A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my husband has walked out on me after 5 years of marriage. He hasnt told me where he has gone and hasnt been in touch at all.Before he went he blamed me for everything, that wasnt right in our relationship.I didnt know there was anything wrong,he told me he didnt want to be with me anymore and he wanted to worry about himself and not me.He blamed my children and family,and said he could not handle them being around.We were living at my mothers as we had just come back from abroud, but this wasnt permenant. He has abandoned me and my kids, and i dont no what to do. Shall i just leave him be and wait for him to contact me, or should i try and contact him.Its driving me mad not knowing where he is, and my life is completely on hold.I dont think its fair on me or my children,and im scared of the future.I still love him and want to work things out but i dont no what to do for the best, but i need to no what to do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dee's Mom  +, writes (24 May 2012):
I was married for 34 yrs and my husband walked out on me,I love him but since he has been gone I realize that I was never wanted to be treated like that again, very emotional and verbally, and sometimes physical abusive, I regret putting my children thru that, I willl never allow myself to beg no one to love me again, I deserve the best and so do you, Quit right now feeling sorry for yourself, love your children, and good luck
A
female
reader, Nubile  +, writes (6 July 2009):
"My husband walked out on me and my children, he is uncontactable, I still love him but should I still wait for him?"
You could wait a long time... and he might come back, but could you ever really trust him? or would it just be a matter of time until he left again?
You are lucky to be a your Moms and have the support I'm sure she provides, so say a prayer of thanks, hug your kids, cry a lot, go to church/mosque/synagogue, join a support group, and see a lawyer.
Most lawyers will provide a free consultation, and at least give you some idea of how to proceed. You may not know where he is, but the government knows and will help get you the money you and your kids deserve from him.
God bless
...............................
A
female
reader, Charlea +, writes (3 May 2009):
Believe me sweetheart, I know you must feel torn but trust Mel. It's hard to take the truth when it's not what you're hoping to hear but bear in mind what your close one's have said about your situation - virtually ALL my family and friends (the people who DON'T RUN when the going gets tough) knew he was bad for me and my little one. Listen to those who love you regardless.
My live in 'partner' of two years has today walked out on us yet again; it's becoming almost blase - FOR HIM !! He goes back to his rented accommodation, out for a beer with the boys and walks back into our home and lives once, twice, four times a week as he sees fit and we mould our lives and time around him. Maybe your man has more integrity than mine and I truly hope he does otherwise you risk becoming a doormat like I did.
While I,ve been in turmoil my young son hasn't had the best from me... today I decided to change that, so, instead of pining after a loser I played whole-heartedly with my bairn and almost cried with laughter, as did he!
Connect with your babies, they have so much love to give and receive;
Never chase after a man or a bus - There's always another one following;
Leave them alone and they'll come home (And if they don't they're probably going round in circles but we don't have to stay on the ride do we?).
If you know what's good for you, you know what's GOOD for YOU ! !
Best of everything chick,
Charlea
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): It has just happened to me !!!!! two weeks tomorrow !!! It is like someone died,except you didnt get the funeral or goodbyes .I know deep down there is no way back from this ,because i would never trust him again.I just want an amicable end....not like this!!! Got a one line e-mail yesterday...saying he is sorting out his head!!!!I know what i have to do......but its very hard.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): I just came upon this group because I'm going through something similar - a recent divorce where the ex has pretty much severed contact with the kids. I don't generally reply to stuff like this, but I felt I needed to respond to "Peoriamam." He made the comment about how men are people too or some such thing and that men have the right to run off to deal with stuff. That's nonsense. Running is cowardly. It means you aren't strong enough or intelligent enough to deal with conflict. Running is something you do if your house is burning down and there's no way you're gonna live unless you get out. It's not something you do when you've got children. What is it with people becoming parents who don't even know how to take care of a hamster?
As for the original question - you're husband is a wank. He is telling you it's the children's fault - your fault. Well, um - no, actually it's his. Had he had the balls to talk to you and decide what's best for the kids and the family in general, then he might be worth something. As it is now, he's a pathetic waste of oxygen. He really would be better off shooting himself if he's such a coward. At least then he'd be putting blame where it belongs - on himself, not his kids!
Please, don't ever tell your kids that their dad left because of them (even if the dickhead tells you this). The reason he left has nothing to do with any of you - it has to do with his own inability to handle conflict. You're way better off without him. And so are your kids.
You'll be okay. Find a support group and take time to heal. Fall in love with yourself. Do something you've always wanted to do but never could before - like go back to school or take singing lessons. Make your new life exciting, and don't fear it. You're more powerful than you think - this jerk was using all your power before; now you've got it back, and you can use it for yourself this time!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your advice,still haveny heard from him,but i hav found out which area he is living in at least,he has been gone a week now,i want to get in touch but im afraid.sometimes ignorance is bliss,but agony not knowing.perhaps he,s scared to contact me but i dont know.
...............................
A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 Can I just say that running out and finding another man is not the answer. The last thing your kids need is to experience one father figure going out the back door as another comes through the front.
Spend time to heal your family.
Mel
...............................
A
female
reader, imnotcircumsized +, writes (6 December 2007):
 He sounds like a dickhead. You should watch the movie "Committed" starring Heather Graham (not sure if that's how you spell her name). It reminds me of your situation, and it always helps me when I read a book or watch a movie that I feel kind of has something to do with a problem that I have.
And I say you go out, find a new man that will really appreciate you and your kids. If he's done this once, who's to say he won't do it again once and if you do get him back. And if he was to come back, HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU.
...............................
A
female
reader, agony anuts rubby +, writes (6 December 2007):
 hello,
my name is agony anut rubby and iam here to help you.
Befor i start i would just like to say i know nothing about your relationship so iam not here to judge anyone.
First of all your husband has walked out on you and not told you where he as gone which is not fair on the kid's.
he blamed you for things because he knows he's in the wrong too.He should never say he could not handle the kids round him.but having family members around all the time can get to much for some people.It is going to drive you mad not knowing where he is or what he maybe doing but you have got to be strong as the days and weeks go by you will get stronger.each tear you cry will be painfull but you will become a stronger person.if he really do's love you he will get back in touch with you.Has an old friend said to me once "the person that is right for you will look for you, you dont find the right person they find you".
It is not fair on you or your children.
wait for him to get in touch with you. tell the children what has happened the best was you can.
good luck rubbyxxx
ps dont forget by waiting your becoming stronger.
pps if you need more help get in touch iam always here.
...............................
A
female
reader, missmel34 +, writes (6 December 2007):
You didn't say how long he has been gone for. If hes been gone for a few days, hes probably just having a mini melt down.
However if hes been gone for more than a few weeks, you're going to have to pull yourself together. And I know, this is the hard one, my ex took off and hasn't had contact with the children for 2 years.
The thing is sweetie, I'm gonna tell you something that I've been told over and over since my marriage started breaking up. And I hate hearing it, it drives me insane...but here it goes.
The fact is, you are the mother of these kids. You have to put them first. When we have children, we become secondary. Not only do we have to care for our childrens physical needs we have to care for our kids emotional needs.
1) You cannot fall apart here, you have to be strong...for them. Sure at night, cry yourself to sleep...we have all done that. But seriously, don't drag your kids down, the sooner you accept whats happening the better for them.
2) If hes gone, he can't come back. For a man to walk out on you and your kids the way he has, thats it, over. Even if he begged to, don't let him back into your lives, he is unpredictable and detrimental to your childrens emotional security. This point relates to my opening statement. Mini meltdown excluded.
3)Start making plans that involves you and your kids. You are family now, reassure them of that, and in turn you are reassuring yourself.
I remember going through this with my kids, looking at them and seeing "my family"...men can come and go sweetie, but the bond you have with your children will never wane.
Its coming into xmas, and a new year. Talk with your kids about how you all want the new year to be, what dreams do you all want. Be positive. I know its hard, but try. Plan something special for just you and them.
4) Be honest with yourself and your kids. This is where it gets tricky, because on one hand you want to protect your children, and you should...but on the other hand you must be honest with them.
In some respects we can't wrap them in a bubble so they never see how harsh the world can be, and why would you want to...then they hit 18 and boy oh boy what a shock!
The fact is, tell them that hes gone. Tell them that he just wasn't strong enough to hang in there. Say no one did anything wrong, he just had his own issues. Reassure them, that together you will all move on, talk about the future. Be honest, the guys messed up, its his problem not yours.
The fact is, you will have this talk many times. I have it once a month with my oldest daughter. Whenever shes feeling vulnerable, she asks why...and I tell her the same stuff, what more can I say.
He simply couldn't handle the responsiblity that a family is. He is the ones missing out...not you.
5) Start making financial plans for your future. Financial security is very important, whether is finding a good job or finding a home to live in. Don't feel you can't do these things on your own. You can!!! If I can do it, you can. When my husband left me, he left me with nothing, no money, I wasn't working, I had 3 young children...and unknown to me, a huge rent arears that got me evicted.
It gets easier as time goes on, look after yourself. Organise for time on your own so you can grieve.
My heart is with you.
Please message me if you need to talk.
God bless.
Mel
...............................
|
