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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Yesterday made it 3 weeks since there was an order in my country to close non-essential businesses due to the current pandemic. I worked from home and my husband and his mother's food business was closed. He rarely spends time with me and our kids. Whilst the world is in a crisis, I saw some positive in having family time. I was so happy to have him home spending quality time and our eldest was so happy as his dad rarely plays with them. He sometimes is so bitter towards his father; as my uncle, who has a son, who is also 10, carries my cousin fishing, playing in the park, whatever you name it. Recently my son said to his father, you never even thought me how to ride a bike. My husband didn't have much of a response. From the very first day my husband was home, he kept saying he wants to go and spend time with his mother because he is concerned about her. He never appreciated the opportunity to be there for our kids. He was so tired of being at home from the very second day. Since he has had to close his business, he visited his mom on several occasions. Yesterday he claimed his mother asked him to spend the night. The thing with my husband, he doesn't care to discuss anything with me. If he decides he wants to do something, he will do it without communicating with me. My left eye was swollen, and I had terrible headaches from yesterday. This morning the swelling decreased but my eye was still hurting and I had headaches. He still decided to go by his mother. He knew I wasn't well, whole day he never picked up his phone to call to see how I was doing. 4 hours ago I called him, and I asked him if he's coming, he said he doesn't know just yet, his mother wants him to spend the night. I told him he knows I'm not feeling well, he got angry and said so f... away with my mother. I told him I never said anything like that and I am not feeling well. This man never said well I hope you feel better, he just shouted at me and hung up.This hasn't been the first time a situation like this occurred. Sometimes I just feel to leave him be. He never called to say if he decided to stay with his mom. He would never see his actions as wrong. And when he yelled at me, a family friend was right there.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2020): Thanks for all the responses.I did in fact got pregnant at a really young age. With my first pregnancy, my husband asked my father to have my hand in marriage. My father didn't approve as I was doing my degree. My parents were really strict and I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. When I got to meet my husband when we were dating, the little time I had to spend with him, I never saw him to be a mama's boy. I thought the love I had for him was mutual. I longed for the day that I would have gone home to him and not have to run back to my parent's home. When we got married, he was really excited for us to live together. All that time, he never showed signs of being a mama's boy. Mainly because he did not have a good relationship with his mother when I met him. His mother was in an abusive relationship with a man who was years younger than she was. So there was bitterness between that man and my husband. One day, when my husband saw the man hitting his mother, and he went to defend her, she went and made a police report against my husband because he and the man got physical. My husband went to do make as police report as well, only to find out the many times he and the man argued, she used to make reports against her own son for this man saying my husband threatened him. She literally chose the man over her own son. My husband had a dog who had some pups. He sold some and there was one pup who got ill and he cared dearly for, so he decided to keep her, only to realize, his dear mother stole the pup to give her bf to sell it since he was in need of some funds. SO he did not have a good relationship with his mother. The guy eventually moved out but still maintains a relationship with my mother in law.
When we just got married, we were renting. Two years later, he renovated his home that is on the same piece of land of his mother's home. Never suspected him of being a mama's boy while living there. All I knew was his mother did not like him to help out around the house. My parents blessed us with a home after and we moved, yet again. My husband wanted us to move from by his mother as it was not a good environment for our kids. So he was happy, or so I thought. When I got married, I thought I would have been so happy with him, as my parents were so strict and I couldn't go anywhere as I would have liked to. So to spend time with him was something I looked forward to. And he made me feel that he wanted the same thing.
I am always the one who has to take care of our kids and there were times where I expressed how I felt, working an seeing about our kids with little help from him. He just made it looked as though I saw them as a burden to me. I am just so tired.
His mother doesn't need any medical attention. SHe is hypertensive though. And people who are hypertensive are high risk with this covid-19. SHe doesn't live by herself either. Her brother and 2 of her sons live with her. Two days ago, when my husband went by her, he came back and said one of his brothers, one of his sisters and his mother told him I have him whipped, because he left to come home. he said they were angry with him because they wanted him to stay. His sister is married and would not even spend the night. That same sister said to him when we just got married and he moved out to rent, she told him leave me and come back home.
I told him today, about my post and told him how people view him. He of course does not agree to him being a Mama's boy or to him not being a family man. He played like he wanted to be affectionate. But I felt so disgusted towards his actions. My father would say he is not a family man. My dad sometimes wonder how did I chose someone totally opposite to him. My father treated me like a princess. He treats my mother like a queen. He showed me how a man supposed to treat a woman and how a father should be. My husband is the total opposite. There were times he stayed at his mom's home late. I asked him, if we didn't have any kids, if he would leave me home alone late at nights while he is by his mother, or out drinking with his friends, brother or sister. He said never...he said he would not be coming home so late and leaving me alone. So I had to ask him if he is just running from our kids or if he just wants me to be locked down. He didn't answer. SO I asked him, if he would be afraid to allow me to have a little freedom. He was speechless.
For the 1st two weeks of lockdown, he was really helpful with our kids, cooking, cleaning, washing...don't get me wrong, he would normally help. But spending quality time, giving us his undivided attention, watching a movie with the kids, taking them to the park, fishing...he has little to no interest. Our kids are home, he wouldn't help with their work. From the third week, he started going by his mother almost every day. I finish working at 8pm. There are times I need to wrap up until 9pm. But when he leaves to go by his mother and he come back...he is sleeping on himself. had times I needed to work until 9pm but had to wrap up early to put our boys to bed. And every morning, his mother will call him and ask if he is coming. I am just tired.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2020): Your eldest child is already working out the type of person his father is, it doesn't do anyone any good to stick in a n unhappy, dysfunctional relationship. He shouldn't be visiting his mother during lockdown anyway - unless he is specifically caring for her for medical needs but it doesn't sound like that from what you've written. It sounds like he's just hiding around her house to avoid any responsibility to his own wife and children. Lots of mothers and fathers would swap the world to be in his position and have this time with their families, but they can't because they're the key workers. I personally could not tolerate being with someone who wasn't actively involved in the lives of the children they helped create and would be asking him to leave. He spends enough time at his mother's house anyway he can pack his things up and move in with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2020): If he's not a family man to begin with, that's not going to magically change just because you're quarantined. He's used to working and having time to himself, and now that routine has been disrupted so he's trying to find other ways to have time to himself, such as spending time with his mother. He's not doing anything wrong. You may not like it, but that's how he is and always been. It's not fair nor reasonable to expect him to suddenly change. If anything, you pushing him to do what YOU want to do (spend time with family) is annoying him and pushing him away.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2020): You married a momma's boy then you had kids with him. I'm sure he was a momma's boy while you were dating and early in the marriage but you chose to stay and have kids.
He's not going to change. I mean he son called him out and he just shrugged, that shows how little you and your children mean to him.So you need to decide are you better off with him or without him. And it seems to me you're without him anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2020): Perhaps his distancing from the family stands-out more apparent now; than when he had his business to use as his excuse. He's not married to his mother, and she is not the mother of his children. Now take into account that older-people are the higher-risk category. More likely to succumb to the more serious complications that come with Covid-19. I'm in no position to tell you what's going-on in your husbands's head; but his behavior doesn't seem to be helping. He should be your rock, and making the kids feel safe. Not running home to mama; while leaving his wife and kids begging for his presence.
How is being mean and negligent to his own family making him a better son? His own son notices that he shows indifference; and even called him out on it! He is purposely avoiding confrontation with you, and questions from the children; because a lousy-father and/or husband never wants to be held to task for being one. They do it without guilt; but avoid and deflect any criticism. The saddest part is, the way they can be so totally nasty; if you corner them. I'm preaching to the choir here, I know. Do allow him some benefit of the doubt. He is afraid of losing his livelihood. He doesn't know how he's going to contribute to supporting his family, or pay the bills. If his mother has medical-issues, he is afraid of losing her. I assume his father is deceased? He deserves some empathy in that regard. He may be running to his mother to hide his panic. He can't bear you seeing him so scared!
He has to come home sooner or later. If his mother lives alone, he will have to make frequent wellness-checks on her. That's a given. That doesn't justify abandoning his family during a lethal pandemic. If she is alone, you can spare him for a night. He should make such decisions with you, not in spite of you. Making unilateral-decisions and dismiss your input are issues that you've allowed to go on from the start. Now it's gotten out-of-hand. He seems to be a total prick, to begin with!!! Under all this tension, and during this present crisis; you can't address such issues. It's stoking the flames! He's being unreasonable, and maybe he's a bully by nature; but trying to make him a sweet dad and loving-husband should have been dealt with long before it came to this point.
You are probably seeing him for whom he truly is under the current circumstances; where you previously accepted his convenient excuses, or simply sat in-denial. People handle a crisis in their own way. A man's first-priority and responsibility is caring for and protecting his wife and children; he and his wife are of one flesh. He owes his mother his life, for sure. He has all these responsibilities; and its part of what a real-man does. He does not forsake one for the other.
I think you should video-link with your primary-care doctor; or contact your designated medical-advisor under your healthcare-policy, about your headaches and the swollen-eye. If your country is practicing social distancing, perhaps having family-friends coming and going isn't a good idea at the present. You can only keep track of the comings and goings of those in your immediate household; not those who don't live under the same roof. That's primarily how people are getting infected.
Your husband going back and forth to his mother may not be a great idea; if you are showing symptoms of flu or infection. Assuming she is 60, or older. It is being determined that age may not be as much of a factor; as whether you have underlying conditions. Like high or low blood-pressure, asthma, diabetes, lupus, or any immunodeficiency disease; which may determine whether the disease can be more brutal, or fatal. Get medical-advice at once!!! Deal with him later.
If he is being combative and acting without discussing his whereabouts with you, then stop asking. Stop calling. Let the children contact him whenever they want to; but you should back-off. You're not getting a positive-response, or you're being yelled at. Don't allow the children to witness you being abused, or upset. They've got enough on their innocent little minds dealing with all this.
Be safe, and minimize human-traffic coming in and out of your home for the time being. It appears your marital-problems came before this pandemic. Don't expect him to suddenly become someone he never really was with his family.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2020): And your question is?
You married a man who has clearly demonstrated he's a mama's boy who has little to no interest in being a husband or a father. Expecting him to magically change into something he's not is totally unrealistic if not delusional.
You need to accept the inconvenient truth that he is who he is
and adjust your expectations (or lack thereof) accordingly.
You have to decide if you're better off with him or without him because he's not going to change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2020): You have a 10 year old and you're aged 26-29? If my maths serve me right, you got together at a young age. Your husband does not sound as if he is a family man at heart. Did you get pregnant and then marry? Was it something he wasn't entirely on board with at the time, but did what was expected of him? If so, you are both reaping the results of putting the cart before the horse. Pregnant and then marriage.Maybe his mother really is in need of him, or maybe it is just where he would rather be. It sounds as if they're isn't much love coming to you or your child from him. It sounds as if he cares little about you. I don't know why this is, you sound as if you are still very much in love with him.If I were you, I would leave him be. You cant make him want to come home and if you succeed in persuading him to, I don't think the result will be what you want. He wont suddenly be happy to be home, suddenly be a family man, suddenly be the man you want him to be.It does sound as if he is maybe under pressure too, with the closure of the business, not a good time for you to be applying more pressure.Leave him be and get on as best you can without him. He will appreciate being left alone and hopefully more open to discussing with you (when the lockdown is over) how he feels about this marriage and what he wants. He knows what you want. Do you know how he really feels?Time to find out, when this is all over. Good luck.
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