlife is, the more you're aroused. I found myself masturbating a lot more after that I met my girlfriend, to think about sex more than the years before when I had been single. Once again, there's nothing wrong if you're still making love to your partner and still prefer actual sex than "videotaped", "staged" sex.

Also, I understand that fore some women who might be insecure about their attractiveness it might be a source of anxiety to be aware that your boyfriend/husband is jerking off while watching women who had obviously been chosen for their physique and willingness to perform sex acts that are not always part of one's daily routine in bed... However, if porn doesn't substitute to real sex, once again, this is not such a problem. My example: my girlfriend has really small breasts (which I like a lot, always liked small breasts) and I'm sometimes watching porno clips with big-breasted girls. I'm even searching for these videos sometimes. And it's never a fantasy that I want to fulfill in real life, or something that I 'miss', if I can say.

Watching porn is normal, as masturbating is. Why masturbate watching a wall when you can masturbate watching people having sex? It's there, accessible, and many people prefer to have a visual stimulation. Pornography is not real world, it's fantasy. It's fantasy that you don't want to see turning real. As long as you're aware that this is NOT real life, it should not cause any harm in your "real" sex life with a real human being.

Well, that's my opinion. I'm not pretending I have the truth, but I still think some ladies here should give it some thought before ruining an otherwise great relationship by giving their man a hard time for their porn habit.

As for the guys, well some of you should be more respectful and never, ever, prefer pornography to sex with your partner... but at the same time, you don't have to feel ashamed for a habit that I consider healthy in most cases and say 'yes, yes, yes I won't do it again I promise' when obviously sooner or later you're gonna watch it again.

Have a great day, all.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009):

I have been in my relationship for little over a year now with the man I thought never existed. He and I have such good chemistry and such deep love for each other but there is an issue with porn. For some reason or another I am lacking an active libido. I really have no sex drive and when I do have sex, I don't feel these amazing sensations that I believe I should.

My boyfriend is addicted to sex. He's addicted to getting off and regularly resorts to porn because he doesn't feel like having "pitty sex". When I do want to have sex with him, I feel as if he should realize that I'm trying to please him so he should never think of it as me feeling bad for him. I'm a pretty insecure woman and always have been this way. I can find so many things wrong with myself and to top those off, I know I can't satisfy my boyfriend which makes me feel worthless.

He knows that I hate porn. I used to watch it, not to try and pleasure myself but because I found "foot fetish" porn and others like it absolutely hilarious. A few months ago I found all these videos in the browser history and took a look. None of those girls looked like me besides having brown hair. Their bodies were out of this world and they were doing things in these films that I wouldn't do.

It was a huge issue so He said he wouldn't watch it anymore.

Recently we bought a new laptop ( about 2 weeks ago). It can show me what he's been looking for even if he tries to delete it out of our browsing history. He known that him watching it makes me feel like I'm unattractive and hurts my feelings that I know he looking at other people besides me to get himself off. He claims "It's normal, and its just what guys do" and he also tries to tell me that it doesn't matter whats on the screen or who it is but that it is the thought of sex that gets him off.

I've noticed that its always brunette, young, teen curvy girls that he finds. Its usually "creampies" or anal stuff that he looks for. I'm pretty disturbed by the terms which he searches for like -JAILBAIT, RAPED, TEEN, YOUNG-. I don't want this is my life or my relationship. I know it is him and he's kind of a package deal but that is something I will not have. It's very disrespectful to me and he just expects me to try and understand.

A few days after I confronted him I find that he searched for more porn videos with keywords such as "Teen Brunette and teenage". I asked him about this right away and he lied which he often does right away before he finally comes out with the truth about his porn. It really breaks my heart but in the back of my mind I'm thinking that maybe he is better off not being with me. I don't have the sexual appetite that he is looking for and I will not deal with him liking to see those types of disgusting porn videos to get off.

I know I will never be able to compromise with him on the porn issue because every time I find what he has been looking at I feel more and more disrespected and hate my self even more on top of that. My hurt will never change so that might mean that this is the beginning of the end for my relationship. I honestly hope that's not the case but I can't deal with it anymore and its making me resent him and his penis. They both are getting to the point where they disgust me just because of him watching the porn.

I just wish men could understand that women are emotional beings and men are not built that way. When things hurt our feelings we can't just brush them off or try and get used to it. These issues, feelings and thoughts that we have cause harmful psychological damage to us and it sometimes even gets to the point were it makes life not worth living.

Good luck to everyone but I'm starting to lose hope.

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A female reader, shanelle United States +, writes (17 May 2009):

SO MANY PEOPLE WITH THE SAME PROBLEM I HAVE...!!! -_-

Okay so i've been in my relationship (interracial) for 8 months now (and it also happens to be my first ever) and the guy im with has a porn addiction. seriously. But he's gotten alot better at it, he went 3 months straight without watching but he did a few weeks ago. anytime he's watched it hes told me, which i respect him for that, but what i dont get is if im soooooooo hurt by it why would he continue to do it? I understand the guy is just getting his "fix" but you dont need porn for that.

Also to add, none of the girls look remotely like me.... i'm a size 3/4, black girl with and average body and stretchmarks and these girls have to be a size 1 or 2, white skin blonde hair perfect teeth perfect hair perfect everything barbie looking girls... and then you have me... average black girl. OMFG! life is such a bitch, its not even funny. i always get dealt the shitty cards in life. :P

porn isnt accidental, you have to type, click, and search for the video. I have no problem with people masturbating and all but to masturbate to another woman is down right worng. I believe its cheating if you supposedly love your mate. But low and behold he hasnt started loving me until a month ago. his words not mine.

if i had a good history with this relationship i wouldnt be so insecure and upset about this. being with him lowered my self-esteem (which was low to begin with before him but he raised it when we first started dating then slammed that sh*t down so hard... -_-) and made me suicidal at time :X

come on, first it was being disgusted at my genitals (large labia :P) so much you avoided giving me oral sex (which you LOVED giving your ex ... your words not mine) to whacking off to the barbie who doesnt even remotely resemble anything that i am.

whats next? seriously? WHAT IS NEXT?!?!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009):

I am so glad I found this site, I like previous posts, I know I'm not ugly, I keep myself in pretty good shape. I have been with my boyfriend for four months but we were best friends for 2 years before that. Last night I stumbled upon porn on his computer and although I was aware that he probably watched it, seeing it in front of me made me feel physically sick. I confronted him and he didn't try to justify it and was obviously very embarassed (I personally think it is just because he got caught) His apology was a huge bunch of flowers and a meal out and as much as I accept his apology, I'm finding it really hard to accept that I'm not enough and I feel like I'm over-reacting...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009):

I'm glad I found this site. My boyfriend of 10 months and I are moving in together in 10 days. I've been staying at his place the past 9 months but I always had my place to go to. Now that I'm finally going to make a commitment I've never made I'm realizing I don't know if I'll be able to handle his porn watching. My biggest fear is walking in on him one day, but at the same time I'm paranoid and every day he gets home from work before me I imagine him watching porn at home.

Like many of you, I know he loves me very much but I am so sick and tired of feeling less when I see all of the porn he has. I'm not really sure how much is too much porn watching. He watches it about every 2-3 days. It's not the amount that bothers me as much as the content. I mean this in no offense to asian girls, but my boyfriend has a terrible fettish for asian girls and I'm not. It's horrible because his ex gf of 2 years was Thai and I know he wanted to marry her. He told me so. So him watching all of this porn makes me think he's watching her and it tortures me. He still has about 500 pictures (no joke) of her on his computer. He says he can't delete them because those are his pictures of places he's traveled and his memories. I don't keep pictures of past boyfriends on my computer.

A while back I found two pictures of this girl pretty much naked on his computer and he swore he didn't know they were on there. I wanted to believe him so I brushed it off. Then just a little later I found all of his porn. He has two folders one is porn and the other is asn and the asn folder has about 5 times the amount of videos as the other porn folder. He did a mass download of porn a few weeks ago of probably 100 videos all asian. I've never been a jealous or nosey girlfriend but I love this man so much and I want to spend the rest of my days with him. I don't think I can if this continues because I feel horrible.

I know I'm not unattractive, I stay in shape, and take care of myself so why aren't I enough? I can't just wake up one morning asian and make his dreams come true. I tell him why is he with me if he's so attracted to them and he says he wants me just the way I am. I'm getting a boob job in a month and I know I want it but I've gotten so confused that I don't know if I'm doing it at all for him and I don't want any of it to be for him. He's good about it and would never say he prefers big boobs (I'm a 34 A) but I know he would "have his fun" with it.

It's true I've watched porn with him before and it's fun and i told him you know just watch it with me and I won't feel terrible. We obviously don't watch asian porn bc that would just be wierd. His sex drive goes down when his porn watching increases and it pisses me off because I'm faithful and I want to get pleased. Well he can't because he jerked off already. I feel disrespected and unwanted and like tonite I don't know how I'll sleep without getting rid of this anxiety. He doesn't even know waht's wrong and keeps asking but i won't tell him because I'm sick of talking about it and him either not answering or not listening or both.

I'm glad there are other girls like me out there. Thank you for all of your comments. I guess I'll stand my ground and sleep on the couch tonight and try not to cry.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008):

Hello,

I , as most of you am extremely glad I found this site! Ive been with my boyfriend for two years now. He is extremely faithful and we have never had a problem in that area at all. I used to watch porn, and so did he in the begining of our relationship. Honestly then, I didnt see a big deal in it. He was the first guy ive had sex with. He's amazing as a person and a boyfriend, wich is why I'm so lost in all this. After we started having sex, I didnt watch much porn at all, and every single time before then and after, I never watched it for the pleasure of the attractiveness of men, I would never even think to do that. It was more for the action of it. After about 2 months I didnt watch porn at all, there was no need for me to because he was enough for me. He told me the same thing , that porn is just boring now. So I thought we felt the same way. A few months ago , we had an argument about it because when I asked him his reasons for watching it in the begining of our relationship, he totally shocked me with the response of "I thought the women were attractive". And it shocked me so much because I dont think anyone is attractive besides him , and as does he because of everything that he's said. He's just not like that. That moment I felt an overwhelming feeling of just ugliness wash over me. I was speechless and fustrated and so many other emotions . It just hurt so bad to hear that. I wanted to burst into tears. Anyway, he said" it was when we first started going out , why do I have to pay for something I did over a year ago" well I got over it eventually and we moved on. Its just all the your so beautifuls, I dont see anyone but you, and I'm so lucky and your perfects that just seem like all a lie now. Its like, if all that was so true, why did you do it? Well he told me last week that he had watched that anime porn, because that's the kind I used to watch, and he wanted to check it out, And he told me he had only watched 1 vid, so I thought no big deal. Anyway I was curious to see what it was so I checked his history to try and find it , and I came across redtube, and there were several videos, about 5. In my mind I thought no way, and felt that hot feeling in my cheeks. I clicked on one of the videos and it was this blonde girl masterbating. I was so hurt and shocked. All this time I'm thinking that he's not like that and he would never do that.another one was this brunette girl using a black dildo. When he came back from the Bathroom I made it look like I stumbled upon it. I was like is this the anime vid u were telling me about?....oh wait, what's this? So I clicked on the brunette video that I just saw. He smiled embarrasedly , and was like no not that laura, and took the mouse from me. I asked what those videos were and he said he didnt know. I told him they just dont appear in your history by themselves . Then he told me that while he was watching the anime video, those videos were underneath, like a preview. I dont know if you guys know what I'm talking about , but their like thumbnail videos under the main video thats being watched. He said that thats why it appeared In his history, he didnt watch them , but since theyre thumbnail vidoes they appear there as well. Be swears that he didnt watch them,and got so deffensive! I was just so confused. I dont know what to do, I really want to believe him, but theres some part of me that tells me he's lying. I dont know what to say about it, because he's just gonna tell me the same thing, that he didnt watch it. What do I even say to that? He would be so hurt if I didnt beleive him and take his word. I mean , theres just no way of me knowing. :( its just so shitty. But all the feelings of ugliness and not being good enough and everything else , I know exactly how you feel ladies. Its so hard not to feel like that. I wish I knew what to do from here . /: I feel like he wishes I looked like someone else , or had a better body. Ughhhh......this is so horrible, to feel like this, and I'm soo sorry that all of you feel this way as well. Sorry this is so long btw. I just really needed to vent. So thnx for all your time,

and stay strong!

333 lots of love

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008):

Being silly? Not at all. I feel the same way. I understand that men are very visual, and that porn use is "normal" for them. But I can't help but feel undesirable. If the man I'm in love with, the man who's in love with me, the man who swore he'd never need to look at another woman the same way as he does me, if he watches porn and gets off to it, it's undeniably frustating. Not only do I feel lied to, but not sufficient as well. Sex with a loved one, it's not just sex, I believe that it's something physical that is directly connected to something mental and emotional - it brings the two closer. If he is jerking off to some attractive mystery whore getting banged I think that because he's physically being pleased imagining this woman's body and how she's being physically pleased, he's imagining having sex with her. Not only imagining it, but being pleased by it, which to me is the same as actually having sex with this mystery woman. And that to me is betrayal, and so so hurtful. So you are not alone, and you've got many other women by your side also feeling hurt, ugly, self-concious, etc. because of your man's porn usage.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008):

You know what really amazes me, is how cavalier the poo-pooers are about this issue. This is devastating women emotionally and in same cases creating deadly eating disorders and excruciating emotional pain. These men do not care!!!! They aren't taking measures to accommodate their significant other's emotional needs and demonstrating sensitivity to their concerns. They are blatantly saying, I like jerking off to porn, but it doesn't mean anything to me and that it means something to you means nothing to me either. It means something to her. Emotionally competent and mature people don't behave so cavalierly toward the person they love. Love is about action. If you like porn, fine. If you agree with your partner that porn is part of your relationship, fine, but if you partner does not agree, you don't get the luxury of being with that partner.

What women are looking for when they express their concerns is something that will make them feel okay with themselves. They need to feel supported and validated. As women, we also have to wake up and realize that saying they just want to have a good wank, really means they are indifferent to how we feel. If they are indifferent to how we feel, they don't love us. As painful as it is to realize this, it's true. They may be attached, may desperately not want us to leave, might not be able to face their own failure and desperately beg us to stay, but nowhere are they showing selfless love, they are serving themselves by keeping us in their lives. They are not serving us. To give further credence to what I'm saying, how many of your boyfriends or husbands are willing to foot the bill for a little cosmetic surgery for you to feel good about yourself? That's clearly not the issue, but even the least emotionally charged solution demonstrates his indifference and illuminates his sense of entitlement. It's not really about the porn, it's symptomatic of a whole plethora of ways they are failing you in the relationship and that's why we feel dirty and inadequate and incompetent. We know we have to have boundaries. We know we deserve to have our needs met, but we want desperately to believe that the insensitive prick we're with will meet those needs some day. Meanwhile, we cling desperately to the hope that will happen while our sense of self is slowly eroded from prolonged indifference and self-betrayal.

I'm not saying that porn does not play a role in relationships, but these relationships are between two highly refined mature individuals. How do I know that? Those people aren't the ones posting here and their responses wouldn't wreak of indifference.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008):

Wow. I can't believe how many people have left their stories and answers and things. I'm glad i'm not the only girl who suddenly feels ugly and unwanted because of porn.

Don't get me wrong.. i used to watch it myself, but since this relationship started, i've fallen head over heels in love with my guy and i don't feel an urge to watch porn.. i've learnt from experiences in the past (with previous boyfriends) that it took away my sex drive and made it incredibly hard to enjoy sex, because i'd already satisfied myself recently.

My guy tells me he's in love with me. I'm the only girl he's ever slept with and we're very sexually active all the time. The other day i was on his computer and i accidently closed the page i was on. So, like alot of you who have already left answers, i clicked the drop down list on the url box to re-open it.. and found a link labelled 'Emo Porn'. He was sitting right next to me, so i said wtf and showed him the link. He laughed but when i clicked the link he closed the window really fast and went 'No..'

I don't doubt that any woman on this site who went through the same thing knows the sickening feeling that knotted up my stomach at that moment. I didn't know what to say or whether i should say anything at all..

I don't want to lose him over an arguement about porn, we've already argued enough over in the past when i used to get paranoid easily. He'll only think i'm being paranoid all over again. He broke up with his last girlfriend over extreme paranoia issues, i don't want it to end the same way for us.

After coming home and searching the site and finding all these pretty girls with gorgeous bodies, i'm left feeling hurt and ugly. Unfortunately I had eating issues before all this happened, so this has to have been one of the worst things to influence it. I barely scrape 500 calories a day and i'm obsessed with toning up and losing weight. I went from 10 and a half stone down to 8 stone 13 and i've got an 8 stone goal i'm desperate to reach. I know what i'm doing is wrong and that i need help, but i can't and to be perfectly honest, don't even want to stop.

I saved some of the images on the site he was on and made it my aim to look like them.

The truth is, i'm so scared of losing the guy i love over an arguement that i'm using the girls he's oogling as thinspiration and just hoping upon hope that if i can make myself look like them he'll stop looking for porn without me having to confront him about it. I'm even scraping money together to buy sexy clothes to see if that works.

I don't reccomend this way of dealing with things to anyone, and i would encourage anyone going through the same thing to have more courage than i've got to confront your boyfriends about this issue. It does make a girl feel like he's either bored, looking for prettier, thinner, perfect bodies or makes them feel ugly and unwanted.

Whether guys think that those feelings are stupid or not, it's how it is, and i suggest instead of lying about watching porn you should talk to her about it and try to be understanding.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008):

Hey everyone,

My girlfriend and i have been going out for a year. ive always been honest with her and ive never lied about watching porn, and she would always go off at me about how its practically cheating and how would you feel ect ect... and so recently, i just said ok drop all of the judgement and lets just talk about it. and so we talked, and she asked why i like it, and i asked why she hates it and basically we just sorted everything out. If anyone out there is having problems with this in their relationship i think you should honestly just talk about it! and i will guarantee that he will try his very best to tell you that it has absolutly nothing to do with you because he loves you, not porn. There is no comparing of bodies going on or anything like that, honestly hes just doing it for a good wack. and talking it through might even help him see where you are coming from, cause it totally helped me.

hope this helps you all

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008):

Well Im so glad to find this site as I have coaght my boyfriend of 8 years watching porn.I have done before too but he said he clicked onto it by accident which I know is a lie but I decided to let it slip and not get upset about it.But since we have just got another computer as we have not had one in a while I have noticed he has been watching it again it's really upset me this time when I confronted him about it he just said its only porn but when I said ok so you walk in and catch me getting myself off while watching a guy masterbate does that not bother you or maybe you should invite ya mates round and il get naked on the bed and start masterbating is that ok to you. Of coarse he would not like that at all and maybe its not the same the one with me on the bed.But anyway I agree with most women its wrong to watch porn when in a relationship its really disripectful and hurtful in my eyes its a form of cheating if your man is watching girls masterbate and then masterbating he is obviously lusting after this girl I have only just found out about this yesterday and I cant evan eat he's made me feel that bad I feel really betrayed. Whats more he got angry with me I wont go in to what he said but he was quite nasty I know why its because I found him out and he knows he is in the wrong so he is taking it out on me to make him feel better.I am gonna say to all men out there who say Its only porn! that when your in a relationship its totaly wrong and you should think about your partners feelings more. For the girl who wrote in I know how your feeling babe and hope you sort this out dont listen to them who are replying negativly there are blokes and need to get a life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008):

Well Im so glad to find this site as I have coaght my boyfriend of 8 years watching porn.I have done before too but he said he clicked onto it by accident which I know is a lie but I decided to let it slip and not get upset about it.But since we have just got another computer as we have not had one in a while I have noticed he has been watching it again it's really upset me this time when I confronted him about it he just said its only porn but when I said ok so you walk in and catch me getting myself off while watching a guy masterbate does that not bother you or maybe you should invite ya mates round and il get naked on the bed and start masterbating is that ok to you. Of coarse he would not like that at all and maybe its not the same the one with me on the bed.But anyway I agree with most women its wrong to watch porn when in a relationship its really disripectful and hurtful in my eyes its a form of cheating if your man is watching girls masterbate other girls and then masterbating he is obviously lusting after this girl I have only just found out about this yesterday and I cant evan eat he's made me feel that bad I feel really betrayed. Whats more he got angry with me I wont go in to what he said but he was quite nasty I know why its because I found him out and he knows he is in the wrong so he is taking it out on me to make him feel better.I am gonna say to all men out there who say Its only porn! that when your in a relationship its totaly wrong and you should think about your partners feelings more. For the girl who wrote in I know how your feeling babe and hope you sort this out dont listen to them who are replying negativly there are blokes and need to get a life.

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A male reader, Kage_Suzuki United Kingdom +, writes (26 June 2008):

Oh for god's sake, it is only porn.

Do you have a vibrator? I'm sure you masturbate too, so don't be so hard on him. If you don't, try it sometime, you might loosen up a little.

Look, porn is a good way to have a quick wank; quick, easy and satisfying every time.

Not as good as normal sex but it is without all of the petting and foreplay and satisfying the other partner... sometimes all you want is relief, no strings attached and porn is a way to do that without worrying 'am I doing ok? is this good enough for her? is she enjoying herself?'

Stop being so demanding of him. He obviously loves you if he is living with you and I can be pretty sure he isn't comparing you to one of the vacant porn stars; they are eye candy but all in all just images on a screen; you, on the other hand, are real.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008):

Goodness, I'm glad I found this website!

My boyfriend of 8 months told me he doesn't watch porn.. anymore. I believed him because he doesn't have a computer he told me I was the only girl he thought was attractive. Not too long ago truth started to pile out saying thats its okay for him to look "he's a guy". I let him borrow my computer for other purposes and I looked at the history and noticed it was deleted, and that is so obvious he deleted porn sites. What is really bad is that he masturbated four times in a row to it! He can't even do that during sex! Which hurt me so much. I know that he wishes that i was a big boobed blonde. I mean I'm not ugly its just I'm lacking curves. It's really true that he will not understand why watching porn hurts so much. I will never think it's okay for men to look at porn, of course if your single but not when your with someone you love.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008):

My boyfriend watches a LOT of porn.

I don't even know where to start other than to say it is confusing.

It is very hurtful to think that he looks lustfully at another but understandable that it is just that - a quick 5 knuckle shuffle.

I don't think he loves me any less for it but I do wonder if sometimes he wishes I were a bit more like the barbie dolls he watches.

Sex between us has reduced dramatically and I can't think of any other reason other than this for his lack of a sex drive with me.

The shear amount of videos is painful to see because it proves no 'accidental clicking' on sites. (An excuse he used at first.....)

Ask yourself the question, 'if I asked him to stop, do I really think he will?'. Sadly I think the answer will always be a resounding 'NO!'.

People don't like being told what they can and can't do and plus they do not see it as being 'wrong'. Men and women are hugely different which in many ways is a brilliant thing. Sadly, emotion is something that is different and the bain of 99% of all relationship arguments. He simply wont understand why you are bothered, no matter how hard you try to explain.

Don't let yourself believe he does not love you anymore as this will not be the case. He is simply male.

And don't go searching for it either - this will just add to your pain and make you far more paranoid.

Talk to him and tell him by all means but don't lay down any ultimatums unless you can handle the worst concequence.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008):

You know, I've been looking at this issue on a lot of sites because I had the same issue and I'm kind of sick of it. I don't buy into the "it's just men" thing in terms of a justification. Most people will do whatever society allows them to do, and that's it. So back a hundred years ago, your man would very likely be saying the same thing about sleeping with another woman, because that's just what men did. What changed, frankly, was the woman's movement, and women insisting on some changes. I do think this means maybe not ending up with a guy, and each person would have to decide for herself whether that, for her, was a better choice than being with a less-than-stellar guy. It's a choice, and I can see making either one.

But I think there's another question that matters too, maybe even more--what kind of porn? A Playboy magazine is pretty different from a Teen Anal video, though both will be widely available. Basically, for me, someone who is into porn that is pretty much the kind of sex I like to have is pretty much ok--I wouldn't mind watching either. But if someone likes watching stuff that I think humiliates people (and what this line is would vary from person to person--for me I think even anal is too much, because it hurts and I think what people get off on in watching it is often about doing something to someone that hurts) that's not ok with me. There are some things I wouldn't watch even if I found them arousing, because some stuff is part of what I consider pretty negative human impulses--like the pleasure of hurting or dominating someone. I think the pleasure of that is real, but I don't think it's healthy or should be encouraged. (For example, I think history shows pretty clearly that genocide is also a natural human tendency, but that doesn't mean we should support it.)

So, good luck to you all, whatever you decide. And keep your dignity and self-love intact.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008):

Hey, I've been having the same issue with my serious boyfriend of 6 months. I think that if it bothers you, you should say something. It's the little things that add up that could distroy what you have worked so hard to keep.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008):

i just cant understand men...when they have a girlfriend who they find extremely attractive & hav a good sex life...why do they need so much porn? and why should we put up with it?

i recently found out my boyfriend watched porn...we sorted it out & he actually encouraged me to go onto his history nd have a look for myself...wel firstly he could have deleted anysites he had been on but there were none there so...i did a thorough check and sure enough he has typed into 'google' - 'boobs' & 'page3'!!!! ahhh i just dont get it? then it turns out he had been lying to me about how much and what he looks at...

it makes me so sad to read all these msgs for all these women who are left feeling ugly & self contious, especially during sex - one thing i hate is my stretch marks - girls in porn are all perfect nd i dont see how i can compare.

i just dont see how it is right for a man to watch, for example 2 girls together whilst pleasuring himself... that to me, is wanting to be with other women.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008):

This is a sensitive subject. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years, living together for 7, with plans to marry this fall. He always told me that he didn't watch porn. Well one night while online I looked at the history to find a page I had visited without having to search again and found lots of porn sites. I kept tabs on the behaviour for about a month before I confronted him.

He tried to lie about it at first and then I had to show him all the porn he had saved and encrypted on his computer. He stumbled over words and could not state why he lied to me, then accused me of spying on him. I have expressed to him many times that I would like to watch with him if he does and before I caught him lying he always said he didn't get into porn, he didn't need it he has me.

I firmly believe that a married person or one in a long term relationship with a healthy sex life should not be interested in porn unless they share it with their partner. My boyfriend and I have sex almost daily, sometimes more than once and he still will not share or get rid of his porn. At this point I am truly disgusted and have found it hard at times to even be sexual with him.

Porn can be a good thing if viewed with your partner, but it seems that my man wants to keep his dot com hoes all to himself, which infuriates me. It's like he needs to have a little fantasy world to maintain. I agree with all that it makes you feel terrible about yourself, like your not good enough, he's bored with you, or just wants to be with as many people as possible.

It's not cheating but it is very disrespectful, especially if your partner requests that you either get rid of it or share. This has really messed up 10 years of commitment in our relationship, and I am not sure anymore about getting married. My man had me convinced for 10 years that he did not watch porn and that he was not that type of guy [his dad is and he always tells his Mom about seeing and deleting all the porn on his dads computer]

Considering the lies and basic hypocritical actions I believe my man has a problem that needs to be addressed professionally, but he does not feel that way and is still trying to lie, telling me he deleted everything. So is watching porn okay? Yes if it it used with the person you love for extra excitement and no if a man or women keeps it to themselves and feels the need to lie about to their partner.

The later just makes the one unaware feel as if they are not good enough. If your man truly loves you and you tell him porn bothers you, he should get rid of it or you can pretty much be certain he has no respect for you, and in my opinion respect is a very important factor in any committed relationship, you can't love someone without respecting them. Bottom line, I plan on leaving my man if something doesn't change soon because he is totally disrespecting me and I suggest anyone else in this situation to do the same.

Porn can be an addiction and unless addressed can get out of control. I don't think porn is bad and have always wanted to watch with my man, but when a person starts watching in secret while their partner is home, or lacks interest in real sex because they already took care of the urge with porn, or the porn is particularly disturbing, the porn freak needs to be sent on their way.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008):

Hi

Well I am glad that there are more of you out there! My boyfriend has been watching porn when I am not around and I have no idea how to deal with it, I get angry/teary/ I feel not good enough, I wonder if there is something missing...all the feelings that you girls describe. He says that he only wants me, so why does he need to get that visual stimulation if I am enough?

The other night I brought the laptop over and put on some of the sites he looks at and he got so angry!

I think they will do it regardless of what we want, they are men and we just have either deal with it and get on with our relationships or end it. But then we might just end up with another porn watching male!

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A female reader, inglestone United Kingdom +, writes (10 March 2008):

now my boyfreinds comparing girls liking makeup to men liking porn its stupid and i thinks its pervy to look at porn especially when u have a gf

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008):

I've been with my boyfriend for 13 months now and last night I found porn on his computer when he swore down on our relationship that he wouldn't watch it. Not only did I want to dump him he was lying to me for 3-4 months and I felt so used and like I was just there, they're better then me and I'm just ugly and now I just feel so depressed

thanks xxx

ashleigh xx

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A female reader, Charlie-123 United Kingdom +, writes (5 March 2008):

Hi,

i am having a similar problem. Firstly i would like to thank all you amazing women that have wrote, im so glad im not alone and dont feel so silly anymore.

I have only been with my boyfriend about 8months,which some how makes me feel im not enough and hes already bored this far into the relationship.

I know he loves me and he does tell me all the time. Trouble is we had the disagreement about two months back and i thought we had sorted it.

Id always had a problem with my other halfs watchin porn in the past as it was, but just thought it was something that i had to live with, even though i hated it so much, pretty sad, hey.

However i always thought it was just us women, with our insecurities about porn and things, but it all started with little things, him making jealous comments bout guys on tv. Then it went to him getting very funny over me using my dildo without him. (That he bought for me himself as a birthday gift, never had one before and wouldnt have gone out of my way to buy one. I was happy without.

Anyway he didnt like this, obvbiously i thought this was very unfair and told him, how can a piece of plastic compare to all these mags and porn vids, his fav sky adult channels. Its not like i was getting off over other guys (maybe that are better than him), i doubt he would like that. But still being a male he was right.lol.So i figured i hadnt made my point clear enough.

It may have been abit nasty and vindictive i must admit, but i purposly downloaded porn and pics more so for us womens use. (Which was alot harder to find i must say). I know he always went on the history to see what i had been on etc, so i was hoping he would find it.....

He did, and he hated it. He was very angry and was close to tears, said he felt sick (described it all exactely how i had felt over him watching porn) I thought finally he understands.

He made the decesion and promised if i didnt do it, he wouldnt either. I was more than happy with that.

I did have the odd feelings that maybe he was still watching it and deleting proof, but that was just something i had to live with.

Two months down the line (well this week), I thought id bring up the history to get up a page i had been on few days back.I honestly wasnt thinking about anything he had been on.

There in the history i see a list of downloaded porn videos, "7 squirting orgams", "blonde covered in cum", etc. I was angry, upset. Was it the lies or the fact that he was still watching porn after everything!!

I txt him staright away telling him what i had found, i wasnt happy at all. Told him how could i trust him now.

He apolygised and apolygised. Admitted he was in the wrong, bought me flowers, chocolates. Told me how much he didnt want to loose me.

Today he even said hes willing to delete all (and i mean its alot, told him hes got enough and a good variety to open up his own porn video shop). He said he would delete all and put a parental password on the computer that only i know to stop him going on the sites.

Truth is i dont want to have to stop him form watching them like that, its silly. Id rather him not have the need for them. I dont know what to do.

I ask myself are guys that have and need all this porn and go to strip clubs more likely to cheat? are they bored? and if they are doing it this far into the relationship? are they going to want even more 3yrs down the line? is there no hope?

Im 20 this year, yes im young but im not stupid. I wouldnt usually put myself down, im nothing special, but im not half bad. Im a 10-12. Pretty toned, ok 34A (which am not very happy with) yes there small but still nice and wouldnt say im ugly.

But today we slept togther, usually we have amazing sex.He sure does it for me.But it was nothing like usual, i just wasnt as confident as id usually be, didnt know what i wanted to do, didnt want to be ontop, didnt want to do anything, didnt know whether to take my nighty off or leave it on. Was to much thinking. I felt ugly, more flat chested than usual. I hated it.I really just dont feel god enough..

I just hope to sort it all and feel better about myself again and i hope all you girls do too.I for sure want to feel sexy and wanted again. Good luck. x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008):

I recently discovered my boyfriend has been viewing porn on a regular basis when im not around. i dont know how to go about it or whether i should say anything because i dont want him to feel as if im spying on him.

But it truly makes me feel hurt and unattractive, before we were together i felt sexy and wanted and now i feel as if he is looking for someting better.

Although i know they are fantasy girls, it just makes me sick to my stomach that he is getting off looking at other slutty women.

I'm not sure how to go about this,i feel alone in this situation and as if he is making it a scret from me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008):

don't let girls in porn films make you feel unattractive. SERIOUSLY! they're sick, just think about it you don't want to let yourself get as low as comparing yourself to porn star.

I've been dating the man who I know I'm going to marry for a year (yesterday), we also live together. I'm dealing with close to the same thing you are, he watches a shit ton of porn. Before we were dating we were the close friends, not sexually at all, but I knew he watched porn back then and didn't care. But now that we are dating he seems to still watch it all the time, or at least every time I leave the house, or am sleeping, he tries to hide it from me, but that kind of thing pretty much screams at the other person 'somethings not right'. I started going through my computer history and his every time I came back to our apartment, and either found a suspicious empty history folder or found the websites or searches he did on google.

I've never been the person to watch porn, it's not my thing, but i started going to the pages he went to, so i could see why he seems to love it so much, and after about a month of forcing myself on those websites, I still and even more think porn is sick. It's disgusting, degrading, animal-like and why would you want to watch someone having sex? I rather not.

But, him watching porn and me going to the pages he went to also made me feel unwanted, not sexy, just because the girls he watches look nothing like me. It's been a stress on our relationship, because I don't know how to tell him to stop....YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!

Lately we haven't been having sex a lot, which is very odd for us, but he rather masturbate by himself after I leave the house than have me take care of him when I'm there. I'm having a hard time with this since, I only want him to satisfy me, and he obviously doesn't.. which I guess seems to be common in men?

So basically, I don't think your partner should be watching porn. Your partner has you, and if that isn't enough than your partner has a serious problem and might be addicted like my boyfriend!

From all this especially recently I have lost my sex drive, and when we do have sex it isn't the same because I can't stop thinking about it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007):

My boyfriend also watches porn/it hurts my feelings/irritates me. He does have the decency to watch it when I'm not home. But: I commute to work over an hour and a half each way every day, and it bugs me to know that he comes home from work and watches porn and jerks off for an hour before I get home, while I'm sitting in traffic, so that then he has no interest in f--king me that night. I've asked him to stop spending himself that way so that we can have better time together, but I just found a new shortcut on his computer that indicates his watching has not ended. Very frustrating, sexually as well as emotionally.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007):

i was dealing with the same problem and spoke openly and honestly with my boyfriend on several occasions. i am not completely averse to him watching porn. although we live in the same town, we only spend about 3 nights a week together, and i can accept the variety that porn offers, which frankly, some of those things i will not engage in. however, i noticed that my concerns weren't sinking in, and he was watching porn on the internet almost every night we weren't together. it got to the point where i decided to go off the birth control pill. here i was pumping my body full of hormones (not to mention paying for it) for the sake of our sexual relationship, and he did not have the decency to meet me halfway on an issue that i communicated with him directly about. i told him that the pill decreased my libido, and if we were going to proceed in this relationship regarding sex in such a non-personal way, i was going to start enjoying mine more and getting off in my own when i was away from him. i told him he could be responsible for buying condoms for the times when he decided to have sex with me instead of with his hand and the glow of the computer monitor. i think that was enough to make him realize that sex isn't just about making yourself feel good in as short amount of time as you can, but sharing a physical connection with someone who is willing to make sacrifices for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007):

Hey

I have been living with my boyfriend for over a year now and I realise that not letting him watch porn is rude and unfair. I am not very attractive but he does say I am beautiful and thats into my eyes so I know he means it. So in syaing that I agree its all "oooh yeah sex!" and not I'm going to find her and sleep with her.

I think that a little is ok, but once it becomes an addiction it's going too far. A lot of men want you to watch it with them, but I'm not a female who likes looking at other women.. turns me off.

So talk with him, if he doesn't haven't the respect to atleast compromise a little then you have a problem. I feel bad for completly stopping my boyfriend from watching porn.. it was a self consious thing. I felt ugly and so him watching other girls dancing with nothing on made me feel like he would leave me, but he stopped it for me shows how much he is in love with me.

Good luck with your decision.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2005):

my boyfriend and I have been living together for 2 years and sex is a wierd issue between the both of us. He prefers to masturbate than taking care of me. I lose it every time I see it anywhere in our apartment. I know that everytime he does it, I won't get anything. I know how you feel and I am with you. Good luck!!

P.S.

MEN SUCK

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (27 January 2005):

Bev Conolly agony auntHi Kez,

There is such a problem as "porn addiction", and it's related to compulsions that some people have difficulty controlling, like overeating, gambling habits and binge drinking.

But having said that, there are also guys who just like to watch a lot of porn. Whether it's an addiction, a problem or just a facet of his personality depends both on how you and he regard it and whether it's affecting other areas of his life.

First things first, though. Never feel like you have to compete with the girls in porno films in terms of looks or sexual activities. To say these girls were selected as porn stars solely on their appearance is just plain obvious. It's like saying you wouldn't pick an asthmatic guy who's in traction as your house removalist. Well... naturally.

The main point is that, although the girls in the flicks are generally very attractive, your boyfriend is probably not watching these videos to comparison-shop over breast augmentation or make-up application. He just sees a female body getting bonked, full stop, and his brain goes, "oooh yeah!"

You're not being "silly", but you're worrying too much and thinking of porn with a woman's mind, rather than seeing it the way men do.

Now then, if you regard the amount of porn that he watches as a problem, it's a problem. You need to address it, or you'll begin to get more resentful and it will affect your feelings toward him.

Have you spoken to him yet, and mentioned that you feel left out about the amount of porn he's watching in his recreational hours? If he's always lived on his own, he may not even realise that this is an issue.

Talk to him and tell him that you didn't realise until you moved in together how much of his time he spends on them and that you're beginning to feel uncomfortable with it. Ask him if he would be willing to compromise, then offer some ideas. Maybe you'll suggest that he can watch porn while you're asleep or away, but that you'd rather he didn't while you were at home, awake. Maybe you have another idea that works out better for you.

Moving in together is a big adjustment, and there are going to be some compromises each of you has to make. Try not to be too demanding, because when you love the man, you also have to deal with the peccadilloes that come with him. As he deals with yours.

Good luck.

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A reader, kirsty, writes (24 January 2005):

hi my name is kirsty and i just want you to know im in exactly the same predicament. im recently married and obviously still trying to adjust and my husband spends loads of time watching porn, when im downstairs he is upstairs, when im in the bath or upstairs for more than 10 minutes he is downstairs, he even sits up until 5am on the internet looking at porn. ive started to feel a bit rejected and it hurts like mad and on discussing it with him he lies and says he doesnt, but im not paranoid as ive found numerous amounts of profe and ive also almost caght him on numerous occasions. i dont really have any advice for you, i just wanted you to know that your not alone, because after reading your question i felt miles better knowing it wasnt just me being silly. Be strong because there is many a time ive almost lost it because of his obsessin. take care x

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