A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:so i've been dating this guy for only about 3 months. everything was great i thought, however he had some difficulties having sex. it only happened a few times but i guess it drove him crazy, and now he says he can't do this anymore because it's all he thinks about. he thinks about it when he's with me and whenever he thinks about me and it's even interferring with work. he even went to see a family friend psychologist who suggested waiting 3 months before anything sexual, but he still thinks about it constantly.i'm really crazy about this guy and we have a lot of fun together. i tried talking him into trying to fix it and just trying it again, but he says he doesn't know if he can handle it happening again. is there anything i can say or do to get this guy back? it just seems like an issue that we should be able to work out, but either of us know how. Reply to this Question |
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell thank you. he's going to a conference this week so he'll have a lot of time to think about me haha. hopefully he'll pull his head out of his ass and change his mind.
A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (25 March 2008):
 You know, I'm pretty convinced he's had this problem before- I got a wierd feeling about all the hooplah rushing to see a family therapist like it was some new thing. I doubt it- this isn't about you- I think this is something that keeps happening and he knows the outcome but too embarrassed to fix it.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (25 March 2008):
Hmmmm...I don't think there is much you can do with a person who doesn't want to anything- even for himself!! I'm sorry for that. I'm also starting to think my first hunch was right- there is something deeper going on here that he doesn't want to share. I'm sorry. You can't do much with someone not willing to do anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionouch i was going to say! haha. yeah.. he basically said that this is bothering him so much that it's all he thinks about when he's with me and he doesn't know what he would do if it happened again. so now he'd rather just not be with me than try to work on it... we get along very well and have so much fun together but this is the only issue. apparently it was bothering him more than i knew. i told him we could try to work on it and do whatever it takes but he wasn't willing to try. i'm hoping that he realizes what a stupid choice he's making! any suggestions?
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female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (24 March 2008):
So this doctor of yours, is he not wanting to be with you because of this? He's not wanting to work on it? What exactly happened.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (24 March 2008):
VERY SORRY- I was answering a different question and got locked out so I had to copy and paste- ignore that!
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (24 March 2008):
I would say zero chance for the type of relationship you want. I'm sure there's a chance you can manipulate the situation or go the extra mile to be indispensable to him in some way but then it would just be a parasitic type relationship, pathetic as that is. Why are you selling yourself to the lowest bidder is the question you should be asking yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso what are the chances you think he'll come back to me?
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (22 March 2008):
OH!!!! I see....lol. He's probably just nervous if you know for sure he doesn't have some sort of pre-existing problem. I think it will just be a matter of getting used to one another and taking the time to just relax around each other without the pressure to perform. He may be in love with you and putting tremendous pressure on himself to please you. I would take it slow and go at his pace. Let him know that you love being with him regardless of sex right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno.. he's not unstable. he's a doctor himself actually. he just had some difficulties keeping it up a few times and took it pretty personally. he insists that it has nothing to do with me and i believe him.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (22 March 2008):
This sounds very strange to me that he would freak out over this to the point he saw a professional. Is he unstable or have a mental disorder? If he's your age, I don't see why having sex with your girlfriend should lead you to seek professional help unless he's had some major issues in the past like breakdowns, stalking, sex addiction...There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist, are you sure this isn't his regular therapist? That would almost make more sense. Usually if people are nervous or just a bit uncertain, they seek the advice of other peers like you're doing, not scheduling an appointment with a doctor unless it's really out of control.
I can understand not wanting to have sex in the first few months of the relationship in order to take things slow but he could have just said that, it shouldn't need to be discussed with a therapist. I think you may be in the dark about a few things so I would ask him some questions about how he handled his last relationship(s). I would also do this in a non-judgmental way because if he does have some sort of problem, it doesn't mean you can't have a good relationship, but I think you need to know.
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