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My husband is addicted to DearCupid and is an aunt on this site. How do I bring this up to him?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 June 2009) 27 Answers - (Newest, 7 August 2009)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone. Late at night my husband gets out of bed. His sleep has been getting worse. I'm a pretty deep sleeper, so I don't ever get up to check on him when he goes downstairs at night. All I know is that he gets up around one in the morning and I think he comes back to bed by four. He usually then sleeps in, and he has even been late to work a few times. He told me he might get a demotion because his performance at work has been suffering. He just looks tired. I asked him the other day what he does when he gets out of bed, and he said he usually watches TV. Well, today (just 30 minutes ago), I checked our browser history and found out he is actually spending hours at night on this site, DearCupid. From the looks of it, he asks many questions about our relationship and about his past before we met, and about his worries regarding the future...Some of the questions I don't even understand where they're coming from. He gives advice as well that seems to me to be useful. He never brings up any of this stuff with me. He always seemed like a happy but increasingly tired person; now I'm realizing there's an entire world in him that's suffering. I don't know how to bring this up to him-that I now know he spends hours almost every night on an internet help site. I don't know if I should ask him to see a counselor (In the daytime!) or what, but I know that this has become a bigger problem than simply being addicted to the internet, given the choice of site he's frequenting. I actually hope he sees this question I'm asking. I think his conscience will recognize that it's me. How should I bring this up to him? If it didn't interfere with his work, I'd not have such a big concern, but of course I am also worried that he has a blind spot of unhappiness and worry that he does not express openly. Ironic that I have turned to this site as well to ask: What to tell him when I bring up this new discovery?

View related questions: at work, the internet

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009):

Lol! q, your comment cracked me up. Not sure why though, cos if this is real then I'm being very insensitive...

Now I'm trying to think of 'alive' faces :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009):

Ok well since q has brought this thread back to life, i think it's only fair that we, also, continue to revitalize it. So Satin, what's the opposite of the dead face?

Anyway,

so um..

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

It's gonna be really hilarious if this is a real post. but you're right.. I don't want to get in trouble.

x_X

Was that a good time to use the "dead" face?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

You were right. That IS a hot nerd.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

Anon 2.57b/KittenPaws to Anon 1/Tactful: Sorry- yeah, I see your point about trying to be tactful- i'm just weary to advocate playing any games or pretences with a partner- I'd rather just keep all my cards on the table face up. But I see your point about being tactful.

Go talk to him now and get it out of your system. But hey, why not try and share it with him? It might reduce his noturnal hours spent on it, and increase hours spent discussing your own lives/ relationships and their ups, downs, twists and turns.

There's something ironic about being 'addicted to trying to discuss your problems and offer ppl support and advise'! Admittedly not through the night to the extent that its affecting other areas of your life though.

Still- I bet that there are plenty of posters out there that would gratefully swap there husbands porn browsing history for DearCupid! There could be some kinda DearCupid classified ads where you can swap/ part exchange issues...

~( )_( )~

( . Y . )

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

It is most confusing when people post anon.. so many anon female readers.. ya'll should use sigs. Like, female anon 1 and 2 or something.

We are all bad. If this is real, and her husband is addicted, then maybe after readingn this, she'll understand why. It's just too much fun! And amoungst all the goofiness, we get to help people!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

oooooops, forgot to add, apologies if i offended anyone by that "tactful" suggestion. did not mean to offend anyone.sorry

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

please do not take my words out of context: "your hb needs to be made aware tactfully. tell him, love i just found this amazing website. share with him your experiences and then slowly , gently nudge him into admitting his "obsession/addiction". if this doesn't do the trick, then TELL him that his passion as an agony aunt is killing his marriage and his professional life. "

I am not advocating lies- merely advising being tactful in her initial approach.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

Whoa-

"tell him, love i just found this amazing website. share with him your experiences and then slowly , gently nudge him into admitting..."

Don't recommend that the OP lies/ comes at him with false pretences! You just said you got slammed for being a Christian!? Don't lie, and don't encourage others to lie. Especially not to their husbands and especially not recommending that in such a place that their husbands are likely to read your advice!

If you're gonna talk to him about this, be straight up and honest. Maybe you could start discussing his posts with him and probably learn a lot more about him and his concerns through your discussions- it might help to open up communications if he's been coming here rather than to you.

Just- not in the middle of the night, yah? If you can read and discuss a few posts together in the evening he might not feel the need to do so again after hours!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

Aww- I love the 'nerd glasses' and i'm amused by the 'flashing boobs'! -Perhaps you could put the two together on a good day to make a Hott nerd!

(If this post is real, the poor OP will be thinking we're all as bad as each other!)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

i am not going to mock you, i think your concern is serious. if his time is spend "unproductively" and has affected his work then he needs to be aware of his "problem".

this is an excellent website, i get slammed for being a "christian, bitter,............" and so forth. (just can't remember the actual words right now, but the aunts here may recognise me by my hard, no nonsense approach and the condemnation i receive from people who disagree with my harsh reality of the world approach).

your hb needs to be made aware tactfully. tell him, love i just found this amazing website. share with him your experiences and then slowly , gently nudge him into admitting his "obsession/addiction". if this doesn't do the trick, then TELL him that his passion as an agony aunt is killing his marriage and his professional life.

Tell him to get a grip and prioritise being an aunt vs work/marriage. if you do not get him some sort of "help" then his addiction, like everything else will take over and he will find himself without a job. in this current economic climate he CANNOT afford to lose his job and

(MAYBE HIS MARRIAGE).

HOW you handle this is up to you. plse be wise and even calm when you discuss this "problem". in life it is all about a balance and when one loses this balance, our problems starts. if we are not careful, it may consume us and we may find ourselves without the very stability we advise about.

Good luck and if your hubby reads this: MR. Hubby, your wife is concerned, she loves you and she is worried. Does she have reason to be concerned about you? Please talk to her. I would not want you and her to face a cross roads in your life/work/marriage just because she is of the opinion that you are going overboard. And Mr. Hubby, please listen to your wife's concerns. We, wives, almost always have our hubbys best interest at heart.And i think your wife does.

Take Care and God Bless.And please remember everything in moderation.........no addiction/compulsive obsession.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

Well according to my smilie dictionary, heretohelpx, you have just been annoylingly pleasant about nothing important..

hahahhha... sorry

~Sy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

What would you use "x_x dead" for??

Man.. I have a really cool bunny one but I can't do it here.. *sigh.* Now nobody will think i'm cool.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

SY - no if you were guilty of something you wouldn't set it to auto-login. I immediately thought that after typing, but heyho, need to consider all options here :)

Lol, I love yours and satin's smiley's. ^_^

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

O_o: To inquire/wtf?

-_-: to be hopeless/frustrated

0_0: to be confused/clueless

:D: To have way too much fun posting an answer

:)): To say thank you

:X: I have no idea

8): To be retarded and happy at the same time (like Mader from "Cars.")

^_^: To be annoyingly pleasant about nothing important

~Sy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

That's a point, i was just thinking, if you were trying to hide something from your spouse, would you leave yourself logged in all the time?

Hey Satin, i used the "O_o" face yesterday! So cute..

~Sy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

Sincerly Yours... Just a thought...If this IS real, the login can be set to auto-login if it's been set to remember the password. So if they were to go on the site it would be logged in already. But you do make good points as to WHY it could be fake. I hope it's not.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

O my God, whether this is a fake post or not...i am quite guilty of this. For me its true, eversince I have an account with Dear Cupid, it took over my Facebook page. When I am at work, i take my break and read the questions and try to answer some. When I go home, I do everything and go to bed with my laptop on..I monitor if there is a question that is related to me and put it on my watch list.

LOL i even recommended this to my sisters in my home country and even when they posted anonymously, I know its them so I reply! Them I msg them on YM to check my reply.

For me, this website is really amazing and it helped me sooo much in recovering from a break-up. From the questions and advises, I learned so much.

Well, for me this website has become a hobby to me anyway, not an addiction. But if interferes with your life..then its not good.

I wonder how they can detect a fake post?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

Well of course we can't know for certain unless Andrew or the OP clarifies, but here are a few reasons why we suspect it: (Please take no offense if it is not fake. You still have recieved good advice. This is all in good fun):

"Well, today (just 30 minutes ago), I checked our browser history and found out he is actually spending hours at night on this site, DearCupid."

Lol.. if you had the problem posted here, would you immediately go on the site and ask us for help without even confronting your husband?

"I don't know how to bring this up to him-that I now know he spends hours almost every night on an internet help site"

She does not know that. She just told us he says he watched TV every night. For all she knows, he could be spending five minutes a day.

She would have to know his login information, and even then, most OPs post anon, so she wouldn't even be able to see the questions he posted, yet she claims there are many questions he asked and many answers he's given.

It is very easy to ask a person about their visitation of this site. its nothing like admitting you cheated or hacked into his email. But she asks for help, while complaining that he asks for help.

It is written very well (good english) as are all the other fake posts.

She's a "pretty deep sleeper" so can't see what he's does at night, yet knows the precise times he gets up and returns.

We could be wrong of course. Lol.

Visit Andrew's profile if you wish to see examples of fake posts. He's listed as Dearcupid on the top agony aunts list.

~Sy.

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A female reader, lovingit United States +, writes (28 June 2009):

guys quick question why is this a fake post?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009):

You really should be able to talk to him about this problem. He appears to be addicted to writing on this site and it is hurting his relationship with you and his work. Things cannot get better until the 2 of you talk about it and perhaps he gets some help.

The other matter is him posing questions on this site about your relationship. The 2 of you need to talk about these perceived problems. My first post on this site was about my feelings about my wife. We had talked about it for weeks before I posted and she read what I was saying before I posted. We worked together on this problem. We also made contact with 2 great women on this site and they helped us a lot with our problem and I think we also helped them some with problems they were having. This site can be a real asset in solving relationship problems, especially if the couple work together with the questions to get opinions on how they should handle it.

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A female reader, bobbles32 Canada +, writes (27 June 2009):

bobbles32 agony auntoh my, the irony is unsettling. super creative! A1!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009):

Ok.. sorry.

Seriously, I'm sure you've figured out by now how to communicate with your husband. This isn't really a matter that should be difficult to approach him with.

just let him know that your reasons for concern and for inquiring about this site are not to be controlling, but because you're concerned about his better good. And talk to him about it clamly and come up with a solution,

And if this is a fake post.. well it's very creative.

~Sy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009):

You are right, if it is affecting his job and personal life, then spending hours on here is not good (even if he does give helpful advice). I'm guessing that he doesn't want to/can't open to the problems he has which is one sided at the moment, as you said you had no idea where he was coming from. You were not aware of the problems in you're relationship until now.

Maybe this is the reason why he's up late on here instead of openly answering questions in front of you, as he HAS asked questions about your relationship, and doesn't want you to see. Could be this or many other reasons such as Internet addiction, as you suggested.

If you can wait, give him a day or two to see the question and maybe he'll twig that it's you, but even if he sees it he might not bring it up, so the best thing to do is after a day or two bring it up first yourself. Tell him you've seen that he goes on here a lot and you know this is what is affecting his job. Show him this question so he knows your concerns, and that you're not just 'checking up on him'.

When this gets out in the open, maybe you can start to talk about WHY he's been hiding it, and perhaps ask him why he feels the way he does about your relationship, so you can sort out any problems you two have.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009):

Uhoh.. you've asked a question and now it's too late for you! You'll never escape this site. We aunts and uncles DO NOT leave our computers.. all night we sit; all day. Doing nothing else, eyes mezmorized and unblinking. We are incontrollable addicts and there is no way to stop us. And now...

YOU have paprticipiated. There's no way out from here. Prepare to literally have FIST FIGHTS with your husband over the computer.

~Sy.

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A female reader, Original shiraz! United Kingdom +, writes (27 June 2009):

Maybe the irony will help answer some of your questions.

You need to be honest with him, tell him how it is, hes a shadow of the person he once was. The feelings and emotions are a lot deeper if he can only be honest when online, however the idea is talking to strangers who dont know you or your back ground helps, there is a limit and from what youve found id say hes crossed it. In order to get back the man you loved an the happiness you once shared you need to take drastic action. Tell him the change youve seen in him, how its affecting you and that your even considering therapy to help ease this situation. Hopefully your 'inconvineient' truth wil shock him back to reality.

Posting a few questions and answering a few are ok but when it takes over your life and you begin to live a seperate one is when you realise there is a problem.

Tread carefully when discussing your findings, this is his secret life and as soon as he knows youve 'invaded' it im sure his reaction wont be too pleasing.

Maybe you do need professional help in over coming this.

Addictions come in different forms, try to understand him but at the same time let him know what this has caused.

Your love should be enough to see this through, stand by him and work with him, its a long battle but hes your husband and this commitment and time and effort everything all at once all the emotions are things you need to battle at together in order to move forward.

best of luck

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A female reader, we-are-nowhere  +, writes (27 June 2009):

we-are-nowhere agony aunti think that by posting this u already pretty much brought it up ! .. see how it goes from there and try and open it up with him . talk about it and about the stuff he posted and that concern him and see if u can help

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