A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 3 years, however i feel my husband is not in love with me anymore, He hardly ever pays any attention to me and on the odd occasion he does want to have sex, I feel that that is all it is-that he just wants sex-not that he wants to be intimate with me, personally. I know that he has used porn in the past and when I found out he promised not to again, however I know that he has been again recently which has caused a row and we are barely speaking to each other. He is always telling petty lies to me which makes me suspicious of what else he is lying about. I love my husband and i think the world of him however I dont trust him and need to feel that this is a two sided relationship as I cant carry on as we are.What should i do?
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female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (9 February 2007):
 You need to sort this out or move on. I know it's hard to think of leaving a marriage but can you honestly spend the rest of your life feeling this way? You deserve more than this, whatever the reason for the change in his ways.
If you feel that he doesn't pay you enough attention and the sex is always about him just getting his way with you, then maybe you two could work on the intimacy. Spend some romantic time together with no sex, like romantic meals and massage. Meaningless sex is no way to behave in a marriage and, even if this is not the case, he's making you feel this way and that's wrong.
As for the porn, I don't have a problem with my partner looking at it, I think it's just a thing men do that we have to accept. Whether you allow it or not, he will do it and I'd rather know what he's watching so we can enjoy it together than him be creeping around like a 14 year old boy. However, I think I would feel differently if he loved porn and masterbation but did not give me any attention. This also needs resolving.
You say you can't trust him: what exactly do you love about him? It sounds to me like the spark has well and truly gone and, unless you do something soon, this is all over. He sounds like he's acting suspicious and I don't know whether he's upto something or just feeling a bit distant but you need to find out.
Speak to him as soon as you can. Say you want to sort it out, maybe see a marriage counsellor or something. Spend more intimate time together and start rebuilding that spark you once had. This can only be done if he is willing so you need to find this out first.
If nothing changes, or he's not willing to make it change, then I think you know what you have to do. You deserve more than to feel like this forever.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): If you can't carry on with this marriage then leave. The last thing you need is to have a husband who you can't trust (a vital thing in a marriage). But if you think that you can work on this then do. Talk this through with him. Ask him about the porn and all the other petty lies. If he keeps snapping at you and the lies resolve further (for example he starts having an affair but denies it) then you need to leave for your own sake.
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