A
female
age
51-59,
*opsicle
writes:Dear CupidI have a daughter who does not want to know me. She was just the most rebellious daughter you could ever imagine from 12 onwards. I tried counseling. But it never worked, she would not attend. I was a very young parent and she is my only child. Her father refused to be a presence in her life and she is my only child. She left home five years ago, while still a teenager. Even before she left she was continually rude and abusive to me and to my mother. And on every occasion we have tried to reconnect with her we have been rebuffed.When she was at home we did disagree with the fact that she was associating with a crowd of people from her school who were out of control. My mother and I disagreed with her drinking alcohol under age. And due to things she said it was apparent that she was smoking and possibly using drugs. She says she thinks we are wowsers and prudes for not doing these things.For a while after she left home she would occasionally come back asking for loans of money. Of course we never expected the money to be returned, and it never was. And we would never ask for it back. We just wanted her to be safe. I think my mother will die with a broken heart never having contact with her only grand-daughter. Recently we heard that she has had a son. She is not married. We both tried sending something to her for the baby and I was castigated for even daring to try to help. Now she says that we will never hold nor see her son. I know she means it. We do not know her phone number nor the name of the father. But we can tell from electoral records where she lives. Should we just stop trying to connect with her? She is aged 20. I just feel so sad about this, as everyone I know has said I was a great mother to her. And due to my own mother's health (she was an older mother when she had me) I find my time has been consumed in the last three years looking after my mother's health/medical needs.Are there any suggestions people might have that might help me deal with what I regard as a huge lack in my life - my daughter's presence?Should I just give up trying?I have tried so many times to reconnect with her. Only to be abused and shouted at for daring to do so. or daring to try to reconnect.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (13 May 2011):
 Yes, I thought you might be upset, and that wasn't my intention. My head was thinking about what your daughter may have been thinking and feeling and the reason why she walked away. It's hard for us to look in the mirror and look at ourselves honestly. There are reasons why things happen, if she's alone and with a child I can't work out why she denies any money or support.I am sorry for upsetting you, but your aim is to make friendship with your daughter. This I feel means looking at all the reasons why she may have left and is continuing to reject you.You say she likes money.... but you said she wouldn't accept amything from you originally. Money is a good way to bribe your way into her life and connect with your grandson.The follow up you have provided is detailed, and gives more information on what is going on with your daughter. You say at 13 she started to misbehave and become violent, is this when your husband died, might she be suffering from repressed bereavement for him. No, it's not your lack of money. Normally 13 year olds don't kick you. It's almost like she's on self destruct. Kids that leave stay away when they blame their parents for something. They usually come back when they have children themselves, it's strange that she has totally cut you off.This is not about me and my words to tell the truth. It's about how you and your daughter manage to get together and how you manage to get your grandson. I like families to stay together, and your situation is distressing especially for your grandchild.What could you say to reach her. Take blame for things that don't exist, listen, insult and upset her so she breaks and tells you what is wrong. I'm not sure, but don't let her go and don't give up, you have a grandchild to think off. Again, sorry if my words have upset you. She does sound like she needs some form of counselling, and her levels of anger are more than normal teenage misbehavior. Maybe talking about her father if you haven't done that may be a start to some proper talking.
A
female
reader, Popsicle +, writes (13 May 2011):
Popsicle is verified as being by the original poster of the question Miamine i was too upset to answer your post initially.
Until my daughter was about 12 we had a wonderful relationship. And I did not initially want to say anything negative about her. I truly do love my daughter. But I do not like her behaviour.
But at 13 her behaviour started to upset me. I tried to get her to counselling but she refused. So I went along by myself. I was often bruised on my stomach area as she would kick out at me if I walked too close to her when she was watching television. The school started complaining about her and frequently I was asked to come to the school. They tried going into meetings with her but she would walk out. She tried a part time job after school but was sacked for insubordination.
she broke things that were dear to me and threatened and belittled me. It was heart breaking.
Those who know me very well say that I was always a good parent. My biggest failing was that I was too poor for her. Making money and getting money is all that drove her. She wanted to associate with people with more money than us.
I do not think I was a bad parent. But I was labelled a failure when I could not buy her the car she wanted. Or when I asked her to clean up her room. She is intelligent and got good marks at school. That the teachers told me was part of the problem for them. She would arrogantly toss in her assignments late. They were good answers from all accounts. So they had to give her good marks. But she would be mocking to those who had tried harder but received not as good marks.
Yes her father, who was my husband by the way, not some one night stand, and our marriage had the blessing of my mother. But after the marriage he would go home to his mother when things were tough, like when I was pregnant with our planned child. I had not realised how immature he was. I guess once you live with someone you discover these things. But when you are young and in love it all seems like you can conquer anything.
But he was killed in a car accident a few years later, having had hardly any contact with her before that. I cannot undo that.
Your comments were not helpful and were do deeply hurtful. I asked for advice not to be castigated.
And I am sorry if I said anything that implied that I was a saint. I do not feel like that. Maybe I am just choosy that I have chosen to not remarry. And now with my Mother so sick it has kind of worked out well that I did not remarry. Because there is so much to get done, to help my mother.
I asked for advice Miamine, but not to be abused. your comments really hurt me.
Thank you A female reader, anonymous as your advice was helpful and showed empathy.
male reader, the_phoenic I would not say 'spoil' in the sense of material things as money was always tight. But I knew things she loved, places she loved, and activities she loved and i made sure i put those things in her life and we did lots of things together. But it was after the age of 12 that things started to unravel and she saw homes and lifestyles of people at her school who had far more than us. If seems she resented that I was not well off.
Thank you A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael I tried the letter and received a lawyer's letter telling me not to contact her again. But your advice was very sound thank you.
A reader, anonymous I am so sorry about your son. I hope it works out. If not perhaps post a question in Dear Cupid and you could get lots of other suggestions that might help
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 April 2011):
Certain things you say rub me up raw, and i can see why you have a problem with your daughter. Most kids get funny when they are 12, it's the hormones, they really can't help it. You must have had similar experiences of rebellion because you talk about getting pregnant young to a guy who didn't stick around. Young single mothers aren't always the best of teachers and often get things wrong. People say your a wonderful mother, well that's easy to say from afar, but they are not your family and they have never lived with you.I'm just struck by this picture you paint, of this girl who you don't approve of, who is probably a drug addict, and you her saintly mother who is perfect and has never ever done anything wrong.It's hell living with perfection. But I understand your deep need to retain control and self esteem after some of the things you've been through.A young single mother, born to an aged parent... not very ideal, because your views and your daughters views are bound to be extremely different. I also see that you have a problem with your daughter regarding discipline. Again, not unusual in your situation.Unfortunately, it's up to us parents to build a warm and welcoming home that our children want to come back to. Sometimes we can do that, sometimes we can't. You cannot force friendship on an adult. All you can do is wait, and hope that as she grows older she changes her mind.You have her address. Did she give it to you? A good place to start is to make sure you send money to your grandchild every single birthday, Christmas and holiday celebration. Money and a card is a regular way to keep up contact and to show your thinking of them and you care. Have you ever seen the child?I also think you should go to counselling, you don't need your daughter to be there, but it should help you deal with issues of loss and bereavement. Her father walked away, you don't mention your own dad, so he's either dead or missing, your mother is unwell and your daughter doesn't need you. That creates a lot of sadness in life. A counselor will allow you the space to talk about the difficult emotions that you are feeling inside and probably denying.By the way, what relationship did she have with her grandmother? I can understand why she may feel she has to cut you off, but did her and her grandmother not have a good relationship?You do the best you can do, she's a mother now and she will find out the hard way that life is not easy. I don't believe in giving up, not with family. You keep sending them cards so she will always know that you are there, you care and will love her until the day you die.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (23 April 2011):
if you know the father
try to contact him or his parents...infact contacting his parents is better because they would understand your feelings
and to be honest with you
she is 20 now and i believe within the very few coming years she well regret and come back to you,
finally
did you spoil her,or did your mom spoil her because she didnt have a present father ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): I have an angry son who is now 55. I have tried and tried to get some type of decent communication with him. He's angry, jealous of his brothers and a sister, of my grandkids, etc. It's the same old record. He has always been a heartbreaker! He likes it that way, I think. I have given up and will not contact him again -even tho we live within a few miles of one another. I have a delightful daughter, a couple of fun grandkids and am too old to live with heartache any longer. Good luck to you in trying to reconnect with your child.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (23 April 2011):
 Some people just cannot be helped either because they crave negative emotions or because they are impulsively resistant to positive ones. You were the best mother you could be to her, you can do no more than that, be proud that you fought for this.One day your daughter will see what she has done and the pain it has brought you, no matter how terrible a person is, how evil they are, there always comes a day of regret and remorse. At least your mother has you.This is just a suggestion and to be honest, considering what your daughter is like, it may not even work and she may not even give it a chance, but perhaps you can write her a letter, just expressing how you feel and what things used to be like, perhaps you could ask her why things changed, why she suddenly hates you though, don't expect an answer. If anything, it will at least help you deal with it, having expressed everything you need to. Good luck.I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): Unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do except give up trying to contact her. She's clearly not interested and it doesn't look like that's going to change drastically soon.Maybe when she's older (and wiser) she might make the decision to get in contact with you but until then it looks like any effort you make will simply be responded to with abuse.
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