A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My (common-law) wife and I have been together 14 years. Although I gave her an engaement ring 12 years ago, we never actually got married. We used to say we got along too well to be married, and had the attitude that if it wasn't broken, why fix it. Over 14 years we had less than half a dozen arguments, and enjoyed a very solid relationship, that even friends and family would notice and admire. Recently, we went through some difficult times. Stress at work, some family issues, and a few arguments, (which was very new to us, as our life together had been amazing 'til that point). I don't know if her stress and dramatic change in behaviour was caused by menopause, or if her feelings, due to the stress and arguments, had changed the way she was feeling about our relationship. She hinted that she now felt like she wanted to be a "free spirit", and may make travelling out of town alone a regular occurrance, (she attributed the travelling alone to a new career she was embarking on). I have to be honest, and admit a little insecurity set in, from this, and various other signs she gave me. One night, a few weeks ago, I suggested we actually get married. I reasoned that I knew I wanted to spend my life with her, and part of me wanted that reassurance from her that I was the one she still wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She agreed with my suggestion, and we agreed to go to city hall her first day off, which was in a few days time. The day before, she came up with a (fairly lame) excuse why it couldn't be the day we chose, and she bumped it to a couple of days later, a Friday, to which I agreed. The evening before, she told me of her plans to do something completely different on the Friday we were to get married, without even mentioning our original plan. I admit feeling hurt that the girl I've been with and in in love with seemed to be just sloughing off what I had thought was a most important and special day. (We are both in our late forties and both never married before). A day later, when I mentioned being hurt that she casually postponed getting married without a word or explanation, she said she was now feeling uneasy about getting married to me. After 14 years together, and calling ourselves husband and wife, she wanted to take a giant leap backwards, and just be engaged. She wanted to be my fiance, rather than wife. What is that supposed to mean? When I asked her, she just got upset and changed the subject. What would you think if your husband or wife of many years wanted to change his or her status from "married" to engaged? Would you wonder, as I am? Would you feel unsure of their commitment, as I am tending to feel? I don't like feeling like I don't know where I stand anymore. She said she doesn't want to discuss the subject, as it is "in the past". As Steve Martin would say "Well, Excuuuuuse meee". I feel like I deserve a better explanation, especially after considering her my wife for 14 years. (I can't help wondering if this is her first step in ending the relationship completely eventually). How does one go from married for 14 years to engaged? I appreciate any reader's thoughts and opinions on this. Thank you.
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female
reader, Valyda  +, writes (18 April 2011):
I don't know but maybe this is a case of what people call middle age crisis. Apparently when women reach a certain age they take a look at their life and wonder if they have been missing out, it this is it? You know like she is getting older and wondering if could have gotten more out of life? A better job, a nicer home. Sometime men think everything is going well when it is far from the truth, and she's been with you long enough to know that certain thing won't change.Spice things up a bit maybe, break up the routine, do something new and exciting. Boredom kills! Not arguing doesn't define a great relationship.Start communicating differently than what you are used to, get her talking about how she feels and truly listen.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): Something is definitely going on. I would investigate more if I were you. Snoop if you have too. She has given you enough reason to do so.
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