A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,ill try keep it short. my exgirl who lived with me for 6 years left 7 months ago. her idea. her feelings changed bit and had doubts. i had give her doubts as i was always out with mates etc. i was deveastated to say least and wake up call.life was tough. she contacted me every few weeks. all civil- how you. hope well. keep safe etc etc. met once- very emotional and hugs and tears.i miss her so much still but now im bit happier. i sorted life out bit- got my own place etc etc.thing is she contacts me still every few weeks. always her initiates it. other day she contacted to tell me she met someone else. i was gutted. told her it annoyed me so she rang then called. stayed here hours and we talked lot. she told me very tough months for her too, she thought about me loads and hoped i wasnt lonely, she loved me, asked me would i get back if opportunity arose. she wouldnt discuss new relationship she in but wanted to tell me to my face sop that i didnt hear through 3rd party. we hugged, laughed and caught up with eachother. very nice meeting her again. i felt close to her still.Thing is it took me few steps back again. i feel **** now. Reason is its not just that she has guy but because she said things she did like loves me.i dont know what to do. I told her straight that i would give it chance but she would need to be sure because i dont want hurt again. felt we sort said bye outside. i made her laugh loads and asked her for wine in house some time. she wouldnt answer meAny constructive advice would be really welcome. i know 2 nd goes dont always work though i do love this girl so much and know she does have feelings for me, so feel like i would like a chance though.my feeling was to sit back now ive told her what i want and let her make move. she knows i want back so now she has to show me or else it wouldnt be worthwhile trying?help??
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female
reader, Juliet  +, writes (7 July 2011):
Hi again,Thanks for writing back. Sorry I couldn’t write back sooner, my laptop broke and I’d to wait to get it fixed! It’s terrific to hear that you know you are worth more than to be a potential Plan B option. It’s also great to hear that you’ve made a decision, to tell her politely that you wish her luck but to leave you in peace unless she decides to reconnect.It’s nice also that you acknowledged that I haven’t been intentionally trying to hurt my ex by putting him through emotional turmoil – I haven’t. And yes, it is a confusing time for everyone and I do think everyone hurts because of it.Largely though, I was compelled to write back because I want to thank you. I have learned quite a bit from our chats. You taught me that what I thought I was doing to be kind was actually quite cruel in that it was probably confusing him. You made me realise that if I want to help him then ultimately I have to leave him be and not be contacting him saying hi!!! I should let him move on or get back with him and stop messing around. Sound advice I think. Best of luck in the future anyway and thanks again.Take care,J
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionits me again. thank you so much juliet for taking time to advise me. i know every situation different but i do feel you have given me perspective on things.i know she thinks me all time, maybe loves me but that doesnt mean wants back. i think a guy that me lets a girl like her think she can have me at anytime so prob best thing to do is make myself unavailable to her. i surprisingly do have pride and i think dignity i certainly do not view myself as a plan B for anyone,Thing is she prob doing very similar to you but like you does not drag us blokes into emotional turmoil on purpose. confusing times evoke confusing actions suppose.i would suggest to you prob not to contact ex as us blokes equate contact to interest in getting back. we think why she contact if she not interested. i think thats how us males think/ work im not going to contact her and next time she contacts me i am going to politely wish her happiness and luck with the rest of her life. i think she will get the message from that and if not i'll spell it out bit more clearly that if im not good enough to be in her life exclusively then im not happy to be just friends.when i make myself unavailable to her then i think i will achieve the respect i deserve!!Thanks again juliet
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A
female
reader, Juliet +, writes (27 June 2011):
Hi again,
Glad to hear you have posted back and that you seem to have made some progress with it.
Let me say now that you are NOT a fool for thinking that perhaps this can be worked out. You have hope. That doesn't make you a fool at all.
You asked "Why if she wanted out can she not just leave me alone?" which is a very good question, so I just thought perhaps I would give you my advice on this because I do feel that I can relate but from the opposite side if that makes sense. (Its me, Juliet)
Okay so, yes you are right, due to you helping her through hard times, and having a lot of respect for one another, she probably DOES feel guilty about making your mood low and yes you probably are being too nice about the whole situation.
Im guessing that the reason she makes contact could be similar to why I still make contact... its been a long time since we broke up (2 years!!!) and Im, even recently, STILL doing the same thing and contacting him.
So why do us women make contact? (Or, should I say why do I still make contact...)
Basically, I do it because I care. I do love him. I do think about him and I do have great respect for him and how he helped me and how we helped each other and for our past.
I want to make sure that he is okay.
I want to let him know that I am still thinking about him and therefore that I am not a selfish bitch who broke something and ran away.
I feel the need to make sure that he sounds happy and isn't sucidial somewhere (as dramatic as that may sound - but depression is a real thing so it plays on my mind that he might get it because it was such a blow to him - apparently).
I also make contact, because I guess Im not ready to let go completely myself. I want to know that the lifeline or whatever you call it, is still there to maybe have him back if I suddenly feel its what I want.
Im also curious to know how his life is going without me.. has he met someone too?
Plus, I guess I want to reassure myself that he still feels like he loves me and wants me. Maybe its a hidden ego thing. Isn't it always nice to hear someone wants you still? (this sounds probably dreadful but its honest and I think you may benefit from reading it so I'm confessing it!)
So, bottom line, I'd get on with your life and if she does come back, deal with it then. Don't wait around just in case. Oh, and Id take note of what the anonymous (girl) wrote - "Indecisive people like her, can go on stringing people along for months or even for years if you let them." because in truth ... Im one of those people and she could be too. I have, so to speak I guess, (realising it now for myself) technically 'strung' my ex along for a long time now by making contact and letting him know that I do think of him and miss him etc etc etc.
I really really do wish you luck and I also want to thank you for this because I've learnt something too. Its best for my ex if I stop making contact as it is merely confusing him and making him move back and not forward as he should.
All the best,
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you very much guys for your advice.i know sometimes it hurts to hear the truth but i do agree with yous all. i know i have to do something. im not contacting her again. in fact i have never initiated contact.
next time she does i think ill say that im not willing to be just friends. i cant do that.
i want more. got impression from her that her new guy is very new and not serios but still enough to eat at me.
Juliet very good to get perspective from someone who in same position but on opposite side.
i know im a fool but i still believe we can sort this out but ive done all im willing to do. ball in her court.
think ill give it few weeks for her to come back to me with something constructive or else thats me.
why is this stuff so complicated.
Why if she wanted out can she not just leave me alone. when we were together i helped her through very difficult times which i think brought us tight together and have lot respect for one another. i think she feels guilty about making my mood low and this prob why she contacts.
i think my problem is that im too nice and havent got it in me to tell her to clear off and never contact me again.
maybe i need to be more ruthless.
i pray that this all passes me soon and that i can be at peace in my own skin soon.
wish me luck guys!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): Why are u allowing her to pull your strings like a puppet.
This woman is not worth your time and your life.
Get rid of her once and for all. She is manipulating u. She already has another man. Change your cell number. Cut off all communication with her.
Your life is more valuable than all this drama.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): she's yanking you around. she was the one who left you, then she kept contacting you....now she has a new guy yet still tells you she still loves you. I can't stand people like this. If you want to leave, then leave and make it final. If you don't want to leave, then don't. at least you told her that you would like to get back together so that's all you can do. so I agree with you that you should now just sit back and let her decide. but I also think that you should decide how long you're willing to wait for her decision. Indecisive people like her, can go on stringing people along for months or even for years if you let them. Right now you're in limbo, hanging onto hope and not knowing what will happen. this is preventing you from moving on with your life. She sounds like she can't make up her mind, but you shouldn't let her inability to decide, hold you back from moving on.I would give yourself a time line and let her know that. If she doesn't ditch the new guy and get back with you within a certain time frame (regardless of how much she claims she still loves you but gives some excuse why she still is undecided) then you need to cut loose and move on and end all contact with her (no more talking to her even if she contacts you first and even if she claims she still loves you).
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A
female
reader, Juliet +, writes (26 June 2011):
Hi,Really sorry to hear you are going through this.If im honest, I particularly am sorry to hear you're going through this because .... I feel I am very close to being her - in that I've done the exact same thing to a guy recently - almost identical.In short-We were together years, then I had doubts and etc , plus he made me doubt him as he was always out with mates too. I contacted him every few weeks with the same civil stuff and then one day contacted him because I had met a new guy and didnt want him to hear from someone else. We met up, I said all the same things your ex did, and asked the same questions you mentioned to him etc. I enjoyed seeing him and laughed at his jokes - he knows how to make me laugh having been with me for several years. He reacted exactly as you did. He too, then asked me to meet for drinks sometime and I barely replied or said anything - kinda ignored it so to speak.So, please read on, because I'd like to say to you what I cannot say to my ex - largely because I havent the courage to be honest.(Apologies if it seems like I am assuming that because our situations are identical that the same outcome and feelings are there.)Yes, there is love there. I love him and Im sure she meant it too. You had years together and good times. Yes, she does think about you alot and miss you loads, just like I miss my ex and think of him everyday. Literally. Yes, she does wonder, like I do with my ex, whether you would take her back - thats why she asked. Women, in the same way as men, like to know what the options are available to them. (Isnt that why you've posted?)Im really really sorry that she has led you to take a few steps back, and that she is confusing you with what she said and does. Im sorry that you feel **** and Im so so so sorry that my ex has had to experience this too.But, truth is, she knows you still presumably want her.She knows for the most part that you would take her back.She does miss and love you and she does think of you.But, she does have a new man. She does have someone that she is with that she doesnt want to talk about.She does have the option to get back with you , or at least try too... but bottom line... she hasnt tried outright has she? (I have these things and I havent tried either so I can relate and see what she doing).She is still seeing him, and she is still not coming knocking on your door or ringing on your phone. My reason for not going back to my ex is because - despite loving and missing him (and knowing he is upset by the wake up call and wanting to make him happy) - underneath it all, I don't want to go back to him. If I did, wouldnt I have done it? Wouldnt she have? I want him to be happy and I'd probably be upset if he was in love again, but I what it comes down too is I don't want to be with him again like we were. Im moving on. As it sadly seems your ex is.Please don't sit back and wait and let the power be in her hands, because in sitting back, what you'll be doing is.... waiting!Waiting for someone who may never come to you.Im really sorry Anonymous that you've had to experience this.Feel free to ask me any questions anytime.And again, Im not saying that this is necessarily exactly what is happening in your situation or that the outcome will be the same, all I'm doing is just trying to help.x
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