A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I REALLY need help! My explanation is quite dark so...be warned if you happen to be under 16 (just in case, don't want any tweens getting freaked out)I am 19 and my bf is 21 and we are going to have sex for the first time...soon. And I am a virgin...kind of.(This is the dark bit) When I was 16 I was walking through town and it was quite dark, sort of twilightish, and I was attacked and raped. I count myself as I virgin cos I'm just saying 'screw it, that b**t**d didn't count'. I tried to fight back which apparently is meant to aid my recovery since...well I dunno. Anyway it hasnt since I do karate, now I feel like I've failed myself. Well, as I've always said, Psychology is a soft science. (No offense to psychologists)Anyway, that was just trying to let you get a picture of the whole predicament. So, my bf is so amazing and supportive, I met him a year ago when he moved here from Washington D.C and he's so good-looking and lovely and kind ect. pretty much amazing. And he knows what happened to me and is really kind about the whole thing saying we can wait. I don't want to disapoint him and quite frankly I don't want to let one scum-bag ruin my life through his sick actions so I'd really like to have sex with him since it'll bring us closer together and I'll be over the whole rape thing.We've done a bit of fooling around, he fingered me very gently a couple of weeks ago which is major headway for me. And it went...okay, I was freaking out internally to begin with but he was really loving and kind and I did kind of enjoy it after a while. But now it's time for the big step. And I'm really worried about what I'm considering first time sex. Well, its first time consensual. I was just wondering how to go about it since I'm not sure if I can do it since whenever I think about it, first I start freaking out but then I get a small spark of excitement.Does anyone have any ideas on how I can get over this and how I will find 'nice' sex as I like to call it.Sorry it's so long, and dont mistake my jokey nature for emotional disturbence, it's just my way of getting over it.xxx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): I agree - this will be your "first time" and that other b***s**t didn't count.
yeah, go slowly and plan a lot of restarts.
It might help if you first get used to some of the experience before you actually have intercourse. Maybe do a practice round first. Like so your BF agrees that there will be NO penetration attempts this round, you're just gonna lie naked together and do some bumping & grinding.
Then maybe also get used to lying on your back and letting him play with your vagina with his fingers.
If it does not feel threatening to have him naked on top of you, and it doesn't feel threatening to have him diddling around with your vagina, then you should probably get to the sex okay in a few tries.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Just a word of caution... proceed slowly and plan many restarts. Also do not expect that you will be "over it" just because you are able to complete the deed. Expect that there will be reoccurring trigger moments and I hate to say it but likely forever. I say this not to discourage you but so that you are prepared when it happens... being prepared and giving yourself permission to feel the pain makes the recovery quicker. Your boyfriend needs to understand this too so that he doesn't learn to take it personally.
Often times, having sex may temporarily cause you to re-live the trauma it might even seem worse at first. Again if this happens don't panic it is a natural healing process and give yourself time and permission to work through it. If you try to by-pass this process you will cause further trauma... if you are going to proceed you MUST be prepared to work through the trauma that may be stirred up. Sometimes this happens later on and not at the moment, but when it does happen perceive it as healing and not that you are doomed, defective, damaged ect.
For your initial experience it might be helpful to try a scenario that is drastically different from your "first" experience. You could be the dominant factor... you control the touching, you be on top and in control, you set the pace, you decide when where how.
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A
male
reader, cheated  +, writes (19 August 2009):
mmm ok, well first of all I really feel for you with what has happened.being in love is such a wonderful thing and you really want the first time special, I know mine was fantastic(22yrs ago) and I still remember it to this day.my suggestion is that maybe you both lay naked together kissing, cuddling, and maybe let your boyfriend lay on top of you with his penis resting on top of you. just see how relaxed and comfortable you are feeling before you try more. even just sitting the head of his penis against the opening of your vagina.best of luck hunny and remember, if your not ready or feeling it WAIT.....
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A
female
reader, aisforacting  +, writes (19 August 2009):
 I know someone with a similar situation. I think you are young and in love. If I was in your position I would wait until marriage, but I realize you don't want to wait. So, I think you should ask yourself Do I love him? Why do you want to have sex with him. Most importantl do you want to share the most important moment of your life with him. If so, tell him. Plan it. ANd be careful and safe. You are a very brave person and you inspire me.Goodluck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Honey we've all heard of rape before and we've all heard horror stories on this site. So you can relax about scaring children.
It's reasonable to be afraid of something happening again if it's happened before and it's reasonable to feel nervous in a similar situation to a prior traumatic one.
So don't walk down any dark allies.
You know your boyfriend, you know his intentions, and if we wanted to rape you, he would've by now. Before you learned what his name is and where he lives.
It's good to protect yourself, but not to hide away because of something that happened by one person years ago.
My preacher growing up, was forcefuly excused from his position after having an affair with a married woman of the church. Both had family and kids.
I could one of two things: I could hate preachers for as long as I live or i could say "wow.. that doesn't happen very often!" and look for a better one with extra care.
That's basically what I have to say. I know you probably resent me right now because i'm basically telling you to be stronger and just get through it, when i don't know at all how you feel. But all i'll say is, I do know. And this can be easier than you're making it.
~Sy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Well first off, you're not ready because you feel like you should be ready, you're ready when you feel ready. I was raped too and was scared to have sex. Then one day it just happened because I was really and truly ready. Don't push yourself into it because you don't want to make him wait, I guarantee you'll regret that. I wouldn't plan it. One day it will just feel right. First off, make sure you use protection. Second off, keep lube nearby and use it right off the bat. You don't need your first experience to hurt on top of everything else going through your mind. Also, take it slow. Make sure you're REALLY into it. Like super turned on. I would wait until you're comfortable with him fingering you to move on. Once he can get you really turned on, then you may want to move on to sex. I wouldn't let my guy have sex with me until I was comfortable with him touching me with his hands. Also, I personally would go on top. I tried being on the bottom and near had a panic attack having that weight on top of me. The lube will make being on top easier. Good luck to you,
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