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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for eight years.Mmy husband and i haven't had sex in two and a half years. He is addicted to porn, and would rather satisfy himself then be with me. I feel like I am dead inside. I have gained thirty pounds and just don't care anymore. help
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Hello everyone,
The problem is not women or men. I think the problem is the whole concept of marriage, which is unnatural. Studies shows that all those physical reactions, which we mistakenly think is caused by love last around a year, which is exactly the time needed for a woman to get pregnant and bring her child into the world. Now the concept of marriage has been introduced since humans has became civilized and settled down in the middle east. We found out that without marriage there will be chaos. The 2 most strongest instinct of every living beings are eating and reproducing. These instincts are coded in the genes and it would take a long time until they are gone or has been updated. Unfortunately the difference between men and women and how they are aroused sexually always create problems in the relationship. Men are aroused visually. Women in the other hand are very auditive creatures. It is much more harder for men to not be aroused sexually in our society so they are at war with their greatest instinct every day if not every hour. I know that we are at battle with lots of our natural instinct but remember eating and sexual instincts are the greatest and strongest. It would take us a very long time to win. The mission of a man (human) has been the same as any other creatures in this world: to live and create offspring every year so the race can survive. These instincts are still with us and no one can deny that. For men not having new ways to have sex or renews his sex life with/without his partner is one of the most difficult problem to overcome. For women is probably like when they do not feel loved and no one is there to say 'I love you' or sweet words to them. So believe me girls all men are trying, but it's very hard. As I said it is much more harder for men since they are aroused visually.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): I am so glad to have found this site.. I will do further reading here when i've time as I'm dying inside from this pain in the arse problem..I could kill my husband for the hurt he's caused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): After eight years of putting up with my husbands lying and porn use we have recently seperated and I have never been happier. I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I first tried marriage therapy (took me eight years to get him there) then he threw in the towel, wouldn't own his addiction and said he would not change and the marriage was over (despite us having two young children).
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): See you can satisfy your husband........ put sexy dresses ...and have fun in sex...enjoy feed him..........
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): My guy and i have been together for almost a year. I thought we had a great sex life. My sex drive is little higher than his, but I have had the best sex of my life with him....untile the past few months. Now we go weeks without, and when we do it is over in a instant. He has done steriods and now is off them. His first excuse to me was no steriods, no sex drive. We have watched porn together, and I enjoy watching it myself. But more and more i have noticed that he is watching on a regular basis without me, in fact almost every day, I notice he is watching. I have and will do anything sexually except, be with another girl, or be tied up and beaten or abused.We all know as women we want to please our guy. This weekend he said he was bored, after all it has been a year, and know one has sex like they used to. I said you have to work at it! I have to say not only is my heart broken from the comment, but my ego has been totally crushed like never before. I cannot even begin to compete with the girls that are on internet porn. just one "click" and you can see hundreds of beautiful girls. Now my sex drive has gone completely. I feel ugly, I cannot even masturbate. For the first time in my life I am depressed. I do not know what to do to help my self. It is clear he would rather watch than be with me. What a mess!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Let me tell you am 20yr and i been with my husban for almost 3yrs and am pregnant and most of the day he speends it looking at porn. He doset masturbate or anything like it but i feel that he dosent want me like before. But he tells me he just likes to look at it and that his not out in the street with another woman thats his home with me and that he loves me .
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Hi,wow, im relieved i found this site. I am 35 with an 11 and 7 year old. I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have been married 6. The first time i caught him using porn was 2 years into the relationship, i set the video to tape something on sky and went to bed, when i played the tape the next day, it was porn after porn channels. I realised that he must have been surfing when i went to bed but he didnt know i had the video recording. I didnt bring it up for a few weeks, and he said he was just flicking and didnt watch it, but one programme was on for nearly an hour on the same channel. i brushed it off thinking it was a one off. then this last year i have started working for him, i dont trust him through previous lies about money etc, and i have been getting a lot of spam through my business email account from his company, i am good on the computer and can set up or find anything no matter how he hides it. so once all this sex spam came through via his company email, i looked into his work computer history and he had been going on loads of completely disgusting sites. as we had a non existant sex life, he has ED and prem ejac, i talked myself into the fact that he MIGHT be using this to get ideas to help us in bed...can you believe i would think that rather than hating him... i do HATE him now. he is putting our marriage at risk big time. he always denied it until this week. i feel dirty, unloved etc. i was always a size 10 and i am 6ft tall, i looked great, but after my 7 year old was born i piled on the pounds and ended up a size 22. i put this down to depression and baby blues, now i know he caused my depression, i may have allowed it to happen, but he was the reason. Last year i had enough, i went on a mad doctor controlled diet and lost 6st in 4 months, im back to the gorgeous me! and still, nothing sexually. everyone tells me, god i bet he cant keep his hands off you, i just laugh it off but inside im crying like a baby. we rowed so badly the other week cos i dont trust him and he battered me. i had him arrested and he was jailed for the night, he came home, i allowed it, he has never been violent before, but now im just waiting for the next time. i dont feel loved, i get no hugs or cuddles or kisses, no complements. i have started binge eating again and have gained a full stone since november. i am trying to control my moods and my eating but i just dont trust him. he is going on a course for work soon for 4 nights and ive told him i cant bear it, i dont trust him not to sleep with some girl from the bar at night or hire a bloody prostitute to live out his perverted fantasies. i used to , before i knew this, dress up in a nice basque etc to brighten our sex life, but it didnt do it for him, he would walk past me and make tea etc. then i would feel such a fool for trying, but now, now i know he looks and gets off on this stuff, i feel even more the fool. im crying even writing this, it seems worse when you read it in black and white. I have bipolar disorder too, ( manic depression) only minor but i have meds. he reckons my upset is dwon to that and not him!! ha ha. i only aquired this medical status 3 years into our relationship. holding down a job is hard because of this, so i work with my husband for our company, but we are shutting down and going to work for another firm, better money too, im worried about how i will cope working with him in front of others, not only that, we have our kids in private education, a huge mortgage and loads of debt, i cant see how i could afford to leave him if i took that decision, i feel stuck in a loveless marriage because of cash, PLEASE HELP ME. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): There was a couple of men that wrote in (in 2005...) saying that they look at porn because the woman (women) in their life would not do the things that the porn girls would - now how about this...I'm 25, I work out - try to eat right and have a nice figure - and to add to this I have NEVER been against trying anything - even anal with my husband yet, he still looks at porn, frequently, for long periods of time, and alot of the time it's when I'm home and would be more than willing to have sex with him. So how about that? the only time I've turned down doing anything was AFTER he looked at porn (like right after) becuase I knew he was only going to pretend he was with some 90lb girl with fake boobs and not me (I'm a little bitter...) I've even made videos (playing with a toy) for him - still not enough...I'm depressed and lonely and struggling with an eating disorder... and when he says "I think you look just as hot" (as the porn girls) I just want to scream...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): I suffer as well. My husband has always used porn - from day one. I never thought much about it until I realized something was killing our sex life. Don't know what else it could be. I am a wonderful person with a very young, 38-year-old body. I am positive and happy (on the outside) and most will tell you that. My husband got bored in the bedroom after about 10 months or so. Sex dwindled to about once every two months. He satisfies only himself and it only happens when it's dirty: "Oh, you like it this way?" Slap on the butt, etc. etc.To make matter worse, he has been on psychotropic meds for about a year due to uncontrollable anger. They killed what little was left of his drive, though his anger has dwindled. It has now been about eight months since he has "satisfied himself with me." We've tried but he loses interest.So now that I've begun to think of being with other men, it's like I walk around with a cheating sign on my back. I have not cheated but did come close once recently. But he senses my unhappiness and is now more loving, attentive, etc. but STILL no sex. It may be a start? I don't know. I think this marriage was doomed from the start but he so acted like everything I wanted. Until he got me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): I am 22 years old, married for four years. I have two children by my husband and from day one all it has been is porn. He at one point had tons and tons of asian porn on his computer. Even the screen saver was an asian naked, with milk running down her body ( of course caption was, got milk ). He had video and video of asian women on his computer, none of me. No pictures or anything. I am not fat, he told me if I ever went over 150 ( I am 5'6 ) that he would leave me, I never have. But its still not enough! Add in the fact that he likes to be violent during sex, and looks at porn like this, its scary. I have had bloody noses and welts trying to please him. And still I catch him during the night, when he thinks I am sleeping jacking off to porn. I have tried, hell I have been beaten during sex to try to please him, and I am never enough! He comes in less than five minutes and when he tries to please me ( if he doesnt roll over and go right to sleep, which is his normal routine ) I feel completely dead inside...I roll my eyes and fake it to please him. I can't masturbate on my own without getting sick, much less pleasing myself because off all of the porn and sexual fantasies I have tried to act out for him. He tells me he loves me, and they are just eye candy to him, but I am very scared I am not and never will be enough. He has started hiding sex sites that have community forums for people to get together. I don't know what to do. I don't know if he is really cheating on me, if the porn addiction has progressed that far. If I had the strength to leave him I would. But I do not, I am too young, our kids love him and he is putting me through school. If there is anyone who knows any good sites I could go to please share. Counceling does not do any good...the damn people don't help me. I just vent and vent and get nowhere! I can't talk to him, he refuses to see it as a problem.
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reader, yumiko +, writes (19 January 2008):
wow..thats good... thats mens:that your husband is normal and having an average libidos...thats good..men which loved to watch porn having much more tricks to satisfy you...you should thankful for that....i wanting an hypersex husbandcoz im a hyper..indeed.. so you should thankful and satisfy him... every single position he wanted to do with you...give him a porn DVD's as a gift... a lubricating gel tubes.. assorted condomss...and if necessary.. use your sexy sleep dress.. he'll love it.
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reader, IAMGIRLY +, writes (28 December 2007):
I have a dilemma. I have a husband that enjoys watching porn. We just recently separated. He also has a problem with lying and keeping secrets. He called a female one night when I was out with a friend. So I left and told him that things need to change for us to be back together. He agreed to no more lies and secrets but, said that he may watch porn every now and then.He has stated that this is not a promise that he can keep. Which is a great start. At least he's being honest. My dilemma is? Do I compromise or do I stick to my boundaries that I have set. Porn or Me? Do couples really get divorced over casual porn. Or am I just making a big deal out of porn. Is it just a guy thing and really not a deal breaker. Does Porn every now and then warrant a divorce? Do I stay or do I go. I have been married for almost 16 years and been with him for 18 years we have 3 kids a home cars and a mount of debt. All this makes it hard to leave. I love him tons. However his porn makes me feel like I'm not good enough, It hurts to know that he likes to look and see other women having and doing sexual things. It's hard for me because I go back in forth of telling myself " it's not a big deal to it is a big deal. I sometimes even feel guilty that I don't like porn and that I don't let him watch it. I feel guilty that I don't particiapte in porn with him. I feel like other couples and women think it's okay. So I should to. I'm so confused and really just need some feed back from someone else that struggles with these issues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007): You just described my husband........I have been living with this for nearly 20 years and haven't been able to deal with it. I love my husband and keep thinking that this will go away or at the very least we can live with it....but it is making me a very unhappy, frustrated and miserable person. I need antidepressants to get up everyday and face the world. I always thought it was me and my weak mind but I am beginning to think that it isn't me and that is my husband's inability to make me feel secure and loved. I can't remember the last time he said he loved me and the last time I asked him why he doesn't tell me he implied that he doesn't love me like he used to. I was crushed.....I have stayed with this man....put up with his obsession given him everything he ever wanted and that's the thanks I get! And even after being told that, I still don't have what it takes to leave. I need help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2007): I was married to my X husband for 38 years. He has a stressful job, running his own company. Our sex life has always been when he needs a release. There is no hugging, kissing, cuddling, words of love or anything close. For many years, before our divorce in 2005, we had sex maybe once a month, sometimes not that often. He said he couldn't get an erection and that he has tried all kinds of medications like Viagra; they either don't work, or make him feel bad the next day. He has never made me feel desired,sexy or anything I would like to feel. He never says, I love you. When I asked him why, he says he shouldn't have to keep telling me, that I should know it. We were married right out of high school. I had never had sex with anyone before, until I had an affair 2 years ago. It was a wonderful experience, I felt loved, sexy, desired, much passion and was told how beautiful I am and how much I was loved every day. The problem was, we were both married. I am back living with my X, we are trying to figure out what we are going to do. i know he watches a lot of porn and likes to look at younger women, teens are probably his favorite. He keeps it very well hidden, no one can get on his computer because he has all kinds of passwords. I know he watches it on TV when I'm gone, or in another room... I can hear the volume go down, and that's a signal I have picked up on. After we were first married, I caught him peeking under the bathroom door watching me while I was taking a bath. It scared me, but I never mentioned it to him. He never acted like he wanted to look at me when I was in plain sight. I know all men like to look at women, but he likes to do it when he thinks no one knows he's looking. I know he had a larger collection of porn at his office locked up in a room that he was the only one that had a key. I know he watches it while he is at work. he has a TV in his office, it's pretty much like a living room. There is a lot more I could say, but I know this is already to much. the bottom line is, I never get a hug, kiss, an I love you, or anything close. I really never knew what it felt like to be a woman until I had the affair. He wants things to workout between us. But, I know he will always be watching me. He had my computer bugged, cell phone bugged, had me followed and pictures taken of me having sex with the other guy... he does all of this well, since that is his line of business. I just want to be made feel like a woman, not a child, be loved and feel affection, feel sexy, feel passion, in other words feel normal. I have been told by so many people I don't look my age, they say I look like I'm in my early 40"s, when in fact, I'm in my late 50"s. I always thought there was something wrong with me, that I was unattractive and not capable of feeling any passion or be made feel desired. I think he has a problem, can anyone help me here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): My husband watches porn as well and I have resorted to checking out his computer behind his back. I am almost thirty and most of the porno he looks up is about younger girls. This worries me on so many levels!!!not to mention that he treats our sex life like it is some kind of job. He also says that I am insecure and he should not be responsible for my self-esteem. That maybe so but his constant viewing makes it worse. I started taking anti-depressants and now when I catch him doing it and become obviously upset he say "did you take your meds today?" like I am a crazy person. He will also say "why are you hurt it's not like Ive been horrible to you". I don't know what to feel about it any more and I am starting to feel more numb as time passes. I just feel that it is only a matter of time before he leaves me for some 19 year old. I don,t know if this helps you, but I feel less alone and prudesh now so thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): I am only 20 years old i have been married for 3 years i catch my husband with porn every couple of months i gave him the choice of porn or me he says he will quit but never does should i leave him
20 year old female
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): Dear lonely wife,
I too am a lonely wife and I have been through what you have. It became so bad with his porn addiction that I felt very suicidal. I joined a support group with women in the same situation. At least 95% of these women now cheat on their husbands with other men. (We all concluded that porn is the same a cheating) and since my husband cut me off from sex for over two years (he was busy masturbating to porn), I decided to cheat. I do not believe in masturbation with a plastic vibrator. I prefer a real penis.
With all of the Sexually transmitted diseases around, I will not have sex with a man unless he wears a condom, I will not have sex with a man who is married because I do not want to cause hurt to innocent wives, children. I do not want to cause a love triangle scenario and most important, the men I have sex with must show me their drivers license in conjunction with a recent negative HIV and Herpes test. As far as the cheating, I felt very guilty, slutty, ashamed etc...for a long time, Now I feel beautiful, fulfilled emotionally and sexually.
I am a very attractive professional college graduate woman in my 30's and my husband and I have two teenage daughters. They caught their father watching porn. Now they "hate him" and will not have a thing to do with him. Cheating is not the answer to everything. One has to be emotionally ready to be capable of handling this(you actually have to train and re-direct your brain to "think like a man"). Cheating helps me redirect my thinking process thus I am now emotionless to men. I was faithful sexually, emotionally etc..to my husband for our entire marriage and I found out that he had been using porn the entire marriage even on our honeymoon! I have caught him in lies many times and I realized that he probably had extra marital affairs. Why should I be denied of sex, romance, passion, etc..Besides it is a common fact that "MEN DO NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED" unless there is something in it for them, such as needing a wife to have kids with, needing a wife to feed their ego, needing a wife to take care of them when they are ill, needing a wife to cook, clean, take care of kids etc....Since this is the case, then I rest my case, "Men are indeed needy!"
Here is how I cheat: When I catch my husband masturbating to porn, I work out at my local health club. I like to swim, and ride the bike, I pamper myself and indulge in the hot tub and a nice shower with lovely perfumes. I have a bag packed with a sexy dress, laungerie, perfumes, I usually have 3 guys I can phone while working out and usually one is always available. We meet for dinner, movie or dancing, then we usually go to the guys house (I don't do hotels because there is a good chance the guy is married) and I will not be with a married man.
Depending how we both feel, we usually have great romance, passion, sex, great conversation etc..If one or both of us are tired and we don't have sex, the romantic experience and the great conversation suits me just fine. "Sex is just icing on the cake".
I feel great and emotionally stable after the guy tells me I look pretty and sexy etc.. I come home and I am evasive when my husband "asks me where I went" I do not lie, I just give him the same un communicating silent treatment he gives me, I just do not respond and I walk away. As a result of everything that has transpired, I filed for divorce. Now after the fact, my husband realized that he hurt and destroyed the marriage and he wants me back and he promises he will never use porn again. (I am wondering if he is just saying this because he is sick with heart problems. I refuse to be his care giver as I have been for years) I on the other hand I am a changed woman and I will start my life all over again with my daughters. I do not want my husband back, I am a changed woman and "The damage is already done" and there is no turning back!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): I feel your pain. I have been married 17 years and my husband would rather look at porn than be with me. Of my 17 years of marriage this has been going for 17 years. So I know how you feel when you say you are dead inside. The internet just made it worse. He has a fetish that makes me sick and I have tried to do what he wants and then, what happens the only time he is interested in me is if his fetish is involved and he still does not make love to me and still keeps looking at the porn. So the crap about trying to fulfil his needs is just that crap - I have tried to willing go along with him but his addiction is still there. If it was not for my two children I would have left him years ago. The way I look at it is, I have 6 years until my youngest graduates from high school and I will be free of the hell I am living. Counseling is good if he will do it, mine refuses to - he claims to be a counseler by nature (HA!) - If you don't have children and he doesn't go to marriage counseling, MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!!! There is someone out there waiting to give you all the love and attention you need and want!I wish you well, No One understands how lonely and broken hearted women like us are, unless they are sharing the same shoes we are walking in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): i am so so sorry to hear this - It makes me so sad that he has turned to this crude & demeaning satisfaction - these disgusting porno people are sick & depraved- you are a real loving woman who has stuck by himfor better or worse- do look after yourself-
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): I don't get it...men look at porn and it is the women's problem? Women might feel more like being sexual if men were not such selfcentered jerks. How can I be turned on by a man who don't think I am the best?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2006): The anonymous male reader's reply on 15 July hit the nail on the head. Most of us men look at the porn, and even fantasize with it.... But many of us loving, devout and caring husbands do it because of what the women in the porn sites and videos do. I would think that most partners and wives would figure this one out. Can't you tell that your husband or boyfriend is searching for something that he terribly would lkike to do with his wife? IF we can't get it in one place, we'll at least enjoy it in porn and wish it was our wives. Do you understand this? We don't want our wives to be slut freaks, etc..... most of us men would simply like a little more variety, spice, fun, sure, even some dirty stuff, etc.... just some times.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2005): I am a regular user of pornography, perhaps to the level of addiction.The reason I use pornography is that the women on the screen do exactly what I want, and I have never found a woman who would do exactly what I want.If I found that perfect woman, then she would be off with Mr perfect, and would have nothing to do with me.So I satisfy my urges for the type of sex that I want. Of course I ask my partner if she likes these things first, but no means no then I want these things but cannot have them, so pornography gives me that.Also, porn women are undemanding, so you know you are in control of the situation.Not that that gives you any solution, but perhaps you can understand the logic behind it.Men use porn to get what they want. If I could get it from my partner without begging, threatening or playing mind games, I would but I can't.
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reader, mamma +, writes (12 July 2005):
Don't let yourself go just because this selfish man would rather get his kicks from people who would probabaly never look twice at him.Start going out and finding things that dont involve him things that make you feel good.Tell him if he doesnt stop this and get help then you will leave him. Give him a time limit (1 month)and tell him if nothing has changed in that month then you are gone.You deserve better than this you need to find someone who will treat you right and make you feel sexy again and when you do be sure to tell your husband ALL the details i know this may sound weird but he needs to know just what he has given up on.Dont let him drag you down show him that you dont need him to feel good about yourself but that there are other men out there who will do this for you.Leave him in his little depraved world and get out before he totally strips you of all your self worth.
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reader, ticketman +, writes (12 July 2005):
that sucks, you need to get yourself in the gym look better than ever, then ask for a divorce and go "date" someone that will satisfy you in everyway you deserve!!!!
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reader, orchidblossom +, writes (12 July 2005):
Men and women are different. Women show affection through emotional love, men do so with physical love. Point blank- men need sex, they need it often, and it needs to be spiced up every so once in awhile. This is the responsibility of both parties. However, he should not be replacing you with porn.What makes a relationship work is 1)compromising and 2)communication. Sit down with him and let him know how you feel (without blaming or getting upset). Offer suggestions, like couples sex therapy, marriage counseling, or both. Research other ways to spice up your sex life. Perhaps take a romantic vacation. If your husband loves you, he should understand how you feel and be willing to compromise. He should put in 110% effort (just as should you) to make the marriage work. Honestly ask yourself: are you truley doing everything you can to make it work? If your husband is unresponsive, then you might want to reconsider your relationship. Be strong, love yourself (and your body!), and good luck!
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reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (12 July 2005):
Your husband is a sexual addict and he needs to own up to that addiction. The problem is not you, it's him and his weaknesses. When it comes to porn addiction, so many husbands attempt to play the blame shifting game. “If you had done this or that, I wouldn’t feel the need to use pornography.” The most common form of blame shifting that we hear is when the husband says, “You’re just insecure. All men do it.” In just seven words, he manages to shift the blame twice. First he shifts the blame for his wife’s own pain onto her. “You’re just insecure.” Then he blames society for making it okay. “All men do it.” Two sentences. Two lies. The man never stops to consider that he is doing little more than drilling holes in his wife’s heart.
As is the case with any addiction, it is imperative that the he “owns” his addiction. All of the blame-shifting tactics in the world will not change the fact that his behavior belongs to him and him alone. He is in control of his own behaviours, thoughts and choices in life. Even if one's marriage is one that is wrought with other unspoken problems – problems that make intimacy difficult -that's still not an excuse to use porn. For one thing, porn never satisfies. It may give the illusion that it satisfies, but the reality is that it never satisfies the need that is at the root of the pornography use problem. It only sparks the desire for more of the same. Second, by doing so, the husband does little more than to show exactly how weak he is. A life of moral good & love of family requires far more diligence and strength than does a life of indiscretion, which he has chosen.
Is there hope for the marriage? Yes.. but first- the husband must "grasp the reality" that his actions are destructive to his wife and toward the marriage in general.
You need serious marriage counselling. You should set a deadline for him to show that he is willing to enter a serious program to help him kick the habit. There is help available. Once his addiction is out in the full light, its power is diminished..he mustn't let shame control him. Pornography is as addictive as alcohol, drugs and nicotine. It causes actual changes to brain chemicals in the same way that cocaine does. It will not stop by itself. Just like addictive substances, he will need more and harder core porn to keep the brain chemicals at the same level. He needs serious help today and there should be close monitoring of his progress.
If he refuses to get help-walk out and leave before he drags you down into the hell he's gotten himself into. And please find a support group you can get involved with. You will need to heal from this horrible experience. Good luck and god bless
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