A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My uncle was diagnosed with cancer five weeks ago, and he died two days ago. I have been having nightmares about when I saw him in hospital with the oxygen mask on. I wanted to see him in hospital, but it was very difficult. It was heart breaking seeing him so ill and weak. I had plans with some of my friends this weekend, but I have cancelled them, as I don't feel like doing much at all. I am also unemployed, and I am on jobseeker's allowance. I don't even feel motivated to look for a job anymore. I had a signing on appointment at the jobcentre on the day that my uncle died.i I didn't want to go there at first, but I knew that if I didn't keep the appointment, it would have caused problems. I also have to go to a work programme appointment on Monday. I lived with my uncle ( my grandparents also live here). We had all been living together for three years. My uncle and I were always close. He was also my godfather. We used to go out to places together. He was like another parent, and one of my best friends. I have been feeling guilty though too, because I have been in a relationship for a year and a half, and ever since I got together with my boyfriend, I have spent the majority of my time with him, and now I wish I had done more with my uncle . I also wish that I could have done more things with him over the last five weeks .We did do things together, but I wish we could have done more. If I had known how quickly this was going to happen, I would have. I saw my uncle in hospital the day before he died. He had only been in hospital for four days then. I sat next to him and held and stroked his hand. I told him I loved him, and he said that he loved me too. I also told him that he had been a lovely uncle and godfather, and I gave him a kiss. I felt a bit awkward, as a member of staff was in the room then. I wanted her to leave the room. However, she had asked my other uncle if anyone wanted her to leave the room, and he said no straight away, so I didn't say anything. I stayed with my uncle for about an hour, but I wish I could have been in hospital with him the whole time, until he passed. My mum, my grandma, my mum's aunty and my other uncle were with him when he passed. My mum kind of rushed me out the room, and I feel angry with her for that. She told me that there couldn't be too many people sat around his bed. She also wanted to give me a lift home then as she had to come to my house anyway to pick some things up. I wish I could have said more to him. Do you think I said enough, and do you think I stayed with him long enough?. Also, my family don't want to go and see him in his coffin before the funeral, but I would like to. I have never seen anyone in a coffin before though. I don't know how to carry on with life. I have been lying in bed a lot too, and have been crying a lot. I have also been spending time with my family though, and we have laughed thinking about the good times that we had with him.
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male
reader, j127 +, writes (6 July 2013):
My advice is not to look at dead people in their coffin because that image will be with you forever. Just try to rememebr your uncle's face when he was still healthy and enjoying life.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (5 July 2013):
 This must be a sad and difficult time for you. BUTDon't focus on what if's because its not healthy. You should be focusing on bettering yourself so that you can make your uncle proud by being the best person that you can be. He wouldn't like seeing you beat yourself up like you're doing. We often see death as a tragic event but we fail to understand that its better our loved one be put out of his/her misery.Try doing fun stuff with your friends or people that make you feel good and have the ability to lift your spirits up. Get a job to better yourself and keep busy. Morn, morning is good. Its all part of the healing process. Keep yourself in check and remember that death is a natural part of life. Make your uncle proud and don't give up on life because even though his life ended, you're still here. Press forward and try to focus on the positive things in your life. God bless
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (5 July 2013):
 I'm very sorry for your loss.
You were very good to him. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You were a loving niece.
If you want to go and see his body before the funeral, do it.
Remember the good times and keep talking and crying with people who knew him too. It's good to express your emotions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2013): Hi sweetie, you posted before, and I'm so very sorry your uncle has passed on. My mother in law died from cancer it was very quick much like your uncle she died June the 8th so I can very much relate to what your going through . I also lost my mother in 2002 and have a very hard time if I recall her last days.. Here what my mother told me before she died, she knew she was though I had hope she'd pull through..Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there - I do not sleep. I am the thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints in snow, I am the sunlight on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain. As you awake with morning's hush I am the swift-up-flinging rush Of quiet birds in circling flight. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there - I did not die.Your uncle is still with you, he's in your heart and you need to focus not on his death but on all the lovely things you too did together .. He appreciated the time you spent with him, I can promise you that.. Your words of love and comfort would have meant the world to him.. Do not beat yourself up that you were not there for his final passing . He would understand.It is natural to feel depressed he was such a big part of your life and you are starting the grieving process . When my mother died I have limited memory of the year after, as I went through life not feeling much and on auto pilot. You will experience a host of emotions my advice wod be to seek out some help.1) phone your gp make an appointment explain about your uncle passing and the void mess and depression you are feeling.. He may prescribe you some meds to help and refer you for some therapy.Also if your not sleeping he may prescribe a sleep aid just for a while to help you get the rest you need..2) he may also sign you of from work for a while and you could claim ESA until you are feeling more Able to deal with the world.Viewing someone when they have gone can go two ways it can either be a very uplifting experience where you get to say your last ' goodbyes' and tell him you wished you had been with him at the end.. That you love and miss him.OrIt can deeply shock a person, and become totally negative . You seem quite emotional and maybe your relatives are thinking that this night not be the best for you.However the right to veiw a loved one, is yours aloneHowever remember these few pointers1) this is just their shell ( my mother told me this) don't be frightened .2) whom won't harm you in life won't harm you in death.3) don't concentrate on your uncle to much . 4) be kind to yourself .. It's not the person that goes .. It's the people that left behind that need comfort ..Live your life .. Not in a room .. Go out with friends as soon as you can .. Think of him and smile and toast him in heaven .. He be watching and making sure you do okey..Also before I go.. Don't be hard that you been in relationship Nd spending time with your bf that is normal and your uncle wouldn't have wanted you to have done anything more than you did .Take care sweetie god bless you and your family.
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