| A
male
,
*ickle
writes: Hi My girlfriend of 6 months has a lot of male friends. She went through a pretty bad break up with her husband and has surrounded herself with a lot of male friends who have supported her and helped her out.I know all of them would love to be where i am, a couple have even told me as much!!One however seems to have much stronger feelings than just friendship and I have a problem with it. I met my girl in January. On Valentines day he bought a large and expensive bouquet of flowers and sent them to work with a 'the time is right for love, the time is right for us' card. He has also bought her expensive gifts in the past (before I met her) This included a skydive, which I thought was very generous from one friend to another. I met this guy for the first time recently at this skydive and although I thought he was a nice guy I felt very uncomfortable around him. I almost felt like a gooseberry in my own relationship!! I am unsure whether this was my own doing or not, but I felt it all the same.It got me a little down so I had a talk with my girl. I asked her if she thought he maybe had stronger feelings than just friendship, she said that it didn't matter, but I disagreed and said I had a problem with her going out on her own with this man who clearly, to me, had very strong feelings for her. I asked her why they had never got it together as it was so obvious that he loves her and she has said he is 'the kindest, loveliest man she has ever met. She said that the subject had never come up! I just couldn't help but think about the flowers and the card! All this, consequently caused a lot of tension between us which I hate. She basically said 'he is my friend and he isn't going anywhere' I apologised for upsetting her but I am still feeling this awful pain in my gut when I think about it.I love her so much and don't want to cause her pain, and god forbid, end up losing her. But I am struggling with it big time. I know she loves me and I do trust her, I have been hurt a lot in the past myself but I feel that this girl is the one for me and I just want advice on what is going on in my head, is it just me or are my feelings justified??
View related questions:
flowers, her ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2005): She went through a bad break up and no doubt you were there to console her and offer a shoulder to cry on as well as the other male friends she has.
Take solace in the fact that it was you that she chose at the end of her troubled times. The main difference my experience has allowed me to fathom regarding the male and female view on platonic friendships is simple men have female friends, these are girls they have not had sex with yet. Women have male friends, these are the men she will bed if you two break up!!!So remember no matter the grounds of the break up, this guy along with all the others will drop u like a flash in the pan to offer her moral and if they get lucky physical support.
My best advice would be for u to sit down and think how badly this guy is affecting ur own view of the relationship, at no cost should violence enter ur mindset by the way!!!
Once u have done this then play the game back onto her, this can be very dangerous if not done to precision, mainly due to the fact this involves u the man trying to physically maintain a platonic relationship with a close female friend of urs!!!!make sure u count ur drinks and take a 'close friend of urs from a while back' who has recently moved into the area out for drinks etc. Now if u can, the best way to do this would be to leave notes from her thanking u for showing her round introducing her to friends etc...In short u r stooping to the mindset of a jealous teenager but try giving her a piece of her own medicine as I know from experience that it hurts wen the girl u love talks another guy, personally if the guy knew she had a boyfriend and sent her flowers etc I would most definatly have blown my top (bear in mind i have not been involved in a fite in my life) and he wud b a hunted man!!So well done on ur restraint, also when she does want to go out on her own with him, surely if they r friends then its no matter how big the group of friends goin out are, ask her whether she wants 2 bring a few other of her friends n u take a few of ur friends and go out, ask her y se wants 2 go out with him on her own, ask her 2 respect u as wat will pple u know think if they see her being escorted home by another man???
If she is adament that they r goin to remain friends, then u have to scheme away to ensure that u integrate this foolboy into a circle of friends who will help disuade him from advancing on her further.
Also having had experience from the other side of the fence, Im pretty sure that the guy will turn to the girl and compliment her and her alone regarldess of the friends she and u have introduced to him, he will tell her that their friendship means the world the world to her as she is the only one who connects with him and knows where he is coming from, she makes him feel at ease and while he says all this he will keep reinforcing the term friendship to her so that she questions y he seems intent on remaining friends!!!
Ultimately u may have to give her an ultimatum and depending on the strength of ur relationship she shudnt have 2 think twice, if she does then that speaks volumes abt her feelings for u.
A
female
reader, jandj +, writes (20 July 2005):
I will agree that a woman can have male friends. I have many. And when people say "Men and women can't just be freinds" They're right! I do have male freinds, I do NOT sleep with them - however, they ALL want to sleep with me. That's the way men tick unfortunately. Some women are like that, and I give off a sexual aire myself. In your case, this freind of your girlfriends wants to be more than just friends. Being politcally correct is not always the way to go. She put you off to shut you up and to not have an argument about it all. I think that she enjoys the gifts and attention from this male friend. That doesn't mean she wants what he wants, but being a woman I understand this. We will disagree UP AND DOWN that we don't like the attention - but we DO! She loves the cards and flowers and gifts and doesnt want to upset him. What she doesnt realize is that she is leading him on. This can get dangerous! If I were you, I would have a conversation with this male freind. Just so you two are on the same page. Tell him you do NOT want to come between him and her and their friendship. Tell him you appreciate the attention in their friendship. Tell him you see how your girlfriend values the friendship. You might even make dinner plans or movies or something and invite him along. Why don't you try and fix him up with a single gal friend of yours or your girlfriends. Help him out that way, he'll see that you are not jealous (which is what he wants)but you are interested in him and his well-being. Two things can happen - you can find him a new love interest and they hit it off. Or, he will be put off by your kindness and generosity and back off. If you work hand in hand with your girlfriend and get involved in this relationship things will work out. Your girlfriends sees your interested and not jealous, the guy sees that your not jealous and you will win in the end!
...............................
A
reader, becky05 +, writes (20 July 2005):
you are right, his valentine gesture was a bit much for a friend.
How dare your girlfriend say that the reason she has never went out with this man is because "the subject never came up"! This was very inconsiderate of her.
You cant expect to ba able to choose your girlfriend's friends however. Talk to her again and tell her that you feel that this friend has more than just feelings of friendship towards her and tell her your fears.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she will not stop being friends with this man so you will either have to get used to him being around or end your relationship.
Perhaps you could suggest that your girlfriend sees less of him alone and the three of you could go out?
...............................
|
