A
female
age
,
*isdomfey
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 yrs. We have seperated 2 times in the past over dumb things but have always worked things out. last week he told me that he needed time to think about where his life was going. Well that was like something straight out of the blue. I mean it was just recently that my 12 yr old son started to warm up to him and my bf (if he is still that) started going to my sons hockey games as a matter of fact last week at the game he said in front of my son if we were going to have hockey and racing in *our* lives we would have to start making more money, a week later he dropped on me that i was draining him and so on, I talked to him and he said he did not want me out of his life but he needed time to think about what he wanted for his. I also know for a fact that he has not met or been with anyone else. so here is the question should I give him some time? Do you think it is because he has never been married and is thinking about what a commitment might bring for him? He has said things as well like well if we lived together and stuff like that. He adores my son so that is not it. please help. esp men who might have a better insight it is killng me not seeing him
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female
reader, wisdomfey +, writes (6 November 2007):
wisdomfey is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi anonymous Thank you I do see what you are saying, I am not a manipulator.And as he has bought me flowers I do not expect him to do the sorry thing. I know who he is. A weird thing happened tonight that I took as a step forward was he called me and asked if i wanted to get something to eat. I went and we chatted, i stayed away from asking him about what he was thinking. He did say however on his own that he has been thinking about things alot. He also introduced me as his gf to someone he knew in the place. Make no mistake, I did not ask to move in , or get married to be honest I am not ready for another wedding just yet. I like that we have our own places for now becuase we do get our own time. I never asked for that either *to move in together* All i want is some kind of assurance that if i do get my son more involved that he does not hurt him. This is a toughy. I do really think hard about everything everyone has written it has helped me think alot. and ask myself questions. Again he is the one who wanted to get to know my son better and he really likes the kid. I just do not understand or DID not until all of these responses of what he was going through. THANKS AGAIN!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): bottom poster here again
It sounds a lot like you're trying to manipulate him into making a commitment to you, and I would strongly caution you not to do that. If he comes to you with a box of chocolates and a dozen roses and tells you how sorry he is for under-appreciating you for all of this time and begging your forgiveness (which isn't going to happen), that doesn't change any of the pertinent facts over the past two years. He's shown you who he is, and that's not going to change significantly in the next few days, months or years.
Your choice is not to change him or to manipulate him into changing -- neither is possible. Your choice is to accept him exactly the way he is, or to look elsewhere. Take it or leave it. He is who he is. The only question before you is who you are. Are you the woman who will accept from him the same amount of himself that he has offered for the same amount of you that he expects? Or do you want something else -- maybe someone who will marry you and make a family? Or whatever. You will show the answer to that question by what you choose to do about this.
I don't think you're confused here. I think you may be conflicted, but there's no confusion here. He's shown you very clearly who he is and who he sees you as. And you know, deep down, what you want from a man in your life. So you know, deep down, if he is who you want or not. The fact that you've asked the question here is a strong indication of what that answer is. I think you might be facing a conflict between what you know to be true, and what you want to be true. I suggest that you acknowledge what you know to be true, and do whatever you need to do about it, rather than pretend that what you want to be true is so.
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A
female
reader, wisdomfey +, writes (5 November 2007):
wisdomfey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to add that the other times we split I was the one who would call and try top patch it up,he knows I will do as I always do. I kind of think becuase i did nothing to piss him off this time that I should leave him think it out and if he calls fine and if not in about a few days call and tell him that I have moved on. I do not want to but i am at my wits end. I really anm in love with him. My son said to me the other day that he never saw me look at his dad like i look at this guy.
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A
female
reader, wisdomfey +, writes (5 November 2007):
wisdomfey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow that was pretty profound. You are right, I need time to think as well. i would like some more input though, I am very confused right now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): I think that thinking about where you're going in your life would be a good thing as well. Do you want to continue to be available to him when you're convenient, or do you want to be married? Do you have any reason to believe that he is going to marry you ever? Get really honest with yourself about what you really want and what you really need, and then about whether this guy fits with where you want your life to be or not.
Don't settle for him if he's not what you want -- that's not fair to either of you. Don't stick with him because you're afraid of looking like a fool for investing so much time in him -- you'll only feel more foolish later if this was your reason for not leaving now and you end up leaving later. Don't stick with him because you don't think you can find someone else quickly, or someone who will be better. That's just another kind of settling.
You're grown, and your son needs you to be a grown up about this. I don't need to tell you anything about this guy -- he's already shown you who he is and what he will and won't do. All I'm telling you is to not pretend that you don't know what you know.
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