A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'v been married for 27 years which has been good but with the normal up and downs you get. My wife told me she does not love me any more and wants to live apart. We have adult children, both live away from home and they do not know of the situation, in fact none of the family know. Until she told me I had no idear that it was that bad as she has kept it all to herself and is very determent she will leave. I love her so much it hurts but she rejects everything I try to reverse this situation. I just don't know what to do any more, can anyone help ? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers Lads , I know that we had driffted apart due mainly to me changing my job. I was a 9-5 man working only monday to friday not at weekends but my new job is totaly different as I now work shifts and weekends. I thought it complimented or relationship but as it turns out maybe not. She on the other hand works in the same place but with more responablities and works more than she is paid for (goes in early and home late), she is also completing a degree coarse at home, so has had no time for "US" for some time. I never minded so much but it did mean the only time we had together each day was in bed at night, the two minutes that she was awake before falling straight off to sleep. I will look back and try to find the things we had in common that made us fall inlove. Thanks again.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (18 September 2007):
 Some people drift apart, it's sad to say, but it happens. I don't know how to change your situation, because I don't personally know you or her. I will tell you how this happens, so if you can save it, this might help you keep it.
We tend to treat our relationships as being familiar to us. We stop doing some of the things that the person love in us in the first place. What changes that is becoming too comfortable in life and what we have. Let's say, for example, your wife loves the fact you put the toilet seat down every time. Then you start leaving it up about once every few months. She says no big deal, then becomes comfortable and adjusts. Then slowly you start leaving it up more and more, but each time it's a slight change from the last. Slight changes are easy to become comfortable with and adjust to the new. The problem lies in how many slight changes happen. How long does it take for our brains to notice these changes have happened, and this person changed what I fell in love with the first place.
Another problem we have is: During the courting phase, we touch on 3 different areas. We touch our partner the way they like to be, we talk to them and say things they love to hear, and we show them love by taking them somewhere special or buying them a gift. People only feel really loved 1 of the 3 different ways. Each person is different. You may be different than you wife as far as how you really feel loved. The issue lies again in getting comfortable. What we start doing is showing them love by how we personally feel loved, when the way we feel it may be completely opposite from how they do.
Over that many years think back to places in time and what you were doing at times where is seemed as if she was going to melt in your arms. If you pin point on that, and get this to work out. Just keep repeating that action over and over and over again, and she will always feel real love by you.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (18 September 2007):
 Obviously there were some things being left unsaid. Im sure if you reflect on the past a little more you will see some hints as to how your marriage got to this point. Werent there some conversations, arguments or ongoing problems?
I believe you need to get down to what caused all this before you can start trying to change the direction your marriage is headed. Try to do this on your own first and even seek some individual counseling. Try to get your wife to participate in marriage counseling as well and try get the issues out into the light of day.
It may seem like a tangent but bear with me...
Peter Gabriel wrote a really great song called "diggin in the dirt". Its all about uncovering the things we shoved aside for years that cause problems in our lives. I listened to that song many many times when I was trying to unravel the problems I had in a relationship. Maybe you relate better to Bach, but I think you get my point.
Best wishes on the work you have ahead of you.
Duce
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