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My husband would rather use porn to satisfy himself than be with me...

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 July 2005) 57 Answers - (Newest, 6 December 2012)
A female , anonymous writes:

I have been married for eight years.Mmy husband and i haven't had sex in two and a half years. He is addicted to porn, and would rather satisfy himself then be with me. I feel like I am dead inside. I have gained thirty pounds and just don't care anymore. help

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012):

Ladies. Its simple. If you want him to lose the porn then you've got to be willing to be a full fledged replacement. If you only are willing to (1) sleep with your man a couple times per month and just keep it old fashioned.. yet he's horny enough to masturbate every day, he doesn't have much of an incentive to be patient.

Think of it like a pillow. If you CAN sleep with a comfortable pillow 30 nights per month, you will. And if someone asks you not to sleep with a pillow at all then that's not so easy. And you'd be inclined to question whether its reasonable. Then in turn you're only offered (1) a rolled up sweater a couple times per month as if that's supposed replace his pillow.

My gf is my prime example. She became my porn replacement and I haven't needed to ho online for it in 3 years. It works

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012):

For many years my wife would very frequently refuse me sex. We would have it maybe about once a month. She had emotional issues, and so I understood why the lack of desire. Unfortunately, I turned to porn to get that sexual release, and it soon became a habit. This was my way of dealing with it. It has to be a lot better than going off and finding other lovers. I just wish I did not waste my younger years with her and would definitely take a different track if I could relive my life. Sad really. I try to fill my life with other activities, hobbies and career, and so far I have been fairly happy doing so.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012):

To anonymous poster on July 12, 2005 ... Your comment was blunt and amazing. I also am sick of all the excuses men give "it's your insecurity", "all men do it", " what business is it of your's what I do in my private time" (with that crap of an explanation it would mean having sex on his private time with someone else shouldn't be your business either), and the line " it has nothing to do with you" ( well, if I start denying you sex and masturbate everyday after spending hours on the Internet surfing through tons of gorgeous guys until the right one makes me climax, would you feel it had nothing to do with you?). And I am perplexed by the elaborate explanationp of how primative men were biologically wired to spread their seed with many women and that it's not their poor fault that they were made like that ... poor babies .... What's a guy to do with this fate? Do you really think this explanation makes us more understanding? Are you still barbarians or have you evolved into a more sophisticated human being? Boy, the excuses men come up with to justify their bad habits. No, it is not us women that's the problem .... It's you and your pervy creepy nastiness and immature lack of self control. If this is how you want to spend your life, then stay single. Porn does not belong in a relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012):

Reading these posts has given me so much strength and validation in my decision to end my over 2 yr relationship with my bf because of porn.

I broke up with him 2 weeks ago. I gave myself the week before to give it deep thought so that I was sure I was making the right decision. I loved him deeply.

I knew he loved me deeply as well ... But he couldn't stop the porn. It affected our sex life. It took me awhile to put it all together and figure out what was the cause. He was the first guy I dated since the popularity of the Internet.

My ex-husband never used the computer (couldn't even turn it on back in the mid 90's). I struggle with missing my bf and sometimes feel weekened and want to text him but I have stayed strong because i was miserable and I know I don't want a life like that.

The thought of this beautiful man that I loved looking at other women with desire and having sexual pleasure fantasizing about them would crush me. These posts just confirm that I made the right decision and give me the stength to push ahead to a better future with the right man. The downside to the posts is that I keep reading that there are no longer any men who don't indulge in porn regularly. I just hope a decent man does exist somewhere.

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A female reader, ItsOver United Kingdom +, writes (17 November 2012):

For those saying get another man because the sex will be great again. Well, it may be like it used to be with the other guy and it will change again with time. He'll want to upgrade to the younger model. Invite your friend to spice it up and keep the interest.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012):

Well, after all the posts iv'e read here, I'm glad after my same agonizing situation of a 24 yr marriage I cheated on him told him I did and then I felt so much better, even though it ruined my family(3 daughters)!!

I only had two one-night stands when we were married, only after I spent 21 of those years feeling alone and yada,yada, yada! I am now with the man of my dreams!

We have been together a little over a year now and have sex 2-3x a day, everyday!! He does like his porn but he pleases me in every way! I guess he is an exception to the rule because he tells me even though he watches porn he only thinks about me when he watches it and when were doin it.

Even if he does fantasize, it doesn't bother me because sometimes I do to! I use to think porn was dirty because of how my ex treated me but now I find it to be fun since I missed sex so much when I was married.

Ladies!! If your in such agony why stay around to be treated like that!! It took me many yrs but I just couldn't take it anymore! You gotta Live and Make Love! Good Luck to You All!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012):

Hi, I understand you. I have been married for 20 years. He treated me like shit. I was always doing everything bad. He was leading a double life and made me feel bad and blamed me for his mistakes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2012):

I can so relate. I have been married for one year but been with my husband for four years.

I love sex and I am a little freaky but he would rather masterbate to porn than touch me, he even said it isnt that important to him, sex in marriage I mean.

I feel so lonely and ignored.

I have put up walls to protect my heart. He is younger than me but I have rocked his world in bed but he would rather have his porn and now he does the webcam live sex stuff. I cant handle this stuff, it just makes me feel like I am ugly, which I am not, I am a very attractive women.

I feel my love for him dying and its sad but I dont care that it is. Can someone please help, I dont know what to do. I pray about it but it just doesnt get any better.I love the human touch but he only likes his own touch.

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A female reader, lost86 United States +, writes (13 October 2012):

I feel the same way - me and my boyfriend have only been together 1 yr and we use to have sex all the time. then it changed I woke up and he was not in bed and when i came into the living room he was masturbating to porn - it wasn't even sex porn its blow job porn.

He doesn't ever touch me anymore and i don't think I'm ugly. but he has me feeling this way. and when he does want to have sex or i talk him into it he want head first - what about pleasuring a woman? do men not do this anymore?????

Im over it being all about him. Im about to end it all. I have gotten oral sex from him once and IT SUCKED but i did act like i liked it.. I don't understand it if he wants to keep avoiding the issue im going to leave. I feel lost and broken inside like i cant satisfy his needs but he can get off and i cant. It makes no sense.

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A female reader, Sexless2012 United States +, writes (6 August 2012):

I know how being sexless feels. I been threw this. It really sucks . After being mistreated. I stepped out on marriage. I was abused in my marriage. I found out my husband is gay. All he wanted was forced sex, like a rape. Went to sexless. So I went out to make myself happy. I have slept with other men . Sometimes it sucks either way .

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012):

I completely understand addiction because I have been in recovery for a long time and my husband is an addict. I only recently found the porn because I was searching do evidence of drug use, then suspected an affair and since he has done better with the drug use I have found the porn. I was able to deal with it until a couple of times I was so sexually frustrated and he wouldn't touch me but with the investigating I done I found that every chance he got when I walked out the door he would masturbate to porn. I have tried everything and I still find many nights I'm so sexually frustrated. Just tonight I touched him just as every night and absolutely no response! I'm afraid to touch him anymore for fear of rejection. This is no way to live in a marriage. I always try to keep up my appearance and try to get his attention but nothing works. I know he is only touching me when he does out of obligation. My heart breaks every day.

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A female reader, uglyme United States +, writes (29 July 2011):

uglyme agony auntWow I thought I was all alone and feel just a little relieved knowing it isn't just me. I am 39 and my bf is 31.... we use to have sex 1-2x daily and it has dwendled down to 1x a week if I force it and he watches porn to get off. I would watch it with him if he would actually have sex with me and act like he wanted to. He makes me feel so ugly, nasty and unwanted anymore it is slowly killing me inside.

I love sex and love doing all sorts of sexual things, am open to almost everything but he would never even pull my hair knowing I loved it. Sad part is what I LOVE he watches in porn but won't with me.

I recently approached him again and told him how it made me feel and all and his repsonse: "Are u smoking fuckin crack..think i am gonna go buy a test..cause ur freaking losing it..." He repeatedly tells me I am crazy or psycho when I mention how it/he makes me feel. Anymore I just cry myself to sleep and continue to feel like a POS. I feel like I am about to go crazy.... what do you do when you have tried everything but the one that says they love you makes you beg for sex only to shoot you down 90% of the time?

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A female reader, Emeraldwings01 United States +, writes (6 September 2010):

Emeraldwings01 agony aunt Hi, I am to Happy that I found this site. I am 40 and look better now then I did at twenty five and I was hot back then as I was told. I too have the same problem and have done everything that I can to get him interested. The only difference is that he was the one who told me he was addicted to it and doesn't want to be anymore. He is trying everything that he can to find help and to stop. I don't know how to help the rest of you women. I can only say hold on and love your self, find god and he will help if you truely believe in him. I have come to love myself and if doesn't want me then that is fine I can pleasure my self without having to worry about getting him off too. Now a days your truely don't need a man. And for you men out there that say we need to do all that we can. Screw off, you do too. We shouldn't have to be the responsible one all the time, and we shouldn't have to bow down and do everything you guys want us to do.

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A male reader, Montage Sonata United States +, writes (1 August 2010):

Posted by Monty:

Dear Girls: First sorry to see that this has happened to all of you. But what I can say is that I started looking at porn when I was like 12. When I turned 15 I started looking at Internet porn. I can also say that because I have a high level of control I was able to stop my addiction to porn with no counseling. Not recommended and I’ve been thinking about getting more help, just in case it comes back. It does from time to time. But not like before. And yes, it is an addiction. The way I beat it is to study how porn works in the mind. It has nothing to do with how good your wife or GF looks in real life. That is why even the porn star couldn’t get her man to want her. Once a man clicks on an image or video he is looking for a high. Although he doesn’t know it. Porn is a drug. It will be different for every man. That’s why there are so many varieties of porn. Once the man finds the right image or video it releases a high level of endorphins. Some studies have found that the level of endorphins that are released during this cycle is equal to smoking crack. What’s worse is once the man finds this image or video and he gets this high, then the endorphins start to subside. This then makes the man go searching for that image or video again. And the next one needs to be even better. This is why so many hours are spent on the porno sites. Making the situation even worse, just like in the case of the crack addict the endorphins receptors start to become destroyed. This causes the man to start to look for an even bigger high and search even harder for that one video that does the trick. Going back to old videos usually will not do the trick. Although he may have favorite when nothing else will work. His mind will start to become skewed and his image of women or his wife will not produce the same level of endorphins. Also because of behavioral modification the fact that the endorphins release while he tucking on his penis makes it harder to enjoy regular sex. This confuses him, because he may love you. But in his mind would rather just jerk off. In the case where the man has tendencies to cheat this situation will be even worse because since he may never attempt to cheat on you with another woman physically because of moral reasons, having sex with himself with Internet porn is OK. A males primal animal tendency in life is to produce as many children with as many women as possible. But we are not animals anymore. So in a normal society we understand that having one mate to satisfy us is common and accepted. These are our moral values. Thus the best way to make a man understand that his behavior is wrong is to bring in the moral factor. Say to him Mr. Man, This is morally wrong and you have an addiction. Ask him if this is what he wants for his boy(s) and does he want them spending their lives like this. If he has no boys, then would he want his daughters treated like this? If you have no children, then you can bring up your relationship with him. How important is it? Tell him he is neglecting his family and if he keeps it up he will lose them and you. And tell him that if it come to divorce you file this as a reason for the divorce. So the whole public can see.

Look there is nothing wrong with masturbating. It’s not dirty. People just need to start seeing the links between substance abuse and porn addictions. The difference is like having a drink with dinner versus pounding a quart of vodka at work before lunch.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010):

I am a pornstar/stripper. I have been involved twice now in relationships with men who would rather watch porn and masturbate then have sex with me, or they had to watch porn every time we had sex. I am told all the time that I am beautiful and very sensual. I have 34DDD sized breasts and am thin. I love sex and trying all types of things. I was willing to do almost anything sexual that either one of these guys wanted. So I really don't think this problem has anything to do the women in the relationship. Even though I am told by other men all the time that I am beautiful and have many fans, it still really hurts that the man that I am in love with doesn't want to have sex with me. It makes me feel so ugly and like a failure. Especially since its happened to me twice now.

I became a porn star was because of being in a 10 year relationship with a man severly addicted to porn. He would watch it for hours almost every day. Its a decision I regret and something I can never take back. evn though i'm now in the movies I still don't feel good about myself, expecially now that I realize I'm in another relationship with a man addicted to porn.

So don't listen to anybody that tries to blame the way you look or what you are willing or not willing to do.

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A female reader, stressed7778 United States +, writes (29 March 2010):

I have been with my husband since I was in 11th grade. We have been married for 19years. I am so tired of feeling alone, sad, unwanted, mad, angry. My husband is constantly having phone sex or watching porn on the computer. He would rather do that, than touch me. He hasn't touched me in 10years. I have tried everything I can think of to make him interested in me or to keep the spark alive, such as shaving, strip tease, costumes, I could go on and on. But nothing works. I struggle some times with if he is gay. I have caught him calling or watching men and women.. So I don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart. But I don't know what to do. When I approach him about this, he just tells me he loves me and for me to get over it, that I am making a big deal over nothing or that I am over sensative.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009):

I'm not going to say that constant porn is good, but women also need to realize that mens tastes have changed - mainly because of internet porn and they should as least acknowledge these fantasies and tastes. One being shaved pubic hair. Women always instantly go to some sort of pedofile notion, but its really about cleanliness. Would you rather kiss a man with an overgrown beard with a mustache covering his lips or a nice clean shaven guy? Its the same thing. They want and will go down on you if you are shaved.

I'm not defending these men that are not paying attention to their women, but I do think many women could make themselves a little more sexually attractive to their men. Give them a little strip tease, watch some porn and see how them women move and present themselves (arched backs, etc.) Be willing to explore some more sexual fantasies give them blowjobs (I guarantee this is one thing they want constantly), ... Bring them back to you, don't wait for them in shame while you get fat.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009):

I have never experienced this before I am too embarrased to talk to anyone else about it and every time I try to talk to him about it starts an argument, I am 12 years older than him so, I thought he was trying to brush up his skills I did'nt make a big deal at first until I, until we got the cable bill and $139.00 woth of porn showed up on it ......... he lied and said he wasnt looking at it I knew he was lieing because we never have sex, I know its not me. I finally got him to admit he has a problem, but I still want to leave him, almost everything else in our relationship is average/normal except the sex. Do I just cheat and stay, or do I move on I dont have the energy to be arguing about something so unnecessary, besides if he likes to look at other women on film than he dont need me he can continue yo live in FANTASY WORLD without me. Besides since his addiction I'm totally unatracted to him. Am I wasting my time?

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A female reader, bexiboo United Kingdom +, writes (14 December 2009):

I have just been reading all these answers and getting upset, Im 28 and have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, We have a 4 month old baby and when I was pregnant my boyfriend watched porn and was not interested in me at all. Now i have got to the stage where I dont care about Porn so much now as every boyfriend ive had (5) has looked at it...but on the other hand they have always wanted to have sex with me, My boyfriend is nearly 10 yrs older than me and all his friends and colleagues always ask him how he managed to get me... as people always have told me that I have model looks.. and his boss even joked with him and said ' how did you manage to get a girl like that? Have you got a big one or something?' and i was thinking to myself GOD IF ONLY YOU KNEW THE TRUTH!!

It is really painful being rejected, after all people constantly talk about mens needs..BUT WHAT ABOUT WOMENS NEEDS? IM ONLY 28 I HAVE NEEDS!!!!!!

I went out for the first time sfter having my son the other day and I had at least 10 good looking guys come up to me and tell me how stunning I was and I felt like telling them all that my boyfriend isnt interested in sex with me! I dont think they would of believed me!!

After reading this I realise that he has a problem and that I am no longer going to feel bad about it all... before I met him I was an out going, bubbly person and have always had tons of male attention....I used to love him so much but now I just want to lose all the love I have left and move on and the best way to do it is to find your confidence again and dont let any man put you down!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009):

news-flash to all woman ; men have been raping & pillaging for thousands of years,so the feminization of men during the women's lib movement of the last 40 years hasn't suppressed the hardwired need for debauchery. it's simply hard-wired into our genetic code to bang as many woman as possible before we die,which is why we love porn...it's a different woman every day, serving every fetish known to man. it won't be long before all men prefer virtual porn to dating. in summary,women should brush-up on their lesbian tendencies !

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2009):

the problem is not you, it's him--he needs healing from some deep hurts--probably from his childhood. i know your pain--i have been there. if he is willing to get help, he should take a course called "faaling forward" that is offered by the International House of Prayer in Kansas City, MO. my husband has taken it and it has helped alot, but marriage counselling also will be helpful after the course, they do not know how to treat us right because they do not know what real intimacy is. Cry out to Jesus to help you through your pain, and a book called "Where do we go from here" by Annette Cominsky is very helpful too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009):

(Original Poster)

Am really thinking about ending my marriage. Last night for the 3rd time I caught my husband jacking off while watching porn in my living room. I just dont get why would he rather jack off then to have sex with me. I tried to ask him why but he could not really answer me.

When I caught him the first time he was lying right next to me watching porn and jacking off. When I moved in the bed he tried to put his d**k up really fast. I dont get it.... if I am lying right next to you why would you want to jack off. After that I express to him how that hurt me and anytime that he wanted some I would be more than happy to give it to him..... I thought that would end it but it did not.....anything he has asked me to do I did it but still he rather jack off to pron.

After I caught him this last time I now realized that he was never going to stop....he is a very good man but I dont think I can take the rejection...To me sex is a big part of your relationship..

Thanks for u all input I now know what I have to do be happy again

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009):

Well girls I hear yall!!

It's crazy I'm a newly wed and the moment I got here I turned on the PC and saw what he had watched without looking for it it just came to my attention when I decided to look for a web site and all these chicks started coming up asking for my husband. I cant look at him the same when we are making love it's like if he's thinking of all the chicks on porn. I'm a chick that likes to spice things up lil and give him something a lil different but i guess that's just not good enough. I understand that men sometimes have needs but I have never said no to my man and it's crazy. One day I had gone to the hospital and they told me I couldn't have sex for 3 days and that same night I was trying to fall asleep after an hour or 2 and I turned to look at my husband and he was watching porn right next to me jacking off. It's unbelievable the fact that I feel like I'm not good enough I have tried everything and it just doesn't work!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009):

Hi I have never posted anything like this before and never thought I would.But I have been researching the subject alot latley and I can definatley relate to what all of you women out there are going through. As for what the man said about men having to release and control and all that other bs its just that bs. when you are in a relationship you are telling the other person that you WANT to be with them that you would CHOOSE them over any other. The answer I am seeing repeatedly here is that us women are wanting and more then willing to be there for our partners release. However our partner is CHOOSING to give that pleasure to himself and deny us the affection we all deserve. And it is more then just the sex. There is a connection that we all need between male and female the touch the affection and the sex are just parts of it.

Now having addressed that Nothing in this world can destroy a womens self esstem faster then having a person repeatedly tell them they love them and need them but CHOOSE to jack off to porn rather then be with them.I am feeeling so horrible about myself right now I am not even sure what is the right answer. How can I ever compare to all that??? What is wrong with me??? am I not pretty enough?? Busty enough?? skinny enough?? fat enough?? is my belly to flat?? to round? is it my personality?? to i ask to much of him?? am i bad with the children?? It just goes on and on and on till i feel about as worthless as the old rug on the side of the house =( I don't know the answer I just know i had to say something to all the women out there.....I feel your pain ......

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009):

Because of the easy availability of all genres of porn, in all levels of explicitness and in the media of one's choosing, many people, especially men, are using it for their entertainment. To some, these activities are vilified and this behavior is perceived as some perversion that needs to be cured or abandoned, and you may be among them. Be careful for what you wish.

Why is it happening? Since long before you or I ever existed, sex has existed between the genders as a control mechanism almost as much as has existed as a guarantor of the succession of the species. Men and their predecessors would use their physical advantages to insure that they would always have access to and control of their sexual release, whenever and wherever they perceived they needed it.

In other times and places, as cultures changed and evolved, when it became unacceptable for men to treat women as possessions in these ways, a different form of control also evolved: the denial of sex without gain. But this time it is women's control of men that typically drives this relationship. Prostitution, in its gross and more subtle forms, has driven, and continues to drive, much of the relationships that exist between men and women, including dating and marriage.

If you doubt the association of prostitution with marriage, observe what happens in a marriage when he loses his job and can no longer support her: once the money runs out, in many cases, so does she.

Men have been, and many still are, controlled by sex. Men are driven by a biological need to release semen on a regular basis. Some overcome this - most do not. The less we release semen, the more it impacts our hormonal balance and, eventually, it affects our decisions and actions, much in the way a malnourished person takes actions to correct the imbalance, regardless of other considerations.

Arguably, this borders on not being a choice at all, once the hormonal imbalance reaches an unhealthy level. Men become victims of this as much as an unmilked cow is the victim of the milker's neglect.

Given this biological imperative, one must consider how the mores of the moment fence in the acceptable responses that a man can make to this demand. Tragically, many are taught that masturbation is an unacceptable response: this is the most dangerous group of all.

If it is determined that it unacceptable for a man to relieve himself, and he accepts such a premise, then he is dependent on others to reduce or eliminate the biological imbalance that repeatedly returns like udders full of milk.

This becomes the cultural equivalent of tying a man's hands behind his back and him having to deal with the results of these hormonal demands. It is not a distant leap from this to the explanation for why men rape. Certainly this is not an excuse for such behavior, but it might help one understand how a man might might make such a poor choice and take such a heinous action against another.

Fortunately, most men in this group don't take this course of action, but remain trapped between rape and masturbation in trying to deal with this relentless biological imperative. However, these are the victims of moral limitations, caught between the two extremes of behavioral responses - these are the ones held hostage by society for their refusal, or perceived inability, to take control of their needs and solve it themselves.

Of the three groups, rapists, masturbators and everyone in between, these are the "moral victims", the ones in the middle.

Between these three groups, at least the moral victims are more evolved than the rapists - no one in their right mind would argue for a return or a resurgence of men's violent treatment of women, or other men, in order to relieve their own sexual tension.

On the other hand, in the evolution of human relationships, it can be argued that masturbators are more evolved than the moral victims, since they do not need to rely on others to relieve the sexual tension that builds up, day after day, year after year, regardless of any other considerations.

The heart and the actions of the masturbator is pure: they are no longer influenced, nor driven, by the need for relief and release of their hormonal imbalances. If a masturbator spends time with someone, it is because they want to be with them, and not because of any ulterior motives to have sex with them.

But this, then, becomes frightening for many, since it has been argued that it is the sexual tension that exists within males that drives all human development. According to Freud, it is this primal drive that makes all activities possible.

The drive to succeed, to be accepted, to be viewed as a man is insidiously intertwined with sexual drive. By using masturbation to simply defuse this mechanism could be construed not only as antithetical to the motivation of the species, but even to its continued existence: if every man masturbated instead of being driven to have sex with women, it could be argued that we would quickly vanish from the earth, becoming extinct by this choice.

Fortunately, as humans, we can choose to procreate as a function of some higher calling, rather than the primordial urge to have sex. The evolution of humans toward masturbation, ten, will also necessarily lead to the species having children based on the desire and conscious choice to have children, instead of as an accident of lust, which is how many children are currently procreated in this world.

So, it should be in the best interest of all of us that we not only stop vilifying masturbators, but that we see this behavior as a non-violent solution to many age-old problems that have existed between the genders.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008):

Don't worry I had the same situation. My partner stopped having sex with me and rejected me if I tried to initiate it. The problem is in that person. Don't let anyone else put you down. men often have unresolved mother issues which makes them unable to connect in a real relationship. plus guilt and shame around sex due to religion and society's values imposed on us which are often negative towards women. I found yoga and it helped me through five years of a very difficult marriage (initially our relationship was good with average sex life for 3 years). I now get on ok with my ex ( we have 1 child) and feel a lot better about myself, I don't want to take on anyone else's rubbish. Do not give up! Additionally women have huge pressure on to look as good as people in magazines (mainly airbrushed with plastic surgery). Don't despair and start to love yourself, you are a unique person, we are all much more powerful than we realize.

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A male reader, Cynister Australia +, writes (4 December 2008):

2 and half years? Really ?

I am a normal everyday average guy and I look at porn. (Don't get me wrong, it doesn't make it right, it doesn't mean every guy does it) But my relationships in trouble because of it. Even I get sick of it after a week straight. When I look at porn it makes me want my partner more, it's like male foreplay. Maybe it's an urge maybe it's an addiction but I tell ya what I wouldn't wait 2 years to get it.

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A female reader, togoodforthis United States +, writes (21 November 2008):

in response to the guys comments. i tried to spice up our sex life. i talked about toys ive always wanted to try and i even tried looking at porn with him but it felt like i was the 3rd wheel in the room. my husband doesnt even want me to get a dildo saying thats different. we even looked up some ways for me to please him better and all that. but face it men are lazy. he would perfer the way thats easiest for him.

i would just love to get one of those huge vibrating dildos and use it right in his face after he beats off to porn and see how he feels. tell him im tired when he's in the mood then as soon as he falls asleep pull it out and have some fun of my own... i may just do that:) i feel better thinking about that. i shouldnt though... right?

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A female reader, togoodforthis United States +, writes (21 November 2008):

hey i have no answers but i do understand. my husband does the same thing. im 22 years old and we have a 1 yr old and 1 on the way. when i was pregnant with my son he wouldnt touch me even when i asked him to have sex. it would be im tired but watch porn and lie about it. even when our son was born after he got home from work -the same thing he would perfer to jack off even though im there wanting to be intimate with him. i cant tell you how much this whole thing has hurt our relationship. i lost all trust in him and some feelings to. honestly i dont know if i can get either back no matter how hard i try.

after that we had a talk about it and he said he would stop but he didnt and when caught again denies it. the crazy thing is- i went to a website for people in commited relationships still looking for...anything your relationship may lack. for me it was strictly emotional stimulation. he made me feel like garbage i just wanted to talk to someone who may find me interesting because apparently he didnt. i didnt do or say anything that was along the lines of cheating. my husband found out and was furious and from what he said was hurt.i then asked him whats the difference your using online porn to satisfy your sexual needs- never mind me and mine and im chatting online to satisfy my emotional needs. he said its different because i can eventually begin to have feelings for them. he didnt realize thats what had happened to him the moment he chose porn over his breathing,and in the bed right next to him wife.

... anyway im here wondering if getting married was a good idea? can i truly be happy living like this? are my childrens happiness better than a lifetime of me feeling this way? im sooooo confused. i love my husband but didnt see this coming. i think if i would have known what i know now before my son i would probably be single right now. dont get me wrong i love my babies and i dont want to cheat but i dont want to feel 2nd to nothing either especialy some damn video or website.

He still doesnt understand how i can feel the way i do like its no big deal. i feel like during a time when i needed him the most he wasnt there and for what? im worth way more than that. he's in the military now and all i can think about is how much porn will be on his phone now and how i'll be the one up in the wee hours of the morning with another baby while he's in another room beating off...is this really my life? :(

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A female reader, nickel United States +, writes (12 October 2008):

I hear you all my husband and I have been married for a little over 3 years and have been together for 7 before getting married the sex life was better but he still used porn then. We work different shifts so it makes it hard sometimes but I have told him to come and wake me when he came to bed. But most of the time it is like 3:00am and I get up at 6:00am to go tot work. If he does come and wake me I still would have sex but it would always seem like a waste of time because nothing for me but he would be done and just lay down and sleep after. The affection has gone away after marriage and a 4 year old son. I even have a hard time getting him to let our son go and spend the night with grandparents to try and have a long night with him he just doesn't want me I guess. I am so glad I am not the only wife going through this. I feel like he is cheating on our marriage. I knew he did this before we got married but I thought it would stop after marriage. I have told him that I felt like he was cheating on our marriage but nothing came of it.Why can't porn site be stopped from getting on the internet a lot of people's problems would be fixed.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008):

I'm so glad that this site is here. I can relate to everyone here. I'm a newlywed and knew of his addiction. I stupidly believed him when he said in his vows on how faithful he was going to be to me. I feel that his porn addiction is him being extremely unfaithful to me. We have sex maybe twice a week but in the beginning of our relationship we used to have 3-5times a week. I feel so ugly and that I cannot compete with those nasty girls on the porn sites. I hate waking up to the bed shaking next to me. Yes, he gets on his laptop in our bed and jacks off to it while I'm "asleep". He does that when I would be more than willing to have sex with him! I hate it. I wish porn never existed. I have confronted him about this issue and he always says that it's not like he's out cheating on me, but I feel that he is cheating on me when he looks at porn. I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I have GAD and this issue has a lot to do with my panic attacks. He has promised to stop looking at it in the past, but that only lasted for about a month. I have given an ultimatum and that didn't work. He does have a sexual disorder where he can't climax unless he does it through self-pleasure. He is also the only guys I've ever been with. I cry a lot because of this. I just don't know what to do. We need some kind of counseling but can't afford it and he's not willing to go to any of the churches I've suggested. I feel that a lot of the time it's hopeless and that I should just let him have his relationship with the porn sites and let me just be his companion. That though breaks my heart too. I love him so very much, I wouldn't have married him otherwise. He always lists off things I can do to help our sex life, but when I try them, I fail every time. I pray all the time to get some relief on this issue. Right now I'm just glad that I'm not alone. I really thought I was for a while until I found this site. I could write novels on this nasty porn issue. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I wish that sex didn't exist. Life would be easier if it didn't. How can an amazing act of love turn out to be something so horrible? There's no one I can turn to to even talk about this. Thank you for creating this forum.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008):

Hello everyone,

The problem is not women or men. I think the problem is the whole concept of marriage, which is unnatural. Studies shows that all those physical reactions, which we mistakenly think is caused by love last around a year, which is exactly the time needed for a woman to get pregnant and bring her child into the world. Now the concept of marriage has been introduced since humans has became civilized and settled down in the middle east. We found out that without marriage there will be chaos. The 2 most strongest instinct of every living beings are eating and reproducing. These instincts are coded in the genes and it would take a long time until they are gone or has been updated. Unfortunately the difference between men and women and how they are aroused sexually always create problems in the relationship. Men are aroused visually. Women in the other hand are very auditive creatures. It is much more harder for men to not be aroused sexually in our society so they are at war with their greatest instinct every day if not every hour. I know that we are at battle with lots of our natural instinct but remember eating and sexual instincts are the greatest and strongest. It would take us a very long time to win. The mission of a man (human) has been the same as any other creatures in this world: to live and create offspring every year so the race can survive. These instincts are still with us and no one can deny that. For men not having new ways to have sex or renews his sex life with/without his partner is one of the most difficult problem to overcome. For women is probably like when they do not feel loved and no one is there to say 'I love you' or sweet words to them. So believe me girls all men are trying, but it's very hard. As I said it is much more harder for men since they are aroused visually.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008):

I am so glad to have found this site.. I will do further reading here when i've time as I'm dying inside from this pain in the arse problem..I could kill my husband for the hurt he's caused.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008):

After eight years of putting up with my husbands lying and porn use we have recently seperated and I have never been happier. I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I first tried marriage therapy (took me eight years to get him there) then he threw in the towel, wouldn't own his addiction and said he would not change and the marriage was over (despite us having two young children).

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008):

See you can satisfy your husband........ put sexy dresses ...and have fun in sex...enjoy feed him..........

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008):

My guy and i have been together for almost a year. I thought we had a great sex life. My sex drive is little higher than his, but I have had the best sex of my life with him....untile the past few months. Now we go weeks without, and when we do it is over in a instant. He has done steriods and now is off them. His first excuse to me was no steriods, no sex drive. We have watched porn together, and I enjoy watching it myself. But more and more i have noticed that he is watching on a regular basis without me, in fact almost every day, I notice he is watching. I have and will do anything sexually except, be with another girl, or be tied up and beaten or abused.We all know as women we want to please our guy. This weekend he said he was bored, after all it has been a year, and know one has sex like they used to. I said you have to work at it! I have to say not only is my heart broken from the comment, but my ego has been totally crushed like never before. I cannot even begin to compete with the girls that are on internet porn. just one "click" and you can see hundreds of beautiful girls. Now my sex drive has gone completely. I feel ugly, I cannot even masturbate. For the first time in my life I am depressed. I do not know what to do to help my self. It is clear he would rather watch than be with me. What a mess!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008):

Let me tell you am 20yr and i been with my husban for almost 3yrs and am pregnant and most of the day he speends it looking at porn. He doset masturbate or anything like it but i feel that he dosent want me like before. But he tells me he just likes to look at it and that his not out in the street with another woman thats his home with me and that he loves me .

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008):

Hi,

wow, im relieved i found this site. I am 35 with an 11 and 7 year old. I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have been married 6. The first time i caught him using porn was 2 years into the relationship, i set the video to tape something on sky and went to bed, when i played the tape the next day, it was porn after porn channels. I realised that he must have been surfing when i went to bed but he didnt know i had the video recording. I didnt bring it up for a few weeks, and he said he was just flicking and didnt watch it, but one programme was on for nearly an hour on the same channel. i brushed it off thinking it was a one off. then this last year i have started working for him, i dont trust him through previous lies about money etc, and i have been getting a lot of spam through my business email account from his company, i am good on the computer and can set up or find anything no matter how he hides it. so once all this sex spam came through via his company email, i looked into his work computer history and he had been going on loads of completely disgusting sites. as we had a non existant sex life, he has ED and prem ejac, i talked myself into the fact that he MIGHT be using this to get ideas to help us in bed...can you believe i would think that rather than hating him... i do HATE him now. he is putting our marriage at risk big time. he always denied it until this week. i feel dirty, unloved etc. i was always a size 10 and i am 6ft tall, i looked great, but after my 7 year old was born i piled on the pounds and ended up a size 22. i put this down to depression and baby blues, now i know he caused my depression, i may have allowed it to happen, but he was the reason. Last year i had enough, i went on a mad doctor controlled diet and lost 6st in 4 months, im back to the gorgeous me! and still, nothing sexually. everyone tells me, god i bet he cant keep his hands off you, i just laugh it off but inside im crying like a baby. we rowed so badly the other week cos i dont trust him and he battered me. i had him arrested and he was jailed for the night, he came home, i allowed it, he has never been violent before, but now im just waiting for the next time. i dont feel loved, i get no hugs or cuddles or kisses, no complements. i have started binge eating again and have gained a full stone since november. i am trying to control my moods and my eating but i just dont trust him. he is going on a course for work soon for 4 nights and ive told him i cant bear it, i dont trust him not to sleep with some girl from the bar at night or hire a bloody prostitute to live out his perverted fantasies. i used to , before i knew this, dress up in a nice basque etc to brighten our sex life, but it didnt do it for him, he would walk past me and make tea etc. then i would feel such a fool for trying, but now, now i know he looks and gets off on this stuff, i feel even more the fool. im crying even writing this, it seems worse when you read it in black and white. I have bipolar disorder too, ( manic depression) only minor but i have meds. he reckons my upset is dwon to that and not him!! ha ha. i only aquired this medical status 3 years into our relationship. holding down a job is hard because of this, so i work with my husband for our company, but we are shutting down and going to work for another firm, better money too, im worried about how i will cope working with him in front of others, not only that, we have our kids in private education, a huge mortgage and loads of debt, i cant see how i could afford to leave him if i took that decision, i feel stuck in a loveless marriage because of cash, PLEASE HELP ME. xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008):

There was a couple of men that wrote in (in 2005...) saying that they look at porn because the woman (women) in their life would not do the things that the porn girls would - now how about this...I'm 25, I work out - try to eat right and have a nice figure - and to add to this I have NEVER been against trying anything - even anal with my husband yet, he still looks at porn, frequently, for long periods of time, and alot of the time it's when I'm home and would be more than willing to have sex with him. So how about that? the only time I've turned down doing anything was AFTER he looked at porn (like right after) becuase I knew he was only going to pretend he was with some 90lb girl with fake boobs and not me (I'm a little bitter...) I've even made videos (playing with a toy) for him - still not enough...I'm depressed and lonely and struggling with an eating disorder... and when he says "I think you look just as hot" (as the porn girls) I just want to scream...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008):

I suffer as well. My husband has always used porn - from day one. I never thought much about it until I realized something was killing our sex life. Don't know what else it could be. I am a wonderful person with a very young, 38-year-old body. I am positive and happy (on the outside) and most will tell you that. My husband got bored in the bedroom after about 10 months or so. Sex dwindled to about once every two months. He satisfies only himself and it only happens when it's dirty: "Oh, you like it this way?" Slap on the butt, etc. etc.

To make matter worse, he has been on psychotropic meds for about a year due to uncontrollable anger. They killed what little was left of his drive, though his anger has dwindled. It has now been about eight months since he has "satisfied himself with me." We've tried but he loses interest.

So now that I've begun to think of being with other men, it's like I walk around with a cheating sign on my back. I have not cheated but did come close once recently. But he senses my unhappiness and is now more loving, attentive, etc. but STILL no sex. It may be a start? I don't know. I think this marriage was doomed from the start but he so acted like everything I wanted. Until he got me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008):

I am 22 years old, married for four years. I have two children by my husband and from day one all it has been is porn. He at one point had tons and tons of asian porn on his computer. Even the screen saver was an asian naked, with milk running down her body ( of course caption was, got milk ). He had video and video of asian women on his computer, none of me. No pictures or anything. I am not fat, he told me if I ever went over 150 ( I am 5'6 ) that he would leave me, I never have. But its still not enough! Add in the fact that he likes to be violent during sex, and looks at porn like this, its scary. I have had bloody noses and welts trying to please him. And still I catch him during the night, when he thinks I am sleeping jacking off to porn. I have tried, hell I have been beaten during sex to try to please him, and I am never enough! He comes in less than five minutes and when he tries to please me ( if he doesnt roll over and go right to sleep, which is his normal routine ) I feel completely dead inside...I roll my eyes and fake it to please him. I can't masturbate on my own without getting sick, much less pleasing myself because off all of the porn and sexual fantasies I have tried to act out for him. He tells me he loves me, and they are just eye candy to him, but I am very scared I am not and never will be enough. He has started hiding sex sites that have community forums for people to get together. I don't know what to do. I don't know if he is really cheating on me, if the porn addiction has progressed that far. If I had the strength to leave him I would. But I do not, I am too young, our kids love him and he is putting me through school. If there is anyone who knows any good sites I could go to please share. Counceling does not do any good...the damn people don't help me. I just vent and vent and get nowhere! I can't talk to him, he refuses to see it as a problem.

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A female reader, yumiko Indonesia +, writes (19 January 2008):

wow..thats good... thats mens:that your husband is normal and having an average libidos...thats good..men which loved to watch porn having much more tricks to satisfy you...you should thankful for that....i wanting an hypersex husbandcoz im a hyper..indeed.. so you should thankful and satisfy him... every single position he wanted to do with you...give him a porn DVD's as a gift... a lubricating gel tubes.. assorted condomss...and if necessary.. use your sexy sleep dress.. he'll love it.

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A female reader, IAMGIRLY United States +, writes (28 December 2007):

I have a dilemma. I have a husband that enjoys watching porn. We just recently separated. He also has a problem with lying and keeping secrets. He called a female one night when I was out with a friend. So I left and told him that things need to change for us to be back together. He agreed to no more lies and secrets but, said that he may watch porn every now and then.He has stated that this is not a promise that he can keep. Which is a great start. At least he's being honest. My dilemma is? Do I compromise or do I stick to my boundaries that I have set. Porn or Me? Do couples really get divorced over casual porn. Or am I just making a big deal out of porn. Is it just a guy thing and really not a deal breaker. Does Porn every now and then warrant a divorce? Do I stay or do I go. I have been married for almost 16 years and been with him for 18 years we have 3 kids a home cars and a mount of debt. All this makes it hard to leave. I love him tons. However his porn makes me feel like I'm not good enough, It hurts to know that he likes to look and see other women having and doing sexual things. It's hard for me because I go back in forth of telling myself " it's not a big deal to it is a big deal. I sometimes even feel guilty that I don't like porn and that I don't let him watch it. I feel guilty that I don't particiapte in porn with him. I feel like other couples and women think it's okay. So I should to. I'm so confused and really just need some feed back from someone else that struggles with these issues.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007):

You just described my husband........I have been living with this for nearly 20 years and haven't been able to deal with it. I love my husband and keep thinking that this will go away or at the very least we can live with it....but it is making me a very unhappy, frustrated and miserable person. I need antidepressants to get up everyday and face the world. I always thought it was me and my weak mind but I am beginning to think that it isn't me and that is my husband's inability to make me feel secure and loved. I can't remember the last time he said he loved me and the last time I asked him why he doesn't tell me he implied that he doesn't love me like he used to. I was crushed.....I have stayed with this man....put up with his obsession given him everything he ever wanted and that's the thanks I get! And even after being told that, I still don't have what it takes to leave. I need help!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2007):

I was married to my X husband for 38 years. He has a stressful job, running his own company. Our sex life has always been when he needs a release. There is no hugging, kissing, cuddling, words of love or anything close. For many years, before our divorce in 2005, we had sex maybe once a month, sometimes not that often. He said he couldn't get an erection and that he has tried all kinds of medications like Viagra; they either don't work, or make him feel bad the next day. He has never made me feel desired,sexy or anything I would like to feel. He never says, I love you. When I asked him why, he says he shouldn't have to keep telling me, that I should know it. We were married right out of high school. I had never had sex with anyone before, until I had an affair 2 years ago. It was a wonderful experience, I felt loved, sexy, desired, much passion and was told how beautiful I am and how much I was loved every day. The problem was, we were both married. I am back living with my X, we are trying to figure out what we are going to do. i know he watches a lot of porn and likes to look at younger women, teens are probably his favorite. He keeps it very well hidden, no one can get on his computer because he has all kinds of passwords. I know he watches it on TV when I'm gone, or in another room... I can hear the volume go down, and that's a signal I have picked up on. After we were first married, I caught him peeking under the bathroom door watching me while I was taking a bath. It scared me, but I never mentioned it to him. He never acted like he wanted to look at me when I was in plain sight. I know all men like to look at women, but he likes to do it when he thinks no one knows he's looking. I know he had a larger collection of porn at his office locked up in a room that he was the only one that had a key. I know he watches it while he is at work. he has a TV in his office, it's pretty much like a living room. There is a lot more I could say, but I know this is already to much. the bottom line is, I never get a hug, kiss, an I love you, or anything close. I really never knew what it felt like to be a woman until I had the affair. He wants things to workout between us. But, I know he will always be watching me. He had my computer bugged, cell phone bugged, had me followed and pictures taken of me having sex with the other guy... he does all of this well, since that is his line of business. I just want to be made feel like a woman, not a child, be loved and feel affection, feel sexy, feel passion, in other words feel normal. I have been told by so many people I don't look my age, they say I look like I'm in my early 40"s, when in fact, I'm in my late 50"s. I always thought there was something wrong with me, that I was unattractive and not capable of feeling any passion or be made feel desired. I think he has a problem, can anyone help me here?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007):

My husband watches porn as well and I have resorted to checking out his computer behind his back. I am almost thirty and most of the porno he looks up is about younger girls. This worries me on so many levels!!!not to mention that he treats our sex life like it is some kind of job. He also says that I am insecure and he should not be responsible for my self-esteem. That maybe so but his constant viewing makes it worse. I started taking anti-depressants and now when I catch him doing it and become obviously upset he say "did you take your meds today?" like I am a crazy person. He will also say "why are you hurt it's not like Ive been horrible to you". I don't know what to feel about it any more and I am starting to feel more numb as time passes. I just feel that it is only a matter of time before he leaves me for some 19 year old. I don,t know if this helps you, but I feel less alone and prudesh now so thank you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007):

I am only 20 years old i have been married for 3 years i catch my husband with porn every couple of months i gave him the choice of porn or me he says he will quit but never does should i leave him

20 year old female

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007):

Dear lonely wife,

I too am a lonely wife and I have been through what you have. It became so bad with his porn addiction that I felt very suicidal. I joined a support group with women in the same situation. At least 95% of these women now cheat on their husbands with other men. (We all concluded that porn is the same a cheating) and since my husband cut me off from sex for over two years (he was busy masturbating to porn), I decided to cheat. I do not believe in masturbation with a plastic vibrator. I prefer a real penis.

With all of the Sexually transmitted diseases around, I will not have sex with a man unless he wears a condom, I will not have sex with a man who is married because I do not want to cause hurt to innocent wives, children. I do not want to cause a love triangle scenario and most important, the men I have sex with must show me their drivers license in conjunction with a recent negative HIV and Herpes test. As far as the cheating, I felt very guilty, slutty, ashamed etc...for a long time, Now I feel beautiful, fulfilled emotionally and sexually.

I am a very attractive professional college graduate woman in my 30's and my husband and I have two teenage daughters. They caught their father watching porn. Now they "hate him" and will not have a thing to do with him. Cheating is not the answer to everything. One has to be emotionally ready to be capable of handling this(you actually have to train and re-direct your brain to "think like a man"). Cheating helps me redirect my thinking process thus I am now emotionless to men. I was faithful sexually, emotionally etc..to my husband for our entire marriage and I found out that he had been using porn the entire marriage even on our honeymoon! I have caught him in lies many times and I realized that he probably had extra marital affairs. Why should I be denied of sex, romance, passion, etc..Besides it is a common fact that "MEN DO NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED" unless there is something in it for them, such as needing a wife to have kids with, needing a wife to feed their ego, needing a wife to take care of them when they are ill, needing a wife to cook, clean, take care of kids etc....Since this is the case, then I rest my case, "Men are indeed needy!"

Here is how I cheat: When I catch my husband masturbating to porn, I work out at my local health club. I like to swim, and ride the bike, I pamper myself and indulge in the hot tub and a nice shower with lovely perfumes. I have a bag packed with a sexy dress, laungerie, perfumes, I usually have 3 guys I can phone while working out and usually one is always available. We meet for dinner, movie or dancing, then we usually go to the guys house (I don't do hotels because there is a good chance the guy is married) and I will not be with a married man.

Depending how we both feel, we usually have great romance, passion, sex, great conversation etc..If one or both of us are tired and we don't have sex, the romantic experience and the great conversation suits me just fine. "Sex is just icing on the cake".

I feel great and emotionally stable after the guy tells me I look pretty and sexy etc.. I come home and I am evasive when my husband "asks me where I went" I do not lie, I just give him the same un communicating silent treatment he gives me, I just do not respond and I walk away. As a result of everything that has transpired, I filed for divorce. Now after the fact, my husband realized that he hurt and destroyed the marriage and he wants me back and he promises he will never use porn again. (I am wondering if he is just saying this because he is sick with heart problems. I refuse to be his care giver as I have been for years) I on the other hand I am a changed woman and I will start my life all over again with my daughters. I do not want my husband back, I am a changed woman and "The damage is already done" and there is no turning back!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007):

I feel your pain. I have been married 17 years and my husband would rather look at porn than be with me. Of my 17 years of marriage this has been going for 17 years. So I know how you feel when you say you are dead inside.

The internet just made it worse. He has a fetish that makes me sick and I have tried to do what he wants and then, what happens the only time he is interested in me is if his fetish is involved and he still does not make love to me and still keeps looking at the porn. So the crap about trying to fulfil his needs is just that crap - I have tried to willing go along with him but his addiction is still there.

If it was not for my two children I would have left him years ago. The way I look at it is, I have 6 years until my youngest graduates from high school and I will be free of the hell I am living.

Counseling is good if he will do it, mine refuses to - he claims to be a counseler by nature (HA!) - If you don't have children and he doesn't go to marriage counseling, MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!!! There is someone out there waiting to give you all the love and attention you need

and want!

I wish you well, No One understands how lonely and broken hearted women like us are, unless they are sharing the same shoes we are walking in.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007):

i am so so sorry to hear this - It makes me so sad that he has turned to this crude & demeaning satisfaction - these disgusting porno people are sick & depraved- you are a real loving woman who has stuck by himfor better or worse- do look after yourself-

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007):

I don't get it...men look at porn and it is the women's problem? Women might feel more like being sexual if men were not such selfcentered jerks. How can I be turned on by a man who don't think I am the best?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2006):

The anonymous male reader's reply on 15 July hit the nail on the head. Most of us men look at the porn, and even fantasize with it.... But many of us loving, devout and caring husbands do it because of what the women in the porn sites and videos do. I would think that most partners and wives would figure this one out. Can't you tell that your husband or boyfriend is searching for something that he terribly would lkike to do with his wife? IF we can't get it in one place, we'll at least enjoy it in porn and wish it was our wives. Do you understand this? We don't want our wives to be slut freaks, etc..... most of us men would simply like a little more variety, spice, fun, sure, even some dirty stuff, etc.... just some times.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2005):

I am a regular user of pornography, perhaps to the level of addiction.

The reason I use pornography is that the women on the screen do exactly what I want, and I have never found a woman who would do exactly what I want.

If I found that perfect woman, then she would be off with Mr perfect, and would have nothing to do with me.

So I satisfy my urges for the type of sex that I want. Of course I ask my partner if she likes these things first, but no means no then I want these things but cannot have them, so pornography gives me that.

Also, porn women are undemanding, so you know you are in control of the situation.

Not that that gives you any solution, but perhaps you can understand the logic behind it.

Men use porn to get what they want. If I could get it from my partner without begging, threatening or playing mind games, I would but I can't.

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A female reader, mamma +, writes (12 July 2005):

Don't let yourself go just because this selfish man would rather get his kicks from people who would probabaly never look twice at him.

Start going out and finding things that dont involve him things that make you feel good.Tell him if he doesnt stop this and get help then you will leave him. Give him a time limit (1 month)and tell him if nothing has changed in that month then you are gone.

You deserve better than this you need to find someone who will treat you right and make you feel sexy again and when you do be sure to tell your husband ALL the details i know this may sound weird but he needs to know just what he has given up on.Dont let him drag you down show him that you dont need him to feel good about yourself but that there are other men out there who will do this for you.Leave him in his little depraved world and get out before he totally strips you of all your self worth.

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A male reader, ticketman +, writes (12 July 2005):

that sucks, you need to get yourself in the gym look better than ever, then ask for a divorce and go "date" someone that will satisfy you in everyway you deserve!!!!

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A female reader, orchidblossom +, writes (12 July 2005):

Men and women are different. Women show affection through emotional love, men do so with physical love. Point blank- men need sex, they need it often, and it needs to be spiced up every so once in awhile. This is the responsibility of both parties. However, he should not be replacing you with porn.

What makes a relationship work is 1)compromising and 2)communication. Sit down with him and let him know how you feel (without blaming or getting upset). Offer suggestions, like couples sex therapy, marriage counseling, or both. Research other ways to spice up your sex life. Perhaps take a romantic vacation.

If your husband loves you, he should understand how you feel and be willing to compromise. He should put in 110% effort (just as should you) to make the marriage work. Honestly ask yourself: are you truley doing everything you can to make it work? If your husband is unresponsive, then you might want to reconsider your relationship.

Be strong, love yourself (and your body!), and good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2005):

Your husband is a sexual addict and he needs to own up to that addiction. The problem is not you, it's him and his weaknesses. When it comes to porn addiction, so many husbands attempt to play the blame shifting game. “If you had done this or that, I wouldn’t feel the need to use pornography.” The most common form of blame shifting that we hear is when the husband says, “You’re just insecure. All men do it.” In just seven words, he manages to shift the blame twice. First he shifts the blame for his wife’s own pain onto her. “You’re just insecure.” Then he blames society for making it okay. “All men do it.” Two sentences. Two lies. The man never stops to consider that he is doing little more than drilling holes in his wife’s heart.

As is the case with any addiction, it is imperative that the he “owns” his addiction. All of the blame-shifting tactics in the world will not change the fact that his behavior belongs to him and him alone. He is in control of his own behaviours, thoughts and choices in life. Even if one's marriage is one that is wrought with other unspoken problems – problems that make intimacy difficult -that's still not an excuse to use porn. For one thing, porn never satisfies. It may give the illusion that it satisfies, but the reality is that it never satisfies the need that is at the root of the pornography use problem. It only sparks the desire for more of the same. Second, by doing so, the husband does little more than to show exactly how weak he is. A life of moral good & love of family requires far more diligence and strength than does a life of indiscretion, which he has chosen.

Is there hope for the marriage? Yes.. but first- the husband must "grasp the reality" that his actions are destructive to his wife and toward the marriage in general.

You need serious marriage counselling. You should set a deadline for him to show that he is willing to enter a serious program to help him kick the habit. There is help available. Once his addiction is out in the full light, its power is diminished..he mustn't let shame control him. Pornography is as addictive as alcohol, drugs and nicotine. It causes actual changes to brain chemicals in the same way that cocaine does. It will not stop by itself. Just like addictive substances, he will need more and harder core porn to keep the brain chemicals at the same level. He needs serious help today and there should be close monitoring of his progress.

If he refuses to get help-walk out and leave before he drags you down into the hell he's gotten himself into. And please find a support group you can get involved with. You will need to heal from this horrible experience. Good luck and god bless

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