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anonymous
writes: My brother is living with a girl I can't stand. He was sent away for 8 months for drug rehab and has now been clean for over a year. His girlfriend is also a recovering addict. They were involved together before he went away and she told him she would wait on him. But she did nothing but! Here is where I get involved, before my brother left to for rehab he asked me to watch her and make sure she was not "doing anything he would not do." I tried like hell to be friends with her, but just could not stand the way she used everyone. She gave up her kids so she could "use" drugs and people more, which made me lose any respect for her I could have had. It was only two days after he was gone, she was seen with a well known drug dealer in our town. And she was being watched by our local police. One of the police officers is a good family friend and told me that she was exchanging sex for drugs. But I tried to give her the a chance to explain, mostly because I just did not want to believe that this could be true. So, as stupid as it was I started following her and saw her several times in acts with other men. It just made me sick. I decided not to tell my brother because I did not want to hurt his recovery. Plus I just did not know how to tell him he was dating a person like this. So I confonted her when it was time for him to come home and let her know that he was really hurt that she had not wrote him or even came to pick up his letter he had writen her. She told me it was just too painful for her to deal with and she would tell him everything when he came home. She was then living with a man, and making meth out of their home. I told her that I knew everything she was doing and she started a fight with me. We had a knock down drag out and I ended up beating the crap out of her. (Again stupid.) My brother came home the next week and I told him about everything, only because he asked me to tell him the truth. So he confronted her and she told him all these lies and that I had attacked her and that was why she was so busied up. But the truth was I was only defending myself againts her. And it was on record with the police! But, he decided to forgive her and moved her in with him and does not talk to me at all anymore. He blames me for what she did. So I gave up and decided to just deal with my own life with out him in it. It has now been a year and I really miss my brother and I hate seeing her use him and my parents all the time. But I don't know what else I can do. If he loves her I don't want to mess that up for him. But I wish there was some way I could make him understand I was not lying to him and that she made everything up about what she was doing while he was gone. But mostly I wish I had the closeness we once shared. What can I do, he won't even talk to me any more.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (26 April 2005):
 I'm so sorry to hear that your brother has shut you out over this. Take some consolation in the fact that he knows, on some level, that she's bad news. That's why he's so desperate to shift blame to someone else. Like you, unfortunately.There is nothing you can do about your brother's choices. You were wrong to get into a physical fracas with the girlfriend, no matter what the circumstances. It will take some time for the scars on your relationship to heal over that issue.You can report his girlfriend's illegal activities to your local police anonymously through an organisation like Crime Stoppers - you'd be doing their community a huge favour - but it won't change your brother's feelings for her, or for you. He has to make his own choice.All you can do is continue to hold out an olive branch and be sure that he knows that you love him and support him and that - this part is tacit - you'll be there to welcome him to the fold when he comes to his senses and leaves that..person.I know you loathe his girlfriend, and it sounds like with good reason, but don't let your aversion show too much. If you do, it will only make your brother defend her even more. Send them Christmas cards addressed to them both. Make sure that your brother has your current address and phone number. Now and then, drop him a line with a photo or two in it, so he knows you're still there for him. Act like the brother you wish he could be and keep him updated with news of the rest of your family, even if he doesn't respond.In the meantime, remember that Life is long. Eventually, he will probably come to his senses. She'll either leave or he'll grow sick of her lies and criminal activity. Your brother will love you more when he realises that you didn't give up on him when he made bad choices.Hope this is some help.
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