A
female
age
41-50,
*otty
writes:hi readers. i found out last year that my son has been diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorder. its not very well known of and some people dont even know it exists. My problem is, he has just started primary school and he is confident enough to use the toilet when it comes to passing urine, however when it comes to him doing a poo, its a different matter all together. i just cant get him to do it in the toilet. i dont know what to do. im at breaking point. we went out for a family day in our town and he had soiled himself. i didnt put a nappy on him because he had already done this earlier in the day. we were in a store and it had rolled out of his trouser leg and he began to play with it squashing it like it was play dough.I received several glares from customers and i could plainly see their disgust both at him and me and it made me feel like i was an unfit mother, not to mention embarrased. i also felt angry and didnt want to justify my sons behaviour to them. I contacted our health visitor and she put me in touch with the school nurse. i contacted the school nurse and was told they will get back to me. after waiting several days, iv heard nothing. they were both as usefull as a chocolate t-pot. i dont know what to do. has anyone out there experienced or even experiencing anything like this, or does anyone out there just simply have any advice for me? please help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (30 September 2007):
As a parent of three my oldest (15) Has Aspergers syndrome and my youngest (9) has A.S.D.
The way to deal with others is to say what I have said on a number of occasions, it goes something like this: -
"He behaves like this because he is autistic? - Now what's your excuse?"
It shuts them up immediately and they inevitably crawl away from you back into the hole they came out from.
The problem with Autism is that the child affected looks exactly normal so when they go through one of their quirks others think they are delinquents and thet you are irresponsable parents.
We have had problems in toilets like a fear of hand-dryers, usuing an exact amount of squares of the toilet paper, and obsessions with fulshing the toilet a set number of times.
You could maybe explain to your lad that all pee and pooh goes down the pan and if he insists on separating it flush the toilet in between. It can go down separately but it MUST all go down.
You can even try two separate toilets if you have an upstairs and a downstairs bathroom - that has worked for somebody I know who has experienced an identical problem with their lad.
In terms of helping out - Have you found any hotspots yet? - You may know what I mean about this but incase you don't and for the benefit of others I'll elaborate. Any subject matter he is completely obsessed about?
Our lad when he was six became obsessed with legal and illegal. Any comment or any action carried out by anybody was consistently met with the question Is that Legal? or Is that Illegal?
Anything our lad done that was not acceptable, we simply told him it was illegal and it stopped him. Autistic children no matter how lightly or how heavily affected they are tend to see things as black or white. (No shades of grey in between) I feel (regarding your one) that it is because their is liquid in the pan of a toilet the pee belongs there. This may be the reason why he will not pooh down there btw.
I gathered your lad is probably high functioning autism as you have only recently found out. If he was more severe you would have known from about a year or 18 months of age.
As I have said - find his hot spots and use them. Set firm rules and rigid structure and let him know what is either very good or very bad. If in the meanwhile you have to resort to him wearing nappies when you go out anywhere then do it. We only managed to get our one out of nappies about three months before he started reception class.
Please feel free to mail me here if I can be of any more help as having two similar ones older I just may be able to help out a little more with you. As for where you are now - we just may have been in some of those places before.
Cheers
Trev
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (29 September 2007):
 You have every right to feel angry. It's your child. With a disability, we shouldn't have to justify their behavior to anyone. I did chuckle reading your story so when my daughter comes in from play, I'll have her slap my hand. We were at a store with the training panties on, she was wearing shorts, one motion squatted in the cart and peed on the floor. The one time it just didn't get absorbed.
Children with this disorder have delayed behaviors. They are also delayed in recognizing this is the correct way to do this and this way is not.
Here's what I would recommend. Make yourself a chart with the days of the week on it. Buy some stickers. Have him sit down with you and help you come up with things he likes to do that he doesn't get to do all the time. Write them down on pieces of paper and fold them up. Do a drawing picking out a piece of paper from his choices, without him knowing. He all ready knows he enjoys everything you chose. Tape the piece of paper at the end of that week. Every day he doesn't poop in the pants, he picks a sticker and puts it over that day. And if he can go the whole week, just you and him on a date go to get his prize.
I would work up to every day. If he does this extremely often, until he gets more trained, he may mess up at the beginning. So there if he goes in his pants, no sticker for that day, but if he has a day no poop in the pants, you'll forget about the day his did, so he's still in the running.
The only problem with this system is if he messes up a day at the beginning of the week, he'll not try the rest. I would have a special small daily prize also, that way if he messes up, he may not get the big one for that week, but he's still in the running for the daily small prizes.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007): Hi, I'm about the same age as you, and my daughter (11) has Asperger's Syndrome.
Although we didn't have quite the problem you are experiencing, we had some comparable ones.
I'm assuming the little boy is around five years old. To begin with, I would advise you to always put him in a pull-up style nappy when you venture out with him. Even in non-autistic children, not wanting to defecate in the toilet is not unheard of, so you should not feel bad. Well-meaning folk will try to tell you all kinds of things such as 'my child was potty trained at eighteen months' and such. Ignore them.
Really, to save your own sanity, stay with the nappies as long as he needs them. Of course, you will need to work on the issue at home, and ask him when you're out if he wants to go, but while you are facing this challenge,and it is a challenge, do not allow yourself to be further demoralised by public humiliation. Take control of the situation, and make sure you stick to your guns where the health professionals are concerned. I don't think a lot of the people who I dealt with when my daughter was small really had an idea what it was like day to day.
Even if there does not seem to be an improvement, try not to worry. The age your son becomes independent is nobody's business but yours and his. Cope in the here and now, and try to stay calm, hard though it is.
When you go out, stick a change of trousers, wipes and a plastic bag in your bag and if he soils, just whip it off and remind him gently that it needs to go in the toilet.
Rest assured, if it's in a month or in two years, one day it will happen. It's just that with these conditions, it tends to be later on, and we cannot always predict when that can be. Meanwhile, we all have to get along as best we can, and I found out that the less fuss made, the better for all concerned.
Best wishes to you both.
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