A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been separated from my husband for nearly three years. With all the difficulty we managed to maintain a friendship for the sake of our daughter but also as the marriage failed i believed we did care about each other. We both went on saw other people but a couple of months ago he met a new woman and all our worlds changed. The friendship was not only over within a week but he started to become hostile and began making nasty claims about me. This knocked me and my daughter for a six. I had her in tears regularly and found myself completely bewildered as to what happened. I went to see my doctor who referred me to a psychologist to receive some support and guidance. She has identified that it is more than likely he suffers Borderline Personality Disorder for varying behaviours I won't list here, just too long and arduous. I have been reading about it and I think it explains 20 yrs of behaviour I could not articulate which was disabling me...contrary to what it appears on the outside...these people are great are disguising the illness. I am left absolutely gutted that my marriage amounted to this and now live a life of stress trying to diffuse any further breakdowns. Worst thing is now he is trying to buy my daughter and pit her against me. I have lost many so called "friends" as I haven't exposed him to protect my daughter but its so hard for me...it's been taxing on me emotionally, financially and mentally. I wish I had discovered this earlier. Where do I go from here? I feel so isolated and victimised by him and people still think he is lovely and I'm the bitch...I guess he wins again.... :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your advise, you are right about them seeing things black and white...i cant believe i didnt figure it out earlier, its like im dealing with a completely different person. i will endeavour to push ahead and hope for a happier time...i appreciate the time you took to write to me :)
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (27 November 2012):
Hi dear,
I'm sorry you find yourself in such a difficult position. You know, I've heard some stories like this before.
All I know is that borderline personality disordered people tend to think very much in black and white, so right now you are the evil witch to him. They seem to lose trust very quickly and then blame others for their pain and fear.
What I would do is try to figure out a way to talk to each other and maybe find a way to remind him of who you were to him, remind him that you're the mother of his child and that you still see him as a friend, even though his behavior is absolutely unacceptable. I could understand if right now, all you want to do is lock yourself up and hide. Or pay him back. But maybe that won't be possible or wise.
Honestly, I don't know if my advice is any good. But I heard that the book "stop walking on eggshells" really helped people get along with borderliners.
Here's a link to some books that sound useful:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=stop+the+borderline
Since you're already seeing a psychologist, maybe she can help you as well.
And maybe you can talk to your daughter. Tell her that you would like to be friends with her father and that you hope you can work out. Don't say anything bad about him (even if he deserves it), but make it clear that you love her and also try to get along with him.
Maybe you feel powerless right now, but you aren't. You're strong, you did many good things in your live and you have a lot of love. You've been strong enough to live with a borderliner, raise a child and survive a divorce. He can't take that away from you and I'm sure other people will see your strength and love as well. In every separation that ends on bad terms, sides are taken and
friends are lost. You will find new ones and keep those that really matter.
Big hug and keep us updated.
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