A
female
age
41-50,
*non202020
writes:Thanks in advance for any help you may be offer on this.As is often the case, there is a depth to this story I can't write here solely for the reason that it will take up 100 pages! However, in a nutshell: I have been in a relationship for near on 18months. From the start, I wasn't entirely convinced - mostly because I didn't feel that 'spark" from the outset. However, for much of my 20's I have been cutting guys off without giving them a chance and this time I decided that just because there wasn't a spark, didn't mean it couldn't work. However, the doubt remained. He and I didn't click as I have with other people in my life - male and female friends and some brief relationships I've had. Conversation doesn't really flow and when it does, it doesn't flow for very long. I don't think we have that natural ability to spark discussions off each other. We have two very different professions (me educated, him not), and so we are intellegent in different ways. However, I find that when I initiate discussions with him he doesn't have the ability (or desire?) to ask more.... to explore in a way that allows us to just chat and chat and chat. I find that this is something I can do with other people who give me substance to work with. However, i have persisted as I have wondered if perhaps I can have that need fulfilled elsewhere. Because he meets some other needs in ways that i fear I may not find in another. He loves me unconditionally (but then I wonder, yes he loves me as is, but without a desire to explore and understand the depths of who i am?), he will do anything to make me happy (dinners - although not much is said over dinner - buys me stuff, looks after me when I'm unwell, buys me coffee when he's out... never leaves without a kiss and never returns home without a kiss), little day-to-day things that make me know he loves me immensely.WEe hardly ever argue as we're both pretty chilled and when we do, he'll be fairly quick to come around - without holding grudges. he doesn't bully or criticise or put me down. I fear that losing him will mean perhaps not finding someone who treats me so respectfully? However, in the back of my mind I wonder if these are enough to sustain a relationship? Is talking over-rated? I am at the point where I know it's make or break. The natural progression for here is discussing future plans together (i.e. marriage or contemplating a life together), but when I do, a little voice in my head says "step away", "this isn't right".Relationships are never perfect and there is always some uncertainty - so when do you know it's right? Please, I'd love to hear from happy couples who can tell me how they 'knew' and also those who thought they knew, but then realised they weren't truly listening to themselves. Thanks again!
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female
reader, Anon202020 +, writes (4 December 2009):
Anon202020 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there and thanks to both of you - gosh, such two very great, yet different responses. One suggesting I hold on, one perhaps I let go. I know that at the end of it all, the decision can only be my own. Thank you though for taking the time to share your stories with me.
To the anonymous post, I am glad that you made a decision that felt right for you. At the end of the day it will be right for him too. I would have loved to email you directly and if you read this and are willing for me to contact you directly (that is via the website) I'd really like to "chat" to you further. If not, I totally understand too.
SuddenlyConfusedAgain - how beautiful that you have met a man who you are happy with. I wish you much happiness in love and life! Two wonderful things of being :-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): I just recently went through the same exact thing. I had been dating my boyfriend or 5 years. We never had that inital "spark" but he was my first serious boyfriend and I didn't know that just because I didnt have that spark that we didnt love each other. We got along great, never fought, and when we did just like you, he would turn it around quickly.. He had a heart of gold and always greeted me pleasently when i got home from work and was always supportive and loving. I didnt realize though until I read your post, that he and I did not have conversation skills either. I like to talk, I like to learn new things and like to explore other people and have conversations with them. He didnt give this to me. We hardly had any converstaions beyond how our day was and never stayed up all night chatting either. I am educated, he is not and we had totally different priorities in life. For about 6 months I was on the fence about this. I couldnt picture our wedding, I couldnt picutre moving forward and having him there as a partner to help me make adult decisions etc. so after 6 months I decided it was time to let him go and I did... although its been sad and tough and I feel like I let a good PERSON go, I know we werent meant to be together. I love him and really care about him but not as a future husband and I couldnt spend my life trying to pretend something was perfect eventhough only certain parts were. I hope this helps.. i talked to friends and family who all loved him but they helped me realize that there is someone out there better for me and I am estatic to meet that person. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, SuddenlyConfusedAgain  +, writes (27 November 2009):
why not suggest taking a break? Thats what I did and I missed him so so much and knew I was wrong for doubting my love for him. If you don't miss him and realize you're ok without him, then you should let him go.
Me and my boyfriends relationship isn't as intense as previous relationships i've had, but we work, and it is love. Every relationship is different, take your time and don't ruin a good thing. Your man sounds like you could have a happy stable life with him, and thats hard to find!
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