A
female
age
51-59,
*onfused35
writes:Lately, my husband has benn acting very distant, absent, and uninterested. When I confronted him, he told me that he wants to leave me and that he has no feelings for me. He accused me of marrying him out of convenience. I told him that I loved him but he wasn't too convinced. I was so devastated that I just couldn't take it. I cried for 2 days and decided to talk to him some more. He told me that he's confused because he was sure I had no feelings for him.He said that he doesn't know what love is and what he feels for me is not what they show on TV. When I asked him what he wants to do, he told me that he doesn't want to lose what we have and that he wants to be with me.I'm confused because I suspect he just feels sorry for me because i love him and he's too of a coward to leave me. We promised each other that everything will be ok and that we wil never bring this incident up.As much as I love him and would love to stay with him for the rest of my life, I can't help but wonder:Do I hurt him by having us stay together?Should I leave so that he can find someone new and experience love like everybody else?What do I do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): I suggest you both go for counseling before you just give up and move on. Maybe with a few sessions of therapy you might both rediscover each other and find ways to overcome the issues that are causing problems.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, Confused35 +, writes (18 October 2008):
Confused35 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for answering. My next dilemma is: why doesn't he just leave me? What is he waiting for? If I didn't love him, I'd be gone. He asked me to give him time and that's why I'm still here. But what about him?
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A
female
reader, Confused35 +, writes (18 October 2008):
Confused35 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe talked. I asked him how he feels about me and he said that he didn't love me. He also said that he needs some time to decide what he wants to do because he just doesn't know it yet. I try to be supportive and caring but I don't think I can. How can I if I know that there is no love..
As I watch him go about his business I see that there is no room for me in his life. he has his friends, hobies, career, and there is just no time or place for me. Everything he does, he does for himself.It's like I don't exist. And then he tells me he needs more time.
I'm confused because everything points to the fact that he already made up his mind. He doesn't need me. he doesn't want me. I'm just a problem.. What shoud I do?
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (1 October 2008):
 Why don't you ask him that? If he pauses, or hesitates, you know your answer.
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A
female
reader, Confused35 +, writes (30 September 2008):
Confused35 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for answernig my question. The truth is, my husband thinks I married him for convenience because he's very educated and makes good money. I, on the other hand, have only Bachelor Degree and make not much money. So naturally, he thinks I'm in this relationship because I don't have to worry about the finances.
And because our careers are so different he feels that we are not compatible. He told me that he sees himself with someone like him. Someone who like sports and politics.
And that we are too different to be comfortable and that whole idea of "opposites attract" is BS.
In contrast, I feel that we have a lot in common. We like to travel, go to theaters, and restaurants. When comes to big issues we have similar views, I guess.
And while I like to talk about problems and I'm quite confrontational, he's not at all. He likes to keep to himself and rarely shares with me.
And he's not romantic at all. So I just don't know. Has he agreed to continue our marriage because of me or because he wants it too?
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A
female
reader, SaintlySal  +, writes (30 September 2008):
Hello,
the key to the tone of your email is in your expressed awareness, willingness to communicate and work at the relationship as partners.
I would highly recommend the two of you start dating again, revisiting your objectives as a couple and as individuals. I would also stress seeking intervention that allows the two of you to explore the dynamics that have led you to that point.
However, ultimately, whatever decision you both make will be the correct one. However, do bear in mind, the consequences of the decision you make will have an impact on whatever pathway you as an individual and/or couple follow.
Take care
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (30 September 2008):
Your husband is living in a fantasy world. Does he read romantic novels, too? What a coward move-claiming you didn't love him, just because he felt he didn't love you!
Get marital counseling, because his view of love seems warped to me.
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