A
female
age
36-40,
*ainydaywithsunshine
writes:Dear readers,I have a question but first let me clarify, I am happy and love my boyfriend. I have no intentions of leaving him. That said, here we go!My boyfriend and I have been dating for a bit over a year and the only problem (in my head) is his inability/discomfort with the whole emotion thing. I.e. he has yet to tell me that he loves me. We have the type of relationship where we talk about EVERYTHING. I ask him about it and he tells me he isn't ready. He is more comfortable with calling it "smitten" or "crazy about [me]". He can't bring himself to say "I love you". He has said it only once and I don't count it because he was trashed and not how I wanted to hear it. I know how he feels about me. I know that he loves me. Is it strange that I just want to hear him say it out loud? Is it strange that he doesn't want to say it? Sometimes I worry that he might get cold feet (seeing how he often tells me no matter how happy he is he hates relationships). Sometimes I wonder if we only ok now because we are in our comfort zone and no moving or job changes or anything life changing has happened yet. What do you all think? Should I continue to be patient with him or should I give him a time frame and try to nudge him in to taking those necessary steps in a relationship? Should I tell him that I love him and put the ball even further in his court? Like I said I'm happy I am just very confused.
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female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (8 January 2009):
 For some reason, when you mentioned that his career was an issue, my relationship popped right in my head! My relationship with my current boyfriend is harder than any other I have been in. Because he has been trained to behave a certain way in situations. To turn their emotions off. And sometimes it is hard for them to turn them back on when they get home. Just yesterday, during a silly little spat over him helping me with my cell, he turned into office smith...which has an amazing way of just grinding my gears. Men of service are their own bread. And it takes a very strong woman to stand behind them and be there for them. And trust me, plenty of my bf's fellow cop friends say girls like us don't come around very often. They go through so much at work that when they get home, sometimes they just shut down. And we just sit there and go, what the hell? Just support him. Be his rock when he gets home (he may have had a worse day then he wants to tell you...my bf does this sometimes. They see it as protecting you from the harsh realities of the world). Be his soft place to fall when he is off duty. Men of service never ask for this. He does need it. He will come around someday. Some are harder cookies than others. If you ever need someone to talk to about this particular subject (why men of service act in such odd ways) you can always message me. I may not know it all, but I have good first hand insight.) You're a good girl. He's lucky to have you.
A
female
reader, rainydaywithsunshine +, writes (8 January 2009):
rainydaywithsunshine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthat is probably the best advice I've heard so far. not that the others were bad, quite the opposite.
i'm glad you understand what I am talking about. my boyfriend is a firefighter and they are specifcally trained not to feel.i don't know if that has anything to do with it, i also think past relationships haven't helped either.
his actions scream to me sometimes that i am his special someone.but other times it seems as if I irritate him beyond any possible reason. but like i always say love, hate, same thing.
thank you everyone. i believe that doing nothing will be my best option. i think now more than ever his actions do indeed speak louder than his words ever could.
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (7 January 2009):
I totally understand what you mean by hes hiding behind he career. My boyfriend is a police officer, and one of the things he does most often, which annoys me more than anything else he does, how he is mister tough guy and isn't that great at communicating feelings. I personally believe this is because of his job. Now, he does say I love you, but he isn't that great at showing it. Its a real pain when he is home, off duty and becomes Officer Smith, and not the Chis I am in a relationship with...
Some guys really suck and communicating feelings. Just go on his actions and don't push him to say I Love You. Actions speak louder than words. Just listen to what he does...
This is a hard thing to do...I know first hand.
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A
female
reader, rainydaywithsunshine +, writes (7 January 2009):
rainydaywithsunshine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with what you all are saying. I was thinking about saying something like "You know I love you right" kinda off hand and then dropping it so that he can say it in his own time.
he's a tricky one though. often he hides behind his career as a reason for not taking the next step. he says he wants to focus on it and this that and other things. I have told him repeatedly that very little will change should he choose to say it and that I want him to focus on his career and support him in whatever he chooses to do.
he's frustrating. he knows how he feels (he's told me he knows) but he's (lovingly)a chicken shit (excuse my language) and won't come to terms. I am frustrated but ever patient.
I am unwilling to leave him because he is the best relationship I've ever been in and this is our only problem. he is loving, patient, communicative, can't keep his hands off me when we're together, understanding, on my side 8 times out of 10, doesn't mind telling me when I'm being a tool and laughs when I say "same to you". It's wonderful I just wish he would fess up so I can stop being a woman a.k.a obsessing over small things(although to me this isn't that small).
I appreciate all the input!
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A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (7 January 2009):
Hi! Believe me, you are not alone in having a boyfriend reluctant to say the big three words! I agree with what the other Aunts say, especially how, for men, it somehow is a much more "Loaded" question. I want to add that, from what you say, I gather that YOU have not said "I love you" to him either... I think you might consider planting the seed by confessing that YOU love HIM.
Depending on the guy, sometimes this works, since most guys are immitators at some level. He may be waiting for your lead. (Once i loved someone, and told him, and he immediately wanted to drop me off at home --we were in his car--
then months later, he says "I love you!)(A little belated, but he hadn't forgotten!!!) Try this.
Love,
Manya
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A
female
reader, SoftlyCaress  +, writes (7 January 2009):
 Mine Is The other way around He says he loves me and there are lots of times where he isnt very good at showing it . I think you are right for wanting to be told he loves you if you never hear it then how are you to know . So easy to show so hard to say for some men and vise versa Just be patient but do let him know how you feel if you dont let him know how is he to know and then if you do let him know and he shrubs it off then you might want to rethink your relationship.....................
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A
female
reader, rainydaywithsunshine +, writes (7 January 2009):
rainydaywithsunshine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the advice guys!
pvtguy I understand where you are coming from completely.He is not in my age group though, he's 8 years my senior.I am not one of those fantasy women. I understand what a relationship takes and that it is not all roses and tea leaves.
I just figured that a year was a long time to be holding off and just now starting to figure this stuff out.
but again I am confused. I hope that he feels how I feel because (as sad as this might be) I'm willing to wait for him.
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A
female
reader, IDoWhatIWant  +, writes (7 January 2009):
 HalloOf course you're not different for wanting to hear your boyfriend say I love you. Perhaps he thinks it is embarrassing for him, and he doesn't want to rush things. I mean, even if you have been dating for a year. :) i'm sure he loves you. But if you're not sure,ASK! Ask him if he loves you. Crash or carry. That's the advice i can give. Good luck. :)
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 January 2009):
 Be patient. Being ready progresses at different times for different people. You should wait and when he does say it, you'll know it's true, and not just saying it because that's what you want to hear.
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