A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been single for some years now after the break up of a very serious relationship (eight years). Since that time I have had one short-term relationship that ended when I discovered I was being used. Prior to that I had two other serious relationships - my first girlfriend was killed in an accident at age 20 and my second girlfriend split with me because she wanted kids and I didn't. She knew that from the outset but apparently thought I'd change my mind.I am happy with who I am, my job, my interests and I blessed with loads of really good close friends who I socialise with a lot. But while I am always busy with hobbies or volunteering, and I am rarely on my own, I am so dreadfully lonely to the point where I have seen the doctor about going on anti-depressants solely due to this one issue.I have been on several internet dating sites for a long while and I have had a few chats with women but there is one serious flaw in my character - I don't want children. Never have had. It's just a gene or desire I was born without. But 85% of the women within a 40-mile area of me (and within my preferred age range of 26 - 36) are single mothers. Several women have chatted with me and say I am really nice but the dealbreaker is that there is no point meeting up because they all want kids.I don't believe this is an area for compromise between a couple. It's not fair on the kids for one thing and too many are brought into relationships that then fail. I'm well aware this is going to limit the pool from which to find a partner but it almost looks like the pool is so small, I may as well give up. I found a dating site that was supposedly for meeting people with no kids. There were about 10 members, all of whom were men!I am getting to the point that while I am happy with every other aspect of my life, this one is becoming such a big deal it is taking over. While I haven't seriously considered doing 'anything stupid' I can actually see myself doing it down the road because I cannot face the thought of being on my own for many more years.I know people say there is someone for everyone and that they will turn up, but having been on my own for several years, I'm afraid I am reaching a 'deadline'. I can see myself getting to the point where "hey, someone will turn up, keep going" won't wash it any more. Someone said "go for an older woman who can't have kids" but my previous LTR ended because of the age gap, so it's not a road I want to go down again. Similarly, I don't want someone who has had kids already. I have a goddaughter who I adore and I get on with kids for short periods, but it just isn't in me to be anything more.I have loads of female friends, all of whom say I would be a wonderful catch - except for this. Does not wanting kids really mean I have to spend the rest of my life alone?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): OP here. Natalie, how is it being stubborn to say you have never, ever, in your entire life felt the desire to have children? Just like some people PHYSICALLY can't have children, it's how I am. Are you suggesting that for the sake of not being alone I should just say, what the hell, and have kids with someone? I can just imagine telling the kids when they are older: actually, I didn't want you, it was just to stop me being lonely. Yeah, they're gonna love that.Monique, basically, my former partner had been married and by the time she hit 40 (and I was 30), her sex drive had diminished hugely and gradually this became an issue. Coupled to which, by the time we split up (she was 46), she was content to stay in pretty much all the time whereas at 36 I still wanted to go out. No, I don't mean clubbing, but I still had/have an active life - sailing, badminton, acting - which I wanted her to share but she just wanted the two of us to stay in and do everything together because, compared to me, she'd already been and done all that. So, I am reluctant to risk another relationship with someone older - I'd really like someone a little bit younger than me now who still wants to be active.
A
female
reader, Natalie:) +, writes (22 October 2010):
 It's such a strong instinct in a lot of women that saying you don't want kids is a bit of a let down. It's also that if you say you don't want kids it does seem a bit like you don't want the relationship to progress to that point which I guess is viewed as a step in a relationship.
Don't let this consume you, its all too easy. I have been there before and it ruined every aspect of my life for a short time, I wouldn't enjoy seeing friends and would cry all te time, I never wanted to leave the house or my room for that matter - and all because I felt so unwanted.
There WILL be women out there who don't want kids but being so stubborn is definitely going to make things very hard for you. Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, MoniqueEE +, writes (22 October 2010):
Wow, definitely an problem here.
The long term relationship you had ended because of the age gap BUT is that the only thing putting you off dating older women? I understand it was a very serious relationship however my experiences do not permit me to give you good advice there.
I can only ask you to keep your head up, I know a of a few women who do not want children, but I agree they are far and few. Think of it this way, when you find 'her' she is going to be extra special because of the situation.
Don't you think you should give her a little more time to appear?
You have a great life - don't let it slip away.
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