A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for approx 4 yrs and i now have a 2yr old daughter as a result of this, i have left her father and about 5 months ago i met a guy 4 yrs younger than i and it has been fantastic!! however, my past is impacting greatly on my current relationship since being with my patner he has given me the courage to stand up against my ex i now have a violence restraining order for both myself and my daughter and i am in the process of trying to get sole custody. although now my partner and i argue quite a lot about it, about what i went through, why i stayed for so long etc. i just want to know if there's anything we can do to resolve this and move on with our relationship? i've never been this with someone before and he feels the same way, this is the only thing that is an issue in our relationship and its tearing us apart already.please please help me.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 He does not know, he cannot know. If he has never been in your position, he will never understand why you stayed for so long. He will never understand why so many women remain in abusive relationships, their hearts racing with fear. Too afraid are some to stand up to their abusers and leave, some are even blinded with delusional hope that perhaps their abusers will change, either way, it hurts. You cannot change what has happened but I do not understand why it should affect you now. This is a new relationship, this is a new life, do not stain it by bringing the abuse into it.
Perhaps you could try showing him what I have written. But he should be more considerate of you anyway, knowing what you had gone through, he should be kinder to you, he should be trying to give you peace. What does it matter what happened in the past? How will knowing affect your relationship? Does he not know that the best thing to do right now is help you forget? Sit him down and ask that you two have a final conversation about this, peacefully.
I hope that helps.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 You have gone through something very difficult, something that, mercifully, few people have had to endure. So your boyfriend doesn't have any reference points -- to him it's all cut and dried; you should have run at the first signs. Very few men understand abusive relationships. So take him to counselling, preferably at a women's shelter, so that he can begin to understand what you've gone through and how most women react to something so awful and unexpected. He sounds like a good guy, just uninformed, as most of us are. Once he's exposed to the counsellors who deal with this stuff all the time, he will become a support, rather than a critic.
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