A
male
age
26-29,
*ostro118
writes:I've been married for almost a year and I am so miserable. I try so hard to keep my wife happy and I know she is so happy. Before she meet me is was just living and not happy, she is like a new person. I made a connection with her straight away and in fact I would spend all my free time with her. I was happy then and I am not happy now.I know the cause of the problem is the lack of intimacy, actually not even that but the lack of sex. I can't take it anymore, it’s like sex every other day however I would like it at least twice a day! I have talked to her and don’t really do anything about it. I am thinking of leaving her, I hate the way she makes me feel. All the rejection and misery she has caused me, in fact she has even hit me a few times! On the surface we look happy but I'm dying inside. I really can't take this anymore, I could do with some sound advice. Reply to this Question |
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): As someone mentioned, for many people 3x a week sounds a lot. I was married for sometime and for us it was daily and nightly at least 1x often 2x and more a day. I thought this was normal. It was my husband's desire for the most part and it didn't change for 13 years! Only after hearing other couple complain or look forward to their once a week or once a month 'nookey' did I realize that some couples had sex much less than we were. Soooo people have different needs. I didn't refuse my husband often only when I didn't well or was extremely tired but I have to admit I often had sex to please him when I myself was not aroused. Despite our active sex life eventually we divorced ... why??? Because sex does not mean closeness. We lost communication , sharing our days or being interested in eachothers days we focused on work and saving for the future and put off taking walks, dancing and just romancing one another. That stuff is really the stuff that makes a marriage last. Discuss the frequency of sex that would please you both but remember it is the intimacy and sharing that really makes a happy marriage. So go out date spend time you will enjoy her as a person more and she will be more open to increasing sexual activity. You are in the honeymoon stage so it may be hard for you to accept now but At points in life people's libido's drop due to work, stress whatever so whilst 3x a week seems really nothing to you now at some point in your life it will be the ideal :D
A
female
reader, bitterblue  + ♥, writes (27 August 2009):
 Let's see, one problem at a time. She probably doesn't see "all the rejection and misery she has caused me" as you put it. Why don't you discuss about your sex rhythms, each of you trying to understand the other's points in a civilised fashion? Icelordess and q have given you great answers. Let's make this clear, for a start, sex once every other day is not "lack of sex". For her this may be just sufficient and suggesting that it's "zero sex, nothing, never" would make her feel you don't appreciate it at all. Agree to a number of times that don't put too much pressure on her either, let's say 3 or 4 times per week. Meanwhile you could maybe occupy your time together in other ways, for example having dinner at a restaurant once a week or like Icelordess suggests, dating again.If the way she rejects you is the biggest problem, injuring your feelings and ego, tell her that and ask her to be more considerate of your feelings and in which way you see that happening. Now, her need for sex (smaller than yours...) you must understand has nothing to do with the way you look, or weigh or how much she is attracted to you and loves you, it's just that, her libido and you can't let yourself be put down so easily. It's even quite common for one partner to have a higher libido than the other. Try to also make it up in other ways, as you have been advised.With your update a new factor comes to light, apart from the glitches in your sex life. She is demanding, seems controlling, maybe signs of insecurity from her part, why could this be? This might not be easy to fix. Maybe because you don't feel completely satisfied with your sex life she understands you are not satisfied with anything else? Help her see the light. Remind yourselves what things you do still like about each other, all problems aside. You must also talk about how this makes you feel and agree for her to loosen up on the control but you see? She may feel pushed too if you go the wrong way about wanting to have more sex. She shouldn't feel pressurised. Let's be reasonable.I also hope you haven't reached that point where you shout over the phone at each other when she calls to check when you come home or that... "going out for too long" as you say doesn't mean you come home after midnight on a daily basis. Respecting the other and understanding the other's limits, enforcing some rules in regard to these two aspects after analysing how they are treated in your marriage, in which cases and how they are breached... these are things you should pay much attention to.Could you think... anything that is worth saving here? You only have been married for a year and all marriages have ups and downs. You say she wasn't happy before she married you, but that she is now, are you sure about that and what can you say about her that is positive, that makes you happy? Something that can help you look forward to solving these problems you have rather than abandoning the marriage so easily, at the first dwindles? Ask her this question, as well. A small connection I see between being controlling and sex life. Really, if she is the worried type, gets upset easily over the slighest of things, this can also get in the way of her libido, so while you show her you respect her choices in life and the way she spends her time, try to add some humour in, to get her to loosen up, to feel more free and detached and careless. How long since the last time you danced together? Don't forget to think also of you and your possible mistakes, it's two in a marriage after all! Nevertheless the key here I think is that you find a way to have and show respect for the other and his/her limits and find a way to work around that. All the best.
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A
male
reader, q1605  +, writes (27 August 2009):
 About this imbalance of sex thing. Don't take this personally but...when you guys have sex, do you get her to the " promised land" as it were? A lot of women would put out a lot more if they got there. What if every time you had sex you got half way there and then got stranded. Women don't stand up and demand their half of a sexual encounter so we don't always know they are not quite getting theirs. Ask her and don't take her first answer if it comes too quick and easy.
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A
male
reader, vostro118 +, writes (27 August 2009):
vostro118 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI give her space, I never go around demanding the stuff. The thing is its hard getting space from her, she goes nuts it I go out for too long or don't call when she at her mothers.
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A
female
reader, icelordess + ♥, writes (27 August 2009):
 Definitely a matter of opinion about the sex...God, if I had sex 3X a week, I'd consider myself in heaven! Try once every 4 months!! SEE?!! Your wife and you obviously have very different opinions about what is enough, or not enough. Why not try talking about it? Have you lost your love for her? Or just frustrated? Why not try having "dates"..you know, just go out for dinner, or a walk, or a movie, try to rekindle the times before marriage when you were happy, and it was exciting just to be together. Closeness & sex do not necessarily go hand in hand. You've only been married a year and already you want to throw in the towel? Is it truly that bad? Perhaps a marriage counselor could help.
Agreed..hitting is not a good thing. Not nice at all..WHY is she hitting you? This is something that needs to be addressed IMMEDIATELY. I like q1605's response, but seriously..why is she hitting you and with what? That shows lack of respect and I don't blame you abit for being upset about that.
If you two can't work things out, I strongly suggest counselling...please consider it. For both of your sakes. Good luck..I sure hope you can work things out.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (27 August 2009):
Sex every other day is not a barren lifeless amount of sex. In fact for a lot of folks it's fairly active. Have you heard about the couple at the marriage councilor. He interviews them separately to get a feel for things. He asks the woman how many times a week they have sex. My god, she says. He is relentless. I can't bend over to take biscuits out of the oven without him coming at me from behind. The crack of dawn is not safe around that man. I would say we do it at least three times a week. I can't live like this.
He gets the husband in. How many? Never. I might as well live in anarctica. Sometimes I might get lucky and get it three times a week. I can't live like this.
It's a matter of perspective. I wonder about this hitting thing. If she is using a rolled up newspaper and whacking you on the nose when you come sniffing around back off and give her some room.
You haven't been married a year yet. Neither of you have defined the role you will be playing in this marriage yet. Not long term. Give it and her a break and settle the f down.
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