A
male
age
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*ikeEa1
writes:I started dating this woman a few weeks ago. I found her very attractive and we seemed to sizzle together. We went out 6 times and I thought we were like 2 peas in a pod. On the last occasion we had a very long intimate session. We had planned a Friday night and Sunday together and she rang on Thursday and said she didn't fancy me because I wasn't Asian (I am Anglosaxon). Is this weird or was she just testing herself. Is she racist? Should I complain to someone? I am devestated. Can someone help? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (4 February 2011):
MikeEa1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone for all your advice. The lady is Anglosaxon and says she doesn't like people with white skin, and because she likes my eyes she went out with me anyway, but the skin was a deal breaker. Your advice has been really good. I guess I'll move on.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): It's just a preference. May be she tried and decided that after all, she's more attracted to asian guys.
I know latina who prefer on latino guys or white. Or white women who prefer only white guys and not asian guys or black guys. At least she's honest and not stringing you along.
I prefer asian women but as some posters have said, it's tricky. Again, not being racist. Just a preference. They (at least the ones educated/from good families) make you work harder but also very rewarding as relationship material.
I'm sorry it happens to you but at least she's honest. Rest assured it's hard for her to say what she said as well--the Asian culture hates conflicts and disappointment in personal relationships--I'm sure she said it with some pain on her part.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): How young is she?
Is she a first generation asian in your country?
Asian parents are not shy about telling their children which sort of person is an acceptable mate; the only acceptable mate being another asian, preferably of your social class and religion.
Anyone else if off limits.
She's probably internalized that attitude to some degree.
When you heard what she said, it probably stung and you took it personally. To her, she's probably stating what seems to her as an obvious truth and boundary.
She might like you, but she may not want to consider a non-asian as serious mate.
And I have to disagree with the male anon w/ the 20 japanese girlfriends:
She probably fancies you and is attracted to you.
I don't think it's a matter of attraction between you and her, it's matter of how significant a partner she will allow you to become.
It sounds like she doesn't want to make any kind of public commitment to you because of her family.
I wouldn't take her statement as a racist slur against you so much as I would take it as a marker of her social limits.
Does this mean she shallow and narrow minded?
Perhaps.
Are you the sort of man who tends towards asian women in general?
I ask because she may sense this and assume you think she's just another variation to you in your "asian fetish." Some women avoid these sorts of men, or at least don't take them very seriously.
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (4 February 2011):
 I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like she was attracted to you. I wanted to add one more thing to the wonderful advice you've received already.
Assuming this woman is Asian, perhaps, her family and friends prefer that she marry someone within her own race. Personally, I find this to be narrow minded and racist, but it's not uncommon. How old is this woman? Given your age, I would assume she is old enough to make her own decisions without being influenced by her family or peers, but I may be wrong.
As someone else pointed out, she may be using this as a way of letting you down easy. Or, she may find Asians more attractive. The only way to find out, is to ask her why your race makes a difference.
Let us know what happens! Good luck!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): I'll try to throw a little perspective here from the other side.I'm a caucasian male in my mid 20s. I find asian women to be extremely attractive and sexy, and over the past five years I've dated more than 20 Japanese girls (I live in Japan, you see).Recently, I went out with another caucasian woman on a few dates. She and I have known each other for many years. We really connect well and have a lot in common. After one of our dates, we went back her her place and started to get more intimate... but I had some trouble. I didn't find her sexually attractive! I tried, but I ended up not being interested and got in the very awkward "it happens to all of us at some point...." situations.I was kind of disappointed with myself; I felt really shallow. But in the end I remembered: a person really can't control what excites him or her. Is it fair? No, not at all. But it's something that can't be helped.In my case: I thought even though this woman was different from my usual type she could make up for it with her amazing personality. But after trying I realized that it wasn't going to be enough. Perhaps the woman you were seeing felt the same way. She recognized that you're a great guy and thought that could be enough, but in the end the physical attraction she gets from asians wasn't there and she had to call it off.But you really shouldn't be disappointed. She was honest with you about it, despite knowing that it wouldn't make her look too good... I wasn't able to do the same. I just told the girl I was seeing some lame excuse about not needing a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): Just to add, you should see the positives in this. You managed to get a girl who isn't attracted to guys of your race to go out with you 6 times, so you must have some great qualities if you were able to keep her interested that long.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): Is she Asian? Because if she is then that can make sense. A lot of people don't find other races attractive.
I'm white and the majority of my friends are too, I know a few that just aren't attracted to women of a different race. It's not being racist there's just no attraction there.
They don't dislike or treat non white woman any differently at all it's just sexual preference.
I also know guys that aren't attracted to fat women, some who aren't attracted to short women, some who won't date women with short hair. You can't help who you're attracted to or why.
I wouldn't be so worked up about it if I were you. That's actually one of the nicer reasons she's not attracted to you if you know what I mean. I was told I wasn't attractive when I was chubby by one girl, that was a pain in the ass I can tell you. I have a bald friend who gets that a lot because of his lack of hair, also a pain.
It sucks but you'll just have to get over it, no big deal. You're in your 50's now this can't have been the first woman to reject you in your lifetime. It happens, move on. Going mad about it isn't going to change it, it would have been nicer if she said that on the first date though instead of stringing you along.
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reader, Denise32 +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Yes, I can well imagine that you are shocked and very disappointed.
You have only been dating a very short time, and possibly she might have felt things were moving much too fast. PERHAPS she didn't know what else to say to you to slow it down, and so she came up with the You're not Asian, therefore.....sort of comment.
I don't see what good complaining to someone would do. Who would you complain to anyway? But of course you can come here and vent.
Again, I'm sorry.......
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reader, serenity80  +, writes (4 February 2011):
As of yet it is not racist to not be sexually attracted to someone of a different race to your own.
It's a bit brutally honest of her to say it was down to your race, she could have just said she didn't feel any chemistry! Put this one down to experience, don't take it personally and you'll get over your devastation and you'll find someone who likes you just the way you are.
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