A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just got home from college for Christmas break and my ex-girlfriend had sent me an email saying she wants to meet while we're both home.We were friends for a long time before getting in a serious relationship and it ended because of the distance college brought, even though we live in the same hometown. She says she misses my friendship, but I just don't know about it; I'm still decently hurt from our break up.So is this something I need for closure? Or is meeting her after a month of silence likely to bring about more pain? Thank you.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Spend this time on working on who you are and yourself. I may draw you two together in the future, or may not, but if it had whatever you do for yourself will benefit who you two are together. Let life happen, and don't restrain it. Sitting and waiting will cause harm to who you are and your life, where you might stay single working on yourself, but at lease you are moving forward.
Sounds like a great meeting between you two. I hope it all works out. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, rcn, for your response and advice.
That's exactly what I don't understand about her. She's quite negative towards life at certain times and when she becomes convinced that something won't work out for her she gets so focused on it not working that, surprise, it ends up not working! (hence our relationship)
I, however, am an optimist for love. I believe that a strong love between two people can overcome many different obstacles, as long as both are diligent. Whenever there was a problem between us like the distance of being at different colleges, or her family issues putting her in a bad mood, or her school work taking up all of her time, I always thought, "Its okay, we love each other and even if we don't have the time to spend together, we'll persevere and make it." Apparently she had a different outlook.
But over coffee we discussed that issue at length. I think she still really looks up to me for advice and when I told her everything about my optimism for love she admitted that she needs and wants to work on that for herself. She realizes how negative she is (I think it stems from her mother) and she lets the trivial things weigh her down. She's already let it affect her greatest relationship and friendship, and I urge her not to let it do the same for her future.
Because of this negativity, she is convinced that her decision to go to law school (a decision she made mere weeks before she broke up with me) means we cannot work. She knows that she'll be in school for another 3-4 years after we graduate, and even though I planned to move to where she was, she still saw no way of it being plausible.
I've already decided that I cannot get back together with her until she settles that portion of her life. She needs to decide that "Hey, my personal life doesn't have to stop simply because I'm in law school. Couples go through this all the damn time." It still hurts, however, to think of waiting. I know we still care for each other a lot, but her unwillingness to try just turns me off. That shows that she has no faith in us and is not willing to persist through the bad times, which will be all too common in a marriage. If she doesn't have the guts to face the storms with me, than I don't know if I trust her.
The idea of waiting is unsettling. I know it'd be much better for myself if I just moved on, putting her in the past. But then again, I love her. I always did and I think I always will. It'd be 10000x easier to let her go if she was over me and didn't care anymore, but that's hardly the truth. She still really cares and has been in an emotional hole ever since we broke up. She knows how much of her life and happiness she gave up, even if she didn't realize she was giving it up at the time.
I'm still drawn on where to focus my energy. Like I said, I'm an optimist for love, but I know it doesn't always work in my favor. Thanks again for the great advice :)
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 January 2011):
It's understandable that she wants to figure out what she wants in life first, but truthfully, you are both going to be doing different things in life, and most relationships sustain that truth that the two people are different and have different careers, goals and life direction. What is it that she wants to figure out? I may have a different career or whatever, and if I were married I'm sure my wife would have her own direction, but then we'd have our lives together. In a way I do not understand that concept.
She may be confused at the moment, I'd recommend you do whatever you're going to do, and keep doing it. At some time things may work out between the two of you. I do agree that if it's meant to be, but I also understand that in order for that to happen there needs to be participation between the two who may get back together. If you're going in your direction, and she is going in hers, you will continue going in separate directions unless on of you says, "hey" to the other one and lays the idea or reconnecting on the table.
Take care. I hope everything works out for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE:Happy holidays everyone; I thought I'd share how my meeting went.Today was the day. My ex-girlfriend and I met for coffee this afternoon and despite my uneasiness towards it, I'm decently glad that I took hold the opportunity and went through with it.At first, when she told me she wanted to meet because she missed our friendship, I was turned off to the idea of meeting. I'm kind of a nice guy and can be a doormat to the people I care about. I didn't want her thinking that she could just get a friendship back with me like nothing happened after all we went through. That wouldn't be fair to me. But it wasn't until we started talking that I realized how much I miss her friendship as well.We ordered our drinks and made small talk for quite some time, discussing the holidays, our families, school, etc. We both knew there was a lot being held back, but we allowed ourselves the time to catch up and develop a friendly overtone before getting into the deep stuff.When we finally started talking about "us" she was crying nearly the entire time. She confessed to missing me every day and thinking about "us" and how much she hurt me, even though she's been with this other guy. She claims, still, that this guy had nothing to do with her reasons for breaking up and that she didn't really care about him like she cares for me. It sounds as if she's just using him to get through these harder times. For most of this, I simply sat back and listened.Nearly 4 hours passed by. She says she'll still always care for me and is confident that "if two people are meant to be together, they'll end up together." She still wants to figure her future/self out before getting into a serious relationship again, but hopes that we can at least be on talking terms.After all this, its safe to say I'm a little confused and drawn between what to do. I know that I need to move on and that it will only hurt me even more to wait for something that may never happen. At the same time, I realized how much I truly miss her. I don't, by any means, want a casual friendship. After everything we went through we both agreed it wouldn't be fair to pretend nothing ever happened. However, I did agree that I have no problem talking on occasion and that if she needed someone, I was there to comfort her. We're still the closest people we have in each others lives, so I feel no regret in that decision.But its still hard. After two months of hell, I had finally gotten over her and was moving on yet now the back of my mind keeps thinking, "what if she wants to get back together?" I refuse to sit and wait around...but at the same time its hard not to when you care about that person so much.Thanks everyone for your advice you have given. If anyone has any words that can direct me, please share :)
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 December 2010):
give an update after you see her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again for the well thought advice :) I have a feeling I'll be rereading it before I go meet her as a quick reminder to how I should try and act.
Its going to be hard. At this point, even if she said she was still thinking about "us" I don't know if I even trust her anymore. She took a complete 180 from a happy relationship to get involved with some guy she barely knew and to give up on a relationship that required too much of her attention span. If I can't count on her to be able to stick to a relationship even during mediocre times, how can I count on her to stick to an even more serious relationship (such as a marriage) when times are even worse!
I'm in such a tough place. But I will see her! I've agreed to that much :) Thanks again for all of your thoughts! They really help!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (24 December 2010):
Hi. It is going to be hard for you to see her, especially the very first time now, but at the same time, I believe it's absolutely essential that you do this.
When you agree upon a day and time to meet her, try before you leave home, to put all your thoughts, feelings and anger aside as best you can, so as not to compromise this great opportunity to meet up with her again.
You don't want to spoil what could be a lovely occasion for both of you.
The main thing is to just relax and be yourself. Have fun and be happy.
I really see this as an important opportunity for you, and one not to be taken lightly, even as hurt as you still feel. I'd even go as far as to say, it's almost the opportunity of a lifetime.
Certainly it could change the direction of your future from this point forward - in a very positive way.
If you were to say "No" now to seeing her, there might not be another chance ever again. Then you might have some very serious regrets. It's like a window opening, or that door that is slightly ajar at the moment, and to say "No" would almost certainly close that door permanently.
You probably already feel this way anyway, because you know in your heart, that the case of you and her, is unfinished business - more yet, has to happen.
Consequently, this meeting with her is going to work things out between you either one way or the other. The important thing to consider, is it's going to be a pivotal point in both of your lives.
She obviously still has strong feelings for you, and the fact she has asked to see you seems to prove that beyond any doubt. I'm quite sure that she isn't asking to see you, just to pass the time of day. No way in the world.
As far as this other guy she has been seeing (in whatever capacity it is), is concerned, it has probably been simply a case of convenience and nothing more.
She did the right thing by breaking up first before starting to see this other guy. She didn't run the double by having you waiting for her thinking that everything was still the same, then going out with this guy behind your back. That to me, shows a lot of respect for you. This is very positive. Morally, she did the right thing there.
So keeping all this in mind, just be completely open to whatever happens when you see her, and as I was saying before, just let her guide the conversation - even if it means that she does most of the talking.
She is going to know what is going on in your mind, because of what happened, and that you have some doubts, so all the more reason to be very quiet when you see her. Friendly - but quiet - don't say very much at all. Leave most of the talking up to her. Just see what she has to say.
Over the time of your meeting with her, you'll get a feel for how the conversation is going and you will know what direction to take when the time is right. Follow your heart, in what you say.
Whatever happens during this first meeting, just take things really slowly, no rush. Build up your friendship with her again and a healthy level of trust. After a couple of weeks, then decide how you would like things to go. Don't rush into a relationship with her again.
In fact, don't even mention the word "relationship" - unless she does.
And if she does, then will be your time to say all the things you are feeling, and being hurt etc. She must be told about the doubts and hurt you are feeling. In telling her this, be kind, respectful, and considerate of the words you use.
Remember you can say anything, but it's how you say it - that really counts.
Good luck, best wishes and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDorothy Dix,
Thank you very much for the long, thought out response. I appreciate the advice you're giving me :)
I should point out that we were great great friends in high school. For years. We both went to separate colleges (still in the same state) still single. It wasn't until my second year (her first) that she confessed her feelings to me. She was the one who wanted to date, even though it would be a long distance relationship, set aside holiday breaks, the occasional visit, and the entire summer. We had dated like this for 2 full years!
It did get tough though this last year though; we were both very busy and didn't have a whole lot of time to talk. I'm finishing up my senior year and she's into her junior year, so things are really winding down. During the time we didn't have time for each other, she confided in another guy who was in a lot of her classes. When I questioned her about his intentions in getting close to her, she admitted that he had feelings for her.
But instead of stopping, she continued to spend time with him and eventually decided her and I needed to break up. She started dating him within a week. As you could imagine, this hurt a LOT, especially since a) we never really had any fights, b) she knows I would have done anything for her, c) we had been dating for two years, and finally d) we had been friends for much much longer than that!
As much as I see the appeal of dating someone nearby versus dating long-distance, I would never find it sensible to end a two year long relationship because of it. She broke my heart and its been a rough month in getting back on the right track. She says that she "isn't nearly as close to this guy as she was with me, and may never be," but the fact is, she's still dating him. She still chose him; a guy she barely knew over her long-time friend and boyfriend.
If you could imagine, seeing her now for the first time after that whole fiasco is a rough decision for me to make. She says she misses my friendship; telling me things, joking around, etc. But I still think she gave that up when she gave me up.
Like I said, I'm such a nice guy at heart that its hard for me not to be her doormate; I still care about her. But she needs to learn what she gave up. If I give her a friendship, her decision had no consequences.
I'm still very confused on what to do. I think I will meet her; like you said, I don't want to regret not doing it and spend time wondering what would have happened. But at the same time, I'm still so hurt. I don't know if I could see her face without getting angry or depressed, just thinking about how she broke my heart.
Thanks again for the wonderful advice :) now you know a little more of the back story though... its a long one, but thank you again in advance for your thoughts :)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (21 December 2010):
Hi. I really don't think that the door is closed for her, because what would be the point in asking to see you? It would serve no real purpose.
You said on the night of the breakup, how she said that she felt you and her were meant to be together in the long run, so to say that is a real hint, I believe.
Remind yourself of the reason she broke it off in the first place.
It wasn't because you didn't get along, it was because she was going away to college, and the distance was going to make it virtually impossible to be able to see each other.
This is a very reasonable excuse. It wasn't that she had found someone else, or that you had a fight over something.
You were naturally upset by this, but unfortunately you could only see the breakup as a rejection. It wasn't a rejection - although it might have felt like it - in actual fact, the breakup was really common sense.
If you are able to put yourself in the same situation, and it was you who had to go away to college, thereby making it impossible to see each other at all, you most likely would have done the same, I'm sure.
There are so many people in the world doing the long distance relationship thing - you see it here on Dear Cupid all the time - and I can tell you that most of them are pretty much struggling with all the issues of trying to keep it going. There are all sorts of problems, and most of them are just keeping in contact only, by email or texting, and maybe the occasional long distance phone call, which can become very expensive.
The biggest problem they all have is not being able to be together face to face and go out together. It would be a very lonely lifestyle and it would be incredibly difficult to make it last beyond a year - if that.
Your girlfriend did the right thing breaking it off, as hard as it is for you. Really, she didn't have any other choice. To have not broken it off, would have put a lot of stress on her and would have inevitably affected her studies sooner rather than later. She needs to be thankful of that.
Definitely meet up with her as "rcn" suggested. Sure you are going to be nervous about it, but not near as uncomfortable, as if you decided to say 'no' to her invitation.
At the very least now, you are still mutual friends, irrespective of the breakup. This is now a new beginning, in a way.
Generally speaking, in life, people never regret what they have done, but they always regret what they never did - but always wanted to.
Regrets of unfulfilled dreams are the most powerful regrets of all, believe me. They are always like half open doors waiting to be fully opened, but they remain that way - or else get closed altogether.
This door is partially open still, (with you and her), so at least open it fully - by seeing her - then just take it a day at a time and see where it takes you.
Don't bring up about where you both stand now. Only unless she does, then it's your cue to ask questions about what's happening now.
Just meet her, and be completely open about it all, and see how she is when she sees you for the first time after a long gap. Instantly, you will have an idea of how she's feeling by how she greets you and her facial expressions. How she is when she's in your company, will also be a good clue.
Supposing it all goes well (and it probably will), you both will then organise to go out somewhere together again soon. It's fair to assume that. Don't be too anxious to jump into bed with her just yet, and just ask her to take things slow - and of course, remind her of the guy she's now dating - clear this up first, then after a couple of outings together, maybe then allow her to kiss you.
In any case, regards what happens from now on, just let your heart be your guide. Do only what instinctively "feels" right to you. If it doesn't feel right - DON'T do it. It's really that simple.
Go with the flow of life, and what comes naturally. You'll know how to act. Gut instinct will tell you every single time.
Most importantly, DON'T worry at all. Just relax and stay calm. Before your first initial meeting with her, to calm yourself, take a few long slow deep breaths. This will calm the butterflies in your stomach.
It really does sound pretty positive all round.
Best wishes and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice :) Just a few things:
1. It sounds to me that she does just want the friendship back and nothing more, but its hard to tell. She is, by the way, dating another guy (though she's been telling me lately that its nothing serious)However, the night of our break up she was saying things like "I still think we're the ones that are meant to end up together." I have no idea if she still thinks that since she's now dating again.
2. I don't have my hopes high. She broke my heart and felt little remorse in doing so. Even if she did want or expect something from me, I wouldn't give it to her. But I am a very nice guy at heart so its very hard for me to be a "doormat" to her. I honestly feel that when she gave me up, she gave up her benefits of our friendship as well. Right now, even though we were such good friends, I do not see her as one... I'm still very hurt by her sudden decision.
3. I'm leaning towards meeting her, but I'm still afraid I won't take it well. I have a feeling I'll either be moody, or overly happy, trying to compensate for what would be moodiness.
Like I said in point 1, I don't know if the door is "closed." She's dating another guy, even if its not serious to her. But she's also said those things about us being together in the long run. I still care deeply for her, but I can't just sit and wait for her, knowing that she might not even want anything more than a friendship down the road.
Thanks again for the advice... I wish I understood more..
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 December 2010):
I believe in your situation what will bring more pain is in your question. "What if"? You don't know that answer until you take a look and see. I would recommend that you meet up. As you said, you were friends a long time prior to college. Just because the relationship ended doesn't mean the friendship has to. Also, what if you two have a connection that will remain through your graduation, and if you two decide to become a couple afterward, what you do now will determine that direction.
Here, you don't know what will happen. If it were me, I'd rather know for sure if it is or is not going to happen, or if our friendship is still strong to continue, than wonder what if I would have accepted the invitation to meet. I can tell you that not knowing will do more damage long term than knowing for sure, either way.
I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (18 December 2010):
Hi there. It's understandable that she broke it off because of distance. She probably thought it wasn't fair to ask you to wait for her.
When you see her, just keep conversation light and friendly and don't try to act like you never broke up. If she tries to act like it was never over, at that point, ask her what's going on. Be very clear when you do.
Like you said, for you it might be closure. Maybe she's meeting you just to say hi, maybe it's more. You won't know though, unless you agree to see her.
I suggest you keep all your options open. See where talk goes over time, before you decide what to say. Let her guide the conversation. Just play it by ear.
Good luck.
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