A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi i have been in a LDR for almost a year and a half, i usually see my boyfriend about two days each fortnight.He had a job up my way this thursday and said that after he had done that we could go out for a few hours afterwards.I spoke with him on the phone today and said i was looking forward to thursday.He said that he wouldnt be comming up he found that out last friday and had just forgot to mention it.Ok fair play we all forget things, so i said what are you doing instead then, he said nothing much, then realising that it never sounded too good added, "well im not doing that job now so theres no point in comming up"...Maybe i was blinded in the past, but thinking back he usually has some job to do while he is here.I asked him if he was not so bothered about us now, and his reply was "of course im bothered, i miss you".AM i being a fool here? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Self-ish  +, writes (21 April 2009):
Sounds to me like he is coming in to town to work and is enjoying having a girlfriend while hes there. How much do you know about the time you spend apart? And does he ever talk about living in the same city? Just from LDR experience, it would worry me that he has a whole other life and gf there and just comes in to town to "work" and have you on the side. Sorry if that was harsh!! Maybe im just bitter
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): Because of the distance it appears there has to be some other motivation - almost an excuse - to be in the area rather than your relationship being the reason. I hate to sound harsh but I think you need to have a very honest discussion because it sounds like your relationship is one that he fits in to his other plans if and when they happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): Can't you go and visit him instead? Why does he have to be down your way?
If he says not to go to his place, I would have serious doubts about him, that he could be in another relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): (i am the original poster) Hello irish49, thankyou for your advice.
I have brought up the future in the past, but all i seem to get from him is that at the moment he needs to sort out his life first, and that maybe in the future we could see about living together. (i have two sons aged 4 and 6 from a previous relationship and he is not ready to live with them)
I have been to his home on several occasions, spent time with his children when he has them, but have never met his family (mother father siblings...) as he hinself does not see them that often, after many family problems.
I have met two of his friends, but they are work colleagues more than friends, as he is a busy person he doesnt really have close friends that he keeps up with.
Its rare that he comes to see me just for that reason only, usually he has a work appointment in the area, but then stays for two days.
The drive to mine is just under two hours.
I told him in the past that i wanted to know his intentions, but he gets defensive whenever i bring these things up, and usually it ends with "if i dont make you happy then maybe you should be with someone who can, but i do love you".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): One and a half years, is quite a long time to conduct a long distance relationship. Has there ever been a final plan in place as to where this relationship is headed. eg: a more solid committment about who's going to move to be with the other?? I guess I view long distance relationships of this length as to having a final end result.
If no plan is in place,is it that , he appears to visit you whenever he has a job to do, in the area where you live. Am I right? Did I read that right? Does he ever come and visit, just for the sake of seeing you with 'no job' to do where you live? I guess for him to state to you, "well im not doing that job now so theres no point in coming up"...Excuse me? I would think seeing you and spending some precious alone time with you, would be a priority here, irregardless if he's doing a job in your area or not! Have you ever been in his 'world' met his family, his friends, seen where he lives? If not, red flags are going off here. Is he married? Is he in another relationship?
To be honest, I think you and he need to have a serious discussion about where this relationship is heading. I am feeling, he's acting like a man who likes the convenience of having a gf waiting in this place, whenever his job deems him to go there. If you find out, he's committed to this, then you start setting some boundaries here. You both need to make hard and serious plans to get to each other and make this LDR work. It's a compromise, he comes to you...you go to him. Work out a travel schedule that is conducive to your lifestyles. And for goodness sakes, after 18 months of this, get some plans in place as to who's moving to be with the other, say within the next 6 months...at the very least!
If he's not responsive to your suggestion, then dump him..he's a dud!
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