A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:My Uncle has cancer. It is a tumour at the back of his throat and he has already started radiology. The doctor says that he will have radiology and chemo and if it doesnt work he will have to have his voicebox removed. His doctor told him to stop smoking, which my uncle has ignored. I am angry at him for this. I do understand that he has been smoking a long time, and normally i wouldnt hassle anyone to stop. Most of my relatives smoke you see. I also know that its no use shutting the stable door once the horse has bolted and maybe stopping wouldnt matter, but it would to us, his family and my cousin, his daughter.My cousin has been through so much and i keep thinking my uncle is being very selfish. My cousins grandparents died when she was young on her mothers side and then my auntie, her mum commited suicide a few years back, which obviously devastated my cousin.So i am thinking more of her and how it will affect her too. She was angry with him in the first place because when he found out, he didnt tell her until many hours afterwards and my mum had to rush down to console her.My mum also smokes, my uncle's sister, and their auntie asked whether it had scared her. My mum said no. So then she asked me if i was scared for mum and i said no, because i knew my mum would never give up.I don't think i have any right to be angry at my uncle. But i do at my mum. But whatever any of us say, me, my cousin, my dad, and the rest of the family, my uncle nor my mum will stop smoking.I would have thought this was a wake up call, but obviously not.I am just so angry i just wanted to post this and see if any of you think i am over-reacting.Thanks for reading x
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female
reader, baby duck  + ♥, writes (6 October 2007):
 I am not in a position to tell you if you are over-reacting. I do want to remind you that feelings are not good or bad, they just 'are'. Some feel good, some don't, so we can logically label them as positive, negative, uncomfortable, etc. Even though you cannot 'change' your feelings, you can affect them by changing your thoughts and beliefs. You can also learn how to release them so that they don't get 'stuck'. So, if you are mad at your uncle, your mom, etc, don't try to tell yourself that you have no right to be. You are applying logic to feelings and it does not work. Accept your uncomfortable feelings and then look to your beliefs and thoughts to see how they affect those feelings. Then, if you choose, you can change your beliefs and thougts.
When my mom-in-law's cancer came back, five years after *beating* it, and having never stopped smoking, I was devastated. She was not sure she wanted to fight it a second time. I understood all of this with my mind, but the thought of losing her was so heart-breaking, I did not want to accept that it was her decision to make. After a few days of crying about it, I accepted that it was her life to do with it as she chose. She did fight with treatment. She did not stop smoking until the cancer spread to her lungs and made it difficult to breathe. She died three years later. All very heart-breaking. I am an ex-smoker. I do understand what it's like to know why to quit, but not want to.
The thing is, as heart-breaking as it is to think about how all of this affects so many people, in the end, we all have to make our own choices. So, (1)don't be hard on yourself for your conflicted feelings, (2)understand and accept that this is your uncle's and your mother's choices, even if they do not align with what you believe to be loving or fair, (3)remember this so that when your choices contribute to another person's pain, you might feel empathy for them, even when you have every right to make your own choice.
I have not given you much in this post. I hope you come away from it, though, accepting that your feelings are justified but that as painful as it is, we all have to make our own choices. We hope that your uncle's love for his daughter will motivate him to quit, but you have to accept that love alone may not be enough.
A
female
reader, Agony-Hannah +, writes (6 October 2007):
No Way!I totally agree with you.And hey, take it easy on yourself too! It's not just your cousin who's been through a dodgy time. YOU lost an Aunty, when she lost a mother. It's nice to see you're caring about other people and not yourself. Have a word with your Uncle, but don't expect too much. Thanks :) xHope it helps.
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