A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband has 2 children from his first marriage, I don't have any and we do not have children together yet. He pays maintenance for the kids regularly and in full. The problem is that there always seem to be extra expenses and things they need that he ends up paying for, and then he does not have enough money for himself or his contribution to our household budget and I end up paying his share as well as my own. I am becomeing resentful about this as I think he already pays more than enough in maintenance and I feel as if I'm being used and I'm just handy for money - after all I don't have kids to spend it on is his argument, so why shouldn't I pay our bills. I am concerned about this situation especially if we are going to start a family together. An obvious solution would be for him to get a higher paying job but although he's tried no success so far and he's stopped looking. Am I being unreasonable?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): It depends on what he's paying for above and beyond what's specified in the court agreeement. If it's braces, clothes, haircuts, insurance copays, then he needs to pay that and take care of his kids. there are always extra expenses with kids you don't predict. If you feel you are paying more than your fair share, you can downsize or limit some of your luxury items like cable movie channels to lower your budget so he can equally contribute.
A
female
reader, Godchild  +, writes (5 March 2011):
I think that him paying extra should be only if he have money left after covering child support and what u guys have. His responsibility is also with you and the household you guys share. I think you should remind him of that too. I dont think your being selfish ,but a reason to be concern. Hope all works out
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A
male
reader, ironman777 +, writes (5 March 2011):
Im in the same situation as your husband. he will want to pay maintenance in full because its the best thing for his kids. Believe me, the formula really doesnt compare with what the kids would of had if they were still a family.If you were to start afamily it would probably force him to rethink how he would split his resources or get the right experience to get better jobs.I know its hard to make ends meet, he just really loves his kids. Why dont you try and get the kids living 50% of the time with you then you can apply for the maintenance to be reduced.
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A
male
reader, yankit +, writes (5 March 2011):
I don't think unreasonable is the term, maybe overly defensive. You do know you can go back to court for a readjustment of the settlement if you folks are in financial straights bu that just passes the burden over to the ex or makes the kids suffer. The kids come first then your needs.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): You two need to come together on your commitment to this relationship and how you deal with money. They are interlinked. It's great that he's being responsible and doing his part for his kids. (I agree with pashanoodle on this 100%).Resentments related to money can (and do) tear a relationship apart, especially when one person starts to feel as if they are being forced to carry more load than the other.The expense of the kids needs to be budgeted, as does some discretionary money for him - he can choose to spend that money on the kids, or going out... or buying something he wants.Additional funds need to be set aside for your combined savings, holidays, home repair, dining out... etc.This is only hard to do, if one of the partners refuses to participate.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 I don't think your feeling resentful about this situation is unreasonable, but it's probably something you are going to have to try and work through - yourself, and as a couple. Your husbands children are his responsibility - and I imagine he loves them dearly and would want the best for them despite no longer being married to their mother, they are a part of his life and nothing will change that.All I can suggest is that if you feel so strongly about not 'paying his share' of your joint expenses then you stop that. You pay your half and expect him to pay his - if you keep paying more you are in fact enabling him to pay for extra things for the kids - if you don;t he is forced to just pay the maintenance amount and that's it. That's the only thing you have some control over in this situation. This is something you guys really will need to discuss and make decisions about if you are thinking of having children of your own - your resentment will only grow if you don't work through this before then.
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