| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid:I have been married for 5 years. I have noticed in the recent past that my husband seems very attracted to tall skinny women. I am neither. I confronted him with this today asking him why he ogles at these women, there have been two so far. He says I'm attracted to them, but that doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with them. k, fine, but he ogles them right in front of me. It's like I suddenly disappear and he becomes infatuated with this person. One time he even said to me "if it hadn't been for you I could go for her!" That really hurt. I love him and I know he loves me, but this really bugs me. Please help. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, blondecatlover  +, writes (30 May 2009):
i have just started a relationship with a gorgeous guy.
He is very attractive and every time we are out together he oggles other women, much younger than me.
Last night i totaly lost it with him, told him in no uncertain terms to leave, which he did.
Today he rang me to appologise, and said he didnt realise he was doing it!
I was so relieved when he rang , but i know that i will loose my temper again next time he does it.
I think all men do it to a degree, all my past partners have.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): Hi I'm the one who posted the letter regarding my husband oogling at tall skinny women. Well, a lot of water has gone under the bridge since that time and I'm still here and so is he. Some of you hit the nail on the head about his "insecurity". It seems that was the case and I don't know, maybe by making that out of line remark about "if it hadn't been for me" it somehow made him feel like he's attractive to other women...but as it turns out, there are no other women lining up at the door begging to be with him. In fact, he told his mom that I'm better then he is..that's kind of sad. I love the guy and I did confront him with how I felt. He has since stopped the outright oogling. If he looks that's fine, I know we all do it. So he knows how I feel about this sort of thing and he's made a great effort to rectify his behavour. So all is well in the Queendome!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): I think it depends on your self confidence and how much love you are shown. My wife is very attractive and we have shown each other much love. She is 5'4", but I also find tall slim women very attractive. I look at them when we are out shopping or walking on the walking trails. She even points them out to me. She is very confident of herself and doesn't mind. In the past she was a flirt. I didn't mind that and found that I liked that she was attractive to other men. It confirmed that I was correct that she was attractive. I was confident that she was happy with me and only needed to confirm to herself that she was still attractive to others. She no longer does that. I didn't used to, but I do now. I guess she just figures it's my turn and she is not threatened by it. I guess I am the one who needs that confirmation now.
With us, it has not been what we say, but how we say it. For instance in your case, what does "If it hadn't been for you I could go for her!" mean? Does it mean "Boy, if I didn't have you around holding me back I'd be all over her." or does it mean "If I wasn't lucky enough to have you, she would be nice." My wife and I have made comments of a similar nature to each other and it doesn't hurt either one of us. We both understand that it is just natural feelings that men and women have and we do not feel threatened by it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): that man who does the stareing at women and says if only for you, get rid of him there are lots of men that wont treat you like that stand up for yourself why? Because you deserve better from anne best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): I know exactly what you mean!!
I have only been married two months and he has started to do this to me. Nothing noticable has changed in our relationship and he has started to ogle women in front of me, even my best friend!
It started when I went out one evening with my single best friend(I hardly ever go out!) and when he picked us up, he made it clear how pretty my best friend was and completely ignored me. The only thing I am sure of with reading your story is that he is trying to make you insecure and put you down, but really he is the one who is insecure and needs you.
I am looking at ways to increase my confidence at the moment (looking into fitness etc.) But not for him, for myself. When my confidence is better then i'm going to access my situation because he has been very apologetic when I showed how angry and upset I was. But if he carries on not caring about how it affects me, then I believe it is no better than cheating and will be a lot better off on my own.
Don't let anyone put you down or make you feel bad about yourself. If they are insecure or don't feel good about themselves, they have to deal with that, not take it out on you. I'm not saying your man is a bad man (or mine for that matter) but everyone has lines that should not be crossed and they are crossing them.
Talk to him and explain how you feel when you are ready too. But don't put up with a behavior when it is making you feel bad!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2006): It is demeaning for you to endure this. Doesn't it say in the Bible if a man looks at a woman with lust in his heart he may as well have commited adultery? Would you treat your husband in this way and lustfully look at another man/other men, knowing it was making him feel bad and putting him second? If so fine, you deserve him to treat you the same way. However, I think your focus of sexual attraction is for him, and it's a reasonable request that he stick to his marriage vows and place you above all others.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2005): Sorry , you might not like what I say but I really think that we women are VERY naive if we really believe that old crap about....'i dont care if he looks cause I know he wants me" The whole thing is yeah, guys look, girls look but if your mans looking enough for us to notice then I think really he's with us through circumstance and if he had half a chance to get into the other womans pants without us knowing he would ...Yep maybe he even loves us but if the eye candys that irresistable that his respect for us wont stop him then he clearly thinks shes hotter and deisres her more than he desires respecting us
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2005): I think most men discreetly look at other women but ogling and blatantly leering is wrong. It shames everyone concerned..including the women being ogled. Most men do enjoy looking at lovely women, however, once a man has a loving partner and gets married, there is more than himself to consider. To me, true love is, when someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own. You told him you how unhappy his behavior makes you feel and your feelings are not wrong. A mature, caring and loving man knows that he has to sacrifice certain things for the sake of a marriage. It's like the same thing as when you become parents-there are sacrifices for the sake of the children. You may want to “party" till 4:00 A.M. but if you are a responsible and loving parent, you know that your child needs you to be alert the next day, so you don't! If flirting with strangers hurts one's wife, then he simply must control the impulse and doesn't do it. There’s no one that can stop him from looking at other women when your not with him, but out of love and respect for you and your marriage, he should learn to concentrate on you when you're out together in public.
To tell you "if it hadn't been for you I could go for her" is such a shameful act of disrespect toward you-the very woman he married and he should honor. And he says he loves you? That was a very painful, hurtful thing to say to you and I hope he apologized. And I hope you don't ever think you are making something of nothing, here. Because what he says, really shows what kind of man he is. For him to say this to you, tells me...he’s not going to change & his girl ogling is not going to stop. Degrading you in public and treating other women shamefully are definitely unacceptable. His behavior is full of big red flags that you should definitely make something of.
I really don't know what to tell you to do. You can ask him to stop when you are with him. But will he? If you think he might consider stopping this behaviour, then yes, talk to him and tell him, you won't tolerate it. Something tells me that if he's willing to insinuate to you that "he'd go for other women if he wasn't with you"-then you and he have ther issues in this marriage that are hidden (such as disrespect for you) and you both should discuss that, as well. All I can say, is I hope he realizes how special you are and makes a HUGE effort to
curb this behaviour and starts respecting and honoring you, more. Take Care
Hugs,
Irish
...............................
A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (29 August 2005):
 'ShouldImove' has hit the nail on the head about self-esteem. It is quite normal to look at the opposite sex but I think it becomes not acceptable when it is leering and even worse, takes place in front of you. This is disrespectful and it isn't surprising that you feel hurt.
Seek out some reassurance from your hubby and explain to him how you feel. Ask him how he would feel if you ogled men in the same way. (Incidentally, he may say it wouldn't bother him but it may be worth trying out just to see!)
Be straight with him and ask him if he is happy with the way you are and your marriage. Explain that you love him but when he ogles other women like that, it makes you feel upset. If he has any respect for you, he won't walk around with blinkers on but he will attempt to control his roving eye.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, ShouldImove +, writes (29 August 2005):
I know my partner looks at other girls and appreciates their looks but it doesn't bother me at all. Why? Because I know he loves me and wants me only. I don't care if he looks as I know he won't touch and doesn't want to touch. To be honest I like looking as well. I think it all comes down to self esteem. You should be confident enough that you know that looking doesn't matter at all. You should be confident enough that he looks only but each and every day he chooses to be with you. But it also comes down to, does he show you that he loves you, wants you and finds you desirable. If he does then don't worry about it. But maybe you are finding it hard to accept because he doesn't show you all those things. Also remember just because you are married and committed yourself to one person only, it doesn't mean that you will not find other people attractive. It is a healthy part of life. And just because he does, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. But in saying all this, he should not of said 'if it hadn't been for you, I could go for her'. You should have clipped him around the head for that comment (so to speak). Make it very clear to him that he can look, that's fine, but making comments like that is wrong and disrespectful and ask him not to do it again. Good luck!
...............................
|
