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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife of 20 years has decided to leave. First of all it was just a separation to think things over but after only 3 weeks she says it's the end. I am heart broken as I love her dearly. We both agreed we had been taking each other for granted and I didn't show much love which I obviously regret now. To make things more complicated we own a business together so we see each other every day. She wasn't want to talk about it or seek help, there is no one else involved. This is eating me away. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): You need to buy time. Right now you have had your heart ripped out and it hurts like mad. You have to try and make her reconsider - try pointing out that you have had many good years together and it would be a shame to throw all that away. If that doesn't work then tell her you accept her decision. It's good that you are accepting that you have done some things wrong, it shows that you are willing to look at changing yourself, which you will need to do in order for your marriage to have a chance. Once she realises you have accepted it's over (and you are not in conflict then), you ask her to discuss what went wrong, you tell her that you realise you made mistakes and you want to understand these so that you don't make the same ones again. Tell her that you accept that your relationship is over, but in your next one you want things to be better. In this way, you get her to discuss the problems and you have more chance of being able to address them. At the moment all she is saying is "I want out" but she isn't giving you her reasons. She will have been unhappy for some time, and she's not thinking clearly now, and sees divorce as the only option. Your task is to try and make her see some alternatives. if she won't attend councilling then you go alone to get some advice on how to deal with this.
Take it slow and easy, and don't think that anything she says right now is gospel. Just because she says it's over doesn't mean it has to end. Have a look round on the internet - there are a lot of good sites dedicated to saving your marriage.
This will be an emotional rollacoaster for you, so remember to take some time out for yourself too. Find a trusted friend you can confide in and who you can go out with - anything, cinema, sport, something you enjoy. You have more chance of attracting your wife back if you appear to be having fun.
As you work together it does make it harder, so you will need to discuss your working relationship. I would tell her that during work hours you will not ask her about your relationship - you need to make her feel comfortable. Then stick to this.
I wish you all the luck in the world wih this, I have been through this and after 2-3 months my husband and I are just about ready to talk it over and look at getting back together.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2005): Hi beenthere,Professional advice is something I have suggested on several occasions but she simply is not willing to even think about it. You are right, 20 years is a long time to throw away but if she refuses advice my hands are tied.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2005): My heart goes out to you on your pain & loss over to your marriage break up. How does one fix the irrepairable, or the disappeared? You don’t, dear...it takes two people to love and if she's not willing to make it work, but you can't do it on your own. There are things that cannot be fixed. Instead, they must be cried over, mourned and accepted. You can only start afresh and start healing, on your own. If you still want another shot, be honest with her about your feelings and see what happens. But...if she is certain that she does not want to continue this relationship, accept that and move on. Not what you wanted to hear, but it's reality and you must muster up the strength to carry on without her. Sorry. Good Luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (8 November 2005):
 I'm so sorry this has happened. Maybe she will change her mind after more time goes by. But if she won't go get counseling then you go just to help with the grief if not anything else. You'll feel better for it, really. She may come around if you just give her as much space as you can which will be difficult considering you work together. Best of luck, guy!
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (8 November 2005):
ask her to get help with you. you know the mistakes you made. you need professional advice on how to improve things. tell your wife you still love her and you want to give it another go. 20 years is a lot to throw away for the sake of a couple of hours counselling
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