A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hello :) I'm 15 turning 16 in 4 months time. I am currently having an intimate thing going on with this guy.. And we were actually boyfriend and girlfriend but then we decided to go back to being "friends" but nothing's change except the status. Anyways, my dad has this issue about dating at this age. He got pissed off when my cousin called up my bro to asked me if I wanted to join her and her friends and her boyfriend for this make-up event. Smtg like a make-up launch :) So I was about to ask when and where and my dad butted in and started saying "she's so wild" "don't hang out with her" "she has a boyfriend and I don't want her introducing boys to you" honestly I have a few close guy friends and like I was thinking to myself that true I'm just 15 going to be 16 but I'm not gonna be a little girl forever. My dad thinks like he's in charge of my decisions and has this Chinese stereotypical thinking that we girls shouldn't date til after college. It's like he wouldn't even let me go for a movie with a guy-friend. If the guy likes me, so be it. As long as I don't do anything bad. I am in year 11 and I keep up my grades. I'm not a genius but I work and do my very best everything I do in school. I've accomplished a lot during the course when I was dating this guy. So I'm just seeking advice on what I should do in this situation. I'm gonna be truthful here but I've lied a few times to my parents when I'm going with my friends. Like once I went shopping with my girl friend and went for a movie with my boyfriend when she left. But I told my parents that I was hanging out with my girl friend that day.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (28 September 2014):
 ... what WiseOldOwl said.....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2014): "I am currently having an intimate thing going on with this guy.."
Buy "intimate," do you imply that you were having sex? You want to use grown-up words, I hope you've used them in proper context. You returned to just friends? What element did you remove to redefine the relationship?
Since you were so ambiguous, let's assume you were being sexually-active. Otherwise; why would your father object?
When living with our parents, we are subject to their rules and we live by their traditions; because that gives us pride in our heritage. Parents usually decide when they think we're old enough to date; but that rule is sort of hard to enforce, when we have friends and attend school.
We have exposure to the outside world; so those outdated traditions may be the rules of the house, but they are not easily enforceable outside those walls. So they have to rely on but another of their antiquated traditions. Trust.
Believing their children do as they ask of them when they're not around. Throw that one out the window!
You owe your father respect for his wisdom and decisions.
You can put up a very intelligent and good argument for your disrespect and dishonor of his will. However; when you get yourself into trouble? Like most under-aged and rebellious adolescents do, you suddenly turn into weepy children. Your argument about double-standards and stereotypes was a good one. Lets see how good it stands up when you get yourself into trouble and get caught.
You think you are smart enough to out-think and fool your parents? Your parents know more about what you're up to than you think. They will pretend to be unaware until you slip. Or, they will hear things through other people and will wait and see just how far you'll go. You are willing to be deceitful, which is very dishonest and disrespectful; but I understand your side to it. It is part of growing up. Developing independent thought and forming your own philosophy to live by. Based on little experience and mostly what you've read or heard. Not what you know. You are willing to take risks, but unprepared to handle all the possible consequences. That's where they'll catch you, and rightfully impose their parental sanctions.
Most 15 year-old girls are more mature than 15 year-old boys. Even 25 year-old men! They will do whatever he wants them to do to make him happy, and to keep him around. Anything. Which includes sex. He isn't judged by society as she will be. You can preach to me all the evils of double-standards and you'll be preaching to the choir.
I happen to know that teenage pregnancies or the spread of STD's, particularly HIV among teens, is a regret many could have avoided. If they listened to the wisdom of their parents and other warnings. The world wasn't invented when you were born. It's millions of years old, and traditions are set for our protection and to create order. As ludicrous as they may seem when they don't let us do what we want to do. I'm all for letting teenagers be free to do as they please, as long as no one has to be punished for their mistakes but them. That isn't the case. Parents are punished for negligence and lack of proper control and guidance of their kids as long as they are legally minors.
Everybody judges parents for their kid's mistakes. The legal system, your teachers, religious leaders, society, neighbors, and your relatives. You get no blame. You're just a kid and don't know any better. You'll play that card too, if you get into trouble and want leniency.
Boys don't get pregnant, but they are very anxious to have sex. Once they get it, they are also anxious to move on to the next girl. Boys are willing to brag to all his friends about his experiences; and will not keep secrets as well as you can. So you'll get all embarrassed and suddenly you'll care about your "reputation" before it gets to some other boy you like. Who may follow old-traditions!
At 15, your judgement is very limited. These things don't exactly pop up as a concern, until they're actually a problem.
So, your father wants to protect you from these realities; but some children must learn the hard way.
They must make huge mistakes, then face the grave consequences. It will incur the anger of your parents and they will no doubt seriously punish you. Many smart-Alick teenagers have ended up on drugs and in legal trouble sneaking around behind their parent's backs. Getting caught-up in bad crowds and/or associated with trouble-makers. Soiling their own good reputations and family names. Their parents had no clue! They have to find out through others. That's when they become furious! When they are the last to know! When they know they taught you better!
Many teen girls are pregnant or psychologically-damaged; because they didn't like the "outdated rules/traditions," and did all they could to circumnavigate parental-control.
The parents of the boys rush to protect him and blame her for being so easy. They will make horrible accusations.
If a teenage girl by chance meets the wrong boy, she could end-up facing a policeman or judge for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. While their surprised parents face the humiliation. They may even have to pay fines. The whole household is disrupted. Talk about rules? Once your parents catch wind you were dating without permission; they'll lose their minds and go total gestapo! The worst thing ever is to break their trust! That's a poor reflection on you.
Sidestepping authority, not because it is unjust; but because you have no respect for your father's right to set rules as to when you should date. Necessary for your safety and protection. When even the principle of law says you are not allowed to make certain decisions without parental consent. You mock his pride of tradition and love for his daughter.
They are not stupid enough to think you're going to be a little girl forever; but they are not quite ready for you to become a mother either! Nor having to take you to the pediatrician to discover some boy gave you chlamydia or a yeast infection. What a way to find out your daughter is sexually-active!
Boys rarely stick around with girls who don't have sex.
The problem is, your parents are not the only ones traditional. Society as a whole may reinforce their way of thinking and hold them accountable when you disobey; and something you've done backfires and gets you into trouble.
Certainly, you are much wiser; and have much more worldly knowledge and experience than your outdated and ancient father. Frozen in time is he. Foolishly trying to make decisions and making rules for a child knowledgeable well beyond his abilities as a parent.
In fact, you should be his parent; and telling him how he should run his household. You should be paying the bills, and head of the house. He feels his 15 year-old daughter shouldn't be dating, but she is doing it anyway. How foolish he is to think he is the one in charge? If some awful boy comes along and breaks his daughter's heart. She will not have his protection and comfort. She will suffer alone in silence. God forbid if she accidentally gets pregnant! There is no telling what she can expect. Father is but a fool with outdated traditions and ideals. His will and opinions matter not. He is raising a daughter much wiser than he.
So smart, she has dated under his nose, and he didn't even know it. Some could say he isn't a good father. Why doesn't he know his daughter is dating? My guess is, he has some suspicion; or he will find out. Parents have a strange and uncanny intuition.
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