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My boyfriend cheats on his girlfriend with me, but he won't make a choice between us!

Tagged as: Cheating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 October 2005) 20 Answers - (Newest, 31 July 2009)
A female , *mb0803 writes:

My ex has been cheating on his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years with me. This has been going on for 1 1/2 years. He says he doesn't love her and since she lives 2 hours away their relationship isn't going to chang. However he always has the same response when I ask him about us getting back together: he doesnt know because he isn't convinced that we'll work.

I don't know what to do. We have an 11 year old son together. Should I tell his other girlfriend and provide evidence or should I stick it out?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009):

I really don't know what to say, except I am in a similar situation. His ex girlfriend was l5 or so years in it with him, but no marriage. She still is his love, but married someone else. I feel sort of crazy, and even think I'm in a losing battle. You have a child, but if they love another woman, it still doesn't make you the victor in this tug of war. I've read tons of Christian Carter's advice, and am a Chrisitan, so I think God isn't exactly pleased with either yours or my situation. You can't run or hide, but jealousy is an ugly feeling....we both need a miracle. Good luck....just ask God to give you either or the way in or out of it.

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A female reader, OMFGRUSerious United States +, writes (29 January 2009):

lol First of all the main tag question is all wrong.

It is not: "My boyfriend cheats on his girlfriend with me, but he won't make a choice between us!"

It is: "My ex, (whom I know is in a realationship) is screwing me and his girlfriend and he won't give up sex with multiple partners and ruin our childs life oh and mine as well please help"

Fuck him.....take care of that boy, he needs to learn how to treat the women in his future.

Because if my daughter was to meet your son and he treated her like his dad treats you, I will come over to ya house with a sock full o pennies and bloody you and daddy O up.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009):

Please save yourself from a pointless many years. He will never leave his girlfriend because he doesn't have to. I dated someone who has (and still has) a girlfriend of SIX years he claims not to love and that he will never marry her. BUT the bottom line is, I want more from a relationship and I can give more than he can because I simply would never cheat on someone. Never have, never will.

WHAT makes you think that if he broke up with her and dated you, that he wouldn't cheat on you in a year or two when things got settled in?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009):

This is a fairly common scenario that many girls have encountered. A few of my gf's have had this problem as have I. I was led on by a guy and only after having slept together numerous times did he tell me that he had a steady gf.I got the typical responses, that he was "confused", that he wanted to break up with her etc. etc. but his actions never coincided with his words. It was lots of drama and in the end it wasn't worth it. He just wanted his cake and a cupcake on the side. His gf caught him once and he was booted out of the house for a week and had his buddy bail him out with some lame excuse he made up. Eventually she took him back and that was enough for me to realize that he had different intentions.He just wanted me as some extra fun on the side and I felt insulted.I think most of these guys are just looking for a girl to date and sleep with on the side, many of them have NO intention of leaving the girl they are with.

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A female reader, BEEpeach United States +, writes (8 May 2008):

HMPH Well I am having sex with a guy who has a girlfriend with whom I am very much in love with and screw all of you who think I think so low of myself that I cant do better initially I didnt know he was with someone I was young when I met him now I am way more mature so then I wasnt in love but we have had an on and off relationship that has only gotten stronger the thought of him leaving her plays no role in our relationship hey I dont think he would be faithful to me anyway but I love the things he does for sexually materialistically emotionally and all that I had a child with someone else while we were on one of our breaks and he still does more for him than his own dad. So oh well i personally have gotten over the fact that he is dating someone else either you will or you wont know this once a cheat always a cheat......so love em how he is or leave him alone! Everyone has there flaws everyone deals with what they chose to.......If you want more go for it. But I would just keep things how they are.....HATE ON HATERS

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007):

Im just here to say I ve been there done that! Men are going to be who they are!liars,cheaters.Not saying all of them are but 90% of them are. If you love this man but you know hie's in a relationship develop a good friendship but if he makes more of it you should remind him that he isn't single..but if you sleep with him you're not helping the situatio.He's going to beleive he can have two girls and nothing is wrong

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007):

alright i actually get to answer a question, hey if you want to be with him then tell his girlfriend the truth or else he's just going to keep going between u's, and as a male i think it's class to have 2 females fighting over a male but seriously i don't actually agree with it my-self, you have a son aged eleven it's him i feel sorry for because if and when everythink comes out it's him stuck in the middle, it sounds like your too much into your love life to even be bothered about your son and so is this man, you both need to decide what's right so he dosen't have to end up listening to the argument and that all the time, get over him if you have to but please concentrate on your son he deserves a good life, and shouldn't have to be stuck in the middle of all of this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007):

Ok so first of all to the people who actually are doing stuff with a guy who has a girlfriend... fuck off you are in no need to give advice because your the ones CAUSING all the problems... find your own an actual single one.

alright and as for you he probably deep down does still have feelings for his ex girlfriend especially since if she was his first lover.. you never will forget your first love, but he has no right to do that to you he should choose who he wants to be with, not battle between the two. Right now this guy is winning he wants both and he is getting it. You need to decide whether you want to put up with him cheating on you with his ex or actually stand up as a woman and say enough is enough. In the end guy have much more respect for a women who will actually stand up and in the end probably will end up with you instead of her if his love is strong for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007):

well, for a start you should have made it clear that it was you or her at the start, not of your relationship together, but of when yous began to see each other.

second, you should remember that this girl probably has strong feelings for him as they have been dating for a sufficient tym.... and on the other hand, if they dont see each other as often, maybe she feels similar to him!

my advice: get it all out in the open and work from there, you will feel better and could perhaps work things out with this fella, cuz after all, if us did have that spark left, it would be the best thing for, keeping in mind, your son.

have a think about it love xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2007):

is he hot?? lol well i just had a makeout night with this guy who has a girlfriend and well it sux cause when you see him with his girl you wonder f hes secretly looking at you.. but honestly BOYS SUCK! you and his girlfrend are the ones that are screwed.. hes the one getting all the action!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2007):

i think you shoud tell his other girlfriend that he as a son see if it was my boyfriend and he told he didn't have another girl i would say look me in the eye and tell me and if he looks away then he lyeing and you know that so asked him to look you in the eye and tell you that he does not have another girl. Thanks

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2007):

im in a slightly similar possition. im seeing someone who has a girlfriend wen it initialy started (wen we were just talking) i wasnt aware. then i found out but carried on, right now im torn, everyone sensibly answers brake it up! hes a player! but im not with him for the hope of a long term relationship, i dnt expect it from him hes nt that kinda guy well atleast not right now. im in it for the fun and thats whats keeping me with him.seing as ur hoping for a real relationship from this guy all i can say is be carefull, he hasnt denied u this relationship or confirmed it, consequently he hasnt answered you but still has you. he doesnt sound like hes about to settle down, so do be carefull, wary and smart, if not for urself for ur child.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2006):

Well, first of all being the "other woman" I must say is a disgrace. If you were going out with a guy, (whether or not he lived accross the atlantic or right next door) would you want him roaming around with his ex girlfriend. Plus keep in mind, that if he doesn't have any consideration for his current girlfriend what make you think he really cares about you. From what I've read you need to stop seeing him. Not only for your child but for your own sanity! This guy is a player, he knows what he's doing. He's using you and filling your head with lies, he has no intention of breaking up with his current girlfriend and uses "I don't know if we would last" as an excuse! Open your eyes, take a look around and smell the roses hunny! If he was any kind of man, he wouldn't be afraid to take a risk and say "heck with it, I love this woman and I want to be with her, and only her." Your just the bun for his hot dog and nothing more. Being the "other woman" I can't say that YOU deserve better, but I know your child should not have to be put in such a mess. If not for yourself break it off with this scum for you kid. If you really loved your child, that's the right decision to be made.

The "Other woman" is always just a spare tire, TRUST me. He's using you. Whether or not he admits this is not relevant. Would you want to admit that your scum for going out with an unavailable man. The fact that he even wants to see you on the side is an insult to every woman! This puts a very bad taste in my mouth!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2005):

It's hard being the other woman and I bet in the beginning you never felt that way. I was in a similiar situation once. From it I learned that men will say anything to get you in bed. I did tell his girlfriend very plainly and calmly over the phone. She took it very well. She hung up on me, called me, asked more questions and hung up on me again. Her anger was justified. I told her it was love and not just sex. She said she did not care. Again, I did not blame her. In my opinion things worked out great. He was playing both sides of the fence, and was unworthy of either of our affection let alone both. The rest that happens is still up in the air. I;ve never done that before and I'll never do it again. It's a lousy situation and I'm sorry for your pain. I vote to tell her, but definitely take all her anger and keep swallowing it because in her mind at the time you'll have single handedly destroyed her world.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2005):

tell her! blimey she should know what low life his is, and what if he is sleeping with others and bringing home infections? I can't understand these women saying don't tell her and just walk away. How silly, why let men away with bad behaviour, if they do the dirty they have to come down a peg or two and expect the consquences. Telling her will give you all closure and there is no going back from that. One more thing don't put up with behaviour like this again, if you demand respect you get it or they get lost!

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A female reader, nej0538 +, writes (5 November 2005):

A couple years back, I was in this same situation. First he told me he wasn't with her anymore, and just wanted me. Next thing I know, mutual friends of ours told me that his ex was going over to his place all of the time. I tried to break it off, but he tried to tell me that he wanted me and that maybe he wasn't going to be with her. I didn't completely abandon him until around 6 months later (what a mistake! Oh, and he married her around two months ago).

All I know is that it is not a good situation to be in because you're wasting precious time that you could be using to find a way better guy than him. Plus, if he is cheating on her to be with you, wouldn't he do the same to you if you were with him?

I say forget him, as hard as it may be, and move on. It'll make you much happier in the end.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2005):

He will never leave her for you. I have been with a man for the last five months in the same situation and thank God, I woke up and realized that he's just using me to keep busy while he can't be with her. If he was going to leave her..he would have by now. And look at it this way...if he's doing this to her with you...he would do it to you too.We spend a lot of time trying to convince ourselves that it's different, but in the end, all of their promises and sweet words never changed anything.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2005):

My partner was leading his ex on in the same way and she wanted to get back with him. Guess what...he chose me!

The fact is you both split for a reason and that reason is still there. If he wanted you he would be with you - easy. He is using you for easy comfort sex. It is a shame that a child is involved. Get over it and leave the poor woman alone.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2005):

I feel more sorry for his girlfriend-totally oblivious to what you two are doing behind her back. Why are you giving him permission to do this and better yet, WHY are you doing this? And WHY would you even consider causing her so much pain and loss by telling her? How nasty and self-serving is that? What I believe is so devastating about cheating is that it shakes one's belief in themselves. To the very point where one feels unlovable, and because your most intimate friend has so blatantly lied to one about our worth, and our ability to trust is rocked. This is what she will feel, hun. It's time for you to do the right things and just step aside, dear. Maybe if you become unavailable to him. he might just decide to make it work with her.

Please keep in mind, she's a victim of his deceit and lies. In a way you are too, but the only difference is, you realize this and you still allow yourself to be manipulated by him.. In which case, you are no longer a victim...you are now a volunteer. And I have to wonder WHY your self-value is SO low, that you would allow this. And don't tell me this is love..love and deceit cannot exist side by side. So, why do I think he is doing this? Because he been allowed to behave this way. I believe people generally only rise to the level of your own expectations. If you haven't kicked his sorry ass to the curb yet, why should he change? He's smug..he's got the best of both worlds here. I can't think of anything other than, "get him out of your life" because there are some decent, loving, honorable guys out there. Heal and recover from this..take as long as you need but do know-in time, once you get far enough from this situation is to be able to look back on your relationship with some clarity and mature perspective. Please do yourself a favor and get rid of him as quickly as possible. Good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2005):

I suggest Option C. Tell this man to take a long walk off a short pier!

Your cheating boyfriend must feel like the cat that ate the canary. What a stroke to his ego you two women are! He's sleeping with two women, and telling both that he "loves" them, but doesn't know if they'd "work", giving him a convenient reason not to break up with either one.

Wow! How much more are you going to put up with? Does he have to wipe his muddy boots on your back? This man isn't acting like he loves you; he's acting like he loves the fact that he's keeping two women on the line at once. He's acting like he has a head so swollen with his own self-importance that he can't seem to squeeze in the concept of "one man, one woman".

You're not doing yourself or your son any favours by sleeping with this weasel. In fact, I rather think your son is going to develop the mistaken impression that the way you're being maltreated is the way men behave with women. Since this is what he sees going on with his mum, this must be normal, right?

As to telling his girlfriend about you, what do you think that will do? She'll probably just be mad at you and try to prevent Lover Boy from spending more time with you (which would be a good thing, except that he'd just find another way to have sex on the sly).

Please, please realise that you're sharing a man who cares more about his sex life than he does about you. He's cheating on the woman he cheated with! He's a L-O-S-E-R! You can do so much better!

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