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My husband tells me that he doesn't find me physically attractive. That hurts!

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Question - (13 January 2006) 2 Answers - (Newest, 15 January 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid,

My husband made a statement to me last night, he said if physical appearance was the reason for lovng me I would be long gone by now. It's not the first time he has hurt my feelings like that. However, he finds porn stars very attractive and when I ask about his interest in them, he says that he just looks at them because he wants to practice his art/sketches. How can I stop myself from being hurt by these comments?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2006):

Can I just say that IF your husband is in the same physical shape as he was when you met then yes, he does have a right to expect you to maintain the same level of self preservation.

I am a Fitness Professional and when I met my, now husband he was in excellent physical condition (save for smoking). I am in the same condition I was in the day he met me, fit healthy and in his own words, sexy. He however has put on a lot of weight mostly on his abdomen and lost all his muscle tone. The most annoying thing is that he passes comment on other if they have gained weight like he is perfect. I asked him once if he thought I should put on the same amount of weight and he actually had the nerve to say that he would hate it if I did!??! Yet if I say to him (at first gently but he took no notice and said there was just more to love) he got all wingey as you are in your letter. Saying I hurt his feelings! How does he think I feel having to be with someone I am no longer sexually attracted to in the way I was. He is only 35 and can change this if he put effort into drinking less and taking at least the martial arts classes he used to do.

So my answer is, that IF your husband is as I am and takes pride in his physical being-looking after his health and wellbeing as well as well as his attractiveness for you his wife then YES you do have to be as concerned for your own self in the same way. It is not fair to expect him to marry a slim fit sexy woman and then a few years later be lying next to a woman twice that size. And the same goes for men who just let themselves get out of shape. If however he is as out of shape as my husband now is then NO he has NO right to say that to you. It is everyones duty to do their best to maintain their physical being be that for health or attraction purposes.

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A female reader, mommyofthree +, writes (13 January 2006):

mommyofthree agony auntI don't think you can stop yourself from being hurt by comments like that. That is a terrible thing to say to anyone, but especially your wife. I am hoping that somewhere behind that comment was a meaning more along the lines of he is attracted to you in more ways than your physical self, but that is probably just me being optimistic. If I were you I would tell him that the comments he makes are hurtful and that you expect to be treated as you would teach any child to treat people, if he can't say something nice, he should keep his dumb ass mouth shut! Good luck.

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