A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so confused. I moved to a new city where I had the opportunity to stay with my younger cousin. She was looking for a roomie and I was looking for a room. So it worked in both our favors. She had been in the city for a while so I moved in with the expectation that she would have the city on lock down. Turned out she had anything but that. She didn't have many friends and was kinda hoping I could help her out or be someone she could hang with. I didn't mind that and never mentioned to her my disillusionment as it's not a big deal and really it is not my place and I was more than happy to be there for her. Everything was fine and we were getting along great. At the same time I was looking for a job and certainly feeling lonely because she was the only person I knew in the whole city, not to mention I am a very social person. But I knew once I had a job I would start meeting people. So without a job, little money and no friends, I spent alot of time at home especially on the internet shopping for jobs and sending resumes, understandably. She didn't have much of a life either so she spent alot of time at home too.The problems started when I was getting phone calls from my dad (her uncle) telling me that he had heard from her parents little concerns here and there about me, stupid things like that I left the light on in the bathroom or that I didn't flush the toilet, or that I spent alot of time at home in my room. We are both adults, so I didn't understand why she couldn't tell me these things herself, much less divulge such trivial "concerns" to third parties. That was very spiteful to me. Here I was trying to get my own shit together and at the same time being a friend to her meanwhile she was driving a wedge between us all along by playing a snitch about things that didn't even matter! And for what? I have no idea! Apart from the fact that I wasn't doing anything terrible, I just couldn't do anything without it being divulged behind my back. All this did is make me question her and distrust her intentions.After confronting her about it I started distancing myself from her at that point for obvious reasons. The worst part was after two months I still had not made one friend. It came as quite a blow to me when I was confronted by her and her dad about my social life. Had I made friends? At one point her dad even gave me a spiel about the importance of friends. I was speechless...Obviously, in addition to everything else, she had also been ragging on me that I am friendless! When the irony of it all is that she didn't have any friends! I had only just moved to the city not knowing a soul hoping she could help out in that department! It was completely blasphemous. I couldn't even believe this girl was so insensitive and spiteful and so out of loop with reality. At that point I started getting really bitter. I got a job and just dedicated myself to my work and just tried to completely ignore her. At work I started having more fun and meeting people. I started making friends there and made a boyfriend too. Eventually I made a group of friends and spent all my time either at work, with my bf and with my friends, never home. For the most part I was happy, until I had to come home eventually...Then when I got a life she was still pissed because she said she felt used. She said that after everything she did for me and "taking" me into her home and now I am off doing my own thing. So according to her I used her just until I got on my feet. I never used her! This living arrangement was convenient for both of us and I would have been more than happy to be friends with her. I cannot be friends with someone like her! And she is clueless in understanding why I don't want much to do with her. The worst part is that now I feel guilty! I feel guilty that she has no friends and I do. But she continues to be spiteful so I can't handle her. The last three days I was off and spent in bed the entire time not feeling well. She threw that in my face that I sleep all day while she is busy doing stuff...I couldn't even believe she continues to have the audacity to stick her nose where it doesn't belong and try to find something to put me down for. I have been looking for another place to move to, I cannot handle her anymore. The problem is that I don't want her to feel abandoned or me leaving to further drive a wedge between us. She is family and I don't want to sever ties which makes this all the more difficult. But I am not happy and this is not healthy for me. I have enough problems to not need to deal with this kind of drama that can so easily be avoided. I would like to share a place with someone with my level of maturity and respect. Should I feel guilty or do I have a right to feel the way I do?I need advice...thank you for reading.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): No. Don't feel guilty. That you went to this length, to get a more objective view tells me you are wasting way too much time on this issue in your life. You are on the right wavelength. Go your separate way and still be caring and civil, but realize you are not responsible for her and frankly (based on your perspective) she sounds more than a little off, in terms of her social skills. A true friend would actually find some way to inform her, nicely, on that, whether she appreciated it or not. Social skills can be learned and sounds like she could benefit, unless she is too far gone and a total wack job.Either way, go your own way and get on with your life.
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