A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I need some help to see if I'm being unfair to my bf who seems to listen to everyone except me :( We've been together 1 yr, and one of the things I like about him is his caring nature. But it feels like that side of him is available to everyone except me, and I feel like he never listens to me. For example, I work as a nurse, and today one of my patients died. I was really upset, and when he asked me how my day was, I told him it had been tough and about the death. He immediately went off at a tangent and started talking about his work colleague, a guy he's known for 3 months, telling me how this colleague had confided in him that he's going to court for an assault charge. It kinda annoyed me because I'm usually the kind of person who listens to everyone elses problems, including my bf's, and I very rarely would talk about my own feelings. So the one time when I do, it felt like he brushed it aside. It's happened before, when I had a miscarriage (unplanned pregnancy) with him. It's a character strength that he is caring and a good listener to his friends, but I can't help but feel upset that he doesn't listen on the few occasions that something upsets me that I want to mention to him. I feel like you should be able to share feelings in a relationship and openly communicate (i.e., talk AND listen) with each other.So anyway, today I've been in tears, while he went off to see one of his mates. He is a good guy, and I wonder if I'm being unfair on him. He doesn't have any other worries himself at the moment, and our relationship is otherwise good. I'm worried that my frustrations about this will affect our relationship though:( I have spoken to him about this once in the past, when I was trying to talk to him about how upset I was over the miscarriage and he went off at a tangent talking about a man who was walking passed us, but nothing has changed. Am I being unfair? What do you think? Thanks :) Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 October 2011):
I think that your boyfriend has some pretty deep rooted issues when it comes to discussing and dealing with real emotions. I think he can handle situations, like his friend going to court, like a guy walking past. I don't think he can cope with emotions. And that's going to be a major problem. Twice when you have desperately needed to talk to him, he's not even made an effort to listen and has just gone off at a tangent. He's the one being unfair here.
In fairness, it might not be his fault. He may have a real issue with death (the miscarriage, the death of the patient). Perhaps he's lost someone very close and simply can't talk about it.
One thing is, I'm say to say, very clear from this. If this continues, your relationship will not be able to function. Truth is you can virtually judge a man on how he responds when you need him most, or when he's under stress. If you needed to talk and he wasn't there - twice - then he won't ever really be there for you emotionally. You've also tried to talk about this, and he's not made an effort to change.
Perhaps the time has come for you to really think about whether this man offers you what you need. It really seems like he doesn't.
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