A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiI have had a bit of trouble with my boyfriend lately, he confessed recently he was a little scared of us and how close we had got so quickly, and scared of love, because the only time before he had truly loved it had ended up in a mess. I was very accepting of this and can understand completely, however I am finding it hard to do things the right way to reassure him I'm not going to run off as has happened to him in the past.I deeply care about this guy but as a result of the way he feels the only time he is affectionate is when we are completely alone, he still has not spent any time round my family and wont come round to my parents house.How do I reassure him and stop him panicking so much minus the obvious Im not going anywhere speech? My friends tell me I have given more than his fair share of support and understanding and that I should just stand back and let him get on with it, but thats something I find almost impossible to do. Id also like some suggestions of how to get him involved with my family a little more, as I have known him quite a while now and he is coming across ignorant to them, when that isnt really the case once he knows people, he just seems to struggle to get past the threshold of wanting to be around new people.I more than understand past takes time to get over and time per person depends on the individual but its starting to get me frustrated, I have tried to talk to him about it and he apologies, and when I get upset sometimes does promise to come see me at home, or meet people but never goes through with it.I dont know what to do so any suggestions would be great. Thanks Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (4 January 2008):
 It's not the fact of forgiving the past. It happened, it's an experience, another chapter he's written for life experiences. It's forgiving her for her wrong doing (the actions) and him for his (the actions). We don't actually get stuck, or hung up on the past. We get stuck on regret (which is an action) or due to other actions that took place.
It's easy to miss the family environment. I'm a single parent, I miss my ex from time to time. At least my kids can talk to share successes with. My ex-wife and I would fight often about small issues. I keep reinforcing to my children that their lucky. Even though we don't live together, we're good friends. They have two parents that love them, and have respect for the kids to work together in taking care of them and making decisions in their best interest. They'll grow up much happier than to be stuck in a stressful household.
He needs to forgive himself. It sounds like he's stuck in the could of, would of, should of phase. You can't change the actions that took place in the past, but you can work on having a wonderful future even with some negative past events.
Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe only difficulty is with him forgiving the past is that he is constantly reminded of it. His ex girlfriend is mother to his five year old son, so she is constantly round with the boy, or for money. I feel if she wasnt around at all he probably would not have so many problems, but she is not going away and we both have had to come to accept that.The best way he has put it to me is that he misses the family he had, not her in particular, I had to hold my tongue not to state the obvious that he could have that again. I'm quite willing to take on his son, and the ex as part of my life, and incorporate it into a family situation, eventually adding to it children of our own, and without me specifically saying this with the loyalty I have shown despite a lot of problems I would have thought it was obvious.I daren't just come out with the fact I'm quite willing to be there very very long term, despite the fact we have been together a long time, incase due to his seeming commitment phobe he recoils on me, as I have only just started to regulary get him to actually discuss his feelings.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 January 2008):
He needs to realize his past relationship was not a mess, it was the incompatibility of the individuals in it. A relationship its self doesn't have the ability to create its self into a mess, it's takes people to do so.
He needs to realize within that relationship he was with another individual who was not you. Just because it didn't work out with them, doesn't mean you'd display the same damaging behaviors the other person did.
The way to do this is, he needs to forgive the person in the past who caused him pain. Not because they necessarily deserve it, but because he deserves to move on without carrying that baggage with him. He also needs to look at his part in why the past didn't work out and forgive himself for not knowing or for allowing situations to take place that he may have had a part into allowing the development of.
I hope this works for you, take care and good luck. Don't give the I'll be here speach. With the past, I'll bet he's heard that speach before by others. It's like telling a child they are important and can succeed when they personally feel like a failure. To them it's just words with no meaning. In this case, actions will speak louder than words.
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