A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know if other people get this but I've noticed in life the people who chase us and praise us are the ones we aren't very attracted to, yet the people we are attracted to a lot are quick to lose interest or not interested in us?My ex was good looking (in my eyes) kind, funny etc. he didn't really show much interest in me physically and not very clingy at all. I would of loved him to be more like that with me. Some guy I met recently was physically obsessed with me and a bit stalkerish. I would say more but I believe he might see it. Basically he wasn't what I'd go for. It gets on my nerves. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): Let me read between the lines here
It's you that considers your ex as 'pathetic and not good looking' but wrap it up as someone else's opinions.Because of this you expected him to fall at your feet and be grateful for the chance to go out with you!
He probably got to realise that you felt this way about him which is why he was far from the obsessive that you desired.
It seems you need to learn the difference between clinginess and caring.Otherwise anyone who starts to care for you will just be driven away by your skewed logic
It doesn't sound like you deserved either of them.(and thats sympathy for the two guys, not you)
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (7 January 2014):
One more vote for arrogance gets you the girls.
Just the way it is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): I'm just saying it's normally the ugly/pathetic people that hang around (sorry to be nasty) which confuses me because a lot of people would of referred to my ex as pathetic and not good looking yet he wasn't clingy! It's annoying.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): As others have said, you're applying dual standards.You wanted your ex to be clingy and obsessed with you but he wasn't.Were you like that with him? If so that may have turned him off as much as the second guy turned you off.
Its likely the second guy thought that's how you wanted him to be, after not getting sufficient attention before from your ex.
To answer your original question, sometimes you dont ACTUALLY want what you THINK you want, but it takes the courage to look at yourself in an honest light
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): You are only compatible with a handful of people in a lifetime so it goes without saying that most of the guys you fancy won't fancy you back. Equally most of the guys who fancy you, you won't fancy back.
It's simply a case of probabilities.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): Came out of something like this recently.
We were the perfect match physically but there was a big difference in interest towards each other...I was just an option for her and she meant alot more to me...maybe I showed too much and nuked my chances by being to intense...and still doing the reality check.....you can never change someone into what you want....I have to improve on this..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): OP, you're just one of those people my wife calls a dualist, yes 'dual'.
You love the idea of the guy who chases, falls over backwards to gain your attention but what you actually go for is the guy who is a bit aloof, the guy who is a challenge.
Your good looking ex was mostly attractive to you because he was aloof, if he'd started acting stalkerish you'd quickly lose interest in him. It would have pissed you off that he did that too.
My wife calls it that term because you're always in two minds. You have yourself convinced you really do want attention but you only want it from the guy who doesn't give it, you then want no attention from the guys who do give it.
It's not a matter of the guys who want you being ugly and the guys who don't being hot, it's a matter of you having more desire for the guy who shows very little. And no desire for the guy who shows lots.
You're just more attracted to guys who are aloof, you feed off that.
It's pretty normal really OP, to want the thing you can't have more than the thing that is offered to you on a plate.
Just to make things clear, I'm not saying this is your personality or anything, I don't know. But in this circumstance it seems you're more attracted to what you can't have than what is available to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): It's strange though (this is the OP) he wasn't good with women and from the look of him he seemed like the type that would fall at a woman's feet but he didn't. It's always the unattractive losers that do :(
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (6 January 2014):
It's simple...Those who want you and you are not interested in, have what you need. Those you are interested in , and have the physical looks you want, treat you the way you treat those you are not interested in. The old do on to others as you would like them to do to you. The way you treat others.
Never look for love on the outside of a man. The heart has all of our true intentions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): I am currently in that situation. The guy I want so badly use to be so into me in the beginning. We only had one date and now he has pulled back and hardly text me. He says he is still attracted to me but we have only spoken on the phone once and he acts very elusive. The new guy I talk to is very into me like you said in your post, chasing me and praising me. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I try to tell him I don't like to rush things and it is always the one you want that is slipping away. I'm doing everything I can to keep him interested in me. I know exactly what you are talking about.Sometimes the one we wish for may not be what we want them to be, but you don't want someone who is stalking you or who is obsessed. You can't help who you like.
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