A
female
age
26-29,
willa
writes:Hi, My boyfriend says that i am controlling and paranoid as i don't like him attending nights out clubbing with his work colleagues(many female), however i feel that the reason i have a problem with this is because he has failed to return home from many of these nights out until the next day and never has an explanation.He tends to get very drunk and does not know when to stop we have had problems in the past of him openly coming on to women in front of me so and i feel i am justified in not being comfortable with him going out on drinking sessions alone. Please tell me if i have a right to feel this way or if i am a paranoid lunaticWilla
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, willa +, writes (10 October 2007):
willa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much to all of you for taking the time out to help me with my problem i really appreciate it and it is great to hear that i am not a lunatic as i would hate to be classed as one of those women who want total control over their partner. I don't think i am like that but was starting to believe the problem was mine even though my gut told me that my BF was playing mind games with me.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): I wouldnt put up with this cr*p he is dealing out to you, not for one minute! He has the bloody cheek to turn it around to make you feel uncomfortable about it. I know what i would do with him. I would kick him to the kerb if he didnt stop right now what he is doing. You deserve better and do not put up with this behaviour for another minute. Let him enjoy his nights out with is colleagues forever!!! While you remain miles away from him, mentally and physically.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): Let me get this straight... your boyfriend, who has a history of sleazy behavior, goes out at night all of the time with female work colleagues... he gets very drunk and stays out until the next day, and does not offer you any explanation as to what happened- and worse, says that you are controlling and paranoid?
He's being an asshole. Sorry but it has to be said.
He is being unreasonable and rude.
It sounds also like he is probably "involved" with some of these females, since he never tells you what happens and like you said, he never knows when to stop.
You don't deserve this crap. I am in awe that you are still putting up with it. He's either got to grow the hell up and become a real man who can give you the respect you deserve or you've got to get rid of him. He's making you think you are going crazy. It's not fair to you.
Please find a way out...
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A
female
reader, Fade878  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 Wow, you found yourself an emotionally abusive man that likes to make you doubt your self perception. He wants to keep you off balance and doubt so he can keep doing what he does. How manipulative of him. Sorry but a loving man would not do that to his special and beautiful woman.
It's not worth your mental and emotional well being to remain in this parasitic relationship.
You dont' trust him for real reasons so your gut tells you.
Did you have a Father/Mother that behaved as he did? Did you feel abandoned?
This man emotionally and physically abandons you, he does not make you feel safe and secure. He has you feeling like you are crazy and unreasonable.
He is the one who is unreasonable.
If he can not validate your feelings and thoughts and put your happiness next to his-he may never be capable of doing this.
Leave him. He isn't in a position to offer you happiness. He's selfish, uncaring.
You need to break this cycle of abuse.
Abusive, addicts are infamous for being unreliable emotionally. He is caught up in a destructive pattern that gaurentees himself and you future unhappiness.
Put yourself and your happiness first-he sure hasn't.
I totally concur with Irish.
*hugs*
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Phil  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 I assume you share a home with him? If so, it's not right for him to stay out until the following morning and I think you have every reason to be suspicious.
Is there any chance you could have a night out with the boys and come home the following day, with protestations that you can't remember a thing about it because you were slaughtered? he might get the point, but don't bank on it - he seems a little insensitive.
Phil
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A
female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (9 October 2007):
 Your bf is telling you this, simply to justify and defend his bad behaviors. My opinion is, that no bf should be putting a loved one through the emotional workout, he is doing to you. The type of behaviors you describe him doing, indicate to me that he is not committed nor mature enough to conduct a loving, generous adult relationship. When one loves another they do all they can to build the trust, not shatter it. You could ask him nicely to be more considerate of you and behave more lovingly but something tells me, you have tried that. So rather than becoming a paranoid, controlling lunatic (as he describes), why don't you just calmly/maturely/bluntly tell him, you won't tolerate his behaviors anymore. Simple as that. And if he doesn't want what you want and is unwilling to display more respect...it means this relationship will not fly, over the long run because if he is refusing to make the necessary changes to enhance this relationship, then you'd be far better off...going solo.
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