A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not going to lie, this is long. But for those who read it and offer advice, thank you. :-)My wife usually has a negative outlook on things, usually I am able to provide advice she takes, considers, and most of the time when I tell her everything will work out, she believes it. Also usually when she vents and I listen this helps her out too. Well, she is a health care specialist, and she told me the frustrations she has with feeling no confidence in her medical skills. I listened, and told her that I've seen her work and that she did great, but turned this around in saying I've only seen her work at certain times, and that she is in fact a horrible medic. So I agreed in that I don't see her work alot, and that I understood why she would want to change her career choice, that I would support her decision. I told her to think deeply about it though, because we all occasionally get frustrated with our jobs and sometimes we want to make haste decisions. So I told her to make sure that's what she really wants, because she was so passionate about becoming a nurse. Well she said there's no point if she sucks at her job, and is stupid. I of course said she wasn't stupid, and we went back and forth alot like this. I was honest with everything I said but I would try to adapt to what she was telling me and offer new advice, but she would just turn it down and say there was no point, that she would become a waitress, which I know she doesn't mean, she gets sarcastic when she's upset. Well, the last thing I told her was, everything would work out, we'll find out what to do, and I'm sure shell find something else she likes if she isn't willing to retrain. Her last words... keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better, but in reality it wont work out. We parted with the I Love you and of course we make it a priority to end on a good note... but... what do I do? Most of the time I can help, but she is very negative and sometimes no matter what I try to help her feel better, it just gets thrown right back at my face. What would have been the proper thing to say at this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did speak from the heart though, she has wanted to be an RN since she can remember, anyway, thanks for the advice, it's been worked out, shes going continue in the medical field. A few other people basically told her the same things I did, but she told me she needed to hear it from someone else because as you ladies and gentlemen told me, she thought I was just being nice and was giving her cliche' husband responses.
To clerify a few things, I am in the same field of work.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): Speak from the HEART, not to please her EARS.
Sounds like your treading on eggshells. Change the way you respond to her, and she will have to change her behaviour accordingly.
God bless
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your kind words. I did go the route though of agreeing with her but that made her more pessimistic (sp?)
Anyway, I went on monster.com, and search up every available thing I could find on people skills, as she is great with people, then for medical side, I search up veterinary jobs because she loves animals, the list is about 4 pages long. When she comes home later today I'm going to present her this list of all job opportunities in the things she proclaims she is good at. People skills, plus, she loves animals. If any of you recommend against this, please say so.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): I think it's because you keep reassuirng her all the time. So this time she finds it hard to believe particularly because she knows that you don't know her work and it seems clear to her you'll just be apologetic towards her all the time just top make her feel better.
You need to be a bit more pragmatic and natural for your responses. You need to bring a bit more of some of that 'reality' when you speak to her, even while you comfort her she needs to have the sense of feeling that you are understanding all possibiies, both positive and negative.
Let's face it no-one likes to feel patronised because it makes you feel like a child. Speak to her about what's going on at work, what mistakes she did and why they are mistakes, make an effort to understand her profession and consider her mistakes in that context and be 'truthful' about it with your opinion. You need to start doing things like this a lot more, give measured assurances.
I understand you love her, but think of it from her point of view, a person who keeps telling her the positive all the time and seemingly holding back on opinons is like having a relationship with a doll. She needs to feel that you are a real person willing to compromise talk and understand with honesty and reality.
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A
female
reader, for_a_reason  +, writes (24 October 2008):
 This woman sounds like me! Some women are just generally very negative and need to be fed compliments and told time and time again that they're good at what they do, or that they're beautiful when they think they're not. It's an insecurity sort of... mechanism that a lot of women have. We're stubborn, and if we're in that negative mood - you can argue away and try to make us see sense - but it probably won't happen.
When I get like this, my boyfriend does the same thing you do - tries and tries to make me see sense, and sometimes I do. When I don't, he either backs off or he takes the tough love approach and agrees with me.
Try agreeing with her - even if you don't really. When you just say, "Stop it, you're being silly - you're awesome at what you do," it sounds like a generic husband answer. You know, you have to say that - you love her. Next time sit down and listen to what she has to say rather than letting it turn into an argument.
Talk about ways she can improve - or what she can do to start a new job, she's obviously unhappy with it. What does she really want to do?
Ask her why she feels she's no good at her job. Listen to her, don't interject and disagree.
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