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My girlfriend truly believes she doesn't deserve me, what to do?

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Question - (2 February 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 2 February 2009)
A male United States age 30-35, *boy4973 writes:

I've been dating my girlfriend for a year this February. Whenever she upsets me, she'll follow her apology with, "I'm a horrible girlfriend, you deserve so much better than me," or some variation of that. We sat down and had a talk months ago about how I don't think I deserve her (since she is so wonderful) and how she thinks she doesn't deserve me. We decided we'd accept the fact that we both must actually deserve each other. Yet she has brought it up again. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about that? I know that she really doesn't want to break up with me. She just really feels like I don't deserve her. I've shown her that I love her and she knows it more than anything, she just TRULY believes I don't deserve her! HELP!

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (2 February 2009):

She has low self esteem and possibly a touch of depression.

This is horrible and makes you want to hold her tightly and this will help, but it will also get really annoying after a while and drive a wedge between you as you will slowly start to become her counsellor and carer rather than her boyfriend.

Get her to go on a couple of girly nights out.

Get her to sign up for something new to get some exercise and self confidence. Ask her if she's ever wanted to learn to trampoline, do Kung Fu, sword fight (fence), tango dancing, anything!

Go along with her and then let her excell at it and make new friends. She may stop seeing you as her ONLY source of self esteem then, and the whole "I'm a terrible person" every time she thinks she's put a foot wrong might stop.

Good Luck!! xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009):

Maybe, your girlfriend really does believe that she doesn't deserve you. She might be feeling insecure. I know I had the same problem with my boyfriend, as I used to say it to my boyfriend. We sat down a couple of times and talked about it. Maybe, your girlfriend hasn't had a very happy or loving childhood and believes that she can't love you or that you deserve better. Talk to her about it. It's the only thing that will clear up the mess.

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A female reader, im_a_dummy United States +, writes (2 February 2009):

im_a_dummy agony auntwell i dont know her, and i dont know you, but my friend and her bf have the same problem. only its her bf that says that... but he says it because he wants her to feel guilty and stay with him. She is really gorgeous and she has been trying to break up with him and he keeps saying that and it makes her feel bad and so she stays with him. I am not sur about you or your gf cuz like i said idont know you guys, but maybe she just wants love and attention??? go do something special for her. Bring her flowers and balloons just for the hell of it without it being a holiday or a birthday or ne thing. idk, try that..

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