A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This situation is tearing me up inside, and I can't stop grieving. Please help me.I'm originally from USA but recently moved to another country, and I've been feeling profoundly sad because one of my friends has fallen away from me, and he's said things that imply that I'm to blame for all of this.He used to invite me to do things, but lately I've been feeling shut out. He does things with other friends, and I've been left out lately, but I invitably hear about it and the shut out feeling that it causes continues to hurt me. I wish that he would invite me to do stuff, like he used to and that we could have a closer friendship but nothing I do seems to work and I feel like I've failed.He's told me that I worry too much and that I come across as nervous and create a barrier that pushes people away, even though I'm not aware of it. He's told me that I need to change this is I want to cultivate a deeper friendship. I think... why would you put conditions on friendships? Even if people should, and can change for the better...When he says these things, though, it just makes me feel more anxiety and concern. I keep thinking about the things he said, about how I push people away... how can that be possible when I would like to cultivate close friendships? If anyone else had said this, I would wonder if they were playing mind games with me! How can I subconsciously not want to have friends and not be aware of it?The other day, he accused me of being rude, in front of another friend. When I tried to explain that I didn't mean to be, he said something like, "We know now that's your nature, you're rude and inconsiderate." When I told him, "you KNOW that isn't true..." he accused me of being annoying.He's always acting loving and caring towards this particular friend, right under my nose. Whenever she comes to visit him, and I'm there, he'll always say things to emphasize how special she is to him... and then he'll be cold to me! For example, the other day they were making dinner, and he told me, "Here's a plate for you. You know, it was Amy's (NOT her real name btw)idea to fix this for you. I wasn't going to invite you." The day that he accused me of being rude and annoying, he immediately "made over" Amy. I don't understand WHY he would say things to make me feel jealous of Amy, but some of the things he said would provoke jealousy in a lot of people, how can he not realize that?He tells me that I'm difficult and he regretted inviting me to do things in the past... but I was really upset with the way he treated me! Example: I went to a party with him and several other friends... it was late (about 3 in the morning) and a taxi was coming to get me. There was no one around outside and I didn't want to wait alone (I was carrying my guitar, which is really valuable to me!) and I asked him if he would wait with me. He didn't seem to mind, but the other day he brought that up and said that I was acting like I couldn't take care of myself. I'm thinking.. it was late... there was nobody around... I was carrying something of value... who would wanna be alone? I see this particular friend quite often... I thought we were going to be really good friends and part of me feels overcome with guilt, wondering what I did to spoil everything... and part of me is upset because I don't like how he's treated me. My heart won't stop hurting. I have other friends whom I love dearly, with my whole heart actually, who have treated me a lot better, but my heart hurts so much that it's torturing me. I miss spending time with him, and being invited to do stuff... he's made me feel really bad about myself. Why has he treated me this way?Aunts... from your vantage point... am I to blame? Is it ruined beyond repair? My heart hurts so much that it's torturing me!Thank you if you can help me... Happy Easter, by the way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): Thanks rcn! I´m the original poster. I`m sorry... I really should have been more specific.When he said that I was rude, he wasn`t just referring to one specific incident... he said that I have a rude nature and that I'm consistently impolite!Actually, I live with this friend right now (it's platonic, I was never romantically involved with him, am not, most likely never will be). He brought Amy a friend or girlfriend, I'm not sure)... I greeted my friend with a hug, like I always do, but I didn't hug her. I greeted them both but he accused me of not speaking to her and said that it was rude of me to greet him with a hug if I wasn't gonna hug her too. He lectured me about how rude my behavior was, right in front of her.She acts nice to me but I suspect that she doesn't want me to be friends with him. It's not fair for me to accuse her without knowing all the facts, but I have a feeling that she doesn't like me. I could be wrong, though, I have misjudged people before. But... he used to spend time with me, and do things with me that I really enjoyed (like playing music) and now he says that isn't a priority anymore. He said that my comment was annoying, but it absolutely crushed me... I care about him as a friend and he made me feel like he never enjoys my company!Some of the things he says to me when Amy is around are things that would provoke jealousy in most people, but WHY would he want me to feel jealous? I know I`ve said this before, but this really makes my heart hurt.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 April 2011):
 It sounds like your friend has a problem. Although, if I were to see if there is something from your end, you didn't provide enough information. You said, he stated you were rude. How? You only made that statement. We can't see if that would be considered rude and how it may, if you didn't tell what led up to it and what was said. From how this was written, It looks as if he's just a not nice person and someone I'd recommend staying clear from in the first place. I'd be happy to look at it further, but you have to reply with some details. It needs to be a, I showed up, he did this, I said this, kind of thing, then I'd be happy to go on and answer further for you. Take care.
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